The horror of putting on weight, once you lost it

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards, on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Bearded Stud’s, we need to talk about an important issue in the life of Beards, and that is the issue of gaining weight, once you lost it.

My Beloved’s nothing comes much better than losing weight, you have been so hard trying to lose, (although, having a lovely Beard, someone loving my blogs/videos and sharing my love of Chicken Burgers is awesome too).

Back to the issue at hand. Sorry I do digress .. Brothers, that feeling, of when you get rid of what was plus size clothes, the feeling of being able to walk one mile, or half a mile without seriously pouting for breath, it’s special.

So Bearded Heroes, when you have that joy, be careful not to take things for granted, because if you do put that weight back on you lost, then I must advise you this is one of the most difficult things to over come in life.

Yes, the accidental shaving of Beard, or over trimming of Beard is traumatic, thankfully that has bow become a distant memory, but it still brings back nightmares if I think about it. Just like in the life of Beard you have discipline, for looking after your Beard combing it, giving it the vitamins it needs when you apply Beard Balm, you need to that very same thing to your Beard too!

Brothers, your Captain is here for you, you know that. Your Captain, has lost weight, put it back on and lost it again and boy is it hard! But my Beloved’s Mother Malik has told me, she will give me a Stone Cold Stunner, if I slip again … Gulp!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

How to eat a takeaway, a guide by The Captain

Hello and good evening, it’s me The Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Bearded Stallions, I want to talk about an important issue in the life of Beards, an issue I really should have mentioned sooner. My Shining Bearded Knights, it’s the issue of how to eat a takeaway.

You will be forgiven for thinking, that I might think you’re five years old. Brothers, no this isn’t the case … your big boys now! You have facial hair, which got you into long term relationships or even marriage. Your responsible men, who teach their children how to eat, but are masters of the art themselves.

I have a theory on this, please hear me out. My Soldiers, when you go out for a takeaway, whether that be a burger, naan kebab or pizza etc, do you put sauce on it? If you do, brothers, this is a potential problem.

This argument of whether or whether not to put sauce on your takeaway , rages on in my household, and will provoke thoughts in your mind too, but Dear Brothers, think of your Beard! Your Beard is at the forefront of your life, of course thanking the one who gave you this gift is higher than that, but you already know this.

Not sure if we have mentioned this in the past, but coke is a nightmare for a Beard and so is Milk. With that in mind, so is sauce, which ever kind. So Bearded Warrior, I would advise, if you’re going to have a burger, or a naan kebab for example, if it’s nicely made, that will be filled with flavour!

But on the flipside, a burger without mayo, or even spicy curry sauce, is that even a burger, one may ask? It’s not the same! So, I think you can take away from this, with naan kebabs don’t put sauce on, but with a chicken burger (spicy burger with mayo sauce), although not ideal is the best way to have a burger.

This is bordering on Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Beard territory, I know but you need to be careful brothers you’re welcome. Just in case anyone even dares to suggest, no pizza isn’t to be eaten with knife fork, nor is a burger to be cut in half and eaten half and half!

Lastly, brothers although this isn’t takeaway food, be careful of biscuits Pringles and the way you eat them, it leaves crumbs in your Beard, but you can say that about all crisps and biscuits I guess. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The way out of grogginess

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital, and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers, we need to talk, it’ about the issue of grogginess, which is an issue. My Beloved’s, in Beard life you might think, that I expect you to work at 100% at 110% of the time.

For that, I want to apologise. My Bearded Stallions, in my self appointed role, a role I have made my own for over five years, mistakes regrettably will happen (yes I am human and yes the Beard is magnificent, but thanks to the one who gave me the Beard).

There are days, where you won’t feel ‘in the mood’, firing on all cylinders, I get that, it happens to even me. Brothers, if you’re like me, then you have a daily schedule, you try your best to stick to it. Gym in the morning, shower, give your Beard some TLB, then breakfast.

Good food gives you good energy, and good energy gives you a good day. Make sure you comb your Beard, give it its vitamins, like you would your bones and joints for example. You need good joints for taking you to old age, same goes with your Beard too. Good vitamins in your Beard, gives your face an unbelievable lift, more than you can imagine.

I know I need to heed my own advice, but drink plenty of water, (I am up to 4 litres), check the guidance but try to maintain that, that’s for those of you who are 5ft 10 and in the region of 250lbs.

Bearded Stallions, try your best to have more veg and clean meats. Chicken burgers are good but in moderation (that’s coming from me, I know!). Last but not least, Brothers days of grogginess happen, don’t go hard on your self when they do! Try your best to do what you can, and start again the next day. New dawn, new day.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The awkward period

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Soldiers! It’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Bearded Aficionado’s I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards. Brothers, we need to talk, we need to talk about Christmas, and the aftermath of it. Brothers, I want to talk about the period we are in, the ‘no mans land’.

It’s not Christmas, as that was four days ago, and it’s not new years as that’s in three days. I know brothers, this can come off as a dull and boring time …. I sympathise. Your favourite bakery is shut (my favourite) until 4th January (yes it’s unforgiveable).

This period brothers, for those of you who celebrate, you will spend time with the family no doubt and have lots of food. Again I will put my services out there .. If you need terrible jokes telling like the ones you get in Christmas crackers, I am your man!

Famously my manager, after a few of the jokes I told her, said she would prefer cracker jokes to mine, I know her loss. Like I always say, if you don’t laugh at them, it’s your problem not mine. During this period, the TV is the same, and maybe predictable.

Home alone has made it’s annual appearance no doubt, O Police Academy and Die Hard must be surely on during this period too. Depending on your job, your office won’t be open during this time and in Covid times, a lot of time is on one’s hands.

I am not saying your holding a watch there, for the smarty pants amongst you. Brothers, stick in there, good ways to keep yourself preoccupied during this is do exercise, learn a new skill or three! But most importantly of all, read my blog and watch my videos, thank you brothers.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

A Beard shouldn’t be unemployed

Hello and good evening here in this video I talk about the virtues of hard work!

Hello and good evening my Bearded Heroes, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My soldiers, I need to talk about an important issue in the life of a Beard, the issue of employment. Bearded Stallions, us Beards we’re all for hard work, we work our asses off, to make sure our face trophies, well look look like a trophy.

You will be surprised brothers, despite doing all this, these Beards are too lazy to work! An honest days work or laze around, they would take the latter rather than the former. These very Beards say that their God’s gift, well his Excellency did gift them with one of the best blessings, but even though his Majesty did gift them with Beards, don’t forget hard work wows the women too.

As the clean shaven Robert Mugabe once said, the lady wants six cars and not a six pack, so keep working hard my brother. Never a truer word spoken. Beards don’t sponge off the state, Beards work for an honest days living.

There are some Beards who are ill like bed ridden ill, that’s of course an exemption. Brothers you have Beards, you could be Father Christmas for the Christmas season, ho ho … no!

This is for the small minority and now they know too, this isn’t on at all! It’s over and out from The Captain.

Top tip, don’t cheat on your Barber

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards and digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Bearded Heroes, I want to talk about something in the world of The Bearded Captain. My Shining Bearded Knights, I want to talk about your Bearded Barber.

My Bearded Soldiers, the confidence you get from your Beard and the Je ne sais quoi feeling you get, this is down in part to your Barber. Master Craftsmen and perfectionist, your Barber is an unsung hero.

When your Beard Barber gets to work and weaves their magic on your man fur, it’s their personality and artistry their expressing on your man fur. So Brothers as sincere advice, once you find a Barber, please stick to him.

My Bearded Stallions, your Beard is your Sacred Temple and shouldn’t be touched by anyone, be modest about your Bearded Chastity. From experience, I am ashamed to say it, I can tell you, getting your Beard done from another Bearded Barber, it’s a Bearded Affair.

Eleven times out of ten, it’s not worth it. They don’t wax your cheeks properly, they don’t quite do the shape up, the way your regular dude does it. For convenience, or for price that makes you try someone knew, and what happened? You’re wiping the tears from your face and Beard aren’t you!?

Brothers, it’s not a good look. You stick by your Beard through thick and thin, the person who helped your Beard and in turn your face look that good, deserves the same kind of loyalty. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The shaving loophole

Hello and good evening, here I Ayyaz Malik aka The Bearded Captain talk about shaving loopholes

Hello and good evening my Handsome Bearded Devils, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers I want to talk about an important issue in the life of Beards, this is the shaving loophole. My Bearded Stallions, this has caused debate amongst other Beards, but moustache … whip it off give it a shave.

Nothing worse, in my opinion then a moustache that goes over your lip. Please don’t do a Yosemite Sam, (someone who had their tash over their lip). When your drinking, your mush is drinking with you and when you’re eating, heaven forbid, but there are times you end up eating your Moustache.

Brothers, I have done this with my Beard and it’s disgusting. The other parts of man that needs shaving is, your err herm *cue the Manscaped plug*. I am not gonna say any catchy slogans like trim the grass to make the yard look bigger. Trim the yard, because it’s disgusting not too, a Beard promotes cleanliness, so yes that means underarm too.

When you put deodorant, aftershave or perfume on, if you apply it under arm you will feel the stinging sensation. I say that’s a good thing, it’s the fresh skin feeling. The last example of where you can apply the shaving loophole …. is of course the head!

There will never be a reason to shave your face, just no! I must admit, shaving the head and feeling the fresh cut head and when it hits the cold pillow at night, that’s one of the best feelings in the world.

On that note, thank you for reading, I have been and will always be The Bearded Captain, good night!

There’s no place like home

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I want to talk about an issue important in the life of The Bearded Captain, and this is the topic of no place like home. Most dearest brothers of mine, with the news that Boris the clean shaven errrm errrm Johnson is announcing the news that working from home is to be reintroduced, I want to remind you of some of the benefits.

For my UK readers (North West England to be precise), you will all too aware that currently the weather is not great at all. Rain, a slight drizzle followed by more rain, the rain where it feels like it can swell up an empty reservoir, the question is would you really want to go out in it?

At time of writing, I have just come back from picking up my nephew, who is my heart and soul. But even in this weather, I was dreading picking him up. That was a one of journey, but work is every day. Look at it this way, you get to control the room temperature and don’t have to rely on an air con that never worked, yes Yodel Salford call centre, that’s a reference to you.

As mentioned in previous blog posts, every cloud has silver lining and all that, well there’s lots of clouds with grey linings if you know what I mean, but I am referencing one of the most famous saying to say look on the bright side of life.

You can control what’s in the ‘canteen’ (the kitchen) and you don’t have to worry about the food being over price or processed and under cooked. There’s no place like home, it’s where your bills are sent and it’s where your life is built.

As I type this, rain is beating very hard and the winds are trying to go faster than a Shoaib Akhtar fast ball. It’s ok for me, I am here typing this, it’s the people outside I feel sorry for.

So you have Beard dandruff? Let’s talk!

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Stallions, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers, we need to talk about an issue that I find important in Beard Life, it’s the issue of Beard dandruff. Yes, it’s a thing and once upon a time, I know about this all too well.

I am sure this is the bit where the clean shaven will say, well if you didn’t grow a Beard you won’t have to worry about these things. Well, if you guys actually embraced your inner man and stop being feminine, you won’t have to wear a snood in the winter and get anxious when the slightest bit of cold touches your face when the temperature drops lower then 10 degrees.

The cure isn’t simply use Vidal Sassoon or Head and Shoulders Anti-Dandruff shampoo, but use Beard Shampoo, that does help, also make sure you keep your Beard nourished. Remember Beardosynthesis?

Again, for the people in the back. Beard, water and exposure to light helps Beard grow and stay healthy! Wish they taught this at school, but it feels like even in schools, there’s this subliminal prejudice/agenda made against Beards.

My brothers, I hope this advice was of benefit to you, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

How old is better?

Hello and good morning my Bearded Heroes, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Shining Bearded Knights, we need to talk about an issue I think needs bringing up. The common narrative these days, is that tech is vital in functioning in day to day life.

Once upon a time, we would go to see people in their houses, now we have phones and video phones to do that with. Now, I know we were in lockdown and I do encourage you to adhere to lockdown, but even before that we would do this.

That’s a shame that technology has changed that, but there are many benefits to tech and the positive affect it’s had in the world. In this blog post brothers, I want to talk about other aspects of the past that were better than that of today.

As you beautiful souls will be all too aware, my issue of old being better is foot related. Yes, I am talking about Freddo for 10p and when Quality Street was a decent size! Tangy Toms, can’t be found in shops near where I live (the cheek) and Galaxy Senses have gone too!

Tissues at the ready, this is painful. Walkers BBQ Rib has also gone into the sunset and into the food/confectionary abyss. Being a Manchester man, a man from the South of the city, I was gutted to learn that Paan House is now closed and has been replaced by Deens Fried Chicken.

Deens has come and stepped in admirably (more in a future blog), but for nostalgia that part of Manchester will never be the same. In fact that part has changed as there is now a Chaiwala on that block.

I am sure there are other chocolates, drink, crisps and other foods, where back in the day I argue they were better than what is on offer today. But do you agree? Do your think please. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.