The Commander and Chief

Hello My Soliders Your Captain Is Still Here Don’t Worry

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I know what you’re going to say and I can say that I am sorry in advance, but my soldiers Alhamdulillah I am in good health and my beard is stealing the show like it always is.

So where have I been I hear you ask? My soldiers I have been around don’t worry … I have been introducing myself to the world of Facebook (crazy place I know) and Instagram.

My beloved soldiers, on both Insta and Fb I have received a lot of love from my followers, who have since become loyal followers of The Bearded Movement. For that I do this blog to thank you all.

So with jokes, witty banter and unbelievable Beard Quotes, the world of Facebook understand what The Captain is all about. My message is only truly getting out there now … my soldiers I have to report of one casualty … in the time that I have not been here on this blog.

Mr Marcus Nicholson, my one time trusted right hand bearded man … has only gone and done a Russell Crowe …. he has shaved his beard  *** cries uncontrollably**** . The lure of money has got the better of him.

I loved you my beloved solider, but no one is bigger than their face fur. No one! As tough as an act he is to follow, The Bearded Show must go on. So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog to address you all.

My colleagues in work, greet me with The Bearded Salute, address me as Captain and write emails calling me Captain … one colleague has gone further gifted me with so much beard products! I could open up a beard grooming shop with the amount of product I have lol.

Yes, he maybe a fellow beard and The Bearded Commander, but you don’t get such a title as a god given right … no sir it’s on merit. You Mr David Hollier have shown over the past few months, you’re an exceptional beard … thanks guys!

I also do live Facebook broadcasts and let my FB followers into the world of The Bearded Life, the life that is truly rock and roll. Clean shaven, people please tell me, does anyone stop you in the street and say “O nice face mate” …. I thought so,so let’s just leave that discussion there shall we.

Anyway guys, thanks for your support means a lot. I forgot to mention, my beard Alhamdulillah won my team lunch, not once but twice … yeah I know I should win a nobel peace prize for my awesome work to beards.

It’s over and out and from your Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

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The Bearded Captain With Some Words; Beware Of Man Flu

 

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my Bearded Soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards. I want to start this address by saying I apologise that my own standards in The Bearded Field have slipped.

For the past two months, after extensive training from my Bearded Mentor  (The Commander and Chief) Ahmed Talib Rashid, I was deemed ready to be The Bearded Captain by him and also got the “approving nod” by Mr David Hollier (a non-active Bearded Commander).

Now the role of The Bearded Captain is something you’re born with and The Bearded Greatness (to have the attitude and swag) was taught to me, selflessly by Ahmed Rashid. The tough love and the harshness all makes sense now, that explains why I took retrospective action against the two disobedient beards.

The first beard was Mr David Hunter. Mr Hunter committed the cardinal sin of doing a “Russel Crowe”. A Russel Crowe is someone who thinks they are too big for their beard and then shaves it off! Let me explain further, I am sure you lovely people are aware of that blockbuster movie that was Gladiator.

I mean, after all, it was only one of the greatest films of all time! In this film, you had the character Maximus/ Spaniard who was played by Russel Crowe of course. Now many would recognise in this film that Crowe gave an award winning performance, but what many won’t recognise is that his beard was the true award winner.

Just look at it (MashaaAllah Allah huma barik), but then it went downhill, with the beard comes fame and our Russel, couldn’t handle the fame and thus shaved off his beard.

Since that day forward whoever follows this treacherous person (Crowe) then he will be seen like him, thus creating the Russel Crowe law. Never did I expect to witness anyone to do the same despicable act that Crowe did all those years ago.

How could someone do such a thing? I know, even I ask such a question but such a thing happened and to make it even worse, something of a similar nature ( a bearded man shaving off his beard) happened in the modern day …. step forward Mr David Hunter.

Of course, he was duly punished by being sentenced to a donkey scrub in the middle for everyone to see for a painstaking 30 minutes, but the pain still hurts that someone thinks they can do such a thing.

So that’s one bad experience of my leadership, another was the experience of the other disobedient beard, Adam Malik. This beard was seen as a very close friend of mine, this beard would be someone who was granted permission to call me every day, but he lost his rights of doing this.

The reason Mr Malik lost his rights to do this were because just like David he got too big for his boots. Adam openly revolted against me by questioning a direct order. Coffee is a bearded beverage and tea in comparison is for clean shaven Jessie’s.

I gave him the chance to repent, but this beard was unrepentant …. and to make his case worse he thinks only one trilby/snapback is enough. I quote “isn’t one enough”, for foolish comments like that I would have ordered him to wax his legs and arms, but I went soft as I see him as a beard  who can change.

He needed a punishment regardless of my love for him and his punishment was that he was stripped of being a Bearded Sargent and is merely a Bearded Foot soldier, it pained me to have to make such a decision on someone I love so dearly.

Mr Marcus Nicholson is now the sole Bearded Sargent if anyone wants to apply for the role of Bearded Sargent,please feel free to email me at the following address beard@thebeardedcaptain.com

Now there was a reason why I share those two examples of beards who have been disobedient, the reason is this …. yours truly is going through a difficult time in his bearded leadership.

The admiring glances …….. have reduced, the admirers, on the whole, have reduced …… An example of this was when a clean-shaven Jessie Andy Cutts was given the reception I have been used to getting with my beard.

I know the reason why my powers are dwindling …… it’s man flu! * cries uncontrollably* I was magnificent two weeks ago, it was just two god damn weeks! Even managers are saying your beard looks messy ….. damn you man flu!

My jokes have gone because of my sore and aching throat, this has ruined my delivery of telling jokes. I must also add I have not been able to work on new material, due to the epidemic and when people ask me for new jokes, I say “I can’t think of any”! *sobs uncontrollably*

Please guys please, I ask you to donate just a smile by leaving a comment in the comment section today. Your smile could save a once funny man and make him funny again … thank you.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain, With Some Real Talk

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Don’t undermine me 😉

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my soldiers are all well inshaaAllah. I know you missed me my bearded children, but worry not I hadn’t gone far!

Literally my bearded children your bearded commander and chief and I had some “things” to deal with. Don’t worry though my bearded kids, we dealt with it swiftly (like two bosses as well may I add).

Ok so without further waffle, I need to just raise an issue or two in this blog my bearded chums. A once obedient beard has decided to take a walk down the dark side, Mr Adam Malik.

A bearded etiquette usually permits me from naming a shameful beard, but after consultation with the commander and chief himself ( Mr Ahmed Rashid) we felt we just had no other option, but to name and shame him.

What’s his crime I hear you ask? Well, my bearded children, the crime *fights back the tears* is this …… Adam Malik thinks a Tea is a bearded beverage and a coffee is meh *bursts into tears*. Guys that’s like calling one of my family members and shaving one of their beards.

Sorry let me gather myself after that emotional roller coaster, guys please note that if you want to be seen as a credible beard to others then you must bear in mind that a coffee is a bearded beverage.

To further make Adam’s case worse, instead of apologizing he has only gone on made things worse by being proud of his actions! *grabs yet another tissue from a box of tissues that is fastly emptying itself*

The insulting behavior doesn’t even stop there …… “What’s wrong with one trilby” *starts crying again, just as loud*. What’s? …… What’s wrong with another trilby he says.

Adam Malik and any other beard who holds the same opinion, you can never have enough trilbys. A story within a story based on true events.

Me; “Hiya mate, you’re alright pal”. After seeing a weird look my way.

Guy; “Yeah am alright pal. Listen where did you get that trilby from it looks awesome”.

Me; No flattered said, ” Aww cheers mate, Tesco in Altrincham”. And the conversation was left as that and his jaw needed to be amended rumor has it, after being left in awe due to my man fur and trilby, Allah huma barik.

Guys, a bit of a sour blog post today and that’s Adam’s fault. Remember, yes I love you all, but I will not have to do such blogs if certain beards would know their role in the bearded kingdom. It’s over and out from your bearded captain.

The Bearded Captain’s Guide Of What To Wear

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that inshaaAllah you’re all well. Since I love you so much, and I know the feeling is mutual ;). Boys and girls I have another instalment or insight from my wonderful mind and I give you today’s instalment from The Bearded Captain …… The Bearded Attire, or The Beardtire!

My bearded brothers, my bearded soldiers your training is getting more intense, now it’s the business end of your training. Thanks to my excellent leadership (if I may say so myself), your learning and development to be a good beard is improving.

Let’s recap what we have gone through so far, ok so I have taught you several things, I have taught you how to be a better beard for sure, but to be more specific I have taught you The Bearded Commandments. The Bearded Commandments, must be obeyed if they are not, how can you call yourself a true beard?

Other things we have discussed were how to get in the game, well that’s simple grow a beard that’s the best way to start, but make sure you’re funny and have that swag factor, gentlemen factor like me *adjusts his trilby, like a boss *. Make sure you keep yourself in good bearded company, the last thing you want is for your masculinity to go and your self-respect by going clean shaven. O dear *shudders at the thought*.

Thankfully though, you guys know the consequences of going clean shaven. (Being forced to buy your clothes from Mothercare, Baby Gap and Zara). No no! This is what you will get if you want to make your face look like a women’s or that of a girl!

After that lengthy recap I want to go on to today’s issue, how you should dress as a bearded soldier. Just like with the other steps bearded one, I don’t command or shall I say the beard doesn’t command you to be extra flamboyant.

I know what you’re thinking, what if I hit the town and I see this hot chick? Bearded Dude! One if this happens, you be calm and don’t act like a muppet! And two you let your beard do the talking. Remember if you perfume your beard (man fur) and keep it well gromed, chicks love that. Why won’t they?

Guys, what not to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Trackies is a no no. Guys this can pass off as a guy who “can’t be bothered”. If you want to pick up a chick that way, go on Jeremy Kyle I am sure he has loads of women who like that thing. Anyway back to my point of what not to wear. Hoodies, have to be approved by myself or The Commander and Chief.

Ties aren’t allowed either, only a select few. The reason why I say about the tie is that certain ties could threaten to upstage your man fur, *gasps for breath*. Your beard is the shining light of any dark room and shines brighter than any ladies beautiful smile. That says a lot about what the beard brings to the table.

Combats should be worn either, they just look unbeardy like. People with poorly maintained beards wear combats, we’re not poorly maintained beards!

Guys, what  to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Shirts are acceptable, but nothing too flowery ….. guys we are men! We don’t want to act like Dale Winton!  ……. a clean shaven jesse. Wide collar shirts are fine, but guys please no stupid colours.

In terms of footwear trainers are acceptable, but please your common sense. No Aasics trainers, I don’t really need to explain why. Suit shoes, boat shoes are fine but be wary of Timberland boots.  Me as your Captain, I wear a traditional garment called a Thobe, Chick Magnet or The Bearded Emperor’s Robe. (Sorry forgot to say that I am the aire to The  Bearded Emperor’s throne, which is currently occupied by the Retired Bearded Commander and soon to be retired Bearded Emperor Daddy Malik).

Fancy head wear is a must, it help you look like the bees knees. What the head wear should be is something that makes you look like a king with in yourself. For example a trilby or a snapback will do the trick.

So guys, I know this was an information packed blog, but I am a loving and caring captain. Rememeber guys ” A beard is 1% growth 99% atttidue and 110%, with the ability to make people laugh”.

There’s no point of having a face worth a million dollars due to your man fur, but then not have the dress sense to match. Where’s the sense in that? Guys yes I know you will be a babe magnet because of your man fur and your confidence has grown because of your man fur, but please your beard can walk out on your face.

Just like all the things we have gone through with the life of being a beard, I am showing I care. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Commandments!

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence. Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my soldiers are ok inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards! Just like yesterday, I have an important issue to make you aware of, this my bearded brothers is the issue of The Bearded Commandments.

The Bearded Commandments is only available in  blog form (from this blog). There are several  bearded commandments, but don’t think I am over bearing you o bearded one. It’s simple, if you follow these bearded commandments, I promise you, inshaaAllah you will win in life.

Bearded brothers, I am a testament to the bearded commandments and again I thank The Commander and Chief for being such a good teacher to me. Yes, he did give me a lot of tough love which included a few demotions in the bearded ranks.

I can’t lie, it did hurt immensely, but it has made me the beard I am today (Gorgeous to men and women alike,Allah Huma Barik) and being a beacon if light through my beard. So below I will give you a list of The Bearded Commandments, which even myself as The Captain adheres to each and every day.

To not over burden you bearded brothers, I will give you a few commandments each day.

Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard; No But’s!

You might be surprised this is an actual commandment, but as discussed in yesterday’s post I have to mention this, it’s simple I can’t afford any more disloyal soldiers in the ranks.

If you shave your beard, you will lose your powers of seduction of the boys and girls, as well as your magic powers of making people laugh. If you become clean shaven, then you will just turn into a “normal guy”.

Bearded broother you are not just normal, you are unique and magnificent (MashaaAllah).

It goes without saying, you will have to buy your clothes from Baby Gap or Mothercare because you resemble the look of a baby and you will not be allowed into the men’s toilets either.

Bearded brother, it’s so much better to be different …. don’t be like sheep, rather be like the lone wolf, but you are the leader of the pack because the “wolfs” will follow you because of your beard, don’t forget this!

Thou Shall Give The Bigger Beard The Right Of Way ….. Always!

This law is quite simple really, if you are walking down a narrow road or in your car etc, you will give way to your big bearded brother. The reason is simple, shorter bearded one you haven’t attained the level of  patience of your longer bearded brother.

In The Bearded Commandments we don’t believe no race is superior to another, but having a longer beard has certain perks you won’t get with having a shorter beard. Failure to adhere to this rule would lead to not being able to sit near me at the  of the round table and furthermore you would have to sit as far as away from me as possible.

We are united by the beard brothers. I mentioned this before, you are a boss because of your beard. Remember this phrase and inscribe this into your hearts bearded brothers, “the beard made you who you are and you are nothing without your beard”

Thou Shall Carry A Comb In His Pocket Like He Does His Mobile Phone

Again this is another obvious rule, in the list of The Bearded Commandments. You must never forget your comb, ever! As mentioned in a previous blog, your beard messy is like a rough diamond, a diamond isn’t beautiful rough so why allow your man fur to be like such?

A well-groomed beard is what gives you your man powers and this is what makes you win at life and be nearly as funny as I am. When you leave your phone at home, that sinking feeling follows …. leaving your comb at home is much worse than that.

“It’s only 20p and you can get some from the £1 shop”,is a comment which I will not be tolerated, no sir!  Bearded brother the last time some one said that, guess what happened? That person wasn’t  mentioned  for 30 days. They were not to be sat with or their food  to be shared with for 30 days either.

Cherish your comb, it’s an unsung hero in your life due to the beard being well combed, you will have to wear special beardy glasses to protect yourself from your eyes being damaged, if you look at a fellow beard directly.

Bearded soldiers, worry not if you follow these rules to start with, the other rules will come naturally. If you become a better beard, you will have become a better man

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence

inshaaAllah. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Day Of The Bearded Captain; Cuban Pimp Day

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Today, will go down as Cuban Pimp day. Bearded brothers rejoice!

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain,I hope all my soldiers are doing well and are in the process of growing beards, if you haven’t already. So let me tell you about my day, I know you’re dying to know about it!

To tell you about my day today, I have to make a mention of the day before. It started with a very random decision for me to “suit up!” I mentioned this to my colleague and with a look of confusion, he just politely smiled at the suggestion.

So the first thing to note here, when The Bearded Captain says he’s going to suit up, he isn’t joking. This is something I don’t joke about, I can joke about anything else, but the suit is like the bearded body armour and tops of The Bearded Captain look, alongside the trilby of course.

As previously mentioned fellow bearded men, you are now irresistible to men and women alike, so you need to have the right mind to deal with it like I do. So after waking up and going to McDonald’s with my bestie Joseph (in the Cuban Pimp look as well I must add), the admiring looks were many, so be cool calm and collected this is a must.

A walk with a bit of swag and the look that you’re the boss is natural, but don’t make it too obvious to the no doubt admiring public.

With the looks of the ultimate man mashaaAllah and the panache of a Cuban Pimp, glances were many and comments of awe were many too. Fellow beardy, be calm in such situations, you wouldn’t be in such a situation if it wasn’t for your man fur. It doesn’t need you, no no …. you need it!

So into work I walked, wary of the jaws dropping with my elegance and Va Va Voom mashaaAllah. “You look sharp” and “you look nice” comments followed, but alhamdulillah I know.

The comment which topped it off, though, was this one “you look like a sugar daddy”, my dear I am the daddy …. there’s a difference. Why I make such a statement, that is due to the empowerment that the man fur gives me (Allah huma barik).

Fellow beardy’s, today in work was dress down day, but in the life of The Bearded Captain, one doesn’t do dress down. The only time one does dress down is when everyone dresses up. Bearded Prince of mine, be proud of being different!

We are unique, there’s a difference. Not many people in life, are prepared to make a sacrifice (keeping a beard), but the satisfaction of accompishing something, makes it all worth it. I can’t keep doing these blogs, without mentioning The Bearded Captain’s mentor The Commander and Chief (Alpha) ….. Ahmed Rashid.

Now we have mentioned about needing an attitude to grow the beard, boys and girls my teacher (The Commander and Chief) has played a pivotal role in making me the beard I am today.

The Bearded Captain, leaves you with this piece of advice, never forget your beginnings bearded brethren. Today  (25th November) will go down in the calendar as Cuban Pimp day, fellow bearded brothers on this day, be sure to suit up!