The Bearded Captain

What they don’t tell you in school

Hello and good morning, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Shining Bearded Knights, I hope you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, I want to talk to you about an important issue in the life of The Bearded Captain. My Beloved’s I want to talk about the things they didn’t tell you in school!

Razor blades being expensive, save time and the environment by not shaving! As good of a point this is, Drama, with the greatest respect isn’t the most necessary skill, but then one of my class mates wouldn’t be in Hollyoaks or Midsummer Murders (cameo) if this wasn’t there.

The skills, what they could have taught in school is money management, I am not talking business degree, what I mean is that when you have your pay check at the end of the month, you’re smart and savvy with your money.

Yours truly, could of done with such lessons. Thankfully Mummy Malik, reigned me in. At 16, you go into college and for most, the bank of mum and dad is what they rely on, there’s no skills of how to learn to stand on your own two feet.

Yes, there is food tech classes. In hindsight, although it was not a strong subject, I wish I didn’t ‘forget my apron’ as often as I did. My cookery teacher had a rule, if you forgot your apron, you can’t do it, so conveniently I forgot to pack my apron.

Cooking, was arguably made more glamorous celeb chefs like Gordon Ramsey or Marco Pierre White for example. Although it ties into money management, the concept of bills after bills is usually the only mail you get as an adult, or in my case parking fines! *cries*.

A child, is a bit more oblivious to this and not really taught this at all. Sex education is taught in schools. For some parents it’s a grey area, but actually this is something I agree with in principal. One under rated subject is foreign languages, whether it be French, German or any other language.

There is nothing more annoying when someone goes to a foreign country and makes no effort to learn the language, that’s the height of all ignorance. Another good thing, was a career officer (that’s what they were called in my day) would come into school.

I wish there was media studies for year 10&11. There might be in other schools, but at the time (might have changed now) there wasn’t one in my school. For handyman skills, like plumbing wouldn’t have gone a miss.

Just before you say, but there was woodwork, I know and that was a good thing, but this should have been broadened. Learning skills like being an electrician, good thing to have no? Teachers don’t get enough credit, they’re playing a role in shaping the children of today, ready for tomorrow.

The Captain salutes you for that, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good morning, Here I talk about the things you weren’t taught in school

The rules of dying your beard/hair

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brother Beards, I pray you’re well looking after yourselves and your Beards! I want to talk about an issue in the world of Beards, facial hair and hair. My Shining Bearded Knights it’s the issue in life, that some of us might go into denial about.

Not all, but some. Brothers, here’s to praying for you to have good health and life, with that in mind, there will be a day where your hair will fall out (sorry) and when your hair will go grey (sorry again).

Now with that in mind, there are some ground rules to dying ones hair. Brothers, when your hairs start to grow grey, don’t be naive when you see someone who is clearly an elder states person with jet black hair, blacker than black shoe polish, we know it’s just for men really!

Just please give over, we all (if we live long enough) will have greys. Black and grey hair or black and grey beard? There is nothing wrong with this. To look like George Clooney or well one of those Instagram Beard models, it’s the dream!

There’s something called respectability, and for me that ‘frill’ and the frill with long hair growing from the back is just like what the hell? O and comb overs!? Brothers this is a family blog, I have rules and have no intention to break them.

So to finish this particular message, when you grey, grey with grace, don’t cut the three strands in your Beard (mentioning no names). When you grey, yeah dye it ginger, ginger is cool – especially for Asian facial hair!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Good afternoon, as I am becoming an expert as I have experience 😩, here in this blog I talk about grey Beards 😭

The last one standing

Hello and good morning, here I talk about the last man standing;

Hello and good morning, here in this video I talk about the last man standing

It makes the world go round

Hello and good morning my Handsome faced brothers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Shining Bearded Knights, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue in the life of The Bearded Captain. Brothers, I ask you a question, doesn’t it make the world go round?

What does Captain? I hear you ask, is it money? Is it wonderful facial hair? Yes and yes, but brothers, what makes the world go round is the internet, think about it. The obvious reason is, well you won’t be able to read my inspiring blogs or watch my magnificent videos.

If you want to buy groceries and can’t be bothered going out? Online shopping and they will deliver this for you, this applies to other items too, which is of course where companies like Ali Baba, Amazon and Ebay came out of.

It’s amazing to think there was such a thing called dial-up, younger readers if you don’t know what that is, bless your heart, You young bucks might think at time you don’t have x, y or z but if you experienced dial-up and lived to tell the tale like the rest of us did I would be amazed.

Dial-up was like getting blood out of stone, but soooo much worse! When the connection would think about connecting, then someone had the audacity to call and then the whole thing started again which meant another few hours down the drain!

Fancy a Netflix and chill? Well you have the internet to thank for the Netflix part lol. The Coronavirus, remember that? It’s hard to forget as it’s still on going of course, but during that period of us getting kept in doors, it was the internet that allowed a lot of us to work from home (keep a wage) and also the before mentioned online shopping.

Online banking again is another example of the internet influencing the world, bank transfer done over internet. One minute you could be rich, when you get money transferred to you and the next poor, when you have to pay someone back! *tears roll down face*.

Well brothers, I think I have made a compelling argument, do you agree or disagree? Well do your thing please. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good morning, here I The Bearded Captain, talk about what makes the world go round, and it’s not necessarily money

When you realise you’re not young anymore

Hello and good morning my wonderful Beards, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My beloved’s I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue in the life of The Bearded Captain. Brothers, it’s the issue of when you realise you’re not young anymore.

There are several signs, and here I want to go through them with you. One of the most obvious signs is when you start to get grey hairs and grey Beard. This could be flawed, I admit that because I have seen some very young children have greys in their hair.

But usually when you see this, on the whole, it’s not looking great brother, those days of youth are slipping away. Another example when you’re approached by a young child and they call you ‘uncle’.

Puzzled, as you’re adamant you’re a spring chicken, you then realise in your horror, that there’s a 20-year age gap, so if you’re not their uncle, what are you? To make yourselves feel better, you can be their cool uncle.

If that isn’t a great sign, then surely it has to be when you’re running after your niece, nephew, son or daughter. If you run out of breath chasing them, know that you’re getting closer to the bus pass o and the issue of having children? Well before you know in a blink of an eye you will be grandparents!

The last example for me of when you realise you’re not getting younger is when you realise that your niece and nephews are watching cartoons and playing toys like you once did, but also they’re markedly different to the cartoons you watched and toys you played with.

So brothers, that’s my list of signs of when you realise you’re not getting younger, have any missed any out? Do you think guys! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good morning, here you can see my smiling, but I am getting old! 😭😩

The day we will never forget

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded leader, The Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Brethren’s, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, we need to talk. It’s about what happened on 4th October 2021. Now on the face of it, this is a normal day at the office, but this day would be like no other.

Facebook, which is seen as the biggest social network site on the planet, crashed! O the cheek of it. To rub further salt in the wounds, it didn’t just stop there. WhatsApp and Instagram which is Facebook owned crashed too!

So for six straight hours, phones were turned on and off, the apps were installed and removed. Is this the end of time they all wondered? DFS haven’t advertised any sales and now no Facebook, Insta or Whattsapp?

Maybe UFO’s and the Illuminati is real! How can Facebook, what many people treat as life, just go down! Mr Zuckerberg, some say it’s Karma for the funny meme accounts you ban for 30 days. When ‘social media’, went down people actually had to be social!

Unbelievable right? The cheek of it, they actually had to speak to family members in person and not spend hours on end speaking to that ‘stunning brunette’, that’s Bob from Lincoln who has a beer belly and three teeth in all reality.

Families were sitting together and people were not on their phones. It was like the 1960’s. Covid, Bubonic Plague were bad but some would have you believe the outage of FB 2021 was worse, but those heroes survived it.

For those who love to show off their rented super cars or that their on holiday, had to just actually enjoy the holiday with out telling every man and his dog. This next example due to the social media outage 2021, really took the cake.

People went to restaurants without posting their food to show people who couldn’t care less. People just ate their food, quietly. In normal times, people would send a cheeky voice note on WhatsApp, but now (if they had iPhone) it was Imessage.

It was getting quite tense, people were sending text messages to each other, thought it was going to be carrier Pidgeon and Morse code next. Thankfully (for some of you) this didn’t happen. Social media came back, our lives over reliant on the not real restored to full flow.

Let’s see if this taught us anything, but I will not be holding my breath

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good evening my brothers here, I talk about the day we won’t forget

Food that tastes good hot and cold

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Kings, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, we need to talk about an important issue in the life of Beards, the issue of when food tastes good hot and cold.

To put this out there, immediately … my Scottish friends, nope I am not talking about fried Mars bars. I have not tasted this, but it sounds extremely disgusting! It’s like coke and milk 2.0. As this is my opinion, another candidate that doesn’t make the list is bread.

Warm bread (toast) and well cold bread is cold bread, but it doesn’t tickle my fancy. In this sense I am weird I admit this, when it comes to a salad sandwich I have it on a baguette Subway style or on toast.

To clarify what makes it on my list … is pizza. Of course when it’s hot and the cheese string stretches as you break it off from your pizza it’s divine and the warm pizza slice and the heavenly taste that drops in your mouth can’t be put into words, but cold pizza don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.

Another example is a bit more obvious and for me that’s pasta. No, nothing vicar related or to do with the church , nope the Italian dish that is. Lovely when hot, alongside pasta sauce or other variants, but lovely as a pasta salad too.

The next example maybe cheating a tad but vegetables like mushrooms and onions taste good not cooked (cold) and when cooked (hot). The cooked version of both is better, but it’s not terrible when not cooked.

My final example is of doughnuts, to be more precise Krispy Kreme doughnut. It tastes good cold, as well it’s sweet and it’s chocolate, but when hot (not too hot) the chocolate becomes nice and gooey.

Boys and Beards, ladies and Gentle Beards here is my list. So what do you think? Let me know in the comments, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello my Beautiful my Beards, here I talk about food that tastes good hot and cold.

The Captain talks Salt Bae

Hello and good evening my Beautiful Bearded Brothers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcast media.

I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh snd I am that Beard who tries to make people smile .

Bearded Stallions, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Beloved’s we need to talk.

I am sure you have seen the abundance of TikTok videos and Instagram ones too. My Soldiers, I am referring to SaltBae of course, yes that fella who does a Karate Kid impression when sprinkling salt on food.

Well, that same fella has become kind of a big deal. From a meme, to a celebrity in his own right, so when Nusret decided to open his own restaurant in London, the attention was caught of many. Nusret Gokce is a name that could pass of as any other name, but when one hears the name Saltbae, you think of cranekick like Danielsan, but on food.

The 38-year old since opening his restaurant, has caused a bit of a stir with some of the pricing. Red Bull £11! This energy drink obviously gives you more than wings, it must give you aeroplane wings at that price! We don’t advocate mortgages here, noooo.

The head of the banks are all clean shaven, we are not in the business to give the clean shaven power! But brothers some of those prices makes me think, you will have to get one! I can imagine to look at the menu in there would cost you £9.99!

Nando’s was expensive I said, The Captain still says! Thing is though brothers since this new restaurant is open, I can now confidently say that Nandos? Well that’s like McDonald 99p McSaver menu.

There was me thinking Nawaabs was the Crem De La Crem of eating (yeah maybe I have cheaper taste). One thing which really got me was a Tik Tok of Nusret feeding someone … thank you Mr Salt Bae, but he’s a grown man he doesn’t need feeding.

My mum taught how to eat with a spoon and not with a knife. I suppose I could swing my hips while chopping onions and try my luck too? Yeah maybe not 😂.

Brothers, we love the hustle and those who hustle, but there’s a line (the £11 Red Bull line). He’s sprinkling salt on his elbow, how about you don’t sprinkle the salt, I can do it myself thanks, maybe it will cost less … too much salt isn’t good for you anyway Nusret.

My Brothers, if you’re that keen to waste your money on food? Go Nandos …. Yes, I will say it Nando’s is overpriced and overrated. So there you have it, a night out at Nusr-Et London could very well cost you a kidney if not both.

My beloved’s, I can feed myself, I don’t need Red Bull, drink water and not energy drinks. A gold wrapped burger? Or whatever it is, yes I am going to say it, nothing beats Miami’s in Manchester for burgers, chicken burgers.

It won’t be long till there will be a ‘Pepper Bae’ I said what I said. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

SaltBae (middle) alongside two fans who mimic his iconic cobra pose.

The grey beard

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Heroes I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, we need to talk about a topic that needs to be mentioned, the issue of the Grey Beard. Now Hollywood, will let you think George Clooney made Grey Beards cool, nope he’s a two day stubbler. let’s clear that up!

Brothers, I pray you all have a long life, long enough for your hair to go grey, it’s the cycle of life (unless you’re the 70 year old Pakistani uncles who have jet black hair of youth, but have the wrinkled face that says otherwise).

My Soldiers, Grey Beards will happen to you in old age, you can dye it black, purple or ginger (an awesome beard colour), but the issue will remain the same, there’s no getting away from it. If you were like me when you got the odd strand and decided to cut it, this is a bad move.

Why, I hear you ask? Well let me give you the example of me, in my instance I tried to be clever and cut the grey strands off, all two of them … and guess what those two strands turned into four! On top of that, I now have grey strand side burns!

My Shining Bearded Knights, just remember that Pierce Brosnan and the late Sean Connery both embraced Grey Beards. Why do I say this? Brothers, you’re an equal to two acting greats. My Beloved’s your superstars in your own right. My Beards, you should have your own stars on the Hollywood walk of fame.

Brothers, Hollywood is Bearded Biased, so don’t let them get you down! They made Russell Crowe shave his Beard off! They showed him to have been a victorious Bearded Gladiator in the film Gladiator by slaying man after man (who happened to be clean shaven) , with his zero man army, but he lost what should have been an easier battle, not to shave his Beard!

My Bearded Soldiers, I will leave you with this, remember a Beard is for life and not just for winter, a Beard is for life and not when you’re ‘too old’ to shave. Brothers, shaving with older frail hands, that would have been a no for me, if he didn’t have a Beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

A sad day for all Beards

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Chiefs, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers, I want to talk about an important issue for all Beards. My Beloved’s I want to talk about today, 27th September 2021, which is a sad day for Beards.

Now in the life of Beard, there’s never really a sad day. Now the Bearded Godfather Fidel Castro and his passing was a sad day (as he had a distinctive Beard) and now today is another bit of a sad news for The Bearded Community.

Now, on this blog we have moved away from the sports side, but today Moeen Ali a very prominent figure in the England cricketing world and The Bearded World, announce will be retiring from test cricket.

Ali, who captained England for a few games and for his County Worcestershire, did also captain Birmingham Phoenix in the inaugural Hundred competition too. A great bowler, batsmen, person and a Bearded man too, there will be many Bearded tears shed when this Bearded Hero full retires from cricket.

Moeen, you made Beards cool, like The Captain is working on doing too. Bearded Brother, you will also be remembered for the fact that you got fans wearing fake beards. It’s a start, those guys should not need to wear fake beards but actually grown , but hey at least Moeen bhai, you made the concept of Beard look cool, the fact that some men wanted it on their face, when they might not have initially .

The Bearded Captain salutes you sir! Adil Rashid, you’re a great bowler and performer whose Bearded Presence is also appreciated.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.