Author: ayyazmalik

Hi guys thanks for having a look at my blog :) . Just to state the obvious my name is Ayyaz Malik. I love writing articles, it's been a passion since I have been a 'wee nipper'. To share a little bit about myself I am training to be a cricket umpire (yay!) and I work for the Asian Sunday :) which is a up and coming paper in Bradford. ayyazmalik.com is my way of sharing with you my view on sports world and world in general.

The Bearded Captain; “Away from the chin beard needs care too”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded soldiers, as always I love how you have shown love to me. My beards, we need to talk about an important issue, it’s an issue which we all go through.

I am talking about the dreaded beard itch. In fact, I would even argue this is in the top three of the importance of a subject. The subject in question is the flakiness of the beard (back of the chin) and the beard itch. These are two issues, rolled into one.

There is a reason I have put this into one big topic, simply because there is a link. The beard itch nine times out of 10 is usually not from the same area. What is relevant to take into account is that to counteract the beard itch, The Captain says make sure you use beard oils or even beard balm.

Sadly, this won’t stop the beard itch 100%, but my beards please factor this into consideration, a beard itch is a crucial part of beard life. If you can deal with the struggles of beard itch, then this will also help you adapt to any struggles of beard life as you have learnt the key component .. patience.

How this is linked (beard flakiness at the back of the chin and general beard itch), is that in both instances beard oils or beard balm will help. Again, it’s not 100% guaranteed, but it does help.

What this issue has done is this my beards, it’s made aware of issues I underestimated the importance of. I hope I have been of help to you this evening my beards … It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Kellogs Crunchy Beard?

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of your beards and be careful of the Kellogs Crunchy Beard

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. As you know, I go by the name of The Bearded Captain. My aim, my goal and my mission is to make you lovely souls laugh and smile, but educate and inform you of the perks of beard life as I do it.

That my bearded soldiers, won’t change, even until the day I die, Ameen. my bearded brothers/ my bearded soldiers, please note I am a loving captain. I can say, I won’t need to go on undercover beards either to see how good I am as a bearded leader.

I know, I tell debatably funny jokes and am very obsessed and driven when it comes to the beard, the facial hair; the man fur. With this in mind, and trying to be mindful that I don’t go too off-topic, my beards I want to talk about the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard.

What is this? I hear you ask .. don’t worry my beloved’s The Captain is here, he will tell you all about it. The Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard is quite simply when you’re having your favourite cereal (apparently it’s ludicrously tasty and all), sometimes, if not all the time cereal gets stuck in your beard.

This issue doesn’t just stop there … toast, kebab, crisps and other bits of food gets stuck to theirs too. So what to do, how to resolve this issue? Well my beards, there’s no easy answer.

I will say this though my beards, it’s a real issue, and the solution isn’t to have a beard. Yeah, I know those clean-shaven “funny men”, will tell you any gibberish to try and make you give your face trophy the heave-ho.

No, no! Not going to happen at all !!!. Now in food prep areas, bearded men where bearded nets the way women wear hairnets. This could be one option, but not ideal. There is another option, for you to put a bib over your face.

Again an option, but not the most ideal. It’s better than the first option of course, but yeah it’s something to consider. Your captain, of course, goes through this issue, and as much as it pains me, I don’t have a magical solution for this problem, I know it’s a serious issue too.

What I suggest is a mixture to be done here. This means, look to put a face bib over your face if the surroundings are right. A beard is a prized possession and people treat their clothes as a prized possession. Do you see my point?

I would also say, beards keep your beard comb close. By keeping your beard comb close, this could help clear up your beard from food crumbs, or any other bits of food. I hope this goes some way to solving an age-old issue.
It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain with a revamped look, but still Captain of the cool beards

Ayyaz Lister Park

Still captain of The Cool Beards, even with a changed look

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. My beards, I sincerely apologise to you my bearded soldiers, my bearded beloved’s. I pray you’re all well and in the process of growing beards and maintaining the way, that is fitting for a bearded man.

My soldiers, it’s clear and apparent I have for you (the ones who grow their beards nicely and look after their beards). It is an issue I have spoke about time and time again, so for the day one fans, sorry but I am going to talk about this issue, the issue of growing and shaving your beard as you please.

My beards, the beard isn’t a fashion accessory. Yes, my beards you look desirable by growing a beard, but please note, this is by no means a symbol for you use, lose it and abuse it as you please.

Just wish the fella at work would see the light, but patience, perseverance etc etc. As annoying at that is, I am not here to talk about him, I am here to talk about me. Why? Well this blog is about me, and I love me! (hehe).

My beards, I used to make many entries before I didn’t need glasses, but ever since I am now wearing glasses, I sadly haven’t made any entries since. Of course that’s going to change my beards, the reason why I am saying this is because, just because I need glasses, the need for facial change won’t be needed.

You get some, who just find any reason to give the man fur the heave ho. Err, excuse me! you need your beard and the beard doesn’t need you. I thought if you have glasses, you would be able to see that better?

For some bearded brothers, sadly that isn’t the case. That negativity aside, my bearded brothers (as shown in the photo), I now where glasses! It’s not changed the fact that I have a beard, but as it happens what’s changed is my weight.

Alhamdulillah, I have lost three and a half stone in six months! So the lesson is there my beards, you can make changes in life, life doesn’t stay still, but for the love god, please don’t change your best gift …. your beards.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain *** gives Bearded Salute ***

The Bearded Captain; “When You Sleep Keep Your Beard Comb Close”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.  My beards, this is one my favourite photos. Old But gold as they say

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my beloved soldiers are well and are in the process of growing beards. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer they say, but this saying gets a bit lost on The Captain, I have never understood it, but there you go anyway …. I pray my soldiers are well and are doing the best they can to maintain their beards.

As the regular readers of my blog (my soldiers) know, I am a simple person who doesn’t like drama in life. I am passionate person, a driven person and one thing that I am drive about is ensuring that my Bearded Kingdom is a Kingdom, which is governed with love and care.

On that topic of care, we as beards know the need for caring for our face. Fellas, you’re probably gonna nod profusely at this point but when she asks which blusher looks better, when they’re all the “same” and you think this is a pointless conversation.

Now though fellas I must say be careful now that you have said that because you might need their advice (the women folk) we might need their advice on what comb is the best. When you rolled your eyes and thought this is a pointless conversation, could very well come back to bite.

Your women folk are the crown jewels, take care of them and them being the shining diamonds that they are, enable them to shine. If you get yourself the right woman, she will be the kind of lady who will encourage you to rise above social pressures.

There’s plastic combs, but there’s also wooden combs too. The plastic ones although cheap, do have a durability to it. Sadly I speak from experience, I was gifted a personalised beard comb (wooden one), sadly it broke and that left me heart broken.

I ended up going five/six times a week to the gym, to soften the blow and also  on cheat days (honest) have Dixy chicken. Five or six months down the line, I have over come the grief, I can now talk about this topic with a bit more ease.

My beards, The Captain says this, make sure you keep your beards nicely maintained. This can be done, by ensuring that you have your beard comb with you at all times. For every day use, plastic comb is fine, but special occasion when you want to make a statement of intent isn’t ok.

In this instant a wooden personalised beard  comb is sufficient. Make sure you look after your beard comb, it’s one of your most prized possessions after your beard itself. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain’s Tribute To Shelby, AKA Shelbs

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever. This one goes out to Shelby

 

The name Shelby Sheridan, might not mean much to the vast majority of you lovely readers, but to myself and many more in the Dyno world, here is an example of the biggest nut job going. Quite a strong statement I here you say, but please let me explain this is Shelby who thinks that in Ramadan, Muslims go up on the roof to spot the moon (don’t ask she’s “special”).

Now, why am I doing this blog post when I could write about  more fun things, like my facial hair, my aftershaves, how I am banging and clanging and my love of Dixy chicken. If I tell you this is the same Shelby who has the ability to make the evil look to make you turd your pants and the one who broke her brothers fingers … come on can you blame me?

 Schizophrenic and more swings of her mood more than my local park , Shelbz is quite infectious in terms of her character . An avid reader of my blog and an avid follower of the bearded movement, there’s a method to her madness after all.  

 A mention is necessary of Shelby is necessary (hope it won’t inflate her ego), because this is the same Shelby who just simply said Ayyaz, don’t worry about any backlash from Manchester attacks because we as Dyno colleagues will support you. This is the same Shelby who makes it a point to give me The Bearded salute whenever I pass her in work.

 

Small things you might think, but this is Shelby Sheridan who said she will track me down if I don’t give up junk food for a month …. she isn’t as big as me but o God, don’t get on the wrong side of her * has a big gulp*. Yes, she is cookoo … Justin Beiber’s Despicto, heard of that? Well, now there’s a remix of that called would you like a Dorito? Don’t ask …

So to sum this up, Shelby is hilarious with the stuff she comes out with knowingly and unknowingly , but the underline thing is, she is one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. This one’s for you Shelby, you nutter!

PS, this particular post would have been up much sooner, but as I do value my own health …. and safety, I decided to check and check again with her. But I am sure it’s still not to standard, but it’s still getting put up on my blog.

Lessons in life, death is certain taxes are certain getting beaten up by Shelby Sheridan is also a certain if you get on the wrong side of her.

The Bearded Captain Is Here With Another Message: The Bearded Captain’s “Unsung Hero”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. Your Captain is here with another address. After delivering my address this morning, which was my first in a really long time here is another dosage of wisdom from The Captain.

As stated in the previous blog your Captain has been spreading his message far and wide. Whether that be Linkedin, (“Pompousbook” as some may call it and I call it) Instagram or Beardstagram as I like to call it, Facebook or Twitter.

Together with my beards, although we might not take over the world, we will surely raise a war against the razor. Shaving is only to be done on your heads or … well, your clever people work it out.

The reason this mission started in the first place was for what? To show how rock and roll beards really are. No, we don’t look ugly with a beard … in fact, it’s surely the polar opposite.

With careful maintenance, beard oil and application of Mont Blanc perfume or any other bearded perfume, you will be irresistible to boys and girls a like, if that’s what you crave young bearded one.

Let me reword that, you will get the attention and the admiration of the boys and girls, and if you aren’t getting that love and attention from the boys and girls, my solider look in the mirror and know you’re not growing your beard right.

But if you are not only know you’re growing your beard right, but note you need stay modest in the face of all this attention. When beards are in the spotlight, their beards take centre stage and shine through.

Maybe, your beard is too hippy like if you’re not getting recognition  …. or worse still maybe your jokes are terrible  and attitude isn’t right which is terrible for any beard. If this indeed is the case, then you will need to reaffirm the bearded pledge which is what?

A beard is 1% growth, 99% attitude, with 110% and the ability to make people laugh. That’s the bearded pledge. My social media inbox, is bulging with hello’s and salaams, why? Coz of my beard Alhamdulillah and me practicing The Bearded Pledge!

Note bearded one, when you wake up, your beard wakes up with you. When I had hair I used to have hair (many years ago), I used to have “bad hair days”, with a beard there’s no such thing.

If you think you’re having a bad beard day, note you’re just a hippy and you didn’t ever have a good beard day in the first place. Beards we keep our beards well maintained, nobody in work quite makes an entrance like I do.

In fact, I believe my way to my desk is longer because of all the meeting and greeting and Beard Saluting that I need to do, it’s a tough life but someone has to be me and someone has to lead you beards to the right bearded way.

Through years and months of hard work, me your Bearded Captain has had to endure months of sacrifice and struggle in this quest for Bearded Greatness. The times I have selflessly had Dixy Chicken Mega Mix Burger Meal and Dessert Republic cakes and cappuccinos just to ensure for you guys this is suitable for beards and it’s of The Bearded Standard.

Some may think about the beard, “O it’s just facial hair”, yes it is but note this defines a man and a boy, a Lion and a kitten. A beard is just more than facial hair, it’s a way of saying … my face Alhamdulillah is awesome and I am proud of my face and I want to reward it with a beard.

Why cut your face? Isn’t that self-harm to your face? … When people “self-harm” themselves, what do we say? We say they’re ill and need help .. but when you’re cutting your face why isn’t that an issue then?

If I was ever to even contemplate (don’t worry this is a figure of speech) shaving off my beard I know my face would cry.  To make sure I am allowed in work tomorrow, this last part of the blog is for my colleague Miss Shelby Sheridan who reads these blogs and tries to adhere to The Bearded Movement even though she doesn’t have a beard.

She always salutes me when I come into work or walk past her desk, The Captain thanks you.

Even as The Captain, that woman with the greatest respect is a nut job and can scare the life out of me with her stories. So Shelby thanks for reading my blogs, The Captain appreciates your support. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

Hello My Soliders Your Captain Is Still Here Don’t Worry

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I know what you’re going to say and I can say that I am sorry in advance, but my soldiers Alhamdulillah I am in good health and my beard is stealing the show like it always is.

So where have I been I hear you ask? My soldiers I have been around don’t worry … I have been introducing myself to the world of Facebook (crazy place I know) and Instagram.

My beloved soldiers, on both Insta and Fb I have received a lot of love from my followers, who have since become loyal followers of The Bearded Movement. For that I do this blog to thank you all.

So with jokes, witty banter and unbelievable Beard Quotes, the world of Facebook understand what The Captain is all about. My message is only truly getting out there now … my soldiers I have to report of one casualty … in the time that I have not been here on this blog.

Mr Marcus Nicholson, my one time trusted right hand bearded man … has only gone and done a Russell Crowe …. he has shaved his beard  *** cries uncontrollably**** . The lure of money has got the better of him.

I loved you my beloved solider, but no one is bigger than their face fur. No one! As tough as an act he is to follow, The Bearded Show must go on. So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog to address you all.

My colleagues in work, greet me with The Bearded Salute, address me as Captain and write emails calling me Captain … one colleague has gone further gifted me with so much beard products! I could open up a beard grooming shop with the amount of product I have lol.

Yes, he maybe a fellow beard and The Bearded Commander, but you don’t get such a title as a god given right … no sir it’s on merit. You Mr David Hollier have shown over the past few months, you’re an exceptional beard … thanks guys!

I also do live Facebook broadcasts and let my FB followers into the world of The Bearded Life, the life that is truly rock and roll. Clean shaven, people please tell me, does anyone stop you in the street and say “O nice face mate” …. I thought so,so let’s just leave that discussion there shall we.

Anyway guys, thanks for your support means a lot. I forgot to mention, my beard Alhamdulillah won my team lunch, not once but twice … yeah I know I should win a nobel peace prize for my awesome work to beards.

It’s over and out and from your Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

The Bearded Captain with a Monday Message

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard, comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray that all my soldiers are well and are maintaining their beards. For those of you men who aren’t on the true way (by growing a beard) then know that I am a patient Captain and my door is always open for you when you see the light.

I wanted to raise the following issue brothers, it’s the issue of people giving the beard a bad name. Me as your Bearded Captain, I want to try and help the people who don’t know how awesome a beard is!

The “normal folk” (clean shaven Jessie’s) think that the beard makes you look old, or even worse some think it makes them look ugly, brothers to remind you …. we grow a beard to be awesome! Well I know I do anyway and we woow the boys and girls because of our bearded magnificence (alhamdulillah).

Unfortunately, I have to report some rebellious beards in the field. Sorry to have to post on the tone of a bit of a downer, but these beard’s need to be addressed. The beards in question, are beards who have been causing destruction in the lands of others and even their own.

Brothers, (I am referring to the rebellious beards) you have a beard because the one who helps your beard grow has been favourable to you. I know many men, who aren’t able to grow a beard (yes, they have been through my vetting process), but just because the one who helped your beard grow has shown you kindness (like he always does I must add) then what right does that give you to act in such a way that you do?

Bearded brothers all of you, remember the best way to show the beauty of the beard is in your actions. A beard can be grown within a month without shaving, but without class morality and respect, then your beard is just facial hair.

Remember bearded brothers, a beard is 99% attitude with 110% swag with the ability to make people laugh, 1% of the bearded life is down to growth as anyone could grow one per say. If we want the clean shaven folk to be amongst us bearded men, bearded warriors then we need to be kind and gentle in our actions as well as our speech.

A beard is for life, not just for winter is something I have always preached …. brothers we all need to adapt and learn to have the manners of a beard. We are beards, we are proud to be different …. let’s show the rest of the world how proud we are of our man fur!

Yes, my beard’s I will present to you The Bearded Commandments but there is a guide a lot more in depth than the commandments. This bearded guide teaches a beard how to be good to young and old, it teaches how to be good to the poor.

I have seen some beard’s on social media glamorise the killing of souls. If you want to do that (sorry but you’re a fool if you think it’s justified such action) then do that clean shaven, because imbeciles like you don’t deserve to wear the beard.

A beard is an ultimate gift. If grown correctly and with sincerity, a beard gives you humbleness, humour and kindness amongst other things. Why else was the Captain vote for as the funniest person in the office?

I leave you with that my soldiers, it’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain; “Don’t Do A Brosnan Guys”

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, don’t do a Brosnan for he is a beard who only grew his beard just to keep himself relevant.

 

Hello, greetings and good evening from me your Bearded Captain. I am sorry I haven’t been around of late my beloved soldiers, please forgive me for this. As much as I love you wonderful souls, The Captain has been in Bearded Hibernation.

What that means, boys and girls – ladies, gentleman and clean shaven men is that The Captain was having some time to ponder Bearded Life and the magnificence that comes with the Territory of being The Bearded Captain.

Without further ado, I would like to address today’s issue of not doing a Brosnan. What’s a Brosnan I hear you ask? Well, my soldiers, it is this ….. I would like to think you’re all aware of the ninth Bearded Commandment … (Thou Shall Not Allow The Celebrity Status Of His Beard Get to His Head).

With the Brosnan law, it’s  kind of the opposite of this commandment but needs to be mentioned all the same. The Brosnan law is simply this, I am sure my soldiers you remember Pierce Brosnan who starred in several Bond films.

As I am sure you’re aware the James Bond Character is clean shaven, (don’t get me started please on that topic). In his youth, Brosnan sported a clean shave and was in several Bond films and seemed irresistible to the boys and girls alike.

The thing is though, the world is slowly but surely catching on to the facade of clean shaven people. I mean look at Brosnan’s  later films he has been sporting a beard, the director must read my blog or even be an undercover fan of The Captain.

But the issue is as soon as Pierce Brosnan’s career looks to be going down hill, he decides to grow a beard. Why couldn’t he have been bearded when he was James Bond?

What young guys only look good with a clean shave, what bout The Captain? MashaaAllah I look awesome because I have a beard. My soldiers a beard is for life and not just for winter or when you think your career is going down the pan you draw upon the fame that a beard gives you.

This blog is very much addressing Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, but he who thinks he can grow a beard when he is old to still feel relevant, be warned you will not be amongst my elite.

Every beard is judged by its intention, but don’t take advantage of the beard and abuse its awesomeness. Bearded brothers, you need the beard, not the other way round. The Beard is nature’s way, a beard is a man’s way of saying he is happy in his inner self.

You, my bearded soldier, can be happy with your inner self too. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

The Bearded Captain; Don’t Dye Your Beard In Any Colour Except Ginger!

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, be proud of the colour of your beard and let nature take its path 🙂

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well, in good health and in the process of growing beards! Before I get my teeth into today’s subject, I just want to say thank you for you guys being such wonderful soldiers and as your Bearded Captain, I am really honoured to be leading you guys.

Ok, mushy stuff out of the way, so the issue at hand then. The issue which I would like to raise today is this, the issue of the dying of the beard. Now, I know what you’re thinking but please hear me out, this issue does have some relevance, you’re going to have to take my word on that.

Now, the dying of hair is a topic that people might take lightly if they do no biggie, but as I have said before our beards are unique and this isn’t merely just “another issue”. As I have said time and time again, our beard’s are unique because when maintained correctly, they look magnificent!

Of course my bearded brothers, you already know that. So with that in mind, the need to preserve one’s beard is extremely necessary.  Yes, we have talked about combing and perfuming the beard, but I just feel this issue of the beard dye hasn’t been touched upon and it needs to be.

When someone dyes their hair, they use different colours, but when it comes to the beard let’s make this clear don’t dye it. Why I hear you ask? The reason is simple a beard grows naturally, so allow nature to take it’s path, the same applies to your natural beard hair colour too.

Blonde beard, green beard or blue beard just isn’t a good luck, but ginger is I have natural ginger strands in my beard hehe. Do I really need to explain why not dye your beard in any other colours except ginger? Let’s just say this if I do need to explain,  it makes me wonder are you seriously listening to your Bearded Captain and his advice?  …. You might have to take a long hard look at yourself O Bearded One.

The sharp-minded one’s amongst you will be thinking what about when I get older and my beard turns grey what do I do? Well after studying this particular topic long and hard as I devoured a Dixy burger ( bearded man’s best friend if you like), it came to my attention that it’s absolutely not allowed to dye a grey beard back to your natural hair colour. I hope that makes sense.

When the time comes for your beard to fully mature and turn grey, embrace the fact that it’s happened to you and that you have been chosen by the one who gave you your man fur in the first place.

If you hide your natural beard hair colour to the people, a question I would ask is are you hiding other stuff, are you truthful beard. I mean if it came to it, would you share your last piece of chicken with me? (yes I would share it with a bearded brother in case you’re wondering).

I will close on this point brothers, a beard is a thing of beauty. For some of you, you will live long enough for your beard to grow grey, that’s not a bad thing far from it …. embrace it, brothers! A grey beard shows wisdom and the right person will respect you for it, if they don’t you’re around the wrong people.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.