Biscuits,

The people who you can’t trust (Satire)

Hello, good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media). My beards, I want to stand to salute you all first of all.

You’re a credit to yourselves and your face. My brothers (non-keyworkers) you have had to overcome the “you need to shave your face, because of the coronavirus – and they say being bearded” can cause the spread of infection.

Your Captain has had this experience to deal with too. So how you deal with it? Well, I always advise to not go fire with fire, never really solves anything. So the scenario unfolded like so.

Them; “Yaz (The Bearded Captain), you will have to shave your beard because of what Dr’s are saying about coronavirus”.
Me; “Yeah, I know (Won’t insert her name here), I heard this on the news as well. If this ever becomes the case, that my beard is a problem in the workplace due to COVID, then I will self isolate”.

Game, set and match. There are our fallen heroes who are health care professionals and have had to lose their face shield, but in my case, I am not in health care … so no, I won’t give up my pride and joy for the sake of it.

There are respectively bigger challenges that a beard will need to face like the challenges of the summer. so without too much further ado, of course, someone who betrays their beard isn’t trustworthy, but let me give you some more examples.

Biscuit dippers …. biscuits aren’t there to be subjected to suicide dives into someone’s cup! The chocolate digestives are the flag bearers of biscuit.

It’s a unique name, shares similar traits to Pritt stick, blue tack and sellotape – what I mean by this whichever company makes it and even if their company calls it one, we the public will universally know it as that.

So, for example, Pritt stick will always be known as that whichever company makes it, so to subject the biscuit to such mindless abuse is, sweet snacks abuse!

Then you have the people who put the hot water in before making the coffee, what kind of evil sorcery is this? I can’t help but imagine you’re the very same kind of people who eat KitKat four fingers in the same way, you eat other chocolates.

What I mean, is that instead of eating the Nation’s favourite chocolate that you have on your first break with a cuppa, the normal way …. some of you eat the Kitkat with two half fingers ate.

I have to put the question, are the people who would spell your name, Sean, instead of Shaun? the first example surely spells seen, right? Unfortunately, there is women’s name spelt in the same unusual way.

Siobhan, is actually pronounced Shivorn? Siobhan spells C-O-Ban! So, as you can see these are several examples of the untrustworthy ones. We can’t forget to mention, the ones who wear socks when going to bed.

I am ashamed to admit this, I was one who was upon this treacherous way of thinking. Thankfully sense prevailed. Last but not least, another example of an “untrustworthy person”, is when they get a chicken burger meal, they finish their burger first and leave the chips.

A real crime, to burger meals and how they should be eaten. Chips first then the burger or you mix the two … but you do not! finish burger first. A bit of satire (attempted there) t try and cheer you up.

On that note my beards, I will now love you and leave you… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!