The Bearded Captain

The end is nigh brothers!

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile. My brothers, I hope you’re well, looking after yourselves and more importantly your beard!

My brothers I want to talk about an important issue in the life of beard. As you are all aware, we are in a lockdown and in a lockdown, not only have the gyms, restaurants, bars and football stadiums to the fans have been closed, but the closing down of barbers has hit us beards hard!

I never think this would be the case, but a lot of us beards have grown the equivalent of afros, but it has been. This lockdown like the other lock down has been a challenge for all beards. Some beards have been better at it than other beards, the grooming of their bead. 

Brothers, I know some of you (me included) are working from home and the perceived need to maintain your beard is seen as not necessary. My Bearded beloved’s it is necessary as the beard is your pride and enjoy. These times of lockdown have been tough, but the end is nigh .. no more botched snipping of the beard (like a certain someone did, mentioning no names). 

Well brothers, the end is nigh! On April 12th, the barbershops will be reopening in the U.K. Form an orderly queue as The Bearded Captain exercises his right for being at the front of the line as I am The Bearded Leader. 

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

My review of The Fat Pizza

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile. My brothers, I hope you’re well, looking after yourselves and more importantly your beard!

My Bearded Beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue in the life of beard. Brothers, as you know I fancy myself as a bit of a burger connoisseur. Here though, I want to talk about The Fat Pizza. Brothers, I love my pizza, but not like I love my burgers. Today was the first day I tried The fat Pizza. This pizza shop has shops across the country, so expectations were high.

Just like with a burger, I expect what I am eating to be fresh, kind to the teeth as I don’t plan a tug war with the crust and my teeth & easy on the taste buds.

For some it’s just pizza, but for me I expect that I can taste the toppings of the pizza and warm soft base as well a nice crunchy crust too, but not too crunchy which you find on non fresh pizza.

What makes a pizza is the deep pan base in my humble opinion and the way the sauce is applied.The fat pizza, mastered this perfectly! For my personal pizza choice on the day I opted for chicken and beef, being the meat lover that I am.

Was I disappointed? Absolutely not! I can’t forget the soft melting cheesy that forms like a string too, which they got right down to the T . That brothers … is magnifique pizza! The texture of pizza, the sauce, the taste of base and the crunch of crust – brothers this is “The fat pizza” in the slang term too!

On that note, Brothers These chaps are masters of the pizza, they’re worth a visit. But don’t just take my word for it. They have branches nationwide. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

When you know it’s winter (satire)

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue. My Soldiers, I spoke about when you know it’s summer in my previous blog post, in this blog post I want to share with you some signs when it’s winter.

Stating the obvious, it’s when your heating in your house in on full blast almost constantly. Yeah, that’s an obvious, but what about when you have to put those three quarter shorts to the bottom of the clothes pile and the-shirts too. The long Johns that weren’t mentioned in the summer, they’re on the tips of everyone’s lips.

With the case of the long Johns, you can say the only John that get’s mentioned in summer is our Pappa John, the pizza place. Are you coffee or a tea lover? Well, you will know it’s winter better than most, because you will crave that warm beverage even more. In the summer and when it’s hot you will not really feel the need to have coffee that many times in the day, if not at all.

Keeping it consumption based, what you feel with teas and coffee in the summer, you will tend to feel the same in winter too. When it’s cold all you want is hot food and when it’s summer you don’t.

I am not sure if this next example is just me, but you will know when winter is here when you wear a t-shirt you will feel a cold sensation not like freezing freezing cold but a cold you will only realise was there when you put your jumper on. In the summer, you will struggle to sleep due to hot and humid weather.

You will toss, turn and wrestle with the duvet, not being able to sleep with it off your body, but not being able to sleep with it on. In the winter? No such worries, initially there will be a period where your feet and part of your body will be like snow block almost, but when you sleep you sleep like a baby.

In the summer, where people are happy glowing and beaming, people are the opposite in winter maybe because it’s freezing and sunsets in the mid afternoon! I remember this with me. I went to work in darkness and came back home … in darkness! That’s enough to break a man.

Do you remember we mentioned about the ice cream man? Well the only ice cream man you get in winter is a male shrieking in a high voice (yeah that’s a dad joke). In the summer and with the weather being hot, you just want to sit in the shower days on end to cool down, in the winter?

Once you shake off the reluctance to go into to the shower due to it being freezing …. you don’t want to get out as you’re under a nice warm shower. I guess nothing changes there then. Last but not least in my opinion, when you know it’s winter time is when you see more men with beards, which is obviously to keep their face warm.

On that note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The signs of the summer (satire)

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bear of beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Brothers, I pray you’re well and I pray you’re looking after your beards! My bearded beloved’s, I want to talk about an important issue, the issue of when you know it’s summer.

Now to sate the obvious, you know it’s summer when you look outside, see the sun in the sky and there’s no need to wear a coat.

In the winter, the woolly hats and neck warmers are dusted off but when summer comes, back to the bottom of the draw it goes.

My dear brothers, I want to talk about some subtle signs of when you know it’s summer time.

The first thing that comes to mind for me, is when you hear the melody tune coming from far far away, that sound usually means one thing … an ice cream van! In the winter, they seem like they go into hibernation.

When you sense the temperature outside reaches double figures, rest assured you will hear the melody tune and an engine roaring in the sunset coming into the sun, you will know it’s an ice cream van looking for kids who want ice cream.

I am not talking about, in the back of the van stuff there, just thought I would clarify.

Other signs of the summer is you will see people more happy. Obviously when it’s Christmas time, everyone is beaming on the outside and in, but when it’s summer time .. the happiness is different, it just is.

Men, will be walking around with their t-shirts off and bare chested, sorry let me correct that comment, it usually tends to be the boys who go topless when the temperature reaches double figures.

The men from Newcastle, aren’t afraid to take their shirt off even when it’s minus temperature!

Stating the obvious, with this next example, but people tend to dust off the sunglasses in the summer time.

There’s only one person, who truly rocks the sunglasses and that’s the Phons in Happy Days. No one and I mean no one makes sunglasses look good quite like he does, Hey! *in Phonsy voice*

True story, I realised the wife of a TV presenter, came to my dad’s shop and in the winter I saw her and he daughter with sunglasses on and yes it looked really weird. Summer won’t be summer, if you don’t bring out the shorts from the bottom depths of the wardrobe.

In the winter, legs are locked up till lunch! In the summer, those bad boys are whipped out for the world to see.

Fellas, just make sure those legs aren’t crusty or even skinny! If you’re bringing those legs out of the wilderness, no one wants to see crusty legs or skinny ones.

Images like those scar the average man for years on end. My sister, my God haver mercy on her soul, would tease my by saying I had ‘lady legs’.

Fellas, if your leg game isn’t up to it, hit the gym and don’t skip leg day! Not chicken leg day, no I mean the quads, hamstrings, calves and quads need working.

Last but not least, in my opinion one of the signs that tells you it’s summer time is when fizzy drinks go in the freezer.

Brothers, don’t do what I did and leave it in the freezer for too long, because you would be greeted with an ice explosion and burst plastic bottle with unprecedented amount of ice everywhere.

Entering that scene, you would have thought it was part of the Antarctic, but no it was just my kitchen!

On that note brothers, there is a list of the signs of when you know it’s summer time. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Just don’t be one of those people

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue, it’s the topic of not being one of those people.

There’s always one, the odd one out. People who don’t spell their name right. “Hanna’, I am talking to you here and ‘Stephen’, yeah this is aimed at you. But brothers, what I am referring to here is the people who wear shorts in -2 degrees temperature or in any weather for that matter.

Dude, what’s wrong with you? Do you want Pneumonia? I am sorry, but I am gonna be blunt here, that’s like one of the hookers on a cold night. No matter the weather, she will always have the short skirt on, which is just weird, don’t be one of those people. Other people you shouldn’t be like are those who wear socks and sandals.

Are you a Geography teacher? No, didn’t think so …. but the people who do this (wear socks and sandals) well, let’s just say like Wethers Originals (you know what I mean). So more example of people that you shouldn’t be like are those who wear leather-strapped gentleman watches with a tracksuit.

Brothers, it just looks odd. This post borders on, my previous post of signs of a psychopath, which can be found here; https://ayyazmalik.com/2020/08/24/signs-of-psycho-satire/

My Bearded Soldiers, I am back after a little break, and that’s your list for now. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The toughest job interview (satire)

Hello and greetings, my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, here I talk about an issue in the world of beards. Here, brothers, I talk about the toughest job interview known to man.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The second Album

Hello and Greetings My Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people laugh.

My brothers, I pray you’re looking after yourselves and your beard! My beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue, the issue of what I called the Second Album.

The second album phrase is one which is commonly used. Some use the phrase for football teams in their second season after getting promoted to the Premier League or the music second album.

I want to use this analogy though for trying a takeaway for the second time, after liking it for the first time when you try it.

To be more specific with my example it’s the example of New York Crispy, a chicken Takeaway shop on Wilmslow road.

On my previous blog, which can be found here https://ayyazmalik.com/2021/01/16/the-theory-proved-wrong/, I declared my love for New York Crispy after trying them for the first time.

I am delighted to say, New York Crispy was just as good as the first time. The red salt chip goodness and the chicken burger oozing in curry sauce to perfection was just looooovely.

Warm soft burger, a lovely textured chicken that was not too crunchy and the curry sauce that didn’t get on my top.

This couldn’t have been said last time! So there you have it brothers. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

When you know you’re in an Asian’s house (Satire)

Hello and greetings, here is a satirical look on how you know you’re in an Asian house. I hope you enjoy!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

T-shirts now available ❤️

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, in this video, I give you more info on how you can get your hands on some Bearded Products.

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain!

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The perfume guide by The Bearded Captain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves and your beards! My beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue, and that is the issue of men’s perfume/mens fragrance. To almost carry on from the last blog post about how to wear confidence, which can be found here;

https://ayyazmalik.com/2021/01/23/how-you-can-wear-confidence/

Bearded Soldiers, I can’t state enough the need to have a good fragrance. Now, I am not going to say you should wear one, with this kind of scent, or that kind of scent, but what I will say is, brothers your fragrance is part your identity own it!

What I want to do in this post is share with you three must have fragrances!

Davidoff Run Wild

In this blog post my beloved’s I want give you some humble suggestions from my own opinion in terms of what are a good fragrances. Davidoff Run Wild, has been a personal favourite of mine for some time. Arguably, it might not be as new as other fragrances on the market, but it’s an unmistakably a masculine smell.

Not too strong and not too sweet, Davidoff Run Wild has a pleasant Citrus smell to the nose. As this is Eau De Toilette (nope not errr de toilet) the fragrance just like with other Eau De Toilette fragrances won’t last as long as the Eau De Parfum.

Having said that, it’s still a nice fresh scent (it will get you compliments, I have had plenty) and will bring out the inner confidence in you. You can get this on the internet for approximately £35 for 100ml (3.3 fl oz)

Victor NO9

Next on my list is a bit left-field, it’s Milton Lloyds’ Victor NO9. This is available in a 50ml bottle and an 83 ml bottle. It appear to the naked eye, like it’s a deodorant but the smell and durability of the scent, isn’t that of a conventional deodorant.

This was gifted to me by my good friend. As much as I appreciated the gesture, what I didn’t expect was that this fragrance would be as wonderful as it is.

Best gift, I could have been given!

Sweet, but not too sweet, Victor NO9 has an undeniable masculine underlining smell. The only bad thing about this, is the biggest that it comes in (from what I have seen is 83 ml). What I advise with this fragrance is you can get a twin pack for £11.99 (you’re most welcome to message me for more info).

Hugo Boss Infinite

In my list bothers, these are fragrances that I have bought. The third and final fragrance on my must have fragrance list is Hugo Boss infinite. Bottled in the signature Hugo Boss bottle, the infinite is a worthy member of this list.

I, do favour a more darker smell, but the Infinite smells are blended to perfection. Just like Run Wild, I would recommend the 100ml bottle. There are some fragrances that are too heavy and strong and if you don’t apply them correctly can be over powering.

Christian Dior’s Sauvage comes into mind here. A wonderful fragrance it is, but you can smell someone from the other side of the road, when they decide to what I call swim in it.

Brothers Infinite isn’t one of those smells, it’s a nice fresh smell . In my humble opinion, the key to a good smell is you can smell, that you smell good. Yeah, it’s nice for someone to able to smell a nice smell from you. It’s better than smelling like a skunk!

With these fragrances, these are all fragrances which I have tried, there a few honourable mentions So this is my list brothers, do you agree with this list, or is there any more that I can try ?

Let me know in the comments, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86