funny

The end is nigh brothers!

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile. My brothers, I hope you’re well, looking after yourselves and more importantly your beard!

My brothers I want to talk about an important issue in the life of beard. As you are all aware, we are in a lockdown and in a lockdown, not only have the gyms, restaurants, bars and football stadiums to the fans have been closed, but the closing down of barbers has hit us beards hard!

I never think this would be the case, but a lot of us beards have grown the equivalent of afros, but it has been. This lockdown like the other lock down has been a challenge for all beards. Some beards have been better at it than other beards, the grooming of their bead. 

Brothers, I know some of you (me included) are working from home and the perceived need to maintain your beard is seen as not necessary. My Bearded beloved’s it is necessary as the beard is your pride and enjoy. These times of lockdown have been tough, but the end is nigh .. no more botched snipping of the beard (like a certain someone did, mentioning no names). 

Well brothers, the end is nigh! On April 12th, the barbershops will be reopening in the U.K. Form an orderly queue as The Bearded Captain exercises his right for being at the front of the line as I am The Bearded Leader. 

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

How they’re not laughing now

He has been as something as a cult hero. Nicolas Bendtner, or Lord Bendtner, Emile Heskey and Jess Lingard the ‘youngster’ has also been in flack. With the first two players, they’re known by the football world and football twitter as subject of mockery. Meme’s would be dedicated to these two and also sarcastically putting them in the same bracket as the two greatest players of this generation (Ronaldo and Messi). Heskey has never claimed to be a world beater, but our Nicholas? Well …. To say he was full of himself that’s an understatement. 

He is the Chuck Norris of football, well that’s if you ask him. The actual Chuck Norris of the beautiful game is Zlatan and no dares to challenge him on that or anything else really, Zlatan has backed his words with actions and in this current season has taken his game to new heights. That’s enough about Ibra, we will maybe talk about him another time. I want to talk about the youngster that is Lingard, he is like Heskey and Bendtner, where their reputations have got the better of them. Lingard, the Warrington born midfielder has been living off past glories. 

Under David Moyes when the Scott had his Ill fated spell in the Old Trafford hotseat, Jesse Lingard was involved in the squad for pre season that season.  In the 2014-2015 season, Lingard made his Manchester United debut under Louis Van Gaal. That goal he scored in the FA Cup final, yeah the one where he did the Ryan Giggs celebration, that one. Someone should have told our Jesse, that no one rocks that celebration like Mr Giggs can. Even when Mourinhp came to town, if Jose’s past reputation is anything go by, the end would have been nigh for the Warrington Messi. 

To his credit Jesse and his flute impression making self, excelled in an advanced role as almost a number 10. Diego Lingard? Jesse Maradonna? Those comparisons which also included Lingardinho turned to be premature as Jesse Lingard’s decline started. Off-field issues some which were very unfortunate lead to this footballing cult hero almost turn into a cult villain. The FA Cup game against Derby County became the tip of the iceberg for some fans as aggressive chants welcomed the former England midfielder upon his arrival at Pride Park. 

With no goals or assists, it’s fair to say he wasn’t make many if any fantasy football teams. A public verbal unleashing of fury by the normally apparently charming Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was a reality check for the 28-year old Lingard. The goal dorugh ended on the last day of the season with a tap in goal against Leicester, which would help The Red Devils secure Champions League football for this season. That goal would have been a new day a new dawn? Sadly not as this season Jess Lingard was on the periphery. 

Talks of loan move to Nice, would have been nice, but that didn’t materialise. Sheffield United were apparently looking to make their move, but West Ham made the decisive move. With two goals on debut and three goals in four games, Jesse Lingard is maybe the Undertaker of football? (rising from the footballing dead). Only time will tell, those who didn’t put Jess in their fantasy football team, it not too late!

O how they laughed, because just maybe this youngster as he referred to, is coming on age.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

When you know it’s winter (satire)

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue. My Soldiers, I spoke about when you know it’s summer in my previous blog post, in this blog post I want to share with you some signs when it’s winter.

Stating the obvious, it’s when your heating in your house in on full blast almost constantly. Yeah, that’s an obvious, but what about when you have to put those three quarter shorts to the bottom of the clothes pile and the-shirts too. The long Johns that weren’t mentioned in the summer, they’re on the tips of everyone’s lips.

With the case of the long Johns, you can say the only John that get’s mentioned in summer is our Pappa John, the pizza place. Are you coffee or a tea lover? Well, you will know it’s winter better than most, because you will crave that warm beverage even more. In the summer and when it’s hot you will not really feel the need to have coffee that many times in the day, if not at all.

Keeping it consumption based, what you feel with teas and coffee in the summer, you will tend to feel the same in winter too. When it’s cold all you want is hot food and when it’s summer you don’t.

I am not sure if this next example is just me, but you will know when winter is here when you wear a t-shirt you will feel a cold sensation not like freezing freezing cold but a cold you will only realise was there when you put your jumper on. In the summer, you will struggle to sleep due to hot and humid weather.

You will toss, turn and wrestle with the duvet, not being able to sleep with it off your body, but not being able to sleep with it on. In the winter? No such worries, initially there will be a period where your feet and part of your body will be like snow block almost, but when you sleep you sleep like a baby.

In the summer, where people are happy glowing and beaming, people are the opposite in winter maybe because it’s freezing and sunsets in the mid afternoon! I remember this with me. I went to work in darkness and came back home … in darkness! That’s enough to break a man.

Do you remember we mentioned about the ice cream man? Well the only ice cream man you get in winter is a male shrieking in a high voice (yeah that’s a dad joke). In the summer and with the weather being hot, you just want to sit in the shower days on end to cool down, in the winter?

Once you shake off the reluctance to go into to the shower due to it being freezing …. you don’t want to get out as you’re under a nice warm shower. I guess nothing changes there then. Last but not least in my opinion, when you know it’s winter time is when you see more men with beards, which is obviously to keep their face warm.

On that note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The signs of the summer (satire)

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bear of beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Brothers, I pray you’re well and I pray you’re looking after your beards! My bearded beloved’s, I want to talk about an important issue, the issue of when you know it’s summer.

Now to sate the obvious, you know it’s summer when you look outside, see the sun in the sky and there’s no need to wear a coat.

In the winter, the woolly hats and neck warmers are dusted off but when summer comes, back to the bottom of the draw it goes.

My dear brothers, I want to talk about some subtle signs of when you know it’s summer time.

The first thing that comes to mind for me, is when you hear the melody tune coming from far far away, that sound usually means one thing … an ice cream van! In the winter, they seem like they go into hibernation.

When you sense the temperature outside reaches double figures, rest assured you will hear the melody tune and an engine roaring in the sunset coming into the sun, you will know it’s an ice cream van looking for kids who want ice cream.

I am not talking about, in the back of the van stuff there, just thought I would clarify.

Other signs of the summer is you will see people more happy. Obviously when it’s Christmas time, everyone is beaming on the outside and in, but when it’s summer time .. the happiness is different, it just is.

Men, will be walking around with their t-shirts off and bare chested, sorry let me correct that comment, it usually tends to be the boys who go topless when the temperature reaches double figures.

The men from Newcastle, aren’t afraid to take their shirt off even when it’s minus temperature!

Stating the obvious, with this next example, but people tend to dust off the sunglasses in the summer time.

There’s only one person, who truly rocks the sunglasses and that’s the Phons in Happy Days. No one and I mean no one makes sunglasses look good quite like he does, Hey! *in Phonsy voice*

True story, I realised the wife of a TV presenter, came to my dad’s shop and in the winter I saw her and he daughter with sunglasses on and yes it looked really weird. Summer won’t be summer, if you don’t bring out the shorts from the bottom depths of the wardrobe.

In the winter, legs are locked up till lunch! In the summer, those bad boys are whipped out for the world to see.

Fellas, just make sure those legs aren’t crusty or even skinny! If you’re bringing those legs out of the wilderness, no one wants to see crusty legs or skinny ones.

Images like those scar the average man for years on end. My sister, my God haver mercy on her soul, would tease my by saying I had ‘lady legs’.

Fellas, if your leg game isn’t up to it, hit the gym and don’t skip leg day! Not chicken leg day, no I mean the quads, hamstrings, calves and quads need working.

Last but not least, in my opinion one of the signs that tells you it’s summer time is when fizzy drinks go in the freezer.

Brothers, don’t do what I did and leave it in the freezer for too long, because you would be greeted with an ice explosion and burst plastic bottle with unprecedented amount of ice everywhere.

Entering that scene, you would have thought it was part of the Antarctic, but no it was just my kitchen!

On that note brothers, there is a list of the signs of when you know it’s summer time. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Just don’t be one of those people

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue, it’s the topic of not being one of those people.

There’s always one, the odd one out. People who don’t spell their name right. “Hanna’, I am talking to you here and ‘Stephen’, yeah this is aimed at you. But brothers, what I am referring to here is the people who wear shorts in -2 degrees temperature or in any weather for that matter.

Dude, what’s wrong with you? Do you want Pneumonia? I am sorry, but I am gonna be blunt here, that’s like one of the hookers on a cold night. No matter the weather, she will always have the short skirt on, which is just weird, don’t be one of those people. Other people you shouldn’t be like are those who wear socks and sandals.

Are you a Geography teacher? No, didn’t think so …. but the people who do this (wear socks and sandals) well, let’s just say like Wethers Originals (you know what I mean). So more example of people that you shouldn’t be like are those who wear leather-strapped gentleman watches with a tracksuit.

Brothers, it just looks odd. This post borders on, my previous post of signs of a psychopath, which can be found here; https://ayyazmalik.com/2020/08/24/signs-of-psycho-satire/

My Bearded Soldiers, I am back after a little break, and that’s your list for now. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The toughest job interview (satire)

Hello and greetings, my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, here I talk about an issue in the world of beards. Here, brothers, I talk about the toughest job interview known to man.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Now available on people per hour for your sports writing needs

Hello and good afternoon,

Just a quick note to say I am offering my writing services through the people per hour platform. I am a writer of six years on all things sport.

Feel free to discuss having a article written for you.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/ayyaz-malik-7b1b06a0_hire-ayyaz-m-on-peopleperhour-activity-6762357397513129984-Qk8h

When you know you’re in an Asian’s house (Satire)

Hello and greetings, here is a satirical look on how you know you’re in an Asian house. I hope you enjoy!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Thank me later

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards and flag bearer of beards on digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after your beards and in the process of growing them too!

Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue, it’s the issue of some hidden gems that you might not have been aware of.

Have you ever thought what the top pocket of your shirt is for? It’s for putting your beard comb in you’re welcome.

Traditionally you would wear jeans/trousers and you would have pockets in those, but think about it. Top pocket is more practical right?

Brothers, you can’t put it in your jeans/trouser pockets. That’s for your phone and wallet and the smaller section for change change (or so they tell me).

For the bald headed people amongst you when you shave your head, you most likely use shave foam right? Well when you next time do apply at on your beard too.

No, it’s not what it sounds like, but when I do this, I have realised it adds a nice surprising shine to my beard.

Just like what Vaseline does. You have to try it to love it as they say.

Brothers, red salted chips are a game changer, especially with a chicken burger. Oo and that chicken burger of yours, surely needs to be spicy, once you go spicy the others aren’t nicey.

I did actually just type that, maybe this lock down is getting to me. Thankfully I have enough sanity to keep my beard and cherish it. All is not lost!

There are many more examples of some hidden knowledge gems out there no doubt. But I will just share the few here. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed, stay beard!

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The tea/coffee dippers

Hello and good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re looking after yourselves and I pray you look after your beards! Bearded Soldiers, I want to talk about the issue of the biscuit dipper. This topic, I have found has divided opinion. My Bearded Beloved’s in short, your Captain will say just don’t do it!

To clarify, what it is you shouldn’t be doing it’s the issue of putting biscuits (usually digestives) into your tea or coffee. Whether you should have tea or coffee is a debate in itself, but I digress …. My Bearded Soldiers your beverage is for drinking.

Your tea/coffee isn’t tomato ketchup and your biscuit isn’t a chip (if you know what I mean). The tea dippers will be able to clarify their rationale, but soggy digestives? Really??? As bad as that is, I have heard and seen toast being dipped into a beverage and also naan!

Especially with the last example, you know the end is nigh. Maybe, if you have flu for example you won’t have the taste buds to taste soggy biscuits, but the visual (yuck). There is also the other kind of dippers, the soup dippers.

A true story here, I was told is was soup for dinner. To say I was devastated doesn’t do the moment I made the heartbroken face justice. Soup, tomato soup is ok … but on it’s own! Soggy bread even with tomato sauce on it… just why !?

My brothers, I pray none of you fall foul of this woeful act. (This blog like with all my other posts are silly tongue and cheek). It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86