The Bearded Commandments

Hello My Soliders Your Captain Is Still Here Don’t Worry

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I know what you’re going to say and I can say that I am sorry in advance, but my soldiers Alhamdulillah I am in good health and my beard is stealing the show like it always is.

So where have I been I hear you ask? My soldiers I have been around don’t worry … I have been introducing myself to the world of Facebook (crazy place I know) and Instagram.

My beloved soldiers, on both Insta and Fb I have received a lot of love from my followers, who have since become loyal followers of The Bearded Movement. For that I do this blog to thank you all.

So with jokes, witty banter and unbelievable Beard Quotes, the world of Facebook understand what The Captain is all about. My message is only truly getting out there now … my soldiers I have to report of one casualty … in the time that I have not been here on this blog.

Mr Marcus Nicholson, my one time trusted right hand bearded man … has only gone and done a Russell Crowe …. he has shaved his beard  *** cries uncontrollably**** . The lure of money has got the better of him.

I loved you my beloved solider, but no one is bigger than their face fur. No one! As tough as an act he is to follow, The Bearded Show must go on. So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog to address you all.

My colleagues in work, greet me with The Bearded Salute, address me as Captain and write emails calling me Captain … one colleague has gone further gifted me with so much beard products! I could open up a beard grooming shop with the amount of product I have lol.

Yes, he maybe a fellow beard and The Bearded Commander, but you don’t get such a title as a god given right … no sir it’s on merit. You Mr David Hollier have shown over the past few months, you’re an exceptional beard … thanks guys!

I also do live Facebook broadcasts and let my FB followers into the world of The Bearded Life, the life that is truly rock and roll. Clean shaven, people please tell me, does anyone stop you in the street and say “O nice face mate” …. I thought so,so let’s just leave that discussion there shall we.

Anyway guys, thanks for your support means a lot. I forgot to mention, my beard Alhamdulillah won my team lunch, not once but twice … yeah I know I should win a nobel peace prize for my awesome work to beards.

It’s over and out and from your Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

The Bearded Captain; “Don’t Do A Brosnan Guys”

2017-01-25-photo-00000583

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, don’t do a Brosnan for he is a beard who only grew his beard just to keep himself relevant.

 

Hello, greetings and good evening from me your Bearded Captain. I am sorry I haven’t been around of late my beloved soldiers, please forgive me for this. As much as I love you wonderful souls, The Captain has been in Bearded Hibernation.

What that means, boys and girls – ladies, gentleman and clean shaven men is that The Captain was having some time to ponder Bearded Life and the magnificence that comes with the Territory of being The Bearded Captain.

Without further ado, I would like to address today’s issue of not doing a Brosnan. What’s a Brosnan I hear you ask? Well, my soldiers, it is this ….. I would like to think you’re all aware of the ninth Bearded Commandment … (Thou Shall Not Allow The Celebrity Status Of His Beard Get to His Head).

With the Brosnan law, it’s  kind of the opposite of this commandment but needs to be mentioned all the same. The Brosnan law is simply this, I am sure my soldiers you remember Pierce Brosnan who starred in several Bond films.

As I am sure you’re aware the James Bond Character is clean shaven, (don’t get me started please on that topic). In his youth, Brosnan sported a clean shave and was in several Bond films and seemed irresistible to the boys and girls alike.

The thing is though, the world is slowly but surely catching on to the facade of clean shaven people. I mean look at Brosnan’s  later films he has been sporting a beard, the director must read my blog or even be an undercover fan of The Captain.

But the issue is as soon as Pierce Brosnan’s career looks to be going down hill, he decides to grow a beard. Why couldn’t he have been bearded when he was James Bond?

What young guys only look good with a clean shave, what bout The Captain? MashaaAllah I look awesome because I have a beard. My soldiers a beard is for life and not just for winter or when you think your career is going down the pan you draw upon the fame that a beard gives you.

This blog is very much addressing Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, but he who thinks he can grow a beard when he is old to still feel relevant, be warned you will not be amongst my elite.

Every beard is judged by its intention, but don’t take advantage of the beard and abuse its awesomeness. Bearded brothers, you need the beard, not the other way round. The Beard is nature’s way, a beard is a man’s way of saying he is happy in his inner self.

You, my bearded soldier, can be happy with your inner self too. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

The Bearded Captain,A Real Life Example Of The Consequences Of Shaving

2017-01-25-photo-00000583

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers below is a real-life example of what happens when a commandment is broken.

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well and in the process of growing beards. I want to address one of The Bearded Commandments with a real life example.

The Bearded Commandment in question is the commandment that is “Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard”. A stating the obvious commandment you may think, but my soldiers you will be surprised the necessity of raising the issue.

Step forward my colleague at work Mr. Andrew Cutts. Cutts, the ladies man or Sensai Cutts as he is known to us folk at work is quite the inspirational figure in our office. Despite being clean shaven, my soldiers he has been a crucial person in the life of The Bearded Captain.

He is quite a remarkable case, I say this because despite being a clean shaven Jessie, he still does have the humor and charms to woo the boys and girls. If I was to be favorable to the self-appointed “top dog”, then I would say this he does have a week long stubble.

But unforgivably he has shaved his stubble off and gone back to looking like a child. As upsetting as that has been to see as your Bearded Captain and his Bearded Captain, this next thing was the most upsetting.

The issue in specific question is this, Andrew much to my delight came into work with a lovely well maintained and well-groomed beard. When he walked into the room, he walked into work with the swag one comes to expect when you have a beard.

Compliments were many and the looks of awe were many. “Cutts, that well suits you lad” and other comments from your truly such as “Cutts you beautiful man”! Compliments like those would naturally massage the ego of any man and Mr. Cutts is naturally no different.

That actually brings me on to my next point. With all those compliments and the massaging of ego, it naturally would beg the question why would one shave such magnificence on their face off their face?

Well, that’s what Cutts did the very next day. I mean how many more compliments do you want? His actions left me completely dumbfounded, (that’s, to put it mildly). I wasn’t the only one to be left in a state of disbelief by the top dog’s actions.

My colleagues were equally as shocked as I was. The previous day, all Mr Cutts received was glowing praise and admiration from all, but the day after he committed the despicable act (shaving his beard) it appeared obvious that nature was out to teach Andrew a lesson.

Andy himself was looking for the admiration from those very same people that he was getting from the people the day before, but I am sorry Andrew Cutts, I know you are a unique case of being someone who has powers of humour despite being clean shaven, but it went to show that even you need a beard to be relevant.

You were surprised when you received the admiration of the people one day, but not the next, but don’t be surprised by such a reaction. The Beard makes you, and you don’t make it ….. Do not forget that my soldiers!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; The Bearded Commandements

15055795_1170372786382171_7707986193791229281_n

Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from the bearded captain. I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah. Even as your captain, I must apologise and say that sorry for not being “around”.

You see the thing is, I was just testing you all to see how you would react when there’s no one around. Would the mice come out to play, when the top cat is away? You have answered this with an emphatic yes!

Hence why I am needing to do this bearded address, or beardress? (Thanks I am here all night) . Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman I need to add some more commandments to The Bearded Commandments. As discussed before this isn’t designed to burden you o bearded one, no! Rather the opposite, it’s meant to make your bearded life easy.

The Bearded Commandments will be 10, but as I said before they’re designed to not over burden you, my son. O contrary sir, O contrary. My young bearded soldier, remember The Bearded Pledge, you need to remember this because if you become a better beard, you become a better man, yes sir!

What is The Bearded Pledge? I hear you ask, young bearded one it is this, “A  beard is 1% growth 99% attitude and the ability to make people laugh and smile”, you won’t be as funny as me or as much of a charmer of the boys and girls like myself 😉  …. it’s best I tell you now so you don’t heart broken later on life. You should stroke your beard with a comb when you say the pledge in a ponderous wizardry manner even.

Ok, so boys and girls here are The  Bearded Commandments in full;

1. Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard (obvious I know but, yeah)
2.Thou shall give the bigger beard way (unless I come into the equation 😉  hehe.

3.Thou shall not forget his comb-like he would never forget his mobile phone.

4. *Thou shall perfume his beard and ensure it’s well groomed making sure it’s combed, neat and not wavy*.

*A wavy beard shows a man who lacks direction in life. If his beard goes in so many directions, how do you expect this guy to have direction in life? Ladies, you’re welcome, the other point about perfuming your beard ….. well that’s simple really, the beard is the most important part of the body.

5. Thou shall give another bearded brother a running bro hug if he compliments his beard in public. (Please note if a clean shave compliments your beard just only gives him a high-five in extreme circumstances, but a “cheers thanks mate”, should suffice.

6. Thou shall treat his woman with respect the same way he treats his beard with respect. (guys remember, you need your beard, not the other way round, PS ladies, if you see a man who has a beard know he is patient one and if you see his beard well cared for, know that he will care for you with all his heart too ….. you’re welcome).

7. Don’t directly look at another beard for more than five seconds without your Beardy ray glasses. (This is for health and safety. The man fur when well looked after, mashaaAllah it’s beautiful and is like a shining light).

8.  Thou shall straighten his beard once every three months, why so long? No, it’s not long if you look after it of course.

9. Thou shall not allow his beardy celebrity status get to get to his head, (be humble and don’t forget your beginnings, we were all clean shaven once. I know it’s tough to imagine, sorry to bring this up, but rules are rules ).

10. A beard, it’s not for girls. (Sorry I am not sexist, but I have had a few females on my social media in the past applying to be a bearded soldiers. Sorry ladies, it’s “bearded brothers” not sisters. )

If we follow these rules to start, one will live an easy life. Know that being a beard isn’t about growing facial hair. Some disobedient beards have shaved their beards off ! *Gasps for air* sorry guys, but it’s true. His punishment will be a good old donkey scrub in front of the beards he betrayed, this is the punishment if you don’t follow the first commandment.

Us beards, not only are we good beards, but we are good people too, don’t forget this. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Commandments!

15055795_1170372786382171_7707986193791229281_n

Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence. Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my soldiers are ok inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards! Just like yesterday, I have an important issue to make you aware of, this my bearded brothers is the issue of The Bearded Commandments.

The Bearded Commandments is only available in  blog form (from this blog). There are several  bearded commandments, but don’t think I am over bearing you o bearded one. It’s simple, if you follow these bearded commandments, I promise you, inshaaAllah you will win in life.

Bearded brothers, I am a testament to the bearded commandments and again I thank The Commander and Chief for being such a good teacher to me. Yes, he did give me a lot of tough love which included a few demotions in the bearded ranks.

I can’t lie, it did hurt immensely, but it has made me the beard I am today (Gorgeous to men and women alike,Allah Huma Barik) and being a beacon if light through my beard. So below I will give you a list of The Bearded Commandments, which even myself as The Captain adheres to each and every day.

To not over burden you bearded brothers, I will give you a few commandments each day.

Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard; No But’s!

You might be surprised this is an actual commandment, but as discussed in yesterday’s post I have to mention this, it’s simple I can’t afford any more disloyal soldiers in the ranks.

If you shave your beard, you will lose your powers of seduction of the boys and girls, as well as your magic powers of making people laugh. If you become clean shaven, then you will just turn into a “normal guy”.

Bearded broother you are not just normal, you are unique and magnificent (MashaaAllah).

It goes without saying, you will have to buy your clothes from Baby Gap or Mothercare because you resemble the look of a baby and you will not be allowed into the men’s toilets either.

Bearded brother, it’s so much better to be different …. don’t be like sheep, rather be like the lone wolf, but you are the leader of the pack because the “wolfs” will follow you because of your beard, don’t forget this!

Thou Shall Give The Bigger Beard The Right Of Way ….. Always!

This law is quite simple really, if you are walking down a narrow road or in your car etc, you will give way to your big bearded brother. The reason is simple, shorter bearded one you haven’t attained the level of  patience of your longer bearded brother.

In The Bearded Commandments we don’t believe no race is superior to another, but having a longer beard has certain perks you won’t get with having a shorter beard. Failure to adhere to this rule would lead to not being able to sit near me at the  of the round table and furthermore you would have to sit as far as away from me as possible.

We are united by the beard brothers. I mentioned this before, you are a boss because of your beard. Remember this phrase and inscribe this into your hearts bearded brothers, “the beard made you who you are and you are nothing without your beard”

Thou Shall Carry A Comb In His Pocket Like He Does His Mobile Phone

Again this is another obvious rule, in the list of The Bearded Commandments. You must never forget your comb, ever! As mentioned in a previous blog, your beard messy is like a rough diamond, a diamond isn’t beautiful rough so why allow your man fur to be like such?

A well-groomed beard is what gives you your man powers and this is what makes you win at life and be nearly as funny as I am. When you leave your phone at home, that sinking feeling follows …. leaving your comb at home is much worse than that.

“It’s only 20p and you can get some from the £1 shop”,is a comment which I will not be tolerated, no sir!  Bearded brother the last time some one said that, guess what happened? That person wasn’t  mentioned  for 30 days. They were not to be sat with or their food  to be shared with for 30 days either.

Cherish your comb, it’s an unsung hero in your life due to the beard being well combed, you will have to wear special beardy glasses to protect yourself from your eyes being damaged, if you look at a fellow beard directly.

Bearded soldiers, worry not if you follow these rules to start with, the other rules will come naturally. If you become a better beard, you will have become a better man

15055795_1170372786382171_7707986193791229281_n

Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence

inshaaAllah. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.