Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my Bearded Soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards. I want to start this address by saying I apologise that my own standards in The Bearded Field have slipped.
For the past two months, after extensive training from my Bearded Mentor (The Commander and Chief) Ahmed Talib Rashid, I was deemed ready to be The Bearded Captain by him and also got the “approving nod” by Mr David Hollier (a non-active Bearded Commander).
Now the role of The Bearded Captain is something you’re born with and The Bearded Greatness (to have the attitude and swag) was taught to me, selflessly by Ahmed Rashid. The tough love and the harshness all makes sense now, that explains why I took retrospective action against the two disobedient beards.
The first beard was Mr David Hunter. Mr Hunter committed the cardinal sin of doing a “Russel Crowe”. A Russel Crowe is someone who thinks they are too big for their beard and then shaves it off! Let me explain further, I am sure you lovely people are aware of that blockbuster movie that was Gladiator.
I mean, after all, it was only one of the greatest films of all time! In this film, you had the character Maximus/ Spaniard who was played by Russel Crowe of course. Now many would recognise in this film that Crowe gave an award winning performance, but what many won’t recognise is that his beard was the true award winner.
Just look at it (MashaaAllah Allah huma barik), but then it went downhill, with the beard comes fame and our Russel, couldn’t handle the fame and thus shaved off his beard.
Since that day forward whoever follows this treacherous person (Crowe) then he will be seen like him, thus creating the Russel Crowe law. Never did I expect to witness anyone to do the same despicable act that Crowe did all those years ago.
How could someone do such a thing? I know, even I ask such a question but such a thing happened and to make it even worse, something of a similar nature ( a bearded man shaving off his beard) happened in the modern day …. step forward Mr David Hunter.
Of course, he was duly punished by being sentenced to a donkey scrub in the middle for everyone to see for a painstaking 30 minutes, but the pain still hurts that someone thinks they can do such a thing.
So that’s one bad experience of my leadership, another was the experience of the other disobedient beard, Adam Malik. This beard was seen as a very close friend of mine, this beard would be someone who was granted permission to call me every day, but he lost his rights of doing this.
The reason Mr Malik lost his rights to do this were because just like David he got too big for his boots. Adam openly revolted against me by questioning a direct order. Coffee is a bearded beverage and tea in comparison is for clean shaven Jessie’s.
I gave him the chance to repent, but this beard was unrepentant …. and to make his case worse he thinks only one trilby/snapback is enough. I quote “isn’t one enough”, for foolish comments like that I would have ordered him to wax his legs and arms, but I went soft as I see him as a beard who can change.
He needed a punishment regardless of my love for him and his punishment was that he was stripped of being a Bearded Sargent and is merely a Bearded Foot soldier, it pained me to have to make such a decision on someone I love so dearly.
Mr Marcus Nicholson is now the sole Bearded Sargent if anyone wants to apply for the role of Bearded Sargent,please feel free to email me at the following address firstname.lastname@example.org
Now there was a reason why I share those two examples of beards who have been disobedient, the reason is this …. yours truly is going through a difficult time in his bearded leadership.
The admiring glances …….. have reduced, the admirers, on the whole, have reduced …… An example of this was when a clean-shaven Jessie Andy Cutts was given the reception I have been used to getting with my beard.
I know the reason why my powers are dwindling …… it’s man flu! * cries uncontrollably* I was magnificent two weeks ago, it was just two god damn weeks! Even managers are saying your beard looks messy ….. damn you man flu!
My jokes have gone because of my sore and aching throat, this has ruined my delivery of telling jokes. I must also add I have not been able to work on new material, due to the epidemic and when people ask me for new jokes, I say “I can’t think of any”! *sobs uncontrollably*
Please guys please, I ask you to donate just a smile by leaving a comment in the comment section today. Your smile could save a once funny man and make him funny again … thank you.
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.