Month: December 2016

The Bearded Captain’s Guide Of What To Wear

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that inshaaAllah you’re all well. Since I love you so much, and I know the feeling is mutual ;). Boys and girls I have another instalment or insight from my wonderful mind and I give you today’s instalment from The Bearded Captain …… The Bearded Attire, or The Beardtire!

My bearded brothers, my bearded soldiers your training is getting more intense, now it’s the business end of your training. Thanks to my excellent leadership (if I may say so myself), your learning and development to be a good beard is improving.

Let’s recap what we have gone through so far, ok so I have taught you several things, I have taught you how to be a better beard for sure, but to be more specific I have taught you The Bearded Commandments. The Bearded Commandments, must be obeyed if they are not, how can you call yourself a true beard?

Other things we have discussed were how to get in the game, well that’s simple grow a beard that’s the best way to start, but make sure you’re funny and have that swag factor, gentlemen factor like me *adjusts his trilby, like a boss *. Make sure you keep yourself in good bearded company, the last thing you want is for your masculinity to go and your self-respect by going clean shaven. O dear *shudders at the thought*.

Thankfully though, you guys know the consequences of going clean shaven. (Being forced to buy your clothes from Mothercare, Baby Gap and Zara). No no! This is what you will get if you want to make your face look like a women’s or that of a girl!

After that lengthy recap I want to go on to today’s issue, how you should dress as a bearded soldier. Just like with the other steps bearded one, I don’t command or shall I say the beard doesn’t command you to be extra flamboyant.

I know what you’re thinking, what if I hit the town and I see this hot chick? Bearded Dude! One if this happens, you be calm and don’t act like a muppet! And two you let your beard do the talking. Remember if you perfume your beard (man fur) and keep it well gromed, chicks love that. Why won’t they?

Guys, what not to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Trackies is a no no. Guys this can pass off as a guy who “can’t be bothered”. If you want to pick up a chick that way, go on Jeremy Kyle I am sure he has loads of women who like that thing. Anyway back to my point of what not to wear. Hoodies, have to be approved by myself or The Commander and Chief.

Ties aren’t allowed either, only a select few. The reason why I say about the tie is that certain ties could threaten to upstage your man fur, *gasps for breath*. Your beard is the shining light of any dark room and shines brighter than any ladies beautiful smile. That says a lot about what the beard brings to the table.

Combats should be worn either, they just look unbeardy like. People with poorly maintained beards wear combats, we’re not poorly maintained beards!

Guys, what  to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Shirts are acceptable, but nothing too flowery ….. guys we are men! We don’t want to act like Dale Winton!  ……. a clean shaven jesse. Wide collar shirts are fine, but guys please no stupid colours.

In terms of footwear trainers are acceptable, but please your common sense. No Aasics trainers, I don’t really need to explain why. Suit shoes, boat shoes are fine but be wary of Timberland boots.  Me as your Captain, I wear a traditional garment called a Thobe, Chick Magnet or The Bearded Emperor’s Robe. (Sorry forgot to say that I am the aire to The  Bearded Emperor’s throne, which is currently occupied by the Retired Bearded Commander and soon to be retired Bearded Emperor Daddy Malik).

Fancy head wear is a must, it help you look like the bees knees. What the head wear should be is something that makes you look like a king with in yourself. For example a trilby or a snapback will do the trick.

So guys, I know this was an information packed blog, but I am a loving and caring captain. Rememeber guys ” A beard is 1% growth 99% atttidue and 110%, with the ability to make people laugh”.

There’s no point of having a face worth a million dollars due to your man fur, but then not have the dress sense to match. Where’s the sense in that? Guys yes I know you will be a babe magnet because of your man fur and your confidence has grown because of your man fur, but please your beard can walk out on your face.

Just like all the things we have gone through with the life of being a beard, I am showing I care. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

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The Bearded Captain; The Bearded Commandements

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from the bearded captain. I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah. Even as your captain, I must apologise and say that sorry for not being “around”.

You see the thing is, I was just testing you all to see how you would react when there’s no one around. Would the mice come out to play, when the top cat is away? You have answered this with an emphatic yes!

Hence why I am needing to do this bearded address, or beardress? (Thanks I am here all night) . Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman I need to add some more commandments to The Bearded Commandments. As discussed before this isn’t designed to burden you o bearded one, no! Rather the opposite, it’s meant to make your bearded life easy.

The Bearded Commandments will be 10, but as I said before they’re designed to not over burden you, my son. O contrary sir, O contrary. My young bearded soldier, remember The Bearded Pledge, you need to remember this because if you become a better beard, you become a better man, yes sir!

What is The Bearded Pledge? I hear you ask, young bearded one it is this, “A  beard is 1% growth 99% attitude and the ability to make people laugh and smile”, you won’t be as funny as me or as much of a charmer of the boys and girls like myself 😉  …. it’s best I tell you now so you don’t heart broken later on life. You should stroke your beard with a comb when you say the pledge in a ponderous wizardry manner even.

Ok, so boys and girls here are The  Bearded Commandments in full;

1. Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard (obvious I know but, yeah)
2.Thou shall give the bigger beard way (unless I come into the equation 😉  hehe.

3.Thou shall not forget his comb-like he would never forget his mobile phone.

4. *Thou shall perfume his beard and ensure it’s well groomed making sure it’s combed, neat and not wavy*.

*A wavy beard shows a man who lacks direction in life. If his beard goes in so many directions, how do you expect this guy to have direction in life? Ladies, you’re welcome, the other point about perfuming your beard ….. well that’s simple really, the beard is the most important part of the body.

5. Thou shall give another bearded brother a running bro hug if he compliments his beard in public. (Please note if a clean shave compliments your beard just only gives him a high-five in extreme circumstances, but a “cheers thanks mate”, should suffice.

6. Thou shall treat his woman with respect the same way he treats his beard with respect. (guys remember, you need your beard, not the other way round, PS ladies, if you see a man who has a beard know he is patient one and if you see his beard well cared for, know that he will care for you with all his heart too ….. you’re welcome).

7. Don’t directly look at another beard for more than five seconds without your Beardy ray glasses. (This is for health and safety. The man fur when well looked after, mashaaAllah it’s beautiful and is like a shining light).

8.  Thou shall straighten his beard once every three months, why so long? No, it’s not long if you look after it of course.

9. Thou shall not allow his beardy celebrity status get to get to his head, (be humble and don’t forget your beginnings, we were all clean shaven once. I know it’s tough to imagine, sorry to bring this up, but rules are rules ).

10. A beard, it’s not for girls. (Sorry I am not sexist, but I have had a few females on my social media in the past applying to be a bearded soldiers. Sorry ladies, it’s “bearded brothers” not sisters. )

If we follow these rules to start, one will live an easy life. Know that being a beard isn’t about growing facial hair. Some disobedient beards have shaved their beards off ! *Gasps for air* sorry guys, but it’s true. His punishment will be a good old donkey scrub in front of the beards he betrayed, this is the punishment if you don’t follow the first commandment.

Us beards, not only are we good beards, but we are good people too, don’t forget this. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.