Comedy

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Mental health awareness

Hello and greeting my bearded soldiers, good morning from The Bearded Captain. On a bright sunny morning, here in “MAN”chester (we beards do put the MAN, into Manchester) – I want to address an issue that some might not give the full value of the worth of it being mentioned.

That my bearded brothers is that of mental health. Although, I am no expert (far from it) I want to mention this topic because it most certainly needs a mention. Some, see it as an illness, others may not.

Maybe because mental health, isn’t necessarily a physical condition, where the effects are visible on the outside like other illnesses, but it’s still a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion time and does need to be discussed.

My bearded brother, I know being a beard, might make you feel infallible, but my brother it’s real.

Here, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to carry the work on raising awareness for #mentalhealth like I have been doing already.

Through social media, my vlog which can be found here https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/        

This showcases the many times, I am trying to use my style of comedy for positive

affects. I intend to be an ambassador of mental health issues on this site.

The aim is not to shove this down people’s throats or be so direct about it if you like. But what we want to do, is keep working on a positive mind. Comedy is one of the best ways to do this.

Laughter is the best medicine, they say, this will always be the case I feel. This is an ongoing project brother’s. We will discuss this in the future in more detail, but brothers to help propel the message of beard, I will need your support and that will include financially.

For now, I ask you all kindly, to like and share my articles in the future, as well as my video uploads. Brothers, together we are stronger and together we will hit #mentalhealth for six!

It’s over and out from The Captain … stay blessed stay beard!

Family gatherings; Asian vs Non-Asian

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My bearded beloved’s, I am here this evening to address you lovely souls.

Brothers, I hope you’re surviving in these tough times, times where you can’t fully maintain your beards (give them a trim). Brothers … this is times of lockdown, brother beard it’s binding upon you to learn skills.

Skills, such as may be cooking, going some way to achieving your goals. I am a beard who tries to lead by example. So, alhamdulillah I have learnt to make toffee crisp, kinder Bueno and Aero milkshake.

On top of that, I have learnt how to make kebabs and to prepare chicken .. before the lockdown I wouldn’t have had a clue how to do any of that. I am fortunate to be able to say, I have done this, as well as working on improving this project (The Bearded Captain).

Without too much further ado, I want to talk about today’s topic … Family gatherings Asian’s vs Non-Asian’s.

We have touched upon this in a previous post, but there are some specifics I want to mention here.

In an Asian household, if there’s for an example a family dinner on Saturday 16th May, us Asians, would probably get ready for it two weeks before. Now, in an Asian household, it’s not just the food they look out for when hosting a dinner party , the house gets attention too.

Any slight imperfections in the bathroom, the whole house gets the DIY SOS treatment. Mr Nick Knowles, if you think your programme is going stale, then search the “Asian yellow pages” (directory to find the places where Asian’s are many).

That would keep your programme going for many years to come. Now, if the bathroom isn’t quite eye blindingly gleaming, then this isn’t good enough because what will the guest’s thing about a room that’s only used for necessity rather than convenience like the living room.

As I am Asian of course, I can’t say for sure, but this doesn’t strike something a non-Asian would pay so much attention to detail too. A non-Asian might have a certain amount of cousins extended family but in an Asian household … well.

An extended family usually means, cousins, cousins’ sister’s wife’s brothers daughters son. If you understood that great! Because I don’t quite understand for family dinners how the Asian family tree increases at such a rate.

I am convinced sometimes, these lady and gents are Bollywood extras, hired just to make the party look that more well attended. Great for Aunties chit chat and showboating .. to show how well the gathering has been attended of course.

In a non-Asian household, I am sure they clean their house well and proper, but in an Asian household, we clean the house expecting the food standards agency to show up at any minute.

Now for the food itself, as previously mentioned in an Asian household, for family gatherings is five-star  Michelin quality.

Non-Asian household food for family gatherings, barely “tickles the surface”. A £1 bag of cheese and onion crisps served on a plate for 10 people is cute, but if you’re like me .. I can wolf that down by myself in 10 minutes.

If that doesn’t fill you up, what about the tuna triangle cut sandwiches accompanied by slices of quiche and some slices of pizza.

Good finger food there, some may say, but if you want a banquet  and not have the felling of what’s for dinner afterwards, then  take a deep breath  and let me just roll out the food menu at an Asian family gathering.

Chicken pieces, chicken roast, kebabs samosas, fish and lamb chops – that’s just the starters! Then we move on to our mains, there we have brown rice with the options of curry’s.

Vegetable curry (for the psychopaths), boneless chicken mixed in spinach (my favourite) or lamb curry. Reading this you’re probably getting hungry, then full right? There’s more, a mention needs to be made about naan or chapati as an alternative to rice.

As you can see the main’s and starters are filled with grease oil, enough oil to probably supply Saudi and the other Middle Eastern/Arab states, but don’t tell Donald!

If you manage to conquer the man versus food challenge that is an Asian food menu filled with oil and grease, then brace yourselves for the dessert. This is usually an Indian sweet dish or for the real posh Asian’s amongst the masses, there’s ice cream or chocolate cake!

The guests act shocked in an Asian household that dessert is coming, and make a tongue and cheek comment of “you have made so much, and you’ve made dessert too”, even though they knew it was coming (deep down)

The chocolate cake, the ice cream or even the Indian sweets that’s dripped in syrup, is usually diabetes in a plate.

In a non-Asian household, they probably would have a dessert of that nature too (Ice cream or cake).

Refreshments wise, in a non-Muslim non-Asian household, they would have wine or beer. As for Asian’s they have Pepsi, coke or even Rubicon Mango, who my friend swears blindly is an alcoholic drink (don’t ask).

Pepsi and coke may seem like harmless drinks, but how giddy and boisterous the Uncle’s get after dinner, you question that rhetoric and think water would have sufficed for them, especially with the drive back home to consider.

So the dinner is done, and for the non-asian household it’s 10 plates and side plates to clean and that’s the party done and dusted. If it only it was like that in an Asian household.

The night after calling over 100 people for dinner (half of the relatives probably forging their relative status to you), the time for the clean down missions begins. Bathrooms, kitchen, garage (even though no one went in there) must be cleaned spotless.

The front room, dining room and lobby need to be given a makeover too, a makeover that would make the team at Homes Under The Hammer lost for words.

Into the night this intense cleaning operation would go into and at the end of it, you would be left with leftover food that could feed Manchester for a week, but your own household for two weeks! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.