Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my soldiers are ok inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards! Just like yesterday, I have an important issue to make you aware of, this my bearded brothers is the issue of The Bearded Commandments.
The Bearded Commandments is only available in blog form (from this blog). There are several bearded commandments, but don’t think I am over bearing you o bearded one. It’s simple, if you follow these bearded commandments, I promise you, inshaaAllah you will win in life.
Bearded brothers, I am a testament to the bearded commandments and again I thank The Commander and Chief for being such a good teacher to me. Yes, he did give me a lot of tough love which included a few demotions in the bearded ranks.
I can’t lie, it did hurt immensely, but it has made me the beard I am today (Gorgeous to men and women alike,Allah Huma Barik) and being a beacon if light through my beard. So below I will give you a list of The Bearded Commandments, which even myself as The Captain adheres to each and every day.
To not over burden you bearded brothers, I will give you a few commandments each day.
Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard; No But’s!
You might be surprised this is an actual commandment, but as discussed in yesterday’s post I have to mention this, it’s simple I can’t afford any more disloyal soldiers in the ranks.
If you shave your beard, you will lose your powers of seduction of the boys and girls, as well as your magic powers of making people laugh. If you become clean shaven, then you will just turn into a “normal guy”.
Bearded broother you are not just normal, you are unique and magnificent (MashaaAllah).
It goes without saying, you will have to buy your clothes from Baby Gap or Mothercare because you resemble the look of a baby and you will not be allowed into the men’s toilets either.
Bearded brother, it’s so much better to be different …. don’t be like sheep, rather be like the lone wolf, but you are the leader of the pack because the “wolfs” will follow you because of your beard, don’t forget this!
Thou Shall Give The Bigger Beard The Right Of Way ….. Always!
This law is quite simple really, if you are walking down a narrow road or in your car etc, you will give way to your big bearded brother. The reason is simple, shorter bearded one you haven’t attained the level of patience of your longer bearded brother.
In The Bearded Commandments we don’t believe no race is superior to another, but having a longer beard has certain perks you won’t get with having a shorter beard. Failure to adhere to this rule would lead to not being able to sit near me at the of the round table and furthermore you would have to sit as far as away from me as possible.
We are united by the beard brothers. I mentioned this before, you are a boss because of your beard. Remember this phrase and inscribe this into your hearts bearded brothers, “the beard made you who you are and you are nothing without your beard”
Thou Shall Carry A Comb In His Pocket Like He Does His Mobile Phone
Again this is another obvious rule, in the list of The Bearded Commandments. You must never forget your comb, ever! As mentioned in a previous blog, your beard messy is like a rough diamond, a diamond isn’t beautiful rough so why allow your man fur to be like such?
A well-groomed beard is what gives you your man powers and this is what makes you win at life and be nearly as funny as I am. When you leave your phone at home, that sinking feeling follows …. leaving your comb at home is much worse than that.
“It’s only 20p and you can get some from the £1 shop”,is a comment which I will not be tolerated, no sir! Bearded brother the last time some one said that, guess what happened? That person wasn’t mentioned for 30 days. They were not to be sat with or their food to be shared with for 30 days either.
Cherish your comb, it’s an unsung hero in your life due to the beard being well combed, you will have to wear special beardy glasses to protect yourself from your eyes being damaged, if you look at a fellow beard directly.
Bearded soldiers, worry not if you follow these rules to start with, the other rules will come naturally. If you become a better beard, you will have become a better man
inshaaAllah. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.