Author: ayyazmalik

Hi guys thanks for having a look at my blog :) . Just to state the obvious my name is Ayyaz Malik. I love writing articles, it's been a passion since I have been a 'wee nipper'. To share a little bit about myself I am training to be a cricket umpire (yay!) and I work for the Asian Sunday :) which is a up and coming paper in Bradford. ayyazmalik.com is my way of sharing with you my view on sports world and world in general.

So when do you know you have a big beard? (Satire)

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, as always I say I hope you’re well and looking after your beards.

My brothers, I am sure you remember when I was going through the painful ordeal of being reduced to the life of a short bearded man. If you don’t then it’s that you don’t actually read my blog (have shame bearded one … just joking – but read my blog).

Bearded Soldiers, you will remember the painful ordeal I talked about and the misery that I felt, the moment it sunk that I cut it too short. There was a lot to sink in that day, including my beard hair! *whaling* (even though I told a cracking pun if I say so myself).

Thankfully, my Bearded Companions, the Bearded ease has come after the Bearded hardship, my beard is longer again! How do I define a long beard I hear you ask? Don’t worry young Bearded one, your Captain is here.

To define a long beard is simple and if these few examples apply to you then congratulations my Bearded brethren, you’re a long beard! Now, only the select few and the pinnacle of beards grow the Merlin beard (a long beard, very long but immaculate in its maintenance).

So the first sign of when your beard has gone long is when you see it puff out on the sides. With a short beard, you wouldn’t have that problem. Let me guess? You too have also tried to “comb” your beard with your hand or aggressively pat down your facial pride and joy.

If this isn’t one sign, there is of course food now getting stuck in there (what I call the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard). If you grow it long enough, you could probably keep your secret diary in there.

Another sign is when you feel your beard getting blown from side to side to side the wind, with a short beard your face just gets cold. Brothers, be sure to keep your comb with you and when your beard does get blown around, it’s not the end of the world.

Honourable mentions need to be mentioned for when you wash your face with a long beard and splash the water on your beard, the water stays there, with a short beard the water doesn’t stay it gets absorbed by the skin quicker.

Also, with a long beard, the beard hairs can sometimes come into your mouth without prior warning. Now, I know your beard smells nice, but it’s not edible so it won’t taste nice.

The last obvious sign for me though, however, is when you’re zipping up a coat and a jacket, you run the risk of your beard hair getting stuck in the zip as you do it. Does this happen with a short beard? No!
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

 

The Beardnet

Hello and good evening my bearded soldiers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. Greetings, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue this evening, that’s the issue of the Beardnet.

Nope, it’s not a Bearded alternative to a certain broadband provider who have a clean-shaven Jessie fronting their ad campaign (I know crazy and absurd). Brothers this evening’s topic is about the nets that workers in food shops put in their hair.

Here though, I will be mentioning when our Bearded brothers have to put their beards in captivity. The official line is, it’s hygiene and on one hand, they do have a point. When you’re eating your food and you see a stray hair in the food, it’s disgusting, right?

The last thing we want is someone experience that due to beard hair going astray, and they do go astray. When we say go astray, we’re not saying the beard is being rebellious but it kinds of exercising it’s right I guess, of leaving the face when it fees necessary.

There have been times, where hair mysteriously comes in my cereal. It’s not my head hair, I am bald! It can only be my beard hair. The feeling of putting a Beardnet on your beard would no doubt be uncomfortable, but better it’s than better than Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Hair Flakes.

When playing snooker and you run the cue through your chin, but your chin is a beard, it can get uncomfortable, but also distressing. I say that because, right under your very nose your beard is getting messy, but you feel powerless.

Ok, so to raise the issue of another uncomfortable moment for your beard, I will be mentioning the moment when you put on a Coronavirus mask. The mask, as seen in the cover image (of me), is a mask that looks not too dissimilar to a mask of a surgeon.

At times, when combing your beard or trimming your tash, you need the precision of a surgeon. With those masks, it’s like your essentially practising putting your head down at the swimming pool’s deep end, the level you have to go to, to control your breathing .

On top of that, you have to deal with the fact that one, the mask puts a weird line in your beard and two it takes ages to come out! Coronavirus, it’s hoped is easing. Brothers, I know wearing masks may be uncomfortable but console yourself with this fact, clean-shaven look like what we do in our masks now.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The Just Trimmed Feeling

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Hello and greetings brothers, here I am this evening talking about the fresh beard trim

 

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I hope you’re looking after yourselves and looking after your most prized possession your beard.

Now, brothers, you have seen that I am a bald-headed bearded man, so I won’t know the fresh trim in terms of hair cut feeling these days, but I sure do know the fresh beard trim feeling. When I could say many moons ago when I did cut my hair, the fresh hair trim feeling gave you a herculean feeling.

To make this relatable to a clean-shaven, I will say you will feel like a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney, when you have just trimmed your hair.

The confidence you get and the way you strut with a purpose, you wouldn’t do that when your back and sides fade has worn off for example.

With a beard, the feeling is the same, well kind of. When you grow a beard, the aim is to make yourself feel good all the time. Well, helping preserve the natural way on your face (letting your beard grow) you’re allowing nature to take its course.

Nature is beautiful in terms of scenery, isn’t it? Whether it be Yorkshire or Dorset for example, scenic beauty is lovely to look at, the same could be said with your beard.

As mentioned in previous posts, a bearded barber is entrusted with the utmost trust, the pledge of looking after and helping one’s beard look a bit sharper after they have been to the beard salon.

In a beard salon, your face won’t go in one of those machines, and you won’t be gossiping about what’s in OK magazine, but rather you will be in the care of a master craftsman.

Wax for the cheeks, cut-throat razor for the cheeks and to tidy up near Adam’s apple.
Not forgetting to mention the scissors, that would be required fo help tame the stray hairs from the side of the face (a consequence of untrimmed beard hair). When your beard is freshly trimmed, you dread walking on a windy day.

After the Bearded Barber, masterfully trimmed and helped shape your beard, the last thing you want is for the blustery conditions to ruin the barber’s hard work.

I am not sure if this just me, but I am reluctant to wear t-shirts, after I have to put my head through the hole, running the risk of messing up your beard in the process.

I wear shirts, when I go to the Bearded Barber, such is the concern that I have with this issue, is this just me?

In the case of when you get a haircut, one goes back to mediocrity. Hairs longer, not as well-trimmed and zap goes that fresh haircut swagger.

That probably explains why the barbers on the curry mile are always busy

When you outgrow your beard trim, a beard doesn’t lose that swagger, because he combs and maintains his beard.

A beard does lose some, but crucially not all. Brothers, the need to look after the beard always gets emphasised when it comes to the new beard. Stay blessed, stay beard – it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The jaw line “beard”

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My brothers, a beard isn’t just about catchy phrases and slogans.

Brothers, the beard is the uniform to symbolise how awesome and rock& roll we are. We have touched upon it, but in this blog, we will look to go into a bit more detail. My soldiers, I want to talk about the jawline “beard”.

As talked about in our last address, (the last blog) we mentioned that a man with a moustache is still clean-shaven. Just because he has lip fluff, don’t get illusioned. Yes, it’s facial hair but it’s not below the chin, that’s what we’re after here.

In case some think, that’s me giving the approval of the goatee … you’re mistaken. A beard is hair that’s kept under the chin and on the side of your cheeks. Some then might look to find loopholes after reading this, those men my brothers are one’s who have jawlines.

What is a jawline? It’s as literal as it sounds – it’s a line (in this case line of facial hair) across the jawbone. Sounds ok right? Of course, it isn’t .. these men seem to be the kind who clock off work at one minute before shift time and not after.

These men, probably know the complex ways to avoid the legal tax system such is their way of trying to find loopholes. A beard doesn’t require shaving, with a jawline you have to shave even some might say this is a beard.

The one’s who have jawlines and the ones who shave their face to shape their jawlines are essentially like carpenters to their own face or even sculptors. I say this because a sculptor, with precision, makes a shape for his statue and a carpenter – crafts design in wood.

As skilled as both are in their fields, don’t use such skills to your face bearded one. A beard is different and proud. A man with a jawline is like a crossbreed which is similar to that of the case of the two-day stubble, which we have mentioned on previous blogs.
A razor is to be used on your head, and your err herm.

Why in your right mind would you want your face to look like an 800m running track? Facial hair on a man’s face should feel welcomed, rather than a guest who’s not even going to stay for dinner.

A beard isn’t a fashion statement, although your face does look fashionable and $1 million when grown properly. Brothers, some may dismiss it as inconvenience but you really need to have a comb by your side at all times.

They say a cake needs a cherry on top . Your beard brothers is your cherry on top of your face. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Dispelling a myth

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers, good evening it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards.

I pray you’re well and looking after your beards, as well as maintaining them.

My brothers, we have seen, as well as discussed several scenarios and dealt with them along the way.

The Covid-19 issue is ongoing, but as your leader, I have addressed this issue and offered solutions.

The winter beard and summer beard is the further examples of challenges we beards face .

Now, brothers, we know that the clean-shaven “man” is a sworn enemy to the beard. They will try to use many tricks to deceive you.

What about when it gets really hot, like scorching hot (like it’s been for the past three/four days) they will say.

Beards, the beard hasn’t gone and melted in this way weather so why should you get rid of it? Heat doesn’t kill your beard it only enhances it!

In the heat, your beard is like your face sweatband, the same way the head sweatband does its thing.

When there’s sunshine, a clean-shaven face is likely to feel irritation and may even attract a rash.

With a bearded face, this pretty much covers this concern and allays those fears. The clean-shaven, love to use many diversion tactics and excuses.

One of their excuses has been, Captain “you never say anything to the ones who have a moustache only”.

Very well clean-shaven Jessie, in this blog post you will get your wish. Now, the one’s who have a moustache and shave their face .. are still cleanly shaven.

Now, just because they don’t get mentioned by name, don’t think they’re out of the firing line.

They’re the crossbreeds. They try to show that they’re not like clean-shaven because they have facial hair.

No, that’s lip fluff .. a bit of hair you have kept under your lip for god knows what reason.

Nope, you’re not Poirot, Yosemite Sam or Astrix, and even they shouldn’t keep moustaches.

Some keep the moustache and resemble a Mexican drug lord and some look suited to the adult film industry.

When you drink your cup of tea or have a glass of water, it’s like your moustache is too. Now, some smartasses might say but food gets stuck in the beard so what’s your point?

Well with this scenario, you can comb the crumbs out and wash your beard, but you can’t do that with a tash.

Taking of eating, even when you’re eating your food, your lip fluff goes in your mouth too, so it’s like you’re eating your moustache… yuk!

Now, brothers, some try to make their moustaches “fashionable”.

This blog will most certainly upset the Asian uncle and the odd auntie too hehe (you know what I mean) but as Bearded Leader, I preach what needs to be preached.

The clean-shaven will try to brainwash you with the Hugo Boss adverts and the Hugo Boss kind of man (models who are clean-shaven), but don’t be duped we know their game.

Their moustached counterparts looked to have learnt some of their tricks too. In poetic style Asian uncles say in Urdu maybe as an emotional guilt trip tactic.

According to them if you don’t have a moustache you don’t have anything, which is nonsense.

Brothers, a moustache can be grown, but you need your beard too.

The godfather and pinnacle of all beards said: “Grow your beards and trim your moustaches”.

I leave you with that thought. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Dear Jurgen, a letter from The Sports Buff

Dear Jurgen,

Hi, you don’t know me but we need to talk. My name is Ayyaz Malik, Aka The Sports Buff. I am a sports writer and talk about sport too (for those who are kind enough to listen). As a Man United fan, it’s hard to say this, but congratulations on becoming Premier League champions.

Four and a half years ago, many of us United fans were no doubt jealous you chose Anfield over Old Trafford.

Purely from a sporting point of view, the move seems to be justified.

A Club World Cup, Super Cup, Champions League and now Premier League trophy shows you’re a great manager.

You might look like you should have been in the Bee Gees, but football fans make no mistake about it you have achieved greatness.

One of the best teams in the Premier League era, Manchester City were conquered this year with ease.

This is the English Premier League, you will say but the records your Liverpool team have broken speaks volumes in itself.

This isn’t me just being a bitter Manchester United fan here, but I express caution. Look at my team Manchester United.

Their manager from 1986-2013 was Sir Alex Ferguson, arguably one of the greatest, if not greatest club managers in the British game.

Sir Alex was a master of building teams for four, maybe five seasons and then making subtle delicate changes to it.

Jurgen please look at the example of Fergie. If you think this is blatant appraisal of the former United manager, that’s not the case.

Ferguson was the master of being steps ahead of his rivals when his United teams would be crowned champions.

Sir Alex Ferguson, would always be on the prowl for talent that could help better his team for many seasons to come and not just for the short term.

That changed in what would be now known as the last season of his reign.

Where players for the now and future were bought, Robin Van Persie a 29-year old from Arsenal who was in the peak of his years was signed in Sir Alex’s last season, which proved to be a title-winning one.

It was a testament to Ferguson, that he was able to win the League with a squad that was really past its sell-by date in his final year before retiring.

To prove the point I am trying to make, the following season The Red Devils needed two managers to finish the season, and they finished in seventh!

That was seven years ago, and it’s only now that Manchester United are looking in a respectable position of rebuilding.

It took Liverpool 30 years and over £1 billion spent in players transfers, you have done the hard work, as a football fan be smart and invest in playing talent.

Your Liverpool team isn’t getting younger. Jurgen, please don’t make the mistakes that Manchester United did.

If you do, it will be a long wait for title number 20, I don’t think Liverpool fans will have the same patience as they did this time.

Yours sincerely

The sports buff

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

No More years of hurt for Liverpool, praise the Lord!

Being a football fan of England and certain English clubs can be painful. Three Lions on a shirt song, being an Arsenal fan (not talking about myself here) – I think you can see where I am going with this.

With England, we the fans and mainly the “experts”, would bring England up and then knock them down. In recent years, thankfully the powers that be at the top of the game, have been more humble and started from scratch.

A centre of excellence was built and talent was brought through this centre of excellence in Burton. As a result of this, England’s under 17’s and 19’s tasted success on the global stage.

It seemed that process was that stringent of finding young talent, that scouts would be watching kids in the parks almost, when kids go for a kick around.

Watching kids playing in the park is usually a sign for the alarm bells to ring, but if this did happen, thankfully there would be some players who would become young stars for their country.

As a result of that England, in turn, got to the semi-finals of a world cup for the first time since 1990.

They even won a penalty shoot-out in the last world cup, waa hay! O how I cried in France 98 when David Batty missed his spot-kick on that fateful night in St Etienne against Argentina  , thus giving more penalty shootout heartache.

Arsenal, sadly for their fans are still making their team suffer mentally and emotionally. You know Gunners fans, you can stop at this stop and support another team, just think about your mental health, please!

After 16 seasons regularly featuring in the top four and having a monopoly on the FA Cup for a five year period towards the end of Arsene Wenger’s reign, it’s got even worse for Arsenal.

A top-half finish looks an achievement at this rate, thought the George Graham days and Bruce Rioch era was a thing of the past? Obviously not.

Another club that likes to make their fans suffer has been Liverpool. Now, this might be harsh on the face of it, considering that Liverpool have won the Champions League twice in the last 15 seasons along with the Europa League, FA Cup and League Cup.

Everyone knows what the Merseyside club wanted though, and that’s the Premier League trophy. There’s been many near misses.

A “fact rant” by Rafa Benitez who no longer manages in England (fact).

There was a time where Liverpool games replaced bedtime stories. I am convinced this must be true they were that boring.

The Reds in that era under Gerrard Houllier, would without fail, make my brother sleepy whenever he saw them on the TV.

They were dark times, but then Liverpool changed tact and hired an Irish coach who’s team’s played football so joyful to watch on the eye.

Brendan Rodgers was his name, his teams to play attractive football was his game.

With Steven Gerrard as commander and chief on the pitch, along with forwards Louis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge, the then 18-time champions of England Liverpool came within a whisker of winning the title.

You could say, they missed out by the skin of their teeth, sorry Louis that might not have been funny … please don’t bite me! The title seemed in Liverpool’s grasp, but then they would slip up .. watch your self Steve (caution wet floor!)

Mockery was a plenty of that slip, Uruguayan Suarez’s eating habits and Daniel Sturridge’s injury record. A true story, I did see Daniel whilst I was walking – I saw him walking his got.

I must say I have never been so nervous seeing someone walk a dog, as I was convinced he would get injured, such was his injury record at one stage.

Putting the mockery to one side, Liverpool replaced Rodgers with German coach Jurgen Klopp. Former Dortmund manager Klopp had won the Bundesliga twice with Ballspielverein.

Liverpool were hoping the former Mainz manager could help bring what was becoming the increasingly elusive first Premier League trophy.

Careful planning ensued and a loss to Sevilla in the Europa League final and Real Madrid in the Champions League final, were painful but only demonstrated the progress the German manager Klopp was making with The Reds.

Further heartbreak would further occur, this time domestically in the Premier League. Jurgen’s Liverpool last year would painfully lose the Premier League by one point. This was made all the more painful, considering The Anfield side had only lost one game and accumulated 91 points!

This season, Liverpool seemed in no mood to mess around. The 3-1 win against Manchester City, was a signal of their intent. The Citizens who fought back last year to win the title from Liverpool’s grasp, by their high standards were poor this year.

Defeats to Manchester United (twice), Norwich and Wolves twice only emphasizes my point. Liverpool it is then who are Premier League champions after 30 years. Congrats to Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool for their title win

Woolworths, Blockbuster, BHS and petrol for under £1 were the things of those days. A lot has changed since then, (as none of those now remain).

Football can breathe a sigh of relief, we don’t have to hear “this is our year”. Thankfully one of those years has been their year. Now here’s to hoping England win the world cup, so we don’t have to keep hearing “we won it 66”.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

So your beard is growing longer? Let’s talk

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards. Good morning to you all (it was at the time of typing anyway).

My bearded beloved’s I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and maintaining your beeeeeards! *cries uncontrollably*.

As I am sure you remember ( I can’t forget as I am still traumatised) that I had a beard trimming mishap where my luscious bearded locks perished … and I was left with a short beard! *stops the tears rolling down his cheeks*.

That was two weeks ago, but the pain is still fresh. In this case, time isn’t a good healer, but it will heal my face and put it back to its rightful facial settings of being a long-bearded man.

I am not saying there’s anything wrong with being a short beard, but when you go long anything else seems wrong. My beard comb is trying to claim redundancy from me, I am convinced of it.

What was a proud shiny wooden comb, appears to be collecting dust. I know I preach, thou shall not forget his beard the same way he/she won’t forget their phone, but I don’t fancy combing my skin essentially, that’s just weird.

It’s been tough seeing my brothers with long beards and me with a short one. I will never be jealous, that’s not fitting of a beard to be jealous but what I do feel is regret that I could have had such a cavalier approach when it came to maintaining my pride and joy.

There is some good news in what has been a sad tale for all beards so far …. my beard is growing back! What was once a beard that didn’t leave my face, I am delighted to report the beard hairs have grown out and all be it a little bit, my beard hairs are growing off my face.

The side of the beard is puffed out and now needs combing, moisturizing and oiling down – I have not needed to do that in many weeks. Some think it’s a bad thing, but the beard itches have returned too!

Most of you would have watched Superman and saw when he started to realise he had powers and could see through walls, beard growth on my face makes me feel like that. Or when Peter Parker (Spiderman) realised he could climb walls and release a web from his palm.

To emphasise the point, remember when Wolverine from X-Men realized he had claws? Yeah, this what it feels like when your beard grows out. A longer beard has it’s challenges of course it does, but look at those superheroes and how they find their superpowers.

Brothers if you grow your beard properly, with love care, affection but most importantly using TLB (tender love of beard) then you will unlock your superpower to the world.

Bearded brethren, you’re handsome because the one who gave you the beard gave you your looks, but he made you even more handsome because he made you look like a man.

One last thing, if you want to trim your beard … really take care and don’t do what I did!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Timo Werner; an Asian Love Story

Chelsea have signed Germany forward Timo Werner from RB Leipzig in a deal that could total £102.5 million over five years. The Blues, managed to beat Premier League leaders Liverpool to the former Stuttgart strikers signature.

The whole process of the German players signing has an element of an Asian wedding to it, I will explain.

So for the Asian readers amongst you, you’re all too aware of the process of an Asian marriage and the whole process of getting married.

In non-Asian tradition stereo typically, it’s boy sees girl, they date for a certain amount of time he ponders when and where to propose and when she says yes, they all live happily after, the end.

Now with an Asian marriage, it’s parents meet parents they talk and try and thrash out a deal like they’re in a G20 summit and after intense detailed and at times top secret talks, “a deal” ( of marriage) is agreed.

In those talks and negotiations, gifts between the two families and the price of the wedding and the cost of the hall is discussed.

There have been instances after initially looking set for marriage, the discussions end due to disagreements about the costs of the wedding and the gifts that certain family members get during the wedding.

I liken the Timo Werner transfer to Chelsea , to that of an Asian marriage.

Before Chelsea came in for the German, Liverpool were said to strongly be looking to sign Werner. In terms of the Asian scenario of this story, Liverpool are the groom (ready to agree the money side to get their bride for marriage).

Timo Werner and RB Leipzig are the bride and the bride’s family. The 24-year old Werner after looking to get married into the Liverpool household, saw the marriage break off due to money.

Liverpool’s family (the management/hierarchy) didn’t want to pay too much of a dowry and in all honesty wanted to treat Werner as only the fourth best daughter in-law behind Mo Salah, Roberto Firmino and Sadio Mane.

The “groom’s family” (Liverpool hierarchy) didn’t fancy paying the excessive wedding costs (£102.5 million in total after five years).

Heart broken both Timo and RB Leipzig wanted their special wedding and felt the right suitor will pay whatever the cost to give them that special day.

But most importantly Timo wanted be made to feel like the number one “daughter in-law”.

With Timo Werner looking an attractive proposition, a new suitor came into the picture and they were Chelsea.

Chelsea too had their heart broken after Dries Mertens refused to leave long term partner Napoli. Both Werner and West Londoners Chelsea were looking for the dream match.

When Chelsea’s father Roman Abramovich came in with a “dowry” that both bride and bride’s family couldn’t say no to, thus became the start of a marriage between Timo Werner and Chelsea .

After The Blues’ recent record of signing strikers, they will hope that German Werner succeeds where Sturridge, Torres and Morata failed.

In Asian weddings especially if the marriage doesn’t work, the divorce always gets a bit messy and no one wants a messy divorce do they?