no to racism,

The Just Trimmed Feeling

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Hello and greetings brothers, here I am this evening talking about the fresh beard trim

 

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I hope you’re looking after yourselves and looking after your most prized possession your beard.

Now, brothers, you have seen that I am a bald-headed bearded man, so I won’t know the fresh trim in terms of hair cut feeling these days, but I sure do know the fresh beard trim feeling. When I could say many moons ago when I did cut my hair, the fresh hair trim feeling gave you a herculean feeling.

To make this relatable to a clean-shaven, I will say you will feel like a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney, when you have just trimmed your hair.

The confidence you get and the way you strut with a purpose, you wouldn’t do that when your back and sides fade has worn off for example.

With a beard, the feeling is the same, well kind of. When you grow a beard, the aim is to make yourself feel good all the time. Well, helping preserve the natural way on your face (letting your beard grow) you’re allowing nature to take its course.

Nature is beautiful in terms of scenery, isn’t it? Whether it be Yorkshire or Dorset for example, scenic beauty is lovely to look at, the same could be said with your beard.

As mentioned in previous posts, a bearded barber is entrusted with the utmost trust, the pledge of looking after and helping one’s beard look a bit sharper after they have been to the beard salon.

In a beard salon, your face won’t go in one of those machines, and you won’t be gossiping about what’s in OK magazine, but rather you will be in the care of a master craftsman.

Wax for the cheeks, cut-throat razor for the cheeks and to tidy up near Adam’s apple.
Not forgetting to mention the scissors, that would be required fo help tame the stray hairs from the side of the face (a consequence of untrimmed beard hair). When your beard is freshly trimmed, you dread walking on a windy day.

After the Bearded Barber, masterfully trimmed and helped shape your beard, the last thing you want is for the blustery conditions to ruin the barber’s hard work.

I am not sure if this just me, but I am reluctant to wear t-shirts, after I have to put my head through the hole, running the risk of messing up your beard in the process.

I wear shirts, when I go to the Bearded Barber, such is the concern that I have with this issue, is this just me?

In the case of when you get a haircut, one goes back to mediocrity. Hairs longer, not as well-trimmed and zap goes that fresh haircut swagger.

That probably explains why the barbers on the curry mile are always busy

When you outgrow your beard trim, a beard doesn’t lose that swagger, because he combs and maintains his beard.

A beard does lose some, but crucially not all. Brothers, the need to look after the beard always gets emphasised when it comes to the new beard. Stay blessed, stay beard – it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The jaw line “beard”

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My brothers, a beard isn’t just about catchy phrases and slogans.

Brothers, the beard is the uniform to symbolise how awesome and rock& roll we are. We have touched upon it, but in this blog, we will look to go into a bit more detail. My soldiers, I want to talk about the jawline “beard”.

As talked about in our last address, (the last blog) we mentioned that a man with a moustache is still clean-shaven. Just because he has lip fluff, don’t get illusioned. Yes, it’s facial hair but it’s not below the chin, that’s what we’re after here.

In case some think, that’s me giving the approval of the goatee … you’re mistaken. A beard is hair that’s kept under the chin and on the side of your cheeks. Some then might look to find loopholes after reading this, those men my brothers are one’s who have jawlines.

What is a jawline? It’s as literal as it sounds – it’s a line (in this case line of facial hair) across the jawbone. Sounds ok right? Of course, it isn’t .. these men seem to be the kind who clock off work at one minute before shift time and not after.

These men, probably know the complex ways to avoid the legal tax system such is their way of trying to find loopholes. A beard doesn’t require shaving, with a jawline you have to shave even some might say this is a beard.

The one’s who have jawlines and the ones who shave their face to shape their jawlines are essentially like carpenters to their own face or even sculptors. I say this because a sculptor, with precision, makes a shape for his statue and a carpenter – crafts design in wood.

As skilled as both are in their fields, don’t use such skills to your face bearded one. A beard is different and proud. A man with a jawline is like a crossbreed which is similar to that of the case of the two-day stubble, which we have mentioned on previous blogs.
A razor is to be used on your head, and your err herm.

Why in your right mind would you want your face to look like an 800m running track? Facial hair on a man’s face should feel welcomed, rather than a guest who’s not even going to stay for dinner.

A beard isn’t a fashion statement, although your face does look fashionable and $1 million when grown properly. Brothers, some may dismiss it as inconvenience but you really need to have a comb by your side at all times.

They say a cake needs a cherry on top . Your beard brothers is your cherry on top of your face. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Dispelling a myth

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers, good evening it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards.

I pray you’re well and looking after your beards, as well as maintaining them.

My brothers, we have seen, as well as discussed several scenarios and dealt with them along the way.

The Covid-19 issue is ongoing, but as your leader, I have addressed this issue and offered solutions.

The winter beard and summer beard is the further examples of challenges we beards face .

Now, brothers, we know that the clean-shaven “man” is a sworn enemy to the beard. They will try to use many tricks to deceive you.

What about when it gets really hot, like scorching hot (like it’s been for the past three/four days) they will say.

Beards, the beard hasn’t gone and melted in this way weather so why should you get rid of it? Heat doesn’t kill your beard it only enhances it!

In the heat, your beard is like your face sweatband, the same way the head sweatband does its thing.

When there’s sunshine, a clean-shaven face is likely to feel irritation and may even attract a rash.

With a bearded face, this pretty much covers this concern and allays those fears. The clean-shaven, love to use many diversion tactics and excuses.

One of their excuses has been, Captain “you never say anything to the ones who have a moustache only”.

Very well clean-shaven Jessie, in this blog post you will get your wish. Now, the one’s who have a moustache and shave their face .. are still cleanly shaven.

Now, just because they don’t get mentioned by name, don’t think they’re out of the firing line.

They’re the crossbreeds. They try to show that they’re not like clean-shaven because they have facial hair.

No, that’s lip fluff .. a bit of hair you have kept under your lip for god knows what reason.

Nope, you’re not Poirot, Yosemite Sam or Astrix, and even they shouldn’t keep moustaches.

Some keep the moustache and resemble a Mexican drug lord and some look suited to the adult film industry.

When you drink your cup of tea or have a glass of water, it’s like your moustache is too. Now, some smartasses might say but food gets stuck in the beard so what’s your point?

Well with this scenario, you can comb the crumbs out and wash your beard, but you can’t do that with a tash.

Taking of eating, even when you’re eating your food, your lip fluff goes in your mouth too, so it’s like you’re eating your moustache… yuk!

Now, brothers, some try to make their moustaches “fashionable”.

This blog will most certainly upset the Asian uncle and the odd auntie too hehe (you know what I mean) but as Bearded Leader, I preach what needs to be preached.

The clean-shaven will try to brainwash you with the Hugo Boss adverts and the Hugo Boss kind of man (models who are clean-shaven), but don’t be duped we know their game.

Their moustached counterparts looked to have learnt some of their tricks too. In poetic style Asian uncles say in Urdu maybe as an emotional guilt trip tactic.

According to them if you don’t have a moustache you don’t have anything, which is nonsense.

Brothers, a moustache can be grown, but you need your beard too.

The godfather and pinnacle of all beards said: “Grow your beards and trim your moustaches”.

I leave you with that thought. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

So your beard is growing longer? Let’s talk

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards. Good morning to you all (it was at the time of typing anyway).

My bearded beloved’s I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and maintaining your beeeeeards! *cries uncontrollably*.

As I am sure you remember ( I can’t forget as I am still traumatised) that I had a beard trimming mishap where my luscious bearded locks perished … and I was left with a short beard! *stops the tears rolling down his cheeks*.

That was two weeks ago, but the pain is still fresh. In this case, time isn’t a good healer, but it will heal my face and put it back to its rightful facial settings of being a long-bearded man.

I am not saying there’s anything wrong with being a short beard, but when you go long anything else seems wrong. My beard comb is trying to claim redundancy from me, I am convinced of it.

What was a proud shiny wooden comb, appears to be collecting dust. I know I preach, thou shall not forget his beard the same way he/she won’t forget their phone, but I don’t fancy combing my skin essentially, that’s just weird.

It’s been tough seeing my brothers with long beards and me with a short one. I will never be jealous, that’s not fitting of a beard to be jealous but what I do feel is regret that I could have had such a cavalier approach when it came to maintaining my pride and joy.

There is some good news in what has been a sad tale for all beards so far …. my beard is growing back! What was once a beard that didn’t leave my face, I am delighted to report the beard hairs have grown out and all be it a little bit, my beard hairs are growing off my face.

The side of the beard is puffed out and now needs combing, moisturizing and oiling down – I have not needed to do that in many weeks. Some think it’s a bad thing, but the beard itches have returned too!

Most of you would have watched Superman and saw when he started to realise he had powers and could see through walls, beard growth on my face makes me feel like that. Or when Peter Parker (Spiderman) realised he could climb walls and release a web from his palm.

To emphasise the point, remember when Wolverine from X-Men realized he had claws? Yeah, this what it feels like when your beard grows out. A longer beard has it’s challenges of course it does, but look at those superheroes and how they find their superpowers.

Brothers if you grow your beard properly, with love care, affection but most importantly using TLB (tender love of beard) then you will unlock your superpower to the world.

Bearded brethren, you’re handsome because the one who gave you the beard gave you your looks, but he made you even more handsome because he made you look like a man.

One last thing, if you want to trim your beard … really take care and don’t do what I did!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Timo Werner; an Asian Love Story

Chelsea have signed Germany forward Timo Werner from RB Leipzig in a deal that could total £102.5 million over five years. The Blues, managed to beat Premier League leaders Liverpool to the former Stuttgart strikers signature.

The whole process of the German players signing has an element of an Asian wedding to it, I will explain.

So for the Asian readers amongst you, you’re all too aware of the process of an Asian marriage and the whole process of getting married.

In non-Asian tradition stereo typically, it’s boy sees girl, they date for a certain amount of time he ponders when and where to propose and when she says yes, they all live happily after, the end.

Now with an Asian marriage, it’s parents meet parents they talk and try and thrash out a deal like they’re in a G20 summit and after intense detailed and at times top secret talks, “a deal” ( of marriage) is agreed.

In those talks and negotiations, gifts between the two families and the price of the wedding and the cost of the hall is discussed.

There have been instances after initially looking set for marriage, the discussions end due to disagreements about the costs of the wedding and the gifts that certain family members get during the wedding.

I liken the Timo Werner transfer to Chelsea , to that of an Asian marriage.

Before Chelsea came in for the German, Liverpool were said to strongly be looking to sign Werner. In terms of the Asian scenario of this story, Liverpool are the groom (ready to agree the money side to get their bride for marriage).

Timo Werner and RB Leipzig are the bride and the bride’s family. The 24-year old Werner after looking to get married into the Liverpool household, saw the marriage break off due to money.

Liverpool’s family (the management/hierarchy) didn’t want to pay too much of a dowry and in all honesty wanted to treat Werner as only the fourth best daughter in-law behind Mo Salah, Roberto Firmino and Sadio Mane.

The “groom’s family” (Liverpool hierarchy) didn’t fancy paying the excessive wedding costs (£102.5 million in total after five years).

Heart broken both Timo and RB Leipzig wanted their special wedding and felt the right suitor will pay whatever the cost to give them that special day.

But most importantly Timo wanted be made to feel like the number one “daughter in-law”.

With Timo Werner looking an attractive proposition, a new suitor came into the picture and they were Chelsea.

Chelsea too had their heart broken after Dries Mertens refused to leave long term partner Napoli. Both Werner and West Londoners Chelsea were looking for the dream match.

When Chelsea’s father Roman Abramovich came in with a “dowry” that both bride and bride’s family couldn’t say no to, thus became the start of a marriage between Timo Werner and Chelsea .

After The Blues’ recent record of signing strikers, they will hope that German Werner succeeds where Sturridge, Torres and Morata failed.

In Asian weddings especially if the marriage doesn’t work, the divorce always gets a bit messy and no one wants a messy divorce do they?

Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, I go by the name of the Beeear, Beeeearded Captain *tries to control his cries*. Brothers, in the four years that I have been Bearded Leader, and very proudly been Bearded Leader, never ever has a challenge like this come to the fore.

My brothers, the challenge that I am referring to is that of the short beard! Brothers, please don’t misunderstand me, I have said a beard is 1% growth and 99% attitude – this is still the case.

Having said that though, once you go long, anything else is so wrong. Shaving the beard … well, let’s not go there, or shaping a goatee and even having a short skin beard. In previous blogs and videos, I have mentioned them even as master craftsmen (the bearded barber).

With the lockdown in place and the clean-shaven Boris Johnson & most of the other MP’s in the cabinet being beardless too, then it seemed inevitable this was going to happen. A longer beard might be prone to getting food stuck in it, or getting messy too, but when looked after it’s the treasure to your face.

Having to go short beard due to my shoddy scissor work, is like Dec being without Ant – Laurel being without Hardy … or even cheese being without the onion! *cries in the corner*.

A man with a beard is like a lion, I feel like a kitten hitting their form of puberty, I am declawed, this is testing times in beard life! Don’t try this at home my bearded superiors said, I sadly gave them the finger salute, but why!

I am young, naive and a tad rebellious. Lockdown has made me explore new skills, the master of being a beard craftsman, no doubt takes years, decades to master … but I have ran before I could walk.

As I cut the luscious locks off, I am sure I saw water in that very beard I cropped … they must have been beard tears. Just like someone with curly hair, you should never shave your head, someone with a long beard shouldn’t crop their beard really short – sadly like mine now.

I even put aftershave in my beard this morning like what I normally and the fragrance was directly absorbed by my cheeks, I don’t think I have felt that sensation since I was 19!

If you don’t understand my pain,  Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!

So there you have it my beards, the sad tale of why you shouldn’t try this at home. *bows head low* it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain*

Black lives matter always

Hello, and greetings my bearded beloved’s, it’s me your Bearded Leader, on all things digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My beards, as much as we try to do these blog addresses to make you laugh, sometimes this platform needs to be used differently.

My dearest brothers, the need to talk about this may seem necessary now, but this issue always needs to be mentioned. It’s the issue, that’s hit headlines this week, that’s the issue of racial tensions in America.

An unarmed Afro-American man (George Floyd) was murdered by a police officer. Today, in the 21st century, it’s with great sadness brothers, that I am having to write this post.

The reality brothers is that this is an issue that isn’t going to go away until Donald “The clean-shaven Jessie Trump” is in office at the White House. This topic of race relations is in the public eye, due to this tragic passing of the 46-year old Floyd.

There’s never a blessing in a death of an innocent man, nor can they ever be, but what The Captain hopes is that this can help encourage raising awareness for this issue. The media, have brought this issue into the spotlight and will duly take it out of the limelight when they feel like too.

My brothers, some of us aren’t Afro-Caribbean so we can’t truly understand what this community goes through, but we bleed red. We have hearts, we care. This issue of racial inequality isn’t just in America, but it’s around the world.

Sports teams may want to kneel down on one knee as a form of protest, but Colin Kaepernick has been doing this for some time, well before this tragic news had taken place. It’s a challenge for all brothers, we need to be consistent here.

When the news stop covering this issue, don’t make it be that we do too. As an Asian, I am sad to say that there’s victimisation and poor treatment by some, of black people. Son-in laws who are black in the Asian community are very few, and that’s sad.

It appears to be solely for the colour of their skin. The issue is there when it comes to black women too. I sincerely hope, The Bearded Captain blog and vlog, promotes equality for all races and creeds.

Here what I have to say about it here; Black lives matter always

Brothers, the aim is to unite all through comedy and banter. It’s over and out from The Captain.