Month: January 2017

The Bearded Captain,A Real Life Example Of The Consequences Of Shaving

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers below is a real-life example of what happens when a commandment is broken.

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well and in the process of growing beards. I want to address one of The Bearded Commandments with a real life example.

The Bearded Commandment in question is the commandment that is “Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard”. A stating the obvious commandment you may think, but my soldiers you will be surprised the necessity of raising the issue.

Step forward my colleague at work Mr. Andrew Cutts. Cutts, the ladies man or Sensai Cutts as he is known to us folk at work is quite the inspirational figure in our office. Despite being clean shaven, my soldiers he has been a crucial person in the life of The Bearded Captain.

He is quite a remarkable case, I say this because despite being a clean shaven Jessie, he still does have the humor and charms to woo the boys and girls. If I was to be favorable to the self-appointed “top dog”, then I would say this he does have a week long stubble.

But unforgivably he has shaved his stubble off and gone back to looking like a child. As upsetting as that has been to see as your Bearded Captain and his Bearded Captain, this next thing was the most upsetting.

The issue in specific question is this, Andrew much to my delight came into work with a lovely well maintained and well-groomed beard. When he walked into the room, he walked into work with the swag one comes to expect when you have a beard.

Compliments were many and the looks of awe were many. “Cutts, that well suits you lad” and other comments from your truly such as “Cutts you beautiful man”! Compliments like those would naturally massage the ego of any man and Mr. Cutts is naturally no different.

That actually brings me on to my next point. With all those compliments and the massaging of ego, it naturally would beg the question why would one shave such magnificence on their face off their face?

Well, that’s what Cutts did the very next day. I mean how many more compliments do you want? His actions left me completely dumbfounded, (that’s, to put it mildly). I wasn’t the only one to be left in a state of disbelief by the top dog’s actions.

My colleagues were equally as shocked as I was. The previous day, all Mr Cutts received was glowing praise and admiration from all, but the day after he committed the despicable act (shaving his beard) it appeared obvious that nature was out to teach Andrew a lesson.

Andy himself was looking for the admiration from those very same people that he was getting from the people the day before, but I am sorry Andrew Cutts, I know you are a unique case of being someone who has powers of humour despite being clean shaven, but it went to show that even you need a beard to be relevant.

You were surprised when you received the admiration of the people one day, but not the next, but don’t be surprised by such a reaction. The Beard makes you, and you don’t make it ….. Do not forget that my soldiers!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

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The Bearded Captain; “Alhamdulillah my powers of humor​ are returning”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, good news Alhamdullilah my powers are starting to return 😉

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain, I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are maintaining their beards. Guys, for the past few weeks the one who gave me the beard (the party piece of my face), the all-mighty decided to give me man flu.

No, I am not complaining I am just stating the facts. With like anytime you feel ill or unwell, one naturally feels weaker and groggy. Naively I thought as The Bearded Captain I thought I would be ok, but maybe I was arrogant and forgot that no matter how awesome my man fur is (my beard) don’t forget to thank the one who gave you the man fur in the first place.

That is the all-mighty I am referring to, of course, the one who enabled to have such beautiful man fur, MashaaAllah. In this period of me having man flu, my powers felt like they were getting zapped from me.

Usually, when I go to work, I walk into the office in style, admiring glances many and the looks of awe were many too, but since my man flu, it felt like the world was going on in a “normal way” when I entered the room.

As The Bearded Captain, this is something which is unheard of for me, but this whole man flu experience if you want to call it that has been very humbling. I learned despite being The Bearded Captain, I shouldn’t take my beard for granted.

I naively thought that with my beard comes awesomeness …. this is true, but there’s more to this than that. These two weeks that I have had man flu have shown that with “power” comes tests and challenges.

Let me give you an example, Clarke Kent (Superman, which is debatable in itself as this guy didn’t have a beard), went through phases where he loses his powers. Superman turned into a mere mortal for a period, but as time went by he was able to regain his powers.

Of course, Superman lost his powers whenever he saw Kryptonite or came into contact with the stuff. The thing is with me (The Bearded Captain) I don’t know what my “Kryptonite” is.

So how can I cure myself of man flu, if I don’t know what is causing the problem? It’s a question that has rumbled on for a while and will rumble on for a while longer no doubt. After consulting with some loyal soldiers around me, they advised that I increase my intake of Vitamin C, me being the down to earth Captain that I am, I decided to listen to them and now take Vitamin C tablets every day.

I have mentioned this before, but I will say this again, I wouldn’t wish man flu on my worst enemy. These two weeks have been tough, but they have taught me, don’t take anything for granted and that always thank the one who gave you the ability to don such magnificent facial hair.

Remember, if it wasn’t for he who gave you the lovely man fur, you wouldn’t be as awesome as you have been. My soldiers, remember you wouldn’t have been able to charm the boys and girls with your witty nature, as well as an awesome sense of humor.

On this note, it’s time for me to say, boys and girls, my Bearded Soldiers it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain With Some Words; Beware Of Man Flu

 

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my Bearded Soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards. I want to start this address by saying I apologise that my own standards in The Bearded Field have slipped.

For the past two months, after extensive training from my Bearded Mentor  (The Commander and Chief) Ahmed Talib Rashid, I was deemed ready to be The Bearded Captain by him and also got the “approving nod” by Mr David Hollier (a non-active Bearded Commander).

Now the role of The Bearded Captain is something you’re born with and The Bearded Greatness (to have the attitude and swag) was taught to me, selflessly by Ahmed Rashid. The tough love and the harshness all makes sense now, that explains why I took retrospective action against the two disobedient beards.

The first beard was Mr David Hunter. Mr Hunter committed the cardinal sin of doing a “Russel Crowe”. A Russel Crowe is someone who thinks they are too big for their beard and then shaves it off! Let me explain further, I am sure you lovely people are aware of that blockbuster movie that was Gladiator.

I mean, after all, it was only one of the greatest films of all time! In this film, you had the character Maximus/ Spaniard who was played by Russel Crowe of course. Now many would recognise in this film that Crowe gave an award winning performance, but what many won’t recognise is that his beard was the true award winner.

Just look at it (MashaaAllah Allah huma barik), but then it went downhill, with the beard comes fame and our Russel, couldn’t handle the fame and thus shaved off his beard.

Since that day forward whoever follows this treacherous person (Crowe) then he will be seen like him, thus creating the Russel Crowe law. Never did I expect to witness anyone to do the same despicable act that Crowe did all those years ago.

How could someone do such a thing? I know, even I ask such a question but such a thing happened and to make it even worse, something of a similar nature ( a bearded man shaving off his beard) happened in the modern day …. step forward Mr David Hunter.

Of course, he was duly punished by being sentenced to a donkey scrub in the middle for everyone to see for a painstaking 30 minutes, but the pain still hurts that someone thinks they can do such a thing.

So that’s one bad experience of my leadership, another was the experience of the other disobedient beard, Adam Malik. This beard was seen as a very close friend of mine, this beard would be someone who was granted permission to call me every day, but he lost his rights of doing this.

The reason Mr Malik lost his rights to do this were because just like David he got too big for his boots. Adam openly revolted against me by questioning a direct order. Coffee is a bearded beverage and tea in comparison is for clean shaven Jessie’s.

I gave him the chance to repent, but this beard was unrepentant …. and to make his case worse he thinks only one trilby/snapback is enough. I quote “isn’t one enough”, for foolish comments like that I would have ordered him to wax his legs and arms, but I went soft as I see him as a beard  who can change.

He needed a punishment regardless of my love for him and his punishment was that he was stripped of being a Bearded Sargent and is merely a Bearded Foot soldier, it pained me to have to make such a decision on someone I love so dearly.

Mr Marcus Nicholson is now the sole Bearded Sargent if anyone wants to apply for the role of Bearded Sargent,please feel free to email me at the following address beard@thebeardedcaptain.com

Now there was a reason why I share those two examples of beards who have been disobedient, the reason is this …. yours truly is going through a difficult time in his bearded leadership.

The admiring glances …….. have reduced, the admirers, on the whole, have reduced …… An example of this was when a clean-shaven Jessie Andy Cutts was given the reception I have been used to getting with my beard.

I know the reason why my powers are dwindling …… it’s man flu! * cries uncontrollably* I was magnificent two weeks ago, it was just two god damn weeks! Even managers are saying your beard looks messy ….. damn you man flu!

My jokes have gone because of my sore and aching throat, this has ruined my delivery of telling jokes. I must also add I have not been able to work on new material, due to the epidemic and when people ask me for new jokes, I say “I can’t think of any”! *sobs uncontrollably*

Please guys please, I ask you to donate just a smile by leaving a comment in the comment section today. Your smile could save a once funny man and make him funny again … thank you.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; Clean Shaven Men Can’t Have Man Flu

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of yourselves, man flu season is upon us.

 

Hello and greetings from your bearded captain. I pray all my soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are looking after their beards, the way they should be looked after. My bearded soldiers, my bearded children whenever I do these (blogs), as you know there’s a reason as to why I do them.

So as for today, the reason why  I want to write this blog, is to address the issue of man flu. As you know boys and girls, man flu is the “deadly bug” which is caused by regular flu. Now when I say regular flu, what I mean is the flu what ladies get or …… the thing that resembles ladies  …… clean shaven men, if you can even call them that.

Now let’s get this clear. Clean shaven “men” is an imperfect sentence. Why do I say this? Hmm let me think, since when are real men clean shaven? The clean shaven look similar to women, we’re not women brothers, we are men so embrace the inner man!

Anyway, slightly digressed there …. sorry about that. Today’s issue is about man flu. Yes, we men are subjected to a lot of torrent abuse the “O it’s just a sniffle” and the “O it will get better in a few days”.

Ladies, we need you to be more understanding. Yes, I know I have said that a beard is a man’s face scarf, but man flu is our body’s way of saying it thinks we’re magnificent. Well, I can’t disagree there. Yes, I maybe The Bearded Captain and an excellent Captain at that, but my soldiers please listen very carefully.

Don’t let the women folk tell you any different, man flu is a real thing and there was a proposal that man flu is treated under the NHS. I mean as good as that proposal was, that doesn’t go far enough!

I am not calling beardophobia *calls beardophobia* but I think there’s a lack of bearded equality. Those clean shaven imposters of men, have half of the symptoms of man flu, due to them being mistaken for looking like men, but don’t be fooled real men have beards!

Man flu is one of the most contagious forms of flu known to a man. There’s bird flu, swine flu and for the clean shaven Jessie’s there’s whine flu, but man flu really does top the lot.

Why is it so contagious? Well, only real men will know why … I know a beard has a lot of powers, but not even a beard can fight the man flu. When man flu is ready to leave your body after 6 months experts say (me) then you can carry on being awesome like normal.

I personally think we should be allowed to go to the bearded paradise (Dubai) and relax until your man flu decides to love you and leave you.

Such have been the powers of my man flu, a manager at work told me that my beard was messy …. and she was right, as I have been under the weather it has been suffering from some neglect, so even The Bearded Captain can have an off day …… on the rare occasions.

I will leave you with this, man flu is dangerous its symptoms gives you headaches, a “cough, and runny nose”. Mock us all you want, but I wouldn’t even wish man flu on my own worst enemy (clean shaven Jessie).

My bearded soldiers, look after yourselves this man flu can defeat out bodies, but it won’t defeat our bearded freedom! It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain, With Some Real Talk

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Don’t undermine me 😉

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my soldiers are all well inshaaAllah. I know you missed me my bearded children, but worry not I hadn’t gone far!

Literally my bearded children your bearded commander and chief and I had some “things” to deal with. Don’t worry though my bearded kids, we dealt with it swiftly (like two bosses as well may I add).

Ok so without further waffle, I need to just raise an issue or two in this blog my bearded chums. A once obedient beard has decided to take a walk down the dark side, Mr Adam Malik.

A bearded etiquette usually permits me from naming a shameful beard, but after consultation with the commander and chief himself ( Mr Ahmed Rashid) we felt we just had no other option, but to name and shame him.

What’s his crime I hear you ask? Well, my bearded children, the crime *fights back the tears* is this …… Adam Malik thinks a Tea is a bearded beverage and a coffee is meh *bursts into tears*. Guys that’s like calling one of my family members and shaving one of their beards.

Sorry let me gather myself after that emotional roller coaster, guys please note that if you want to be seen as a credible beard to others then you must bear in mind that a coffee is a bearded beverage.

To further make Adam’s case worse, instead of apologizing he has only gone on made things worse by being proud of his actions! *grabs yet another tissue from a box of tissues that is fastly emptying itself*

The insulting behavior doesn’t even stop there …… “What’s wrong with one trilby” *starts crying again, just as loud*. What’s? …… What’s wrong with another trilby he says.

Adam Malik and any other beard who holds the same opinion, you can never have enough trilbys. A story within a story based on true events.

Me; “Hiya mate, you’re alright pal”. After seeing a weird look my way.

Guy; “Yeah am alright pal. Listen where did you get that trilby from it looks awesome”.

Me; No flattered said, ” Aww cheers mate, Tesco in Altrincham”. And the conversation was left as that and his jaw needed to be amended rumor has it, after being left in awe due to my man fur and trilby, Allah huma barik.

Guys, a bit of a sour blog post today and that’s Adam’s fault. Remember, yes I love you all, but I will not have to do such blogs if certain beards would know their role in the bearded kingdom. It’s over and out from your bearded captain.