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Dear Jurgen, a letter from The Sports Buff

Dear Jurgen,

Hi, you don’t know me but we need to talk. My name is Ayyaz Malik, Aka The Sports Buff. I am a sports writer and talk about sport too (for those who are kind enough to listen). As a Man United fan, it’s hard to say this, but congratulations on becoming Premier League champions.

Four and a half years ago, many of us United fans were no doubt jealous you chose Anfield over Old Trafford.

Purely from a sporting point of view, the move seems to be justified.

A Club World Cup, Super Cup, Champions League and now Premier League trophy shows you’re a great manager.

You might look like you should have been in the Bee Gees, but football fans make no mistake about it you have achieved greatness.

One of the best teams in the Premier League era, Manchester City were conquered this year with ease.

This is the English Premier League, you will say but the records your Liverpool team have broken speaks volumes in itself.

This isn’t me just being a bitter Manchester United fan here, but I express caution. Look at my team Manchester United.

Their manager from 1986-2013 was Sir Alex Ferguson, arguably one of the greatest, if not greatest club managers in the British game.

Sir Alex was a master of building teams for four, maybe five seasons and then making subtle delicate changes to it.

Jurgen please look at the example of Fergie. If you think this is blatant appraisal of the former United manager, that’s not the case.

Ferguson was the master of being steps ahead of his rivals when his United teams would be crowned champions.

Sir Alex Ferguson, would always be on the prowl for talent that could help better his team for many seasons to come and not just for the short term.

That changed in what would be now known as the last season of his reign.

Where players for the now and future were bought, Robin Van Persie a 29-year old from Arsenal who was in the peak of his years was signed in Sir Alex’s last season, which proved to be a title-winning one.

It was a testament to Ferguson, that he was able to win the League with a squad that was really past its sell-by date in his final year before retiring.

To prove the point I am trying to make, the following season The Red Devils needed two managers to finish the season, and they finished in seventh!

That was seven years ago, and it’s only now that Manchester United are looking in a respectable position of rebuilding.

It took Liverpool 30 years and over £1 billion spent in players transfers, you have done the hard work, as a football fan be smart and invest in playing talent.

Your Liverpool team isn’t getting younger. Jurgen, please don’t make the mistakes that Manchester United did.

If you do, it will be a long wait for title number 20, I don’t think Liverpool fans will have the same patience as they did this time.

Yours sincerely

The sports buff

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

No More years of hurt for Liverpool, praise the Lord!

Being a football fan of England and certain English clubs can be painful. Three Lions on a shirt song, being an Arsenal fan (not talking about myself here) – I think you can see where I am going with this.

With England, we the fans and mainly the “experts”, would bring England up and then knock them down. In recent years, thankfully the powers that be at the top of the game, have been more humble and started from scratch.

A centre of excellence was built and talent was brought through this centre of excellence in Burton. As a result of this, England’s under 17’s and 19’s tasted success on the global stage.

It seemed that process was that stringent of finding young talent, that scouts would be watching kids in the parks almost, when kids go for a kick around.

Watching kids playing in the park is usually a sign for the alarm bells to ring, but if this did happen, thankfully there would be some players who would become young stars for their country.

As a result of that England, in turn, got to the semi-finals of a world cup for the first time since 1990.

They even won a penalty shoot-out in the last world cup, waa hay! O how I cried in France 98 when David Batty missed his spot-kick on that fateful night in St Etienne against Argentina  , thus giving more penalty shootout heartache.

Arsenal, sadly for their fans are still making their team suffer mentally and emotionally. You know Gunners fans, you can stop at this stop and support another team, just think about your mental health, please!

After 16 seasons regularly featuring in the top four and having a monopoly on the FA Cup for a five year period towards the end of Arsene Wenger’s reign, it’s got even worse for Arsenal.

A top-half finish looks an achievement at this rate, thought the George Graham days and Bruce Rioch era was a thing of the past? Obviously not.

Another club that likes to make their fans suffer has been Liverpool. Now, this might be harsh on the face of it, considering that Liverpool have won the Champions League twice in the last 15 seasons along with the Europa League, FA Cup and League Cup.

Everyone knows what the Merseyside club wanted though, and that’s the Premier League trophy. There’s been many near misses.

A “fact rant” by Rafa Benitez who no longer manages in England (fact).

There was a time where Liverpool games replaced bedtime stories. I am convinced this must be true they were that boring.

The Reds in that era under Gerrard Houllier, would without fail, make my brother sleepy whenever he saw them on the TV.

They were dark times, but then Liverpool changed tact and hired an Irish coach who’s team’s played football so joyful to watch on the eye.

Brendan Rodgers was his name, his teams to play attractive football was his game.

With Steven Gerrard as commander and chief on the pitch, along with forwards Louis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge, the then 18-time champions of England Liverpool came within a whisker of winning the title.

You could say, they missed out by the skin of their teeth, sorry Louis that might not have been funny … please don’t bite me! The title seemed in Liverpool’s grasp, but then they would slip up .. watch your self Steve (caution wet floor!)

Mockery was a plenty of that slip, Uruguayan Suarez’s eating habits and Daniel Sturridge’s injury record. A true story, I did see Daniel whilst I was walking – I saw him walking his got.

I must say I have never been so nervous seeing someone walk a dog, as I was convinced he would get injured, such was his injury record at one stage.

Putting the mockery to one side, Liverpool replaced Rodgers with German coach Jurgen Klopp. Former Dortmund manager Klopp had won the Bundesliga twice with Ballspielverein.

Liverpool were hoping the former Mainz manager could help bring what was becoming the increasingly elusive first Premier League trophy.

Careful planning ensued and a loss to Sevilla in the Europa League final and Real Madrid in the Champions League final, were painful but only demonstrated the progress the German manager Klopp was making with The Reds.

Further heartbreak would further occur, this time domestically in the Premier League. Jurgen’s Liverpool last year would painfully lose the Premier League by one point. This was made all the more painful, considering The Anfield side had only lost one game and accumulated 91 points!

This season, Liverpool seemed in no mood to mess around. The 3-1 win against Manchester City, was a signal of their intent. The Citizens who fought back last year to win the title from Liverpool’s grasp, by their high standards were poor this year.

Defeats to Manchester United (twice), Norwich and Wolves twice only emphasizes my point. Liverpool it is then who are Premier League champions after 30 years. Congrats to Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool for their title win

Woolworths, Blockbuster, BHS and petrol for under £1 were the things of those days. A lot has changed since then, (as none of those now remain).

Football can breathe a sigh of relief, we don’t have to hear “this is our year”. Thankfully one of those years has been their year. Now here’s to hoping England win the world cup, so we don’t have to keep hearing “we won it 66”.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

So your beard is growing longer? Let’s talk

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards. Good morning to you all (it was at the time of typing anyway).

My bearded beloved’s I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and maintaining your beeeeeards! *cries uncontrollably*.

As I am sure you remember ( I can’t forget as I am still traumatised) that I had a beard trimming mishap where my luscious bearded locks perished … and I was left with a short beard! *stops the tears rolling down his cheeks*.

That was two weeks ago, but the pain is still fresh. In this case, time isn’t a good healer, but it will heal my face and put it back to its rightful facial settings of being a long-bearded man.

I am not saying there’s anything wrong with being a short beard, but when you go long anything else seems wrong. My beard comb is trying to claim redundancy from me, I am convinced of it.

What was a proud shiny wooden comb, appears to be collecting dust. I know I preach, thou shall not forget his beard the same way he/she won’t forget their phone, but I don’t fancy combing my skin essentially, that’s just weird.

It’s been tough seeing my brothers with long beards and me with a short one. I will never be jealous, that’s not fitting of a beard to be jealous but what I do feel is regret that I could have had such a cavalier approach when it came to maintaining my pride and joy.

There is some good news in what has been a sad tale for all beards so far …. my beard is growing back! What was once a beard that didn’t leave my face, I am delighted to report the beard hairs have grown out and all be it a little bit, my beard hairs are growing off my face.

The side of the beard is puffed out and now needs combing, moisturizing and oiling down – I have not needed to do that in many weeks. Some think it’s a bad thing, but the beard itches have returned too!

Most of you would have watched Superman and saw when he started to realise he had powers and could see through walls, beard growth on my face makes me feel like that. Or when Peter Parker (Spiderman) realised he could climb walls and release a web from his palm.

To emphasise the point, remember when Wolverine from X-Men realized he had claws? Yeah, this what it feels like when your beard grows out. A longer beard has it’s challenges of course it does, but look at those superheroes and how they find their superpowers.

Brothers if you grow your beard properly, with love care, affection but most importantly using TLB (tender love of beard) then you will unlock your superpower to the world.

Bearded brethren, you’re handsome because the one who gave you the beard gave you your looks, but he made you even more handsome because he made you look like a man.

One last thing, if you want to trim your beard … really take care and don’t do what I did!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Black lives matter always

Hello, and greetings my bearded beloved’s, it’s me your Bearded Leader, on all things digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My beards, as much as we try to do these blog addresses to make you laugh, sometimes this platform needs to be used differently.

My dearest brothers, the need to talk about this may seem necessary now, but this issue always needs to be mentioned. It’s the issue, that’s hit headlines this week, that’s the issue of racial tensions in America.

An unarmed Afro-American man (George Floyd) was murdered by a police officer. Today, in the 21st century, it’s with great sadness brothers, that I am having to write this post.

The reality brothers is that this is an issue that isn’t going to go away until Donald “The clean-shaven Jessie Trump” is in office at the White House. This topic of race relations is in the public eye, due to this tragic passing of the 46-year old Floyd.

There’s never a blessing in a death of an innocent man, nor can they ever be, but what The Captain hopes is that this can help encourage raising awareness for this issue. The media, have brought this issue into the spotlight and will duly take it out of the limelight when they feel like too.

My brothers, some of us aren’t Afro-Caribbean so we can’t truly understand what this community goes through, but we bleed red. We have hearts, we care. This issue of racial inequality isn’t just in America, but it’s around the world.

Sports teams may want to kneel down on one knee as a form of protest, but Colin Kaepernick has been doing this for some time, well before this tragic news had taken place. It’s a challenge for all brothers, we need to be consistent here.

When the news stop covering this issue, don’t make it be that we do too. As an Asian, I am sad to say that there’s victimisation and poor treatment by some, of black people. Son-in laws who are black in the Asian community are very few, and that’s sad.

It appears to be solely for the colour of their skin. The issue is there when it comes to black women too. I sincerely hope, The Bearded Captain blog and vlog, promotes equality for all races and creeds.

Here what I have to say about it here; Black lives matter always

Brothers, the aim is to unite all through comedy and banter. It’s over and out from The Captain.

What it means to be a beard

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (leader of all beards on digital media). It’s been a pleasure to call myself that for the four years that I started this project.

All thanks go to the one, who gave me my facial treasure, the face medallion my beard. The journey in bearded leadership has been close to smooth sailing. Thanks and praise must go the one who gave me my beard.

Just yesterday, it’s emerged, however, that I have work to do and any success I feel I might have had, I need to learn to stay humble and modest. This persona is a tongue in cheek persona. You, my soldiers, are aware no doubt of this.

The world of the internet is a place where it’s like a separate realm almost. People can hide behind a computer and say anything and almost get away with it.

On the youtube part of the project, a youtube user after five months (yes you read that right) decided to comment on one of my old videos and tell me I look like a terrorist (apparently).

I find it ironic, due to the work we have done to challenge this stereotype. Of course, we can’t always issue a rebuttal to each person, but my beards this is a reminder to us all.

The reminder is two-fold, the first part is we can’t issue a rebuttal on each hate mail we get, sometimes silence is golden. Second lesson though is when we issue a response, or shall I say if we do, then we need to be measured in how we respond.

If you fight fire with fire, both will get burnt. The way to tackle a fire is with water. My beards, we make them laugh and we show them we are excellent in manners.

A real beard doesn’t stand for any harm caused to their face (shaving beard), so how can we stand for the killing of innocents? (Men, ladies, children – young and old).

The Captain has said this, and he will say it again, he/she who thinks it’s ok to kill innocent people without reason, The Captain is free of you. You have no right to sit on my table. 

The Bearded Pledge (A beard, will always be 1% growth, 99% attitude with the ability to make them laugh!). Lastly, #saynototerrorism. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Weddings; Asian vs Non Asian

Hello, and greetings, my bearded soldiers – it’s your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media, here with another topic that needs some discussion.

My Bearded Brothers, after the kind feedback of yesterday’s piece on family gatherings, I want to talk about the wedding ceremonies; Asian vs Non-Asian.

After reading my previous blogs and listening to my previous blogs on the subject of Asian’s, you will get where I am going with this lol.

Now, for the non-Asian, they find it hard to fathom that anyone would marry their cousin. If you ask most of the UK, they would say that is something the people of Norfolk do, but this is something they could never imagine doing themselves (marrying their cousin).

To stereotype here … massively, non-Asian’s would usually find a boyfriend/girlfriend and be in a relationship for five/six years and then find the most cliche place to propose. Some proposals are quite romantic don’t get me wrong.

In the world of an Asian, some do marry their boyfriend/girlfriend (but don’t tell their parents that, otherwise it would be the Mcchappal meal if you know what I mean). In that case, usually, a conversation follows like this;

Mum; if you find a girl you want to marry, tell me first.
The boy; err since you mentioned it, mum, there’s a girl…

*Famous last words, then flight, to Pakistan gets swiftly booked and he’s not seen for a few years. The boy duly comes back to the UK with a Pakistani wife and two kids!*

Back to the story though. When the boy usually says that, a frosty response is followed by the mum, the boy would say something like “we met at Uni and she is really nice”. A marriage will follow, but this is where the real work begins.

The Asian boyfriend and girlfriend, who kept meeting at the library for “studying”, after having overcome the secrecy of keeping their relationship alive, now enter the politics of marriage …. (more on that later).

The boy finding his own marriage partner can cause a war more deadly then any that history has ever known. Vietnam, World War one and two were brutal … but challenging an Asian mum on wedding partner, na nothing beats that.

There is the alternative marriage method in the Asian household, the arranged marriage. This was something I did when I was married, but yes I had a say in it and yes I met her beforehand.

A colleague asked me, do you meet your wife beforehand? Is this done against your will and you have no say in it?

Sensing the chance to troll, I said well, it’s like The Voice … a series of women come into the room, but I face the other way and when I hear the voice of a lady and I like it, I turn my chair around and wala this lady is now my wife.

My colleague believed me and that tipped me over into laughter!
So after agreeing to the marriage, then comes the deal or no deal part as I call it or the Dragon’s Den part- the negotiation.

Now in a non-Asian wedding, they usually do it in the church and invite close friends and family. They have food, get leathered, have a sing-song maybe, the bride throws bouquet then they go in their wedding car and into the sunset.

If only it was like that in an Asian wedding. Remember me mentioning the about the politics side of the Asian wedding? Yeah, well that’s the bit where such and such needs to get invited coz they invited us.

Now that sounds, kind I think, invite someone to your family wedding, coz they invited you to theirs, but no all is not what it seems. This is money based … they invited us to their family wedding we gave £50, now if we invite them and they don’t give £50, they’re not coming to our other son’s wedding.

Then you have to consider what about inviting this person? If we don’t invite them, it’s gonna be awkward. This person in the scenario when it came to me, was someone I had no idea who they were.

I remember, it like yesterday mum brings the book to me. I was thinking mum is this my life? It wasn’t, it was the list of people in a book, who attended my sister’s wedding.

Everyone from that list was under review (bar family of course), my mum went through that list one by one, to see if they would be attending my wedding.

I kid you not, I said I want 200/300 people to my wedding tops, but it should be lower. Guess how many people came? 600!

So an over-inflated guess list now needs an over-inflated venue and menu to match.

Thankfully my parents were and still are savy with and their money and had been saving up for this probably since I was born, but not all families can do this.

Some families get into serious debt paying for something they just can’t afford, but what will people say if we only get married in a mosque? This is the rhetoric that takes over the Asian mind.

O, I didn’t mention obviously after the marriage is agreed the engagement is usually eight months. I am not sure if that’s the families way of saying;

“Are you sure, you want to do this, think about it here’s an eight-month cooling off period. Do you want to give up your freedom”?

So, if both families agree to still go ahead with the wedding, then the jewellery needs to be arranged. How much gold to give to the mother-in-law and the sisters-in-law and to the this relation and that relation.

The amount of gold jewellery present on the wedding day, on the bride and all the women alike, 50 Cent would be left Jealous.

Then there’s the hired cars and designer suits that cost close to a month’s wages. The cars that would be on show are the ones the boys would have posters up of.
Maybe for one day, they can escape the reality of owning a 1.3 litre Nisan Micra.

Now we go inside the wedding hall that the Asian paid an arm and leg for. Over the top decor, such as gold chandeliers and decorative dressings to name some.
Remember me mention about the family gathering food? Well yeah, it’s not too dissimilar to food made at home.

Granted, these wedding/banquet halls maybe professionals at food prep but the food is not too dissimilar.Maybe there’s more food than that of a family gathering.

Staters of kebabs, fish and chicken tikka pieces are usually the same in all weddings.
Mains of boneless chicken, lamb and vegetable curry also is the same, alongside a choice of rice or naan pretty much is the same too.

Where there is a difference from wedding to wedding is the sweet food (Indian sweets) It’s still diabetes waiting to happen for sure.

So after all these wedding rituals are done, remember this is just the start! As there are another three days of this concerted effort for a wedding at least!
It’s times like this, I wish I wasn’t Asian… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

How Ramadan is similar to a lockdown

Hello and greetings from your bearded captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media and broadcast media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and smile.

My bearded beloved’s, here I want to talk about an important issue, (it must be noted, my blog posts are all important, that’s why I write them hehe).

I want to bring this to your attention my beloved’s and that is this, my beards there are similarities between being in Ramadan and being in lockdown.

O how, we pity you, the non-Muslim, or Mr Will Mellor who said he had a “power cut”, I have got a **** power cut” during this lockdown, to directly quote the man himself. Will, have you never been to the Asian Sub-Continent?

In the Sub-Continent, my friend at the best of times (mainly summertime) it’s a minor miracle that they even have power. Anyway, that aside, (hear me out on this, I am on to something) – there are similarities between this lockdown and Ramadan.

In the lockdown, people have been stockpiling food, and you know that is what’s also done in Ramadan. True story here, I bought 20kg of boneless chicken from the butchers. Boneless banquet for one they say? Naaa it’s like boneless banquet for the whole street more like!

The grocery shops in Ramadan are rammed with customers like Aldi and Tesco are too. In Ramadan, if we’re off work we don’t like going out (partly being too tired), but in lockdown, you can only go out if there’s a dire need to.

As mentioned, when we do go out, we do tend to bulk buy food. I must make a mention, an Asian household/Muslim household don’t stockpile with a years supply of loo roll, just the couple of months.

I must ask a question to fellow Asians, why is there so many “Manchester Superstores”, dude there are even some in Huddersfield, what’s up with that?

We are clever even before this lockdown, we don’t use loo roll like the Non-muslims do when we do our thing, we use a cracking device called a Muslim shower, it’s water and it sprays when you press the trigger, it’s awesome ** love-struck emoji **

One good thing about the lockdown, mum would say is that you can go out for essential shops, heaven forbid … it was getting to the stage that we were going to have to eat the ‘food for the guests’.

It must be noted in an Asian household, there’s food and then there’s food for the guests. Food for you I won’t say it’s like bread and water, but it’s not like food for the guests. That’s the kind of food that even Gordon Ramsey would say has been “cooked well and tastes delicious”.

Hell’s kitchen and  Ramsey’s kitchen nightmare fans know what I mean by that.

O refreshments get the same treatment, Rubicon mango juice for the guests, and Tesco value juice for you the inhabitants of the home.

Same thing with the fizzy drink, if you’re allowed to even have it, and that too is when the guests are there. Coca-cola (the real stuff) and Rubicon mango too would be on offer, those days are worth savouring.

This isn’t lockdown related, maybe a tad Ramadan related, but I have to mention this. Many maybe distressed of having to stay indoors or lack of activity etc.

My non Asian friends nothing is more painful than seeing a tub of celebrations, then opening it and then realising it’s last weeks curry in there.

*cries uncontrollably* and your favourite Mars chocolates? Nowhere to be seen! The same treatment is given to Walls ice cream boxes too.

It doesn’t stop there either, Royal Dansk biscuits, fancy one? No you can’t have one, you won’t really get one in an Asian household, unless you have your grandparents, they would be the only ones who have these biscuits.

Sewing box, box for screws but biscuits? No, not in Asian household .

So there you have it, a different look to this Ramadan. Non-Muslim household’s I feel sorry for you almost not being in Ramadan, but mind you those spring rolls are deeeeeadly!
It’s over and out from the bearded captain.

Clearing up some misconceptions of Ramadan

Hello and greetings, I go by the name of the bearded captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards on digital and broadcast media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My bearded beloved’s so, now you are aware of what Ramadan is, which is great … I want to clarify and clear up some misconceptions. Fasting … isn’t for everyone, yes you read that right.

The only people who should fast, are those who are able. So, to clarify, the people who are exempt from fasting are pregnant women, the elderly and young children. Of course, the people who have underlying health conditions are exempt too.

Many examples of friends and family are doing this (not fasting due to their health, and that’s fine, health is the main priority). Muslims can brush their teeth, so for the sake of family members, make sure you do that guys.

One misconception, I also heard about Ramadan was you’re not allowed to engage in sexual activity. There’s no case of “no nut November” here. What, you should do, just like you would in terms of food and drink is not have it during daylight hours.

To clarify my beards, which I should have done before, it’s encouraged that he/she who can’t fast, that they should give to charity. Ramadan is seen as a month of mercy, where you aim to get spiritually closer to god.

In no way should you overexert yourself, but to an extent no pain no gain, for he/she who’s able. Ramadan is aimed to break you and not destroy you, far from it. It’s over and out from the bearded captain.