The Bearded Captain

So when do you know you have a big beard? (Satire)

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, as always I say I hope you’re well and looking after your beards.

My brothers, I am sure you remember when I was going through the painful ordeal of being reduced to the life of a short bearded man. If you don’t then it’s that you don’t actually read my blog (have shame bearded one … just joking – but read my blog).

Bearded Soldiers, you will remember the painful ordeal I talked about and the misery that I felt, the moment it sunk that I cut it too short. There was a lot to sink in that day, including my beard hair! *whaling* (even though I told a cracking pun if I say so myself).

Thankfully, my Bearded Companions, the Bearded ease has come after the Bearded hardship, my beard is longer again! How do I define a long beard I hear you ask? Don’t worry young Bearded one, your Captain is here.

To define a long beard is simple and if these few examples apply to you then congratulations my Bearded brethren, you’re a long beard! Now, only the select few and the pinnacle of beards grow the Merlin beard (a long beard, very long but immaculate in its maintenance).

So the first sign of when your beard has gone long is when you see it puff out on the sides. With a short beard, you wouldn’t have that problem. Let me guess? You too have also tried to “comb” your beard with your hand or aggressively pat down your facial pride and joy.

If this isn’t one sign, there is of course food now getting stuck in there (what I call the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard). If you grow it long enough, you could probably keep your secret diary in there.

Another sign is when you feel your beard getting blown from side to side to side the wind, with a short beard your face just gets cold. Brothers, be sure to keep your comb with you and when your beard does get blown around, it’s not the end of the world.

Honourable mentions need to be mentioned for when you wash your face with a long beard and splash the water on your beard, the water stays there, with a short beard the water doesn’t stay it gets absorbed by the skin quicker.

Also, with a long beard, the beard hairs can sometimes come into your mouth without prior warning. Now, I know your beard smells nice, but it’s not edible so it won’t taste nice.

The last obvious sign for me though, however, is when you’re zipping up a coat and a jacket, you run the risk of your beard hair getting stuck in the zip as you do it. Does this happen with a short beard? No!
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

 

The Beardnet

Hello and good evening my bearded soldiers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. Greetings, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue this evening, that’s the issue of the Beardnet.

Nope, it’s not a Bearded alternative to a certain broadband provider who have a clean-shaven Jessie fronting their ad campaign (I know crazy and absurd). Brothers this evening’s topic is about the nets that workers in food shops put in their hair.

Here though, I will be mentioning when our Bearded brothers have to put their beards in captivity. The official line is, it’s hygiene and on one hand, they do have a point. When you’re eating your food and you see a stray hair in the food, it’s disgusting, right?

The last thing we want is someone experience that due to beard hair going astray, and they do go astray. When we say go astray, we’re not saying the beard is being rebellious but it kinds of exercising it’s right I guess, of leaving the face when it fees necessary.

There have been times, where hair mysteriously comes in my cereal. It’s not my head hair, I am bald! It can only be my beard hair. The feeling of putting a Beardnet on your beard would no doubt be uncomfortable, but better it’s than better than Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Hair Flakes.

When playing snooker and you run the cue through your chin, but your chin is a beard, it can get uncomfortable, but also distressing. I say that because, right under your very nose your beard is getting messy, but you feel powerless.

Ok, so to raise the issue of another uncomfortable moment for your beard, I will be mentioning the moment when you put on a Coronavirus mask. The mask, as seen in the cover image (of me), is a mask that looks not too dissimilar to a mask of a surgeon.

At times, when combing your beard or trimming your tash, you need the precision of a surgeon. With those masks, it’s like your essentially practising putting your head down at the swimming pool’s deep end, the level you have to go to, to control your breathing .

On top of that, you have to deal with the fact that one, the mask puts a weird line in your beard and two it takes ages to come out! Coronavirus, it’s hoped is easing. Brothers, I know wearing masks may be uncomfortable but console yourself with this fact, clean-shaven look like what we do in our masks now.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Dispelling a myth

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers, good evening it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards.

I pray you’re well and looking after your beards, as well as maintaining them.

My brothers, we have seen, as well as discussed several scenarios and dealt with them along the way.

The Covid-19 issue is ongoing, but as your leader, I have addressed this issue and offered solutions.

The winter beard and summer beard is the further examples of challenges we beards face .

Now, brothers, we know that the clean-shaven “man” is a sworn enemy to the beard. They will try to use many tricks to deceive you.

What about when it gets really hot, like scorching hot (like it’s been for the past three/four days) they will say.

Beards, the beard hasn’t gone and melted in this way weather so why should you get rid of it? Heat doesn’t kill your beard it only enhances it!

In the heat, your beard is like your face sweatband, the same way the head sweatband does its thing.

When there’s sunshine, a clean-shaven face is likely to feel irritation and may even attract a rash.

With a bearded face, this pretty much covers this concern and allays those fears. The clean-shaven, love to use many diversion tactics and excuses.

One of their excuses has been, Captain “you never say anything to the ones who have a moustache only”.

Very well clean-shaven Jessie, in this blog post you will get your wish. Now, the one’s who have a moustache and shave their face .. are still cleanly shaven.

Now, just because they don’t get mentioned by name, don’t think they’re out of the firing line.

They’re the crossbreeds. They try to show that they’re not like clean-shaven because they have facial hair.

No, that’s lip fluff .. a bit of hair you have kept under your lip for god knows what reason.

Nope, you’re not Poirot, Yosemite Sam or Astrix, and even they shouldn’t keep moustaches.

Some keep the moustache and resemble a Mexican drug lord and some look suited to the adult film industry.

When you drink your cup of tea or have a glass of water, it’s like your moustache is too. Now, some smartasses might say but food gets stuck in the beard so what’s your point?

Well with this scenario, you can comb the crumbs out and wash your beard, but you can’t do that with a tash.

Taking of eating, even when you’re eating your food, your lip fluff goes in your mouth too, so it’s like you’re eating your moustache… yuk!

Now, brothers, some try to make their moustaches “fashionable”.

This blog will most certainly upset the Asian uncle and the odd auntie too hehe (you know what I mean) but as Bearded Leader, I preach what needs to be preached.

The clean-shaven will try to brainwash you with the Hugo Boss adverts and the Hugo Boss kind of man (models who are clean-shaven), but don’t be duped we know their game.

Their moustached counterparts looked to have learnt some of their tricks too. In poetic style Asian uncles say in Urdu maybe as an emotional guilt trip tactic.

According to them if you don’t have a moustache you don’t have anything, which is nonsense.

Brothers, a moustache can be grown, but you need your beard too.

The godfather and pinnacle of all beards said: “Grow your beards and trim your moustaches”.

I leave you with that thought. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

So your beard is growing longer? Let’s talk

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards. Good morning to you all (it was at the time of typing anyway).

My bearded beloved’s I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and maintaining your beeeeeards! *cries uncontrollably*.

As I am sure you remember ( I can’t forget as I am still traumatised) that I had a beard trimming mishap where my luscious bearded locks perished … and I was left with a short beard! *stops the tears rolling down his cheeks*.

That was two weeks ago, but the pain is still fresh. In this case, time isn’t a good healer, but it will heal my face and put it back to its rightful facial settings of being a long-bearded man.

I am not saying there’s anything wrong with being a short beard, but when you go long anything else seems wrong. My beard comb is trying to claim redundancy from me, I am convinced of it.

What was a proud shiny wooden comb, appears to be collecting dust. I know I preach, thou shall not forget his beard the same way he/she won’t forget their phone, but I don’t fancy combing my skin essentially, that’s just weird.

It’s been tough seeing my brothers with long beards and me with a short one. I will never be jealous, that’s not fitting of a beard to be jealous but what I do feel is regret that I could have had such a cavalier approach when it came to maintaining my pride and joy.

There is some good news in what has been a sad tale for all beards so far …. my beard is growing back! What was once a beard that didn’t leave my face, I am delighted to report the beard hairs have grown out and all be it a little bit, my beard hairs are growing off my face.

The side of the beard is puffed out and now needs combing, moisturizing and oiling down – I have not needed to do that in many weeks. Some think it’s a bad thing, but the beard itches have returned too!

Most of you would have watched Superman and saw when he started to realise he had powers and could see through walls, beard growth on my face makes me feel like that. Or when Peter Parker (Spiderman) realised he could climb walls and release a web from his palm.

To emphasise the point, remember when Wolverine from X-Men realized he had claws? Yeah, this what it feels like when your beard grows out. A longer beard has it’s challenges of course it does, but look at those superheroes and how they find their superpowers.

Brothers if you grow your beard properly, with love care, affection but most importantly using TLB (tender love of beard) then you will unlock your superpower to the world.

Bearded brethren, you’re handsome because the one who gave you the beard gave you your looks, but he made you even more handsome because he made you look like a man.

One last thing, if you want to trim your beard … really take care and don’t do what I did!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, I go by the name of the Beeear, Beeeearded Captain *tries to control his cries*. Brothers, in the four years that I have been Bearded Leader, and very proudly been Bearded Leader, never ever has a challenge like this come to the fore.

My brothers, the challenge that I am referring to is that of the short beard! Brothers, please don’t misunderstand me, I have said a beard is 1% growth and 99% attitude – this is still the case.

Having said that though, once you go long, anything else is so wrong. Shaving the beard … well, let’s not go there, or shaping a goatee and even having a short skin beard. In previous blogs and videos, I have mentioned them even as master craftsmen (the bearded barber).

With the lockdown in place and the clean-shaven Boris Johnson & most of the other MP’s in the cabinet being beardless too, then it seemed inevitable this was going to happen. A longer beard might be prone to getting food stuck in it, or getting messy too, but when looked after it’s the treasure to your face.

Having to go short beard due to my shoddy scissor work, is like Dec being without Ant – Laurel being without Hardy … or even cheese being without the onion! *cries in the corner*.

A man with a beard is like a lion, I feel like a kitten hitting their form of puberty, I am declawed, this is testing times in beard life! Don’t try this at home my bearded superiors said, I sadly gave them the finger salute, but why!

I am young, naive and a tad rebellious. Lockdown has made me explore new skills, the master of being a beard craftsman, no doubt takes years, decades to master … but I have ran before I could walk.

As I cut the luscious locks off, I am sure I saw water in that very beard I cropped … they must have been beard tears. Just like someone with curly hair, you should never shave your head, someone with a long beard shouldn’t crop their beard really short – sadly like mine now.

I even put aftershave in my beard this morning like what I normally and the fragrance was directly absorbed by my cheeks, I don’t think I have felt that sensation since I was 19!

If you don’t understand my pain,  Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!

So there you have it my beards, the sad tale of why you shouldn’t try this at home. *bows head low* it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain*

Mental health awareness

Hello and greeting my bearded soldiers, good morning from The Bearded Captain. On a bright sunny morning, here in “MAN”chester (we beards do put the MAN, into Manchester) – I want to address an issue that some might not give the full value of the worth of it being mentioned.

That my bearded brothers is that of mental health. Although, I am no expert (far from it) I want to mention this topic because it most certainly needs a mention. Some, see it as an illness, others may not.

Maybe because mental health, isn’t necessarily a physical condition, where the effects are visible on the outside like other illnesses, but it’s still a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion time and does need to be discussed.

My bearded brother, I know being a beard, might make you feel infallible, but my brother it’s real.

Here, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to carry the work on raising awareness for #mentalhealth like I have been doing already.

Through social media, my vlog which can be found here https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/        

This showcases the many times, I am trying to use my style of comedy for positive

affects. I intend to be an ambassador of mental health issues on this site.

The aim is not to shove this down people’s throats or be so direct about it if you like. But what we want to do, is keep working on a positive mind. Comedy is one of the best ways to do this.

Laughter is the best medicine, they say, this will always be the case I feel. This is an ongoing project brother’s. We will discuss this in the future in more detail, but brothers to help propel the message of beard, I will need your support and that will include financially.

For now, I ask you all kindly, to like and share my articles in the future, as well as my video uploads. Brothers, together we are stronger and together we will hit #mentalhealth for six!

It’s over and out from The Captain … stay blessed stay beard!

What it means to be a beard

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (leader of all beards on digital media). It’s been a pleasure to call myself that for the four years that I started this project.

All thanks go to the one, who gave me my facial treasure, the face medallion my beard. The journey in bearded leadership has been close to smooth sailing. Thanks and praise must go the one who gave me my beard.

Just yesterday, it’s emerged, however, that I have work to do and any success I feel I might have had, I need to learn to stay humble and modest. This persona is a tongue in cheek persona. You, my soldiers, are aware no doubt of this.

The world of the internet is a place where it’s like a separate realm almost. People can hide behind a computer and say anything and almost get away with it.

On the youtube part of the project, a youtube user after five months (yes you read that right) decided to comment on one of my old videos and tell me I look like a terrorist (apparently).

I find it ironic, due to the work we have done to challenge this stereotype. Of course, we can’t always issue a rebuttal to each person, but my beards this is a reminder to us all.

The reminder is two-fold, the first part is we can’t issue a rebuttal on each hate mail we get, sometimes silence is golden. Second lesson though is when we issue a response, or shall I say if we do, then we need to be measured in how we respond.

If you fight fire with fire, both will get burnt. The way to tackle a fire is with water. My beards, we make them laugh and we show them we are excellent in manners.

A real beard doesn’t stand for any harm caused to their face (shaving beard), so how can we stand for the killing of innocents? (Men, ladies, children – young and old).

The Captain has said this, and he will say it again, he/she who thinks it’s ok to kill innocent people without reason, The Captain is free of you. You have no right to sit on my table. 

The Bearded Pledge (A beard, will always be 1% growth, 99% attitude with the ability to make them laugh!). Lastly, #saynototerrorism. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.