funny

How to crack women (satire)

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards.

Brothers, I want to talk about the issue of the women folk.

Their rights to vote, equal pay and just a general position in society , women are a hotly debated subject.

Brothers as a man who is married and also been divorced I want to talk about some ways, some tips and methods on how to understand women better.

So my beloved’s what I want to talk about is a few different scenarios where every woman has come into this particular category/scenario.

I will tell you the first scenario, ”I am ok” or “leave me alone” an all too familiar scenario right? This is when you ask her are you okay? Then she says I’m okay but you can tell from her face she’s just not.

Sometimes she may need to be left alone. Other times, the all mighty knows best, because if you leave her alone you’re not giving her enough attention.

Yes, very confusing I know! The same thing with the, she is ok scenario, if you assume she’s ok and not say anything, it will lead to a world war.

What do you do then? I can only advise ask her are you ok, but don’t over do it, let her come to you. In this Scenario, it can be argued theres no right answer, in the case of a woman it’s always wrong answer.

Brother for this next point, don’t mention this for your own your own safety.I can’t forget to mention the how it takes her half of the day to get ready, Brother don’t mention this for your own for your own safety.

Just as long as you’re ready for that party before she is and you can sit down and read blogs like this or listen to my/ watch my videos, that’s fine.

A woman is always right, in all circumstances. No if no buts. Also note her cooking doesn’t need anymore salt, it’s perfect!

The last example, is when taking her out to dinner. Women love to be given the feeling that, they are in control. A man? He has that same thought.

So what to do here? It’s simple brothers, you pay attention to what restaurant she likes. With this this info, you make it look like you made the decision to go to the restaurant she likes.

It shows you’re decisive , but also you have her interests at heart, you’re welcome.

Brothers, also want to mention, if you ever wind up a woman… give them space. You will have to apologise to them for getting them mad, but then give them time to cool down.

When dealing with a fire, does the fire fighter attack the flames straight up? No, of course he doesn’t! He allows the flames to decrease, that’s what you’re doing here.

So that’s your guide brothers. If you bear these tips in mind, consider this that you have survived being out in the wild.

Is there any examples I missed? Let me know in the comments. It’s over and from the The Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed, stay beard!

Things what make you lose your masculinity

Hello and greetings my bearded Soldiers it’s me your Bearded captain, leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s what I want to talk about is the topic of what makes you lose your masculinity.

Shaping of eyebrows, now this is more associated with the women folk but it’s true . Despite this animated discussion I had with Some one on tik-tok, men just don’t touch their eyebrows.

What if they’re bushy like Nigel Mansell I hear you ask? Doesn’t matter! Another thing, skinny jeans!

I don’t really need to tell you why this is on the list do I? But for the naive amongst you, it looks weird and it looks like you have soiled your self when you’re walking.

Then that brings us too tight T-shirts, when you wear tight T-shirt you look like you’re in a straitjacket and you’re suffocating yourself.

Again for a similar reason to skinny jeans tight T-shirts it’s not masculine and when I say tight T-shirts uncomfortably tight.

Maybe it’s just my old-fashioned view in this regard it just doesn’t sit right with me. And another thing which I just don’t feel comfortable with is a man allowing a woman to Drive when he is perfectly capable to do so.

It just doesn’t see the gentleman thing to do. Other not gentlemanly things a Man can do is not protect his lady with an umbrella when it is raining.

I’ve seen with my own eyes on one occasion there was the standard Manchester monsoon. In this scenario one would’ve thought the man would have put the umbrella underneath lady to protect you from getting wet.

To say the Captain was disgusted? Was an understatement! Of course not having a beard makes you lose your masculinity, that goes with out saying .

The last example which makes a man loses his masculinity, is when he exposes her to the side of where the cars are coming from when they’re walking together on the footpath.

So there there you have it my bearded beloved’s the List of what makes you lose your masculinity.

Have I missed? Let me know in the comments. It’s over now from The Bearded Captain!

Stay blessed stay Beard!

The “joys” of being a couple

Hello and good evening my Bearded brothers. My name is Ayyaz Malik, aka The Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and the beard that tries to make people smile. My bearded beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue.

This my brothers, is the issue of being in a relationship ( a couple). Now, for the benefit of this blog, I want to talk about a hetro-sexual relationship. Why? Well the women folk they’re a “lovely bunch”.

I think you can sense the sarcasm in my writing tone. The woman is always right notion is like the customer is always right theory, in both cases neither usually is.

But to keep the peace, in both circumstance you say ok to save the headache. Being in a couple? Well in winter it’s great … you get frozen to death at night, when you get the blanket snatched away from you.

You then try to wrestle back your rightful half of what’s yours, but when you tug … you’re met with 20 tonnes of resistance! Do you tug to wake them up or shiver it out?

If that’s bad what about the summer? You’re already 100 degrees, but she decides right I am sleeping on you today … you’re now realising what global warming feels like right at that moment! Lord all mighty.

In this case you open the window, but nope .. she’s cold so the window? Well that stays closed of course. Now, your partner you love them through thick and thin, but then comes the issue of sharing food.

It’s charitable to share, but my chicken burger?? Man! *sobs * I love the burger in its fully beauty. She always seems to eat the sweat spot. Yeah, I get very Joey Tribiani about food.

Drinks? Well you usually get left with the bottom part of the glass, the scraping of the barrel stuff. No, no not the delicious part of the orange juice for example.

If that’s not enough, then you get the Jo-Jo (female equivalent of tomtom). No you’re right and not a GPS satellite that knows the routes via that info.

Last but not least, if you have your things set one way, most likely she will set them her way, clash of egos and personalities nightmare!

Ok, that’s enough couple bashing hahaha. I mean, I write this from the man’s perspective I am sure stuff like the toilet seat being left up must drive ladies crazy.

There are perks of being in a couple. The sharing of food, it makes your food taste that much better. The sharing of a bed, you sleep that much better next to that special person.

You know the boys will support you, but your woman will support you and help you grow. They’re the backbone of the relationship. The right woman, helps you clear your mind and get your *sh*t* in order.

We can moan about the woman all we want, but you get a good one in your life? There’s nothing better.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Dispelling some myths

Hello good evening and greeting my bearded soldiers. It’s me your bearded Captain leader of all beads and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard tries to make people laugh and I am that baby who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s. What I want to talk about this evening, is the issue of myths.

Brothers now I’m sure when you were kids you were told some real real fantasy tales let’s say .

I think you might know where I’m going with this. When you’re a kid where you told if you eat all your vegetables you will grow tall and strong?

Yeah that’s believable that’s why am 5 foot 10 and stone and a half overweight. Or if you go to sleep past 12 the witches will come to get you?

It looks like these witches don’t have GPS because they’ve not been able to find me as I am forever the night owl.

Or what about if you watch a bit of the Frankie Vaughan if you know what I mean this Stuns your growth too. Maybe that explains why I’m not six-foot then.

I was also told that sodium saccharin was worms juice and I believed it. Other characters like Father Christmas and the tooth fairy I believe straightaway they were mythical.

Maybe the other myths could be oh daddy is just going to get some milk. But some of these as I go through them and as I write them out now are a little bit embarrassing that I actually believed that these were true.

Have I missed any out my bearded beloved’s? As I was doing my research for this blog I was going to add carrots help you see in the dark being a myth.

As a matter of fact brothers it is technically true. This is science and not my bearded wisdom.

Finally my brothers man flu I thought to myself was a myth that needs to be dispelled but again it is actually true.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen here is my list of myths that I believed to be true.

Have I missed any? Let me know in the comments.

It’s over and out from the Bearded captain stay blessed stay in beard.

The Bearded Captain talks about aftershave

Hello good evening greetings my bearded soldiers it’s me your Bearded Captain.

Leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards and trendsetter of all beards on digital media.

My bearded beloved’s what I want to talk about this evening is an important issue.

We are talking about an item that’s just as dear and beloved to a bearded man (his beard comb). That brothers is his aftershave.

Now Brother beard of course there are many different types of aftershave.And there are many different smells of aftershave too.

Now my brothers this is a part of being a bearded men.

So brothers we wouldn’t use the liquid type of aftershave . Unless you obviously want to apply it across your beard.

Of course that’s an option but it seems like a bit of a waste if you to get aftershave purely for that reason the splash on as they call it.

Brothers so what you can do is get the spray aftershave or perfume and apply that on your bed with spray action.

Brothers it doesn’t particularly matter as to which aftershave you use.

But commonsense needs to prevail shortly what I mean is. Don’t use cheap aftershave.

You probably think I know it’s only £2 so it’s here it’s cheap. No brothers this is a false sense of economy.

If you wanted cheap aftershave or cheap fragrance then buy lynx. Brothers so as you know a beard is an attraction magnet from the boys and girls alike. I’m not necessarily saying you will be a babe magnet, but yeah I kind of am.

Your beard is the centre of attention. And then to compliment your face being the centre of attention you need an adequate masculine fragrance.

So I’m not saying it has to be a strong scent or it has to be a lighter scent.

It has to be an authoritative scent, which represents you a man. Authoritative means assured in this instant.

This is our equivalent to make up and foundation. A good fragrance just gives you that little lift, I assume you women can relate here.

So there you have it guys. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain. Stay blessed stay beard!

The xx debate (satire)

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile. Brothers, I want to address this issue, the issue of the xx debate.

Now, I am not talking about a Vin Diesel movie here, I am in fact talking about the “kisses” debate at the end of messages. Now, this divides opinion amongst the masses, but brothers this won’t affect your masculinity if you send the odd x to one of the boys.

Now, most think errrr that’s “so gay” ( apologies here, not offence intended), but at the same time and yes I am going to say this …. as a hetrosexual male these very males will watch men and woman … Frankie Vaughan as they say.

If they were that concerned for their sexuality then, they would watch two women performers instead, but they don’t.

The xx 99% to me is a sign of trust and love, but not like love as in I love you, but I care for you and you mean something to me (that isn’t always sexual).

What I would say is that, if you don’t feel comfortable sending the odd xx to one of the boys, are they even one of the boys? If they get insecure and say “what the hell, why are you sending xx in the message?”

Brothers doubt the friendship. I have mentioned this before, it’s ok to be bromantic with the bros. Love hearts and xx are ok to send to the bros, the right bro will send you some back and add the one or two one top.

If this happens, know you have a bromie for life. I have to tell you a tale, the tale starts like this. Brothers, this is a tale of me adding someone on Linkedin (the posh Facebook).

Now, when I added this guy we got on very well and I thought we got on that well, I could just add a cheeky x to the message.

That indeed, proved to be my downfall as this guy was incensed and said “ I am not gay and I don’t see you that way”

Annoyed, I said look bro if I was that way inclined, one thing for sure I would get a better looking guy than you , and that was that.

So there you have it brothers. If anyone sends a love heart or xx they’re not trying to get in your pants.

Obviously if you’re husband and wife who send xx or love heart that is love. My brothers it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed, stay beard!

Lockdown 2.0 by The Bearded Captain

Hello good evening greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your bearded Captain leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

My brother is here I am with an important address. This issue is the issue of lockdown.Brothers as you know there was a lockdown in the spring. And now there is a lockdown here in the autumn.

Here I Your bearded leader, want to talk about the important issue that is the lockdown that is occuring in the Autumn.

Now my bearded beloved’s, for those of you remember lockdown 1.0, then you will remember me making a botched attempt at trimming my beard. Foolishly, I didn’t embark on The Bearded craftsmen that are Scissor Kutz in Manchester before the first lockdown.

This decision cost me dearly. I went about the task of trimming my beard, and it started out well enough, but as I wanted to perfect the look, I got cocky and arrogant.

That approach cost me dearly as my beard went from long to short! You know what they say? Once you go long .. anything else seems wrong. Brothers, unfortunately I haven’t learnt from that mistake as I again have a long beard that needs taming.

Anyway, I do digress, what I want to talk about is the issue of lockdown and getting you guys a bit more prepared for it. Now, if you remember last time brothers, people got toilet paper in their *hit loads (pun intended).

Pasta and baking products were in hot demand too. I can only draw this conclusion as a result of these factors if you like. People’s pastries and cakes, what have you were that bad it gave them a bad stomach, hence the toilet paper was needed.

Guys, just keep it to beans and toast as well as Crunchy Nut corn flakes … happy days! Ok so that’s dinner sorted, maybe you can do that decorating and that gardening you put off “till tomorrow”.

Yeah, you won’t like me mentioning it guys but after you have watched all the box sets and all the episodes of Home Under The Hammer, Jeremy Vine Show and Bargain Hunt amongst others, what else is there to do?

Learn some new skills? Well I won’t be learning to play a new instrument or singing anytime soon, I fear it would rain cats and dogs if I relaxed my vocal chords a little.

I was one of those, in Primary school who would get mother to jot a note, to enable I got the special pardon here. Or maybe learn how to draw, my memory of art class (a bit sketchy .. you know what I did there).

If none of those tick the box, maybe learn how to cook? But what ever you do, make sure you keep your nearest and dearest at the forefront of your mind.

A facetime call, a zoom call … means there is no excuse! Brothers, don’t be afraid to do your bit in the house either. This isn’t the 1950″s, #realmendohousework.

My soldiers, I am proud to say I learnt how to make toffee crisp milkshake, as well as smarties milkshake too. We are beards, we lead by example … lets smash lockdown 2.0 and make sure we come out of this better beards and better men!

it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

The passing of the torch moment

Hello and good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves, but more importantly looking after your beards!

My Bearded brothers, it’s been with great privilege and honour that I can say I am your Bearded Captain, your Bearded Leader. I might not mention it too much, but as much as I lead you beards over social media and all digital media, I am also following a lead too.

That lead I am following is that of The Bearded General, Daddy Malik (aka Daddy Beard). Now, his bearded eminence The Bearded General, The Commander and Chief is a superior above a superior.

Now, it might be hard to believe, brothers that I need to be lead, but there are two figures that are above me in rank. The Bearded Alpha, Mr Ahmed Talib Rashid and of course The Bearded General Daddy Malik.

As much as The Alpha has been a priceless mentor, teacher and someone to help your Captain in his Bearded adolescence, it’s the story of The General of Beards who this story refers to.

Brothers, my dad, of course, is my mentor in life, but he is most certainly in my Bearded life too. He is the one who gives my beard the thorough inspection after I have been to The Bearded Barbers.

“It’s not level” or “It’s not cut properly below the chin and above the Adam’s apple” are just some of the criterion The General looks for when he wants to see his son and now air to The Bearded Throne.

For the loyal readers of my blog (thank you for that), you will know that I make mention of the deceased leader of Cuba Fidel Castro. Now, don’t get me wrong here guys I am not going to make any political statements here, (we don’t do that here, we try to make the people laugh and smile).

My dad would liken me to Fidel, now when he first said this I thought, maybe because I am an excellent leader in his eyes, someone who has an aura about him … nope, it was none of that! It was due to my beard being messy!

The General would never mince his words and would always give me tough Bearded Love, but when my dad came to me for advice it was a passing of the torch moment. It was Bearded advice.

So it went like this;

“Son do you have anything for there bottom of my beard underneath my chin’? At this point was so humbled and I beamed and couldn’t stop smiling. The advice didn’t stop there, my dad even took one of my beard combs too, felt like a very happy beard indeed!

On that happy note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The decorative beard

Hello and good morning my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves and your beard!

My bearded brothers, project Bearded Captain is blossoming quite nicely. 

There is the blogs, which we’re doing here, the vlogs, which can be found here; https://www.smartlightpeople.com//watch/the-story-of-how-i-grew-my-beard_azGpf68oTpmC3SB.html.

As well, as that there is the podcast which is available on the majority of Podcast platforms (which includes Pocket Cast and Spotify amongst others). A massive thanks goes to the one, who gave me my beard.

Now brothers, what I want to talk about today though, is the issue of the “decorative beard”. This is an issue, that won’t get spoken about too much, but it’s still necessary to mention this.

This topic is as literal as it sounds, it’s a beard that’s well decorated. Now, brothers, in my infancy of beard life, I had a lack of knowledge on this issue. Someone, in my work, asked;

“will you put baubles on your beard”. Upon hearing this, I thought to myself, I have never heard such a ridiculous suggestion. To me, it’s like a man wearing a headband, which is fittingly called an “Alice band”, note it’s not an Alistair band (the clue is in the detail).

Upon further investigation, I found out that beard baubles are available as well as beard clips. Brothers, if grown correctly your beard is the decorative piece of your face.

Why some have found the need, to find a product that’s not needed (beard baubles) is beyond me, it really is. The beard baubles, like the masks we were in this day and age, instead of helping the beard blossom, it, in fact, does the exact opposite!

WWE wrestler Seamus is the first person I think of when the topic of decorative beard is mentioned. The beard that he had, is the entry-level of beard.

The sides of his beard cheeks, platted may look cool, it’s far from it. Brothers, this is beard abuse. We take good care to groom and nurture our beards, baubles are to be put on a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree is of course where the gifts are stored and the face gift is where the beard is stored. Brothers, I was gifted a beard bauble set and I have worn the bearded baubles, it made the clean-shaven laugh and smile.

Everything I said still applies to the bearded baubles, but to make the clean-shaven smile is also your purpose in life, even if they make their own faces unhappy by shaving.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

How to deal with the haters

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. Brothers, as always hope you’re well and looking after yourselves & your beard!

Brothers, this topic comes back around every so often, it’s getting a tad boring, even I admit this. Having said that my brothers, this topic is an important one. That dear brothers is the issue of The haters.

My bearded beloved’s being at the top of the mountain, makes you be a moving/sitting target. What I mean whatever you do is wrong, even if it’s right it’s still wrong. I am not proud to admit this brothers, but The Captain needed to recharge mentally.

This was due to for the first time in a long time, getting negged out. Getting negged out with the comments, the criticism and the people doubting. But it has served as a reminder for me, no matter out of every 100, there will be someone who supports you.

That person for me was Jambo on Twitter (don’t remember his full ID). Anyway you sir, as I was talking about football, really gave me confidence and belief to carry on doing a Twitter live.

I have done Facebook Live, and Instagram too, but the Twittersphere was like a step into the unknown. I don’t have too much to say, other than you can get knocked down, but whatever you do brothers don’t stay there!

Some of the greatest beards rose up in terms of adversity, you my brother make sure you’re the same. You will get “a beard makes you look ugly”, you’re too young for a beard. Most of this is criticism from women.

Brothers, they’re too womanly for The Bearded look. My soldiers, look out for my next episode on my podcast series of The Bearded Captain! This was a blog to get my fingers back into action.

My body has got back into action at the gym after a three month lay off due to coronavirus. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!;

https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you