How to crack women (satire)

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards.

Brothers, I want to talk about the issue of the women folk.

Their rights to vote, equal pay and just a general position in society , women are a hotly debated subject.

Brothers as a man who is married and also been divorced I want to talk about some ways, some tips and methods on how to understand women better.

So my beloved’s what I want to talk about is a few different scenarios where every woman has come into this particular category/scenario.

I will tell you the first scenario, ”I am ok” or “leave me alone” an all too familiar scenario right? This is when you ask her are you okay? Then she says I’m okay but you can tell from her face she’s just not.

Sometimes she may need to be left alone. Other times, the all mighty knows best, because if you leave her alone you’re not giving her enough attention.

Yes, very confusing I know! The same thing with the, she is ok scenario, if you assume she’s ok and not say anything, it will lead to a world war.

What do you do then? I can only advise ask her are you ok, but don’t over do it, let her come to you. In this Scenario, it can be argued theres no right answer, in the case of a woman it’s always wrong answer.

Brother for this next point, don’t mention this for your own your own safety.I can’t forget to mention the how it takes her half of the day to get ready, Brother don’t mention this for your own for your own safety.

Just as long as you’re ready for that party before she is and you can sit down and read blogs like this or listen to my/ watch my videos, that’s fine.

A woman is always right, in all circumstances. No if no buts. Also note her cooking doesn’t need anymore salt, it’s perfect!

The last example, is when taking her out to dinner. Women love to be given the feeling that, they are in control. A man? He has that same thought.

So what to do here? It’s simple brothers, you pay attention to what restaurant she likes. With this this info, you make it look like you made the decision to go to the restaurant she likes.

It shows you’re decisive , but also you have her interests at heart, you’re welcome.

Brothers, also want to mention, if you ever wind up a woman… give them space. You will have to apologise to them for getting them mad, but then give them time to cool down.

When dealing with a fire, does the fire fighter attack the flames straight up? No, of course he doesn’t! He allows the flames to decrease, that’s what you’re doing here.

So that’s your guide brothers. If you bear these tips in mind, consider this that you have survived being out in the wild.

Is there any examples I missed? Let me know in the comments. It’s over and from the The Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed, stay beard!

Happy international men’s day

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers it’s me you Bearded Captain leader of all beards On digital Media.

I am that made it tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My baby brothers every day is a celebration in the life of Beard. Today however is specifically day where it’s been marked on the calendar as international men’s day.

Brothers don’t be fooled, You might get duped into shaving companies shoving shaving products down your throat to try and emphasise the inner man within you.

We have discussed things which highlight and emphasise masculinity in accordance to my humble opinion in the previous blog.

Traditionally providers of families, men Are a vital cog in society. My fellas, my kings -my bearded heroes today is the day like every day to celebrate being a man.

To be a man is great, You even have some women creating the chance to be a man, you know what I mean. Such is the lure of being a man.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay Beard!

Things what make you lose your masculinity

Hello and greetings my bearded Soldiers it’s me your Bearded captain, leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s what I want to talk about is the topic of what makes you lose your masculinity.

Shaping of eyebrows, now this is more associated with the women folk but it’s true . Despite this animated discussion I had with Some one on tik-tok, men just don’t touch their eyebrows.

What if they’re bushy like Nigel Mansell I hear you ask? Doesn’t matter! Another thing, skinny jeans!

I don’t really need to tell you why this is on the list do I? But for the naive amongst you, it looks weird and it looks like you have soiled your self when you’re walking.

Then that brings us too tight T-shirts, when you wear tight T-shirt you look like you’re in a straitjacket and you’re suffocating yourself.

Again for a similar reason to skinny jeans tight T-shirts it’s not masculine and when I say tight T-shirts uncomfortably tight.

Maybe it’s just my old-fashioned view in this regard it just doesn’t sit right with me. And another thing which I just don’t feel comfortable with is a man allowing a woman to Drive when he is perfectly capable to do so.

It just doesn’t see the gentleman thing to do. Other not gentlemanly things a Man can do is not protect his lady with an umbrella when it is raining.

I’ve seen with my own eyes on one occasion there was the standard Manchester monsoon. In this scenario one would’ve thought the man would have put the umbrella underneath lady to protect you from getting wet.

To say the Captain was disgusted? Was an understatement! Of course not having a beard makes you lose your masculinity, that goes with out saying .

The last example which makes a man loses his masculinity, is when he exposes her to the side of where the cars are coming from when they’re walking together on the footpath.

So there there you have it my bearded beloved’s the List of what makes you lose your masculinity.

Have I missed? Let me know in the comments. It’s over now from The Bearded Captain!

Stay blessed stay Beard!

Why you don’t call me Captain Birds Eye explained

Hello good morning and greetings my Bearded Soldiers. It’s me Bearded Captain leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers what I want to talk about here is the issue of just why you don’t call me Captain Birdseye.

Now those of you who don’t know who Captain Birdseye is, he is a fictional character based on the frozen food brand.

Or maybe I should say there’s a frozen food brand called Captain Birdseye and their adverts which depict a fictional character who plays Captain Birdseye.

It must be stated my title is the Bearded Captain. So naturally if you call me Captain Birdseye we’re going to fall out.

Also Captain Birdseye looks like uncle Albert from on the fools and horses. And no sir I do not look like Uncle Albert from only fools and horses.

That’s the exact point uncle Albert is a more elder statesman of society. Me? I’m still 34 years young Sir.

Also it must be stated Captain Birdseye is a captain of his own ship but he has no affiliation to beard life so he cannot represent us.

Calling me Captain Birdseye it’s like calling me Captain Morgan just why? Guys there is a few rules when it comes to me.

Never insult my facial hair and know that I will still tell jokes, no matter how terrible you think they are.

Any other authentic compliments course will never go amiss. But there you go my brothers my bearded beloved’s.

It’s over and out from the Bearded Captain stay blessed stay in beard!

When you know you’re a Northerner

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that baby tried to make people smile.

My brother is what I want to talk about today is an important issue the issue of being a northerner (from the North of England).

So just to give you an insight brothers we are a very proud bunch of northerners. Our unique phrases and very iconic landmarks.

Our cold weather, our rain is what makes the north than it is. The legendary phrases “you are right R kid”.

All other phrases like do you want a brew? Yorkshire Lancashire you know this all goes under the northern bracket but we are united as brothers but obviously the cricket matches for example.

Then is red rose again to White rose. It’s really cute when people are in Manchester for example who are not from around and say do you know where the city centre is?

After you’ve composed yourself from having a face of disgust you realise they mean town. The lack of hustle and bustle the the severe congestion there 100 miles an hour that I might be down south.

The north and us northerners we like to live life in the chilled lane. We say hello to people that we don’t know just to be friendly.

Oh I nearly forgot when I say north of course that means like Lancashire and Yorkshire and there is that there is north after Watford and the M1.

I know our a Scottish friends We’ll see people from the north of England as being from down south.

Which is understandable as far as their thinking is concerned.

But what isn’t understandable is our Birmingham friends Midlanders and their belief that they’re from up north.

No I’m not talking about that hit Channel 4 show. What I’m saying there is you are a bit undecided as to where your allegiances lie.

People from down south can have the snobbery and the belief that they are better than people from up north.

The truth is though let’s put it like this. BBC offices have now moved up north to Manchester of course from London.

House prices cost of living is much better up north. I am imagine For a pint of milk is probably for five times more than it is up north.

Of course over exaggeration sarcasm put times why would you not want to move north it’s the greatest part of the country and its of course where are you Bearded captain resides from the north of England.

Great restaurants, great chicken takeaways And Bearded connoisseurs i.e beard barbers- what is there not to like about the north?

Guys have I missed anything out? Northerners amongst you let me know of any other fantastic reasons to live in the north in the comments.

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain. Stay blessed stay Beard!

The things you should never ask

Hello and good morning greetings my bedded soldiers. I go by the name of the Bearded Captain, Leader, flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard who to tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s so kind of carrying on from the last blog address where we spoke about some unwritten rules in life of what we shouldn’t do.

In this blog post my brothers I want to talk about things that we just shouldn’t ask. So some things would be self-explanatory you would think that you don’t ask, but other things aren’t necessarily.

Why should you not ask these questions? Brothers I have to talk about being a bit of a bearded know it all but in this instance I generally don’t know, but just don’t do it.

I have learned this to my cost there was an incident where I was at my dad‘s market stall and a young and naive me asked a lady what’s her size for the underwear she needed.

She went red my dad and my dad in no uncertain terms told me so that’s just something you don’t ask and an eight-year-/old nine-year-old me asked dad why?

My dad rather embarrassed, said son you just don’t! Another example of naivety is if your parent says can you do this and you say can’t you do it ?

Again in this example this is something that you will be doing at your own peril. This is something that your Captain hasn’t done because I’m not so naive I’m a bit more smart in this regard.

If there are any of you however you fancy that shot then also book yourself in for an A&E appointment when you get uppercutted for the bare cheek of it.

I can not write this blog without including the topic of someone taking your curly chips.

There are other examples for example this is more for the Muslim readers amongst you. You never ask a lady why are you not praying or fasting.

If you really want to ask you’re just going to embarrass yourself in the process. Last but not least of the things that you should just not ask, is this.

You never ask someone who is a football fan and they don’t support their local team, why? I almost lost a friend due to this they were that annoyed.

Are there any others that I’ve missed? let me know in the comments. It’s over and out from the Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed stay Beard!

If you do this, we need to talk

Hello and good evening my beaded soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beds and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that Bearded who tries to make people laugh and I am happy to try to make people smile. My Bearded Beloved’s what I wanted to talk about today was this.

My Bearded Brothers issue I want to talk about is the issue of certain things that people do which really make me question their thinking.

I know Brother that now has perked your interest as to what the Captain is talking about.

Let me explain brothers with a few examples. So brothers he or even she Who eats pizza with a knife and fork I mean come on really?

Just on which planet do you have pizza with a knife and fork? Pizza is made to be eaten with your hands So again talking of fork people have A slice of cake with a fork.

Again what is wrong with you people for every normal individual they have cake with a spoon and a teaspoon at that!

A mention needs to be made about people who also use knife and fork for eating chicken. Again, just no!

Other examples of psychopathic behaviour and alarming behaviour is people wearing socks and sandals and people wearing socks with three-quarter shorts.

And on top of all that, you get people who dip their digestives . Which leads to the question once it inevitably relents under the pressure of the coffee and crumbles into the coffee mug what do you do?

Do you use a spoon to pick up the biscuits? or do you risk burning as you try and put your hand into the coffee mug to retrieve the wounded soldier that is the digestive biscuit?

The answer? is to not have your digestives going for a swim in your coffee in the first place!

Like normal civilised human beings have your coffee have you biscuit but they don’t mix like they say don’t mix your drinks don’t mix food with your beverage.

Are there any that I’ve missed out? let me know in the comments. For this evening though it is over and out from your Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed stay Beard!

The “joys” of being a couple

Hello and good evening my Bearded brothers. My name is Ayyaz Malik, aka The Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and the beard that tries to make people smile. My bearded beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue.

This my brothers, is the issue of being in a relationship ( a couple). Now, for the benefit of this blog, I want to talk about a hetro-sexual relationship. Why? Well the women folk they’re a “lovely bunch”.

I think you can sense the sarcasm in my writing tone. The woman is always right notion is like the customer is always right theory, in both cases neither usually is.

But to keep the peace, in both circumstance you say ok to save the headache. Being in a couple? Well in winter it’s great … you get frozen to death at night, when you get the blanket snatched away from you.

You then try to wrestle back your rightful half of what’s yours, but when you tug … you’re met with 20 tonnes of resistance! Do you tug to wake them up or shiver it out?

If that’s bad what about the summer? You’re already 100 degrees, but she decides right I am sleeping on you today … you’re now realising what global warming feels like right at that moment! Lord all mighty.

In this case you open the window, but nope .. she’s cold so the window? Well that stays closed of course. Now, your partner you love them through thick and thin, but then comes the issue of sharing food.

It’s charitable to share, but my chicken burger?? Man! *sobs * I love the burger in its fully beauty. She always seems to eat the sweat spot. Yeah, I get very Joey Tribiani about food.

Drinks? Well you usually get left with the bottom part of the glass, the scraping of the barrel stuff. No, no not the delicious part of the orange juice for example.

If that’s not enough, then you get the Jo-Jo (female equivalent of tomtom). No you’re right and not a GPS satellite that knows the routes via that info.

Last but not least, if you have your things set one way, most likely she will set them her way, clash of egos and personalities nightmare!

Ok, that’s enough couple bashing hahaha. I mean, I write this from the man’s perspective I am sure stuff like the toilet seat being left up must drive ladies crazy.

There are perks of being in a couple. The sharing of food, it makes your food taste that much better. The sharing of a bed, you sleep that much better next to that special person.

You know the boys will support you, but your woman will support you and help you grow. They’re the backbone of the relationship. The right woman, helps you clear your mind and get your *sh*t* in order.

We can moan about the woman all we want, but you get a good one in your life? There’s nothing better.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Dispelling some myths

Hello good evening and greeting my bearded soldiers. It’s me your bearded Captain leader of all beads and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard tries to make people laugh and I am that baby who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s. What I want to talk about this evening, is the issue of myths.

Brothers now I’m sure when you were kids you were told some real real fantasy tales let’s say .

I think you might know where I’m going with this. When you’re a kid where you told if you eat all your vegetables you will grow tall and strong?

Yeah that’s believable that’s why am 5 foot 10 and stone and a half overweight. Or if you go to sleep past 12 the witches will come to get you?

It looks like these witches don’t have GPS because they’ve not been able to find me as I am forever the night owl.

Or what about if you watch a bit of the Frankie Vaughan if you know what I mean this Stuns your growth too. Maybe that explains why I’m not six-foot then.

I was also told that sodium saccharin was worms juice and I believed it. Other characters like Father Christmas and the tooth fairy I believe straightaway they were mythical.

Maybe the other myths could be oh daddy is just going to get some milk. But some of these as I go through them and as I write them out now are a little bit embarrassing that I actually believed that these were true.

Have I missed any out my bearded beloved’s? As I was doing my research for this blog I was going to add carrots help you see in the dark being a myth.

As a matter of fact brothers it is technically true. This is science and not my bearded wisdom.

Finally my brothers man flu I thought to myself was a myth that needs to be dispelled but again it is actually true.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen here is my list of myths that I believed to be true.

Have I missed any? Let me know in the comments.

It’s over and out from the Bearded captain stay blessed stay in beard.

The Bearded Captain talks about aftershave

Hello good evening greetings my bearded soldiers it’s me your Bearded Captain.

Leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards and trendsetter of all beards on digital media.

My bearded beloved’s what I want to talk about this evening is an important issue.

We are talking about an item that’s just as dear and beloved to a bearded man (his beard comb). That brothers is his aftershave.

Now Brother beard of course there are many different types of aftershave.And there are many different smells of aftershave too.

Now my brothers this is a part of being a bearded men.

So brothers we wouldn’t use the liquid type of aftershave . Unless you obviously want to apply it across your beard.

Of course that’s an option but it seems like a bit of a waste if you to get aftershave purely for that reason the splash on as they call it.

Brothers so what you can do is get the spray aftershave or perfume and apply that on your bed with spray action.

Brothers it doesn’t particularly matter as to which aftershave you use.

But commonsense needs to prevail shortly what I mean is. Don’t use cheap aftershave.

You probably think I know it’s only £2 so it’s here it’s cheap. No brothers this is a false sense of economy.

If you wanted cheap aftershave or cheap fragrance then buy lynx. Brothers so as you know a beard is an attraction magnet from the boys and girls alike. I’m not necessarily saying you will be a babe magnet, but yeah I kind of am.

Your beard is the centre of attention. And then to compliment your face being the centre of attention you need an adequate masculine fragrance.

So I’m not saying it has to be a strong scent or it has to be a lighter scent.

It has to be an authoritative scent, which represents you a man. Authoritative means assured in this instant.

This is our equivalent to make up and foundation. A good fragrance just gives you that little lift, I assume you women can relate here.

So there you have it guys. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain. Stay blessed stay beard!