Comedy

When you know it’s winter (satire)

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue. My Soldiers, I spoke about when you know it’s summer in my previous blog post, in this blog post I want to share with you some signs when it’s winter.

Stating the obvious, it’s when your heating in your house in on full blast almost constantly. Yeah, that’s an obvious, but what about when you have to put those three quarter shorts to the bottom of the clothes pile and the-shirts too. The long Johns that weren’t mentioned in the summer, they’re on the tips of everyone’s lips.

With the case of the long Johns, you can say the only John that get’s mentioned in summer is our Pappa John, the pizza place. Are you coffee or a tea lover? Well, you will know it’s winter better than most, because you will crave that warm beverage even more. In the summer and when it’s hot you will not really feel the need to have coffee that many times in the day, if not at all.

Keeping it consumption based, what you feel with teas and coffee in the summer, you will tend to feel the same in winter too. When it’s cold all you want is hot food and when it’s summer you don’t.

I am not sure if this next example is just me, but you will know when winter is here when you wear a t-shirt you will feel a cold sensation not like freezing freezing cold but a cold you will only realise was there when you put your jumper on. In the summer, you will struggle to sleep due to hot and humid weather.

You will toss, turn and wrestle with the duvet, not being able to sleep with it off your body, but not being able to sleep with it on. In the winter? No such worries, initially there will be a period where your feet and part of your body will be like snow block almost, but when you sleep you sleep like a baby.

In the summer, where people are happy glowing and beaming, people are the opposite in winter maybe because it’s freezing and sunsets in the mid afternoon! I remember this with me. I went to work in darkness and came back home … in darkness! That’s enough to break a man.

Do you remember we mentioned about the ice cream man? Well the only ice cream man you get in winter is a male shrieking in a high voice (yeah that’s a dad joke). In the summer and with the weather being hot, you just want to sit in the shower days on end to cool down, in the winter?

Once you shake off the reluctance to go into to the shower due to it being freezing …. you don’t want to get out as you’re under a nice warm shower. I guess nothing changes there then. Last but not least in my opinion, when you know it’s winter time is when you see more men with beards, which is obviously to keep their face warm.

On that note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Asian parents vs non Asian parents (with a hint of sarcasm)

When you think of Parents, you think of a lot of things. If there were no parents, there would be no me, no you. It’s something, that a lot of us will become in our life.

Some of us embrace it, some of us struggle in the role of parent, here though I want to just highlight some of the things that all parents do.

I will qualify that, what all Asian parents do. Now non-Asian parents (some at least) are known by their first name to their children.

Any Asian kid, dare to call their parents by their name …. Let’s just say get the funeral directors on the ready.

In non-Asian households going out to play, for example, might be as simple as ABC and 123, in an Asian household? Nope!

First, you have to ask your mum and hope she’s able to twist the arm of your dad and make him ‘give in’ on this occasion.

This almost reminds of a video game, where you defeat all the bosses, then you got the final boss- the hardest of them all, and that’s an Asian dad.

Some are worried about lockdown? Well in an Asian house it’s a near lockdown every day.

I need to also mention an Asian father is a true depiction of an Alpha Male. You will never, a handful of times if you’re lucky see your old man cry.

If you do indeed see your old man cry, know it’s a collectors item. If you see your dad get up in the middle of the original Lion King, right before Mufasa dies, you know he isn’t putting the kettle on.

An Asian parent is more efficient than Royal Mail’s sorting office, they very kindly go through your post.

They’re HR too, I can recall many occasion where I was ill but ended up going into work to withstand the questions upon questions as to why I am off, and I don’t ‘look ill’.

In a non-Asian household, the narrative tends to be, you’re 16 years old out of the house, you’re old enough to stand on your own two feet.

If an Asian at 35 had that attitude that he/she can stand on their own two feet, then civil war and, although not a nuclear war, violence with the slipper would ensue thereafter.

Asian boy or girl, try to move out of the home, and that might be one of the last things you do on planet earth.

There’s a flip side to this, yes this is a very satirical piece, but should my parents get old, or even frail,  I would honestly love to look after them in their old age, like they did me in my infancy.

I have seen the Dispatchers and Panorama programmes alike, and they show mistreatment of the elderly in nursing homes. Yours truly couldn’t have that on his conscience.

Could never dream of putting my parents in a nursing home.

In front of your Asian parents, if you swear like a trooper, again you will get the slipper or even a backhand more deadly than Rodger Federer’s.

In a non-Asian household, there have been instances where kids and parents only address each other by swearing.

One thing, that both non-Asian parents are in unison is that neither encourages their child to smoke. Both Asian kids and non-Asian kids tend to hide that they smoke from their parents.

Maybe in a non-Asian household, it’s eventually tolerated, but in an Asian household it’s very frowned upon to smoke, but what about drinking I hear you ask? Don’t even go there.

Other differences with non-Asian and Asian household and their attitude of parents is that in a non-Asian household they tend to leave it to the kids themselves to find their own partner for settling down, that means in a long term relationship or marriage.

In an Asian household, if word gets out that the child themselves chose their own partner for settling down with and in this case to marry them, the parents are seen as possible weak and the child a ‘wild child’.

It’s fair to say, I have poked a bit of fun of parents, but deep down it’s something that’s thrust upon you. He/she will never be truly ready for parenthood until you are in the moment.

I am not a parent as of yet, so when I do become one, it will be hilarious in my mind, if I do any of those things that I poked fun at for parents doing.

Deep down, I am personally very blessed for my parents …. Genuinely so.I have had anxiety issues, my parents have been there for me, I suffered heartbreak from my first love.

In both of these instances where I was at an all-time low, my parents were there for me.

Quite simply, I wouldn’t be the beard I am today if it wasn’t for their love, care and support that they have shown me over the years.

That is priceless and makes me think don’t take anything for granted.

The alternate face mask

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. My brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and your beards!

Brothers, one of the best gifts in life is health, family and free time. As blessed as one is to have some of them, and even more blessed to have them all, another blessing is your beard!

Now my beloved’s you’re only too aware of my opinions on beard life. A beard, makes a man, yes, but the man must also make the beard …. this is also true. My soldiers, what I want to talk about in this message is the issue of masks.

Whether you love them or loathe them, a mask is here to stay for the foreseeable future around the world. Now, my brothers, with the mask it covers your face and protects your mouth does it not?

This is vital, the experts say to protect yourself against the virus. My brothers, a beard is the ultimate mask. A beard masks an ugly face … I am being honest a face that allows nature to dictate it is the purest face and of course a natural one.

A face becomes ugly if you change like the clean-shaven do when they betray their face day after day …. it will take its toll. Brothers did you know, it’s more hygienic to have a beard than not having one? Didn’t think so.

This propaganda of the clean-shaven will never tell you that. In this pandemic, even yours truly was told due to Covid19, I will have to shave my face, but no that’s for the people in the medical profession.

A beard, masks face rash and coldness in the winter! But amongst all that it protects us men from feminine tendencies. We are men, so be men! The beard also mask the beard itch too!

Here is the video of me talking about this on daily motion; https://www.dailymotion.com/TheBeardedCaptain

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The Beardnet

Hello and good evening my bearded soldiers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. Greetings, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue this evening, that’s the issue of the Beardnet.

Nope, it’s not a Bearded alternative to a certain broadband provider who have a clean-shaven Jessie fronting their ad campaign (I know crazy and absurd). Brothers this evening’s topic is about the nets that workers in food shops put in their hair.

Here though, I will be mentioning when our Bearded brothers have to put their beards in captivity. The official line is, it’s hygiene and on one hand, they do have a point. When you’re eating your food and you see a stray hair in the food, it’s disgusting, right?

The last thing we want is someone experience that due to beard hair going astray, and they do go astray. When we say go astray, we’re not saying the beard is being rebellious but it kinds of exercising it’s right I guess, of leaving the face when it fees necessary.

There have been times, where hair mysteriously comes in my cereal. It’s not my head hair, I am bald! It can only be my beard hair. The feeling of putting a Beardnet on your beard would no doubt be uncomfortable, but better it’s than better than Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Hair Flakes.

When playing snooker and you run the cue through your chin, but your chin is a beard, it can get uncomfortable, but also distressing. I say that because, right under your very nose your beard is getting messy, but you feel powerless.

Ok, so to raise the issue of another uncomfortable moment for your beard, I will be mentioning the moment when you put on a Coronavirus mask. The mask, as seen in the cover image (of me), is a mask that looks not too dissimilar to a mask of a surgeon.

At times, when combing your beard or trimming your tash, you need the precision of a surgeon. With those masks, it’s like your essentially practising putting your head down at the swimming pool’s deep end, the level you have to go to, to control your breathing .

On top of that, you have to deal with the fact that one, the mask puts a weird line in your beard and two it takes ages to come out! Coronavirus, it’s hoped is easing. Brothers, I know wearing masks may be uncomfortable but console yourself with this fact, clean-shaven look like what we do in our masks now.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Mental health awareness

Hello and greeting my bearded soldiers, good morning from The Bearded Captain. On a bright sunny morning, here in “MAN”chester (we beards do put the MAN, into Manchester) – I want to address an issue that some might not give the full value of the worth of it being mentioned.

That my bearded brothers is that of mental health. Although, I am no expert (far from it) I want to mention this topic because it most certainly needs a mention. Some, see it as an illness, others may not.

Maybe because mental health, isn’t necessarily a physical condition, where the effects are visible on the outside like other illnesses, but it’s still a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion time and does need to be discussed.

My bearded brother, I know being a beard, might make you feel infallible, but my brother it’s real.

Here, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to carry the work on raising awareness for #mentalhealth like I have been doing already.

Through social media, my vlog which can be found here https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/        

This showcases the many times, I am trying to use my style of comedy for positive

affects. I intend to be an ambassador of mental health issues on this site.

The aim is not to shove this down people’s throats or be so direct about it if you like. But what we want to do, is keep working on a positive mind. Comedy is one of the best ways to do this.

Laughter is the best medicine, they say, this will always be the case I feel. This is an ongoing project brother’s. We will discuss this in the future in more detail, but brothers to help propel the message of beard, I will need your support and that will include financially.

For now, I ask you all kindly, to like and share my articles in the future, as well as my video uploads. Brothers, together we are stronger and together we will hit #mentalhealth for six!

It’s over and out from The Captain … stay blessed stay beard!

Family gatherings; Asian vs Non-Asian

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My bearded beloved’s, I am here this evening to address you lovely souls.

Brothers, I hope you’re surviving in these tough times, times where you can’t fully maintain your beards (give them a trim). Brothers … this is times of lockdown, brother beard it’s binding upon you to learn skills.

Skills such as may be cooking, will go some way to achieving your goals. I am a beard who tries to lead by example. So, alhamdulillah I have learnt to make toffee crisp, kinder Bueno and Aero milkshake.

On top of that, I have learnt how to make kebabs and to prepare chicken .. before the lockdown I wouldn’t have had a clue how to do any of that. I am fortunate to be able to say, I have done this, as well as working on improving this project (The Bearded Captain).

Without too much further ado, I want to talk about today’s topic … Family gatherings Asian’s vs Non-Asian’s.

We have touched upon this in a previous post, but there are some specifics I want to mention here.

In an Asian household, if there’s for an example a family dinner on Saturday 16th May, us Asians, would probably get ready for it two weeks before. Now, in an Asian household, it’s not just the food they look out for when hosting a dinner party , the house gets attention too.

Any slight imperfections in the bathroom, the whole house gets the DIY SOS treatment. Mr Nick Knowles, if you think your programme is going stale, then search the “Asian yellow pages” (directory to find the places where Asian’s are many).

That would keep your programme going for many years to come. Now, if the bathroom isn’t quite eye blindingly gleaming, then this isn’t good enough because what will the guest’s thing about a room that’s only used for necessity rather than convenience like the living room.

As I am Asian of course, I can’t say for sure, but this doesn’t strike me as something a non-Asian would pay so much attention to detail too. A non-Asian might have a certain amount of cousins extended family but in an Asian household … well.

An extended family usually means, cousins, cousins’ sister’s wife’s brothers daughters son. If you understood that great! Because I don’t quite understand for family dinners how the Asian family tree increases at such a rate.

I am convinced sometimes, these lady and gents are Bollywood extras, hired just to make the party look that more well attended. Great for Aunties chit chat and showboating .. to show how well the gathering has been attended of course.

In a non-Asian household, I am sure they clean their house well and proper, but in an Asian household, we clean the house expecting the food standards agency to show up at any minute.

Now for the food itself, as previously mentioned in an Asian household, for family gatherings is five-star  Michelin quality.

Non-Asian household food for family gatherings, barely “tickles the surface”. A £1 bag of cheese and onion crisps served on a plate for 10 people is cute, but if you’re like me .. I can wolf that down by myself in 10 minutes.

If that doesn’t fill you up, what about the tuna triangle cut sandwiches accompanied by slices of quiche and some slices of pizza.

Good finger food there, some may say. But if you want a banquet  and not have the felling of what’s for dinner afterwards, then  take a deep breath. Let me just roll out the food menu at an Asian family gathering.

Chicken pieces, chicken roast, kebabs samosas, fish and lamb chops – that’s just the starters! Then we move on to our mains, there we have brown rice with the options of curry’s.

Vegetable curry (for the psychopaths), boneless chicken mixed in spinach (my favourite) or lamb curry. Reading this you’re probably getting hungry, then full right? There’s more, a mention needs to be made about naan or chapati as an alternative to rice.

As you can see the main’s and starters are filled with grease oil, enough oil to probably supply Saudi and the other Middle Eastern/Arab states, but don’t tell Donald!

If you manage to conquer the man versus food challenge that is an Asian food menu filled with oil and grease, then brace yourselves for the dessert. This is usually an Indian sweet dish or for the real posh Asian’s amongst the masses, there’s ice cream or chocolate cake!

The guests act shocked in an Asian household that dessert is coming. They make a tongue and cheek comment of “you have made so much, and you’ve made dessert too”, even though they knew it was coming (deep down).

The chocolate cake, the ice cream or even the Indian sweets that’s dripped in syrup, is usually diabetes in a plate.

In a non-Asian household, they probably would have a dessert of that nature too (Ice cream or cake).

Refreshments wise, in a non-Muslim non-Asian household, they would have wine or beer. As for Asian’s they have Pepsi, coke or even Rubicon Mango, who my friend swears blindly is an alcoholic drink (don’t ask).

Pepsi and coke may seem like harmless drinks, but how giddy and boisterous the Uncle’s get after dinner, you question that rhetoric and think water would have sufficed for them, especially with the drive back home to consider.

So the dinner is done, and for the non-asian household it’s 10 plates and side plates to clean and that’s the party done and dusted. If it only it was like that in an Asian household.

The night after calling over 100 people for dinner (half of the relatives probably forging their relative status to you), the time for the clean down missions begins. Bathrooms, kitchen, garage (even though no one went in there) must be cleaned spotless.

The front room, dining room and lobby need to be given a makeover too, a makeover that would make the team at Homes Under The Hammer lost for words.

Into the night this intense cleaning operation would go into and at the end of it, you would be left with leftover food that could feed Manchester for a week, but your own household for two weeks! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.