What it means to be a beard

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (leader of all beards on digital media). It’s been a pleasure to call myself that for the four years that I started this project.

All thanks go to the one, who gave me my facial treasure, the face medallion my beard. The journey in bearded leadership has been close to smooth sailing. Thanks and praise must go the one who gave me my beard.

Just yesterday, it’s emerged, however, that I have work to do and any success I feel I might have had, I need to learn to stay humble and modest. This persona is a tongue in cheek persona. You, my soldiers, are aware no doubt of this.

The world of the internet is a place where it’s like a separate realm almost. People can hide behind a computer and say anything and almost get away with it.

On the youtube part of the project, a youtube user after five months (yes you read that right) decided to comment on one of my old videos and tell me I look like a terrorist (apparently).

I find it ironic, due to the work we have done to challenge this stereotype. Of course, we can’t always issue a rebuttal to each person, but my beards this is a reminder to us all.

The reminder is two-fold, the first part is we can’t issue a rebuttal on each hate mail we get, sometimes silence is golden. Second lesson though is when we issue a response, or shall I say if we do, then we need to be measured in how we respond.

If you fight fire with fire, both will get burnt. The way to tackle a fire is with water. My beards, we make them laugh and we show them we are excellent in manners.

A real beard doesn’t stand for any harm caused to their face (shaving beard), so how can we stand for the killing of innocents? (Men, ladies, children – young and old).

The Captain has said this, and he will say it again, he/she who thinks it’s ok to kill innocent people without reason, The Captain is free of you. You have no right to sit on my table. 

The Bearded Pledge (A beard, will always be 1% growth, 99% attitude with the ability to make them laugh!). Lastly, #saynototerrorism. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Weddings; Asian vs Non Asian

Hello, and greetings, my bearded soldiers – it’s your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media, here with another topic that needs some discussion.

My Bearded Brothers, after the kind feedback of yesterday’s piece on family gatherings, I want to talk about the wedding ceremonies; Asian vs Non-Asian.

After reading my previous blogs and listening to my previous blogs on the subject of Asian’s, you will get where I am going with this lol.

Now, for the non-Asian, they find it hard to fathom that anyone would marry their cousin. If you ask most of the UK, they would say that is something the people of Norfolk do, but this is something they could never imagine doing themselves (marrying their cousin).

To stereotype here … massively, non-Asian’s would usually find a boyfriend/girlfriend and be in a relationship for five/six years and then find the most cliche place to propose. Some proposals are quite romantic don’t get me wrong.

In the world of an Asian, some do marry their boyfriend/girlfriend (but don’t tell their parents that, otherwise it would be the Mcchappal meal if you know what I mean). In that case, usually, a conversation follows like this;

Mum; if you find a girl you want to marry, tell me first.
The boy; err since you mentioned it, mum, there’s a girl…

*Famous last words, then flight, to Pakistan gets swiftly booked and he’s not seen for a few years. The boy duly comes back to the UK with a Pakistani wife and two kids!*

Back to the story though. When the boy usually says that, a frosty response is followed by the mum, the boy would say something like “we met at Uni and she is really nice”. A marriage will follow, but this is where the real work begins.

The Asian boyfriend and girlfriend, who kept meeting at the library for “studying”, after having overcome the secrecy of keeping their relationship alive, now enter the politics of marriage …. (more on that later).

The boy finding his own marriage partner can cause a war more deadly then any that history has ever known. Vietnam, World War one and two were brutal … but challenging an Asian mum on wedding partner, na nothing beats that.

There is the alternative marriage method in the Asian household, the arranged marriage. This was something I did when I was married, but yes I had a say in it and yes I met her beforehand.

A colleague asked me, do you meet your wife beforehand? Is this done against your will and you have no say in it?

Sensing the chance to troll, I said well, it’s like The Voice … a series of women come into the room, but I face the other way and when I hear the voice of a lady and I like it, I turn my chair around and wala this lady is now my wife.

My colleague believed me and that tipped me over into laughter!
So after agreeing to the marriage, then comes the deal or no deal part as I call it or the Dragon’s Den part- the negotiation.

Now in a non-Asian wedding, they usually do it in the church and invite close friends and family. They have food, get leathered, have a sing-song maybe, the bride throws bouquet then they go in their wedding car and into the sunset.

If only it was like that in an Asian wedding. Remember me mentioning the about the politics side of the Asian wedding? Yeah, well that’s the bit where such and such needs to get invited coz they invited us.

Now that sounds, kind I think, invite someone to your family wedding, coz they invited you to theirs, but no all is not what it seems. This is money based … they invited us to their family wedding we gave £50, now if we invite them and they don’t give £50, they’re not coming to our other son’s wedding.

Then you have to consider what about inviting this person? If we don’t invite them, it’s gonna be awkward. This person in the scenario when it came to me, was someone I had no idea who they were.

I remember, it like yesterday mum brings the book to me. I was thinking mum is this my life? It wasn’t, it was the list of people in a book, who attended my sister’s wedding.

Everyone from that list was under review (bar family of course), my mum went through that list one by one, to see if they would be attending my wedding.

I kid you not, I said I want 200/300 people to my wedding tops, but it should be lower. Guess how many people came? 600!

So an over-inflated guess list now needs an over-inflated venue and menu to match.

Thankfully my parents were and still are savy with and their money and had been saving up for this probably since I was born, but not all families can do this.

Some families get into serious debt paying for something they just can’t afford, but what will people say if we only get married in a mosque? This is the rhetoric that takes over the Asian mind.

O, I didn’t mention obviously after the marriage is agreed the engagement is usually eight months. I am not sure if that’s the families way of saying;

“Are you sure, you want to do this, think about it here’s an eight-month cooling off period. Do you want to give up your freedom”?

So, if both families agree to still go ahead with the wedding, then the jewellery needs to be arranged. How much gold to give to the mother-in-law and the sisters-in-law and to the this relation and that relation.

The amount of gold jewellery present on the wedding day, on the bride and all the women alike, 50 Cent would be left Jealous.

Then there’s the hired cars and designer suits that cost close to a month’s wages. The cars that would be on show are the ones the boys would have posters up of.
Maybe for one day, they can escape the reality of owning a 1.3 litre Nisan Micra.

Now we go inside the wedding hall that the Asian paid an arm and leg for. Over the top decor, such as gold chandeliers and decorative dressings to name some.
Remember me mention about the family gathering food? Well yeah, it’s not too dissimilar to food made at home.

Granted, these wedding/banquet halls maybe professionals at food prep but the food is not too dissimilar.Maybe there’s more food than that of a family gathering.

Staters of kebabs, fish and chicken tikka pieces are usually the same in all weddings.
Mains of boneless chicken, lamb and vegetable curry also is the same, alongside a choice of rice or naan pretty much is the same too.

Where there is a difference from wedding to wedding is the sweet food (Indian sweets) It’s still diabetes waiting to happen for sure.

So after all these wedding rituals are done, remember this is just the start! As there are another three days of this concerted effort for a wedding at least!
It’s times like this, I wish I wasn’t Asian… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

Family gatherings; Asian vs Non-Asian

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My bearded beloved’s, I am here this evening to address you lovely souls.

Brothers, I hope you’re surviving in these tough times, times where you can’t fully maintain your beards (give them a trim). Brothers … this is times of lockdown, brother beard it’s binding upon you to learn skills.

Skills, such as may be cooking, going some way to achieving your goals. I am a beard who tries to lead by example. So, alhamdulillah I have learnt to make toffee crisp, kinder Bueno and Aero milkshake.

On top of that, I have learnt how to make kebabs and to prepare chicken .. before the lockdown I wouldn’t have had a clue how to do any of that. I am fortunate to be able to say, I have done this, as well as working on improving this project (The Bearded Captain).

Without too much further ado, I want to talk about today’s topic … Family gatherings Asian’s vs Non-Asian’s.

We have touched upon this in a previous post, but there are some specifics I want to mention here.

In an Asian household, if there’s for an example a family dinner on Saturday 16th May, us Asians, would probably get ready for it two weeks before. Now, in an Asian household, it’s not just the food they look out for when hosting a dinner party , the house gets attention too.

Any slight imperfections in the bathroom, the whole house gets the DIY SOS treatment. Mr Nick Knowles, if you think your programme is going stale, then search the “Asian yellow pages” (directory to find the places where Asian’s are many).

That would keep your programme going for many years to come. Now, if the bathroom isn’t quite eye blindingly gleaming, then this isn’t good enough because what will the guest’s thing about a room that’s only used for necessity rather than convenience like the living room.

As I am Asian of course, I can’t say for sure, but this doesn’t strike something a non-Asian would pay so much attention to detail too. A non-Asian might have a certain amount of cousins extended family but in an Asian household … well.

An extended family usually means, cousins, cousins’ sister’s wife’s brothers daughters son. If you understood that great! Because I don’t quite understand for family dinners how the Asian family tree increases at such a rate.

I am convinced sometimes, these lady and gents are Bollywood extras, hired just to make the party look that more well attended. Great for Aunties chit chat and showboating .. to show how well the gathering has been attended of course.

In a non-Asian household, I am sure they clean their house well and proper, but in an Asian household, we clean the house expecting the food standards agency to show up at any minute.

Now for the food itself, as previously mentioned in an Asian household, for family gatherings is five-star  Michelin quality.

Non-Asian household food for family gatherings, barely “tickles the surface”. A £1 bag of cheese and onion crisps served on a plate for 10 people is cute, but if you’re like me .. I can wolf that down by myself in 10 minutes.

If that doesn’t fill you up, what about the tuna triangle cut sandwiches accompanied by slices of quiche and some slices of pizza.

Good finger food there, some may say, but if you want a banquet  and not have the felling of what’s for dinner afterwards, then  take a deep breath  and let me just roll out the food menu at an Asian family gathering.

Chicken pieces, chicken roast, kebabs samosas, fish and lamb chops – that’s just the starters! Then we move on to our mains, there we have brown rice with the options of curry’s.

Vegetable curry (for the psychopaths), boneless chicken mixed in spinach (my favourite) or lamb curry. Reading this you’re probably getting hungry, then full right? There’s more, a mention needs to be made about naan or chapati as an alternative to rice.

As you can see the main’s and starters are filled with grease oil, enough oil to probably supply Saudi and the other Middle Eastern/Arab states, but don’t tell Donald!

If you manage to conquer the man versus food challenge that is an Asian food menu filled with oil and grease, then brace yourselves for the dessert. This is usually an Indian sweet dish or for the real posh Asian’s amongst the masses, there’s ice cream or chocolate cake!

The guests act shocked in an Asian household that dessert is coming, and make a tongue and cheek comment of “you have made so much, and you’ve made dessert too”, even though they knew it was coming (deep down)

The chocolate cake, the ice cream or even the Indian sweets that’s dripped in syrup, is usually diabetes in a plate.

In a non-Asian household, they probably would have a dessert of that nature too (Ice cream or cake).

Refreshments wise, in a non-Muslim non-Asian household, they would have wine or beer. As for Asian’s they have Pepsi, coke or even Rubicon Mango, who my friend swears blindly is an alcoholic drink (don’t ask).

Pepsi and coke may seem like harmless drinks, but how giddy and boisterous the Uncle’s get after dinner, you question that rhetoric and think water would have sufficed for them, especially with the drive back home to consider.

So the dinner is done, and for the non-asian household it’s 10 plates and side plates to clean and that’s the party done and dusted. If it only it was like that in an Asian household.

The night after calling over 100 people for dinner (half of the relatives probably forging their relative status to you), the time for the clean down missions begins. Bathrooms, kitchen, garage (even though no one went in there) must be cleaned spotless.

The front room, dining room and lobby need to be given a makeover too, a makeover that would make the team at Homes Under The Hammer lost for words.

Into the night this intense cleaning operation would go into and at the end of it, you would be left with leftover food that could feed Manchester for a week, but your own household for two weeks! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The people who you can’t trust (Satire)

Hello, good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media). My beards, I want to stand to salute you all first of all.

You’re a credit to yourselves and your face. My brothers (non-keyworkers) you have had to overcome the “you need to shave your face, because of the coronavirus – and they say being bearded” can cause the spread of infection.

Your Captain has had this experience to deal with too. So how you deal with it? Well, I always advise to not go fire with fire, never really solves anything. So the scenario unfolded like so.

Them; “Yaz (The Bearded Captain), you will have to shave your beard because of what Dr’s are saying about coronavirus”.
Me; “Yeah, I know (Won’t insert her name here), I heard this on the news as well. If this ever becomes the case, that my beard is a problem in the workplace due to COVID, then I will self isolate”.

Game, set and match. There are our fallen heroes who are health care professionals and have had to lose their face shield, but in my case, I am not in health care … so no, I won’t give up my pride and joy for the sake of it.

There are respectively bigger challenges that a beard will need to face like the challenges of the summer. so without too much further ado, of course, someone who betrays their beard isn’t trustworthy, but let me give you some more examples.

Biscuit dippers …. biscuits aren’t there to be subjected to suicide dives into someone’s cup! The chocolate digestives are the flag bearers of biscuit.

It’s a unique name, shares similar traits to Pritt stick, blue tack and sellotape – what I mean by this whichever company makes it and even if their company calls it one, we the public will universally know it as that.

So, for example, Pritt stick will always be known as that whichever company makes it, so to subject the biscuit to such mindless abuse is, sweet snacks abuse!

Then you have the people who put the hot water in before making the coffee, what kind of evil sorcery is this? I can’t help but imagine you’re the very same kind of people who eat KitKat four fingers in the same way, you eat other chocolates.

What I mean, is that instead of eating the Nation’s favourite chocolate that you have on your first break with a cuppa, the normal way …. some of you eat the Kitkat with two half fingers ate.

I have to put the question, are the people who would spell your name, Sean, instead of Shaun? the first example surely spells seen, right? Unfortunately, there is women’s name spelt in the same unusual way.

Siobhan, is actually pronounced Shivorn? Siobhan spells C-O-Ban! So, as you can see these are several examples of the untrustworthy ones. We can’t forget to mention, the ones who wear socks when going to bed.

I am ashamed to admit this, I was one who was upon this treacherous way of thinking. Thankfully sense prevailed. Last but not least, another example of an “untrustworthy person”, is when they get a chicken burger meal, they finish their burger first and leave the chips.

A real crime, to burger meals and how they should be eaten. Chips first then the burger or you mix the two … but you do not! finish burger first. A bit of satire (attempted there) t try and cheer you up.

On that note my beards, I will now love you and leave you… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!

The Bearded Key-workers explained

Hello and Greetings, my bearded soldiers. Some might not know, but you my bearded beloved’s do know –  I go by the name of The Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media.

As you know my beloved’s (if you watch my vlog) , I have got a new snapback. This snapback is printed, with the message, “The Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media”.

My brothers, I am delighted to announce, that I am now selling snapbacks. They are available in a variety of colours, and personalised messages ( please email; ayyazmalik86@gmail.com for more info).

I have to share with you my beards. that my beard I personally trimmed it today. The excruciating detail of finding the right weapon of choice was necessary for undergoing this important and noble task/operation, as beard needs that TLB (tender love of beard).

The careful trimming, the precise cutting with the scissors to make the beard normal on the sides, was the kind of cutting precision that  would leave your local butcher  admiring in awe.

It wasn’t just the scissors needed for this mission, the Wahl head shaver was called to duty, to complete its bearded national service. Now, I know what you’re thinking (it’s summer, the face fur will get the heave-ho, due to the heat).

My brothers, no-no .. this is far from the truth. The hair clipper was needed, due to The Captain needing to control what I call, “side whiskers”.

Fyi, the number four-blade did an admiral job of trimming the side whiskers down, but it’s not quite  to the standard of the bearded heroes.

These guys are heroes. If the nurses, carers and people of the medical profession are key workers, then I must advise you that these dedicated souls are bearded key workers. Who are these heroes, who put themselves on the front line in the fight to keep beards maintained and well-groomed?

They are my brothers, Scissors Kutz barbershop in Manchester. These brave Musketeers hail from the land of Kurdistan, where it seems the case that all of them go through an extensive training regime, to master the art of haircutting, but most importantly the maintenance of beard before they step fur on British shores.

To bring family honor in the Asian household, having a career as a Dr, Accountant or Lawyer will only do, for our Kurd heroes, this seems to be the same thing, except for that they must be a barber.

These brave men, sacrifice time with their families to deal with the most urgent of cases of poor beard maintenance. Bearded Knotts uneven beard growth seems to be the common bearded emergencies.

If that’s not hard enough, they will have to deal with sure of client bookings after lockdown, due to everyone looking like Captain caveman or Shaggy from Scooby doo. Before you say it, yes he’s a shame to “the captain family”, Uncle Birds eye told him so.

On top of the next few weeks to come, there is, of course, the Eid haircut. Why is the relevant I hear you ask?

This is the time where people lose their minds … think people queuing up for the new iPhone 11, then you will see my point. Christmas bookings will no doubt be just as hectic too.

There are other vital people, in the fight on the bearded front line. The employees at Bulldog, the beard care company. The bearded barbers are one part of the cog and the beard care workers is the other.

A beard needs all its nutrients to grow (beardosynthesis). They too like their bearded barber counterparts, work long hours anyway, but even more in the Christmas period, which means they don’t see their families.

So there you have it my beards,  course make sure you do self maintenance  and self beard care where you can.

It had to be mentioned that these hardworking souls are key, to keeping your face looking awesome. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed … stay beard!

How Ramadan is similar to a lockdown

Hello and greetings from your bearded captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media and broadcast media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and smile.

My bearded beloved’s, here I want to talk about an important issue, (it must be noted, my blog posts are all important, that’s why I write them hehe).

I want to bring this to your attention my beloved’s and that is this, my beards there are similarities between being in Ramadan and being in lockdown.

O how, we pity you, the non-Muslim, or Mr Will Mellor who said he had a “power cut”, I have got a **** power cut” during this lockdown, to directly quote the man himself. Will, have you never been to the Asian Sub-Continent?

In the Sub-Continent, my friend at the best of times (mainly summertime) it’s a minor miracle that they even have power. Anyway, that aside, (hear me out on this, I am on to something) – there are similarities between this lockdown and Ramadan.

In the lockdown, people have been stockpiling food, and you know that is what’s also done in Ramadan. True story here, I bought 20kg of boneless chicken from the butchers. Boneless banquet for one they say? Naaa it’s like boneless banquet for the whole street more like!

The grocery shops in Ramadan are rammed with customers like Aldi and Tesco are too. In Ramadan, if we’re off work we don’t like going out (partly being too tired), but in lockdown, you can only go out if there’s a dire need to.

As mentioned, when we do go out, we do tend to bulk buy food. I must make a mention, an Asian household/Muslim household don’t stockpile with a years supply of loo roll, just the couple of months.

I must ask a question to fellow Asians, why is there so many “Manchester Superstores”, dude there are even some in Huddersfield, what’s up with that?

We are clever even before this lockdown, we don’t use loo roll like the Non-muslims do when we do our thing, we use a cracking device called a Muslim shower, it’s water and it sprays when you press the trigger, it’s awesome ** love-struck emoji **

One good thing about the lockdown, mum would say is that you can go out for essential shops, heaven forbid … it was getting to the stage that we were going to have to eat the ‘food for the guests’.

It must be noted in an Asian household, there’s food and then there’s food for the guests. Food for you I won’t say it’s like bread and water, but it’s not like food for the guests. That’s the kind of food that even Gordon Ramsey would say has been “cooked well and tastes delicious”.

Hell’s kitchen and  Ramsey’s kitchen nightmare fans know what I mean by that.

O refreshments get the same treatment, Rubicon mango juice for the guests, and Tesco value juice for you the inhabitants of the home.

Same thing with the fizzy drink, if you’re allowed to even have it, and that too is when the guests are there. Coca-cola (the real stuff) and Rubicon mango too would be on offer, those days are worth savouring.

This isn’t lockdown related, maybe a tad Ramadan related, but I have to mention this. Many maybe distressed of having to stay indoors or lack of activity etc.

My non Asian friends nothing is more painful than seeing a tub of celebrations, then opening it and then realising it’s last weeks curry in there.

*cries uncontrollably* and your favourite Mars chocolates? Nowhere to be seen! The same treatment is given to Walls ice cream boxes too.

It doesn’t stop there either, Royal Dansk biscuits, fancy one? No you can’t have one, you won’t really get one in an Asian household, unless you have your grandparents, they would be the only ones who have these biscuits.

Sewing box, box for screws but biscuits? No, not in Asian household .

So there you have it, a different look to this Ramadan. Non-Muslim household’s I feel sorry for you almost not being in Ramadan, but mind you those spring rolls are deeeeeadly!
It’s over and out from the bearded captain.

Clearing up some misconceptions of Ramadan

Hello and greetings, I go by the name of the bearded captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards on digital and broadcast media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s so, now you are aware of what Ramadan is, which is great … I want to clarify and clear up some misconceptions. Fasting … isn’t for everyone, yes you read that right.

The only people who should fast, are those who are able. So, to clarify, the people who are exempt from fasting are pregnant women, the elderly and young children. Of course, the people who have underlying health conditions are exempt too.

Many examples of friends and family are doing this (not fasting due to their health, and that’s fine, health is the main priority). Muslims can brush their teeth, so for the sake of family members, make sure you do that guys.

One misconception, I also heard about Ramadan was you’re not allowed to engage in sexual activity. There’s no case of “no nut November” here. What, you should do, just like you would in terms of food and drink is not have it during daylight hours.

To clarify my beards, which I should have done before, it’s encouraged that he/she who can’t fast, that they should give to charity. Ramadan is seen as a month of mercy, where you aim to get spiritually closer to god.

In no way should you overexert yourself, but to an extent no pain no gain, for he/she who’s able. Ramadan is aimed to break you and not destroy you, far from it. It’s over and out from the bearded captain.

Ramdan Mubarak, and what is Ramadan

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your bearded captain. I am here with an address of a different kind. As you know my beloved’s I like to try and make you laugh and smile with one-line jokes and general banter.

We are of course in unprecedented times, so the need to stay safe and well is of utmost importance. For the bearded Muslims amongst you, I would like to wish you a heartfelt Ramadan Mubarak (Happy Ramadan).

What is Ramadan I here you ask? No, it’s not where they “starve themselves” as some famously said within my earshot. Ramadan is a holy month for Muslims, where for 29/30 days (depending on the lunar calendar).

In this month, we Muslims abstain from food, drink and sexual activity in daylight hours. this a month, where we Muslims try to nourish the mind, body and soul. A cliche some might say this is, but if done correctly this will be achieved.

Ramadan, this year has a very different feel to it. This is quite simply due to the coronavirus, but the order of the day is to stay home and save lives. Some of the

Ramadan rituals is to share a meal with your community when you open your fast.
In my case, I am blessed to have a big family, so we get by and have been sharing our meals to open the fast with each other. In life, you deal with the cards you’re dealt with, but it doesn’t mean it was a bad deck.

The other Ramadan ritual would be a congregational night prayer (Taraweeh). Now, again this would be a chance to meet with the community spirit and also help build a spiritual connection, but just like with the opening of the fast, the need to stay home and save lives, is more important above all else.

Just like before Ramadan, where you observed lockdown, inshaaAllah do the same here. In the long run, you will realise it’s the best thing you did my Muslim beard.
It’s over and out from the bearded captain. Ramadan Mubarak!

The Summer beard

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, I pray you are well. As you know, we are of course in unprecedented times, in the times of lockdown and isolation. The Monks and the Buddhists talk of isolation and the therapeutic effects of the period of solitude.

For your Captain, however, it’s not been plain sailing. Part of me thinks, this isolation thing, how am I differing from the Monks, what are they doing that I am not? Yes, in these times I have spent time with my Nephew (Bearded Captain in the making) and my niece who has a key to my heart (the cheeky monkey).

There have been times of boredom, and just feeling fed up and worn down. I share this bit of info with you my beloved’s, just to remind you, you’re not alone. My brothers, I invite you to reach out to me on my email (ayyazmalik86@gmail.com), should you feel the need to talk.

I am here for my brothers, even if I don’t blog as much here, that’s been in part due to me working on my vlog The Sports Buff, which is shaping nicely and my pride and joy, The Bearded Captain vlog.

Brothers, my bearded soldiers what I want to talk to you about today though is about the summer beard. Much has been made about Jim Carey advising men to do Quarantine Beard, (grow a beard in lockdown time) but with it being summer, traditionally men tend to shave their pride and joy off their faces.

I have to question this rhetoric. Guys, when it’s summer, do we grab the hair clippers and say this hair is too much let’s shave it off? Usually, men don’t, so why is beard different?

My soldiers, it’s a tough time to grow a beard or have a beard, I can’t dress this up. But my brothers, the true men amongst you, will take this challenge head-on. The Captain suggests, that you have a cold shower regularly as well washing your face with cold water.

Life is full of challenges brothers in the world of beard, don’t make this be one of them. Especially in the UK, summer doesn’t last forever, have some patience. Bless you, all brothers, it’s over and out of from The Bearded Captain.