The Bearded Captain; “Don’t Do A Brosnan Guys”

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, don’t do a Brosnan for he is a beard who only grew his beard just to keep himself relevant.

 

Hello, greetings and good evening from me your Bearded Captain. I am sorry I haven’t been around of late my beloved soldiers, please forgive me for this. As much as I love you wonderful souls, The Captain has been in Bearded Hibernation.

What that means, boys and girls – ladies, gentleman and clean shaven men is that The Captain was having some time to ponder Bearded Life and the magnificence that comes with the Territory of being The Bearded Captain.

Without further ado, I would like to address today’s issue of not doing a Brosnan. What’s a Brosnan I hear you ask? Well, my soldiers, it is this ….. I would like to think you’re all aware of the ninth Bearded Commandment … (Thou Shall Not Allow The Celebrity Status Of His Beard Get to His Head).

With the Brosnan law, it’s  kind of the opposite of this commandment but needs to be mentioned all the same. The Brosnan law is simply this, I am sure my soldiers you remember Pierce Brosnan who starred in several Bond films.

As I am sure you’re aware the James Bond Character is clean shaven, (don’t get me started please on that topic). In his youth, Brosnan sported a clean shave and was in several Bond films and seemed irresistible to the boys and girls alike.

The thing is though, the world is slowly but surely catching on to the facade of clean shaven people. I mean look at Brosnan’s  later films he has been sporting a beard, the director must read my blog or even be an undercover fan of The Captain.

But the issue is as soon as Pierce Brosnan’s career looks to be going down hill, he decides to grow a beard. Why couldn’t he have been bearded when he was James Bond?

What young guys only look good with a clean shave, what bout The Captain? MashaaAllah I look awesome because I have a beard. My soldiers a beard is for life and not just for winter or when you think your career is going down the pan you draw upon the fame that a beard gives you.

This blog is very much addressing Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, but he who thinks he can grow a beard when he is old to still feel relevant, be warned you will not be amongst my elite.

Every beard is judged by its intention, but don’t take advantage of the beard and abuse its awesomeness. Bearded brothers, you need the beard, not the other way round. The Beard is nature’s way, a beard is a man’s way of saying he is happy in his inner self.

You, my bearded soldier, can be happy with your inner self too. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

The Bearded Captain; Don’t Dye Your Beard In Any Colour Except Ginger!

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, be proud of the colour of your beard and let nature take its path 🙂

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well, in good health and in the process of growing beards! Before I get my teeth into today’s subject, I just want to say thank you for you guys being such wonderful soldiers and as your Bearded Captain, I am really honoured to be leading you guys.

Ok, mushy stuff out of the way, so the issue at hand then. The issue which I would like to raise today is this, the issue of the dying of the beard. Now, I know what you’re thinking but please hear me out, this issue does have some relevance, you’re going to have to take my word on that.

Now, the dying of hair is a topic that people might take lightly if they do no biggie, but as I have said before our beards are unique and this isn’t merely just “another issue”. As I have said time and time again, our beard’s are unique because when maintained correctly, they look magnificent!

Of course my bearded brothers, you already know that. So with that in mind, the need to preserve one’s beard is extremely necessary.  Yes, we have talked about combing and perfuming the beard, but I just feel this issue of the beard dye hasn’t been touched upon and it needs to be.

When someone dyes their hair, they use different colours, but when it comes to the beard let’s make this clear don’t dye it. Why I hear you ask? The reason is simple a beard grows naturally, so allow nature to take it’s path, the same applies to your natural beard hair colour too.

Blonde beard, green beard or blue beard just isn’t a good luck, but ginger is I have natural ginger strands in my beard hehe. Do I really need to explain why not dye your beard in any other colours except ginger? Let’s just say this if I do need to explain,  it makes me wonder are you seriously listening to your Bearded Captain and his advice?  …. You might have to take a long hard look at yourself O Bearded One.

The sharp-minded one’s amongst you will be thinking what about when I get older and my beard turns grey what do I do? Well after studying this particular topic long and hard as I devoured a Dixy burger ( bearded man’s best friend if you like), it came to my attention that it’s absolutely not allowed to dye a grey beard back to your natural hair colour. I hope that makes sense.

When the time comes for your beard to fully mature and turn grey, embrace the fact that it’s happened to you and that you have been chosen by the one who gave you your man fur in the first place.

If you hide your natural beard hair colour to the people, a question I would ask is are you hiding other stuff, are you truthful beard. I mean if it came to it, would you share your last piece of chicken with me? (yes I would share it with a bearded brother in case you’re wondering).

I will close on this point brothers, a beard is a thing of beauty. For some of you, you will live long enough for your beard to grow grey, that’s not a bad thing far from it …. embrace it, brothers! A grey beard shows wisdom and the right person will respect you for it, if they don’t you’re around the wrong people.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

Even The Bearded Captain Needs To Know His Role

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, fear not I am still here for you

 

Why hello and greetings there boys and girls, did you miss me? Come on we know the answer to the question of course you did! Who wouldn’t miss The Bearded Captain!? Well, worry not my bearded children, your captain and Bearded Leader hasn’t gone anywhere sorry worry not my beloved bearded children.

In my absence from blog writing, I have been carefully compiling The Bearded Commandments into a book, yes that’s right children the 10 Bearded Rules of perfection in a book, a sacred book for all beards.

As I always do I have been keeping an eye on you from afar, so don’t think you can get away with any “smart stuff”, I will be onto it in a flash. Without further ado, I want to discuss the reason why I am writing today’s blog post.

Today’s issue is in regards to one of The Bearded Commandments, the commandment of “Those Shall Keep His Beard Well Groomed”. Now, you lovely should know by now this is something that I constantly talk about, talk about a lot.

So what I am going to say next might be a tad surprising, to say the least. You lovely people are aware no doubt of The Retired Bearded General, (Father Malik) now The Retired  General himself has had to summon me a few times in regards to the way that my beard was kept.

Bearded children, for this very point I am sorry I feel I have failed you, I am sorry. Me being the flag bearer of Bearded Standards, me myself have let the standards of how a beard should be kept down.

My beard and I haven’t been in good health, although factual is a mere excuse. A beard is for life brothers not just for winter. He who thinks that their beard is for winter, you are not worthy of my tutelage ever!

A messy beard although not ideal, needs a lot of encouragement. I have gone on record and will say this again, a beard that is messy and wavy is a beard that lacks direction in life. Now please note brothers, this isn’t a condemnation, it’s an observation. Brothers, there’s hope you can get out of this slump.

Now, I am fortunate I have an esteemed beard like Father Malik telling me to sort out my beard, you lovely people have the fortune of me. Bearded brothers, the message I want to leave you with is this, we’re a bearded family that is there to help each other.

We don’t want to give the clean shaven Jessie’s any more encouragement than what they’re already getting. Brothers, be firm in the face of any bearded trials or adversity. A messy beard is one of the toughest trials that one can go through.

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain,A Real Life Example Of The Consequences Of Shaving

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers below is a real-life example of what happens when a commandment is broken.

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well and in the process of growing beards. I want to address one of The Bearded Commandments with a real life example.

The Bearded Commandment in question is the commandment that is “Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard”. A stating the obvious commandment you may think, but my soldiers you will be surprised the necessity of raising the issue.

Step forward my colleague at work Mr. Andrew Cutts. Cutts, the ladies man or Sensai Cutts as he is known to us folk at work is quite the inspirational figure in our office. Despite being clean shaven, my soldiers he has been a crucial person in the life of The Bearded Captain.

He is quite a remarkable case, I say this because despite being a clean shaven Jessie, he still does have the humor and charms to woo the boys and girls. If I was to be favorable to the self-appointed “top dog”, then I would say this he does have a week long stubble.

But unforgivably he has shaved his stubble off and gone back to looking like a child. As upsetting as that has been to see as your Bearded Captain and his Bearded Captain, this next thing was the most upsetting.

The issue in specific question is this, Andrew much to my delight came into work with a lovely well maintained and well-groomed beard. When he walked into the room, he walked into work with the swag one comes to expect when you have a beard.

Compliments were many and the looks of awe were many. “Cutts, that well suits you lad” and other comments from your truly such as “Cutts you beautiful man”! Compliments like those would naturally massage the ego of any man and Mr. Cutts is naturally no different.

That actually brings me on to my next point. With all those compliments and the massaging of ego, it naturally would beg the question why would one shave such magnificence on their face off their face?

Well, that’s what Cutts did the very next day. I mean how many more compliments do you want? His actions left me completely dumbfounded, (that’s, to put it mildly). I wasn’t the only one to be left in a state of disbelief by the top dog’s actions.

My colleagues were equally as shocked as I was. The previous day, all Mr Cutts received was glowing praise and admiration from all, but the day after he committed the despicable act (shaving his beard) it appeared obvious that nature was out to teach Andrew a lesson.

Andy himself was looking for the admiration from those very same people that he was getting from the people the day before, but I am sorry Andrew Cutts, I know you are a unique case of being someone who has powers of humour despite being clean shaven, but it went to show that even you need a beard to be relevant.

You were surprised when you received the admiration of the people one day, but not the next, but don’t be surprised by such a reaction. The Beard makes you, and you don’t make it ….. Do not forget that my soldiers!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; “Alhamdulillah my powers of humor​ are returning”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, good news Alhamdullilah my powers are starting to return 😉

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain, I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are maintaining their beards. Guys, for the past few weeks the one who gave me the beard (the party piece of my face), the all-mighty decided to give me man flu.

No, I am not complaining I am just stating the facts. With like anytime you feel ill or unwell, one naturally feels weaker and groggy. Naively I thought as The Bearded Captain I thought I would be ok, but maybe I was arrogant and forgot that no matter how awesome my man fur is (my beard) don’t forget to thank the one who gave you the man fur in the first place.

That is the all-mighty I am referring to, of course, the one who enabled to have such beautiful man fur, MashaaAllah. In this period of me having man flu, my powers felt like they were getting zapped from me.

Usually, when I go to work, I walk into the office in style, admiring glances many and the looks of awe were many too, but since my man flu, it felt like the world was going on in a “normal way” when I entered the room.

As The Bearded Captain, this is something which is unheard of for me, but this whole man flu experience if you want to call it that has been very humbling. I learned despite being The Bearded Captain, I shouldn’t take my beard for granted.

I naively thought that with my beard comes awesomeness …. this is true, but there’s more to this than that. These two weeks that I have had man flu have shown that with “power” comes tests and challenges.

Let me give you an example, Clarke Kent (Superman, which is debatable in itself as this guy didn’t have a beard), went through phases where he loses his powers. Superman turned into a mere mortal for a period, but as time went by he was able to regain his powers.

Of course, Superman lost his powers whenever he saw Kryptonite or came into contact with the stuff. The thing is with me (The Bearded Captain) I don’t know what my “Kryptonite” is.

So how can I cure myself of man flu, if I don’t know what is causing the problem? It’s a question that has rumbled on for a while and will rumble on for a while longer no doubt. After consulting with some loyal soldiers around me, they advised that I increase my intake of Vitamin C, me being the down to earth Captain that I am, I decided to listen to them and now take Vitamin C tablets every day.

I have mentioned this before, but I will say this again, I wouldn’t wish man flu on my worst enemy. These two weeks have been tough, but they have taught me, don’t take anything for granted and that always thank the one who gave you the ability to don such magnificent facial hair.

Remember, if it wasn’t for he who gave you the lovely man fur, you wouldn’t be as awesome as you have been. My soldiers, remember you wouldn’t have been able to charm the boys and girls with your witty nature, as well as an awesome sense of humor.

On this note, it’s time for me to say, boys and girls, my Bearded Soldiers it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain With Some Words; Beware Of Man Flu

 

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my Bearded Soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards. I want to start this address by saying I apologise that my own standards in The Bearded Field have slipped.

For the past two months, after extensive training from my Bearded Mentor  (The Commander and Chief) Ahmed Talib Rashid, I was deemed ready to be The Bearded Captain by him and also got the “approving nod” by Mr David Hollier (a non-active Bearded Commander).

Now the role of The Bearded Captain is something you’re born with and The Bearded Greatness (to have the attitude and swag) was taught to me, selflessly by Ahmed Rashid. The tough love and the harshness all makes sense now, that explains why I took retrospective action against the two disobedient beards.

The first beard was Mr David Hunter. Mr Hunter committed the cardinal sin of doing a “Russel Crowe”. A Russel Crowe is someone who thinks they are too big for their beard and then shaves it off! Let me explain further, I am sure you lovely people are aware of that blockbuster movie that was Gladiator.

I mean, after all, it was only one of the greatest films of all time! In this film, you had the character Maximus/ Spaniard who was played by Russel Crowe of course. Now many would recognise in this film that Crowe gave an award winning performance, but what many won’t recognise is that his beard was the true award winner.

Just look at it (MashaaAllah Allah huma barik), but then it went downhill, with the beard comes fame and our Russel, couldn’t handle the fame and thus shaved off his beard.

Since that day forward whoever follows this treacherous person (Crowe) then he will be seen like him, thus creating the Russel Crowe law. Never did I expect to witness anyone to do the same despicable act that Crowe did all those years ago.

How could someone do such a thing? I know, even I ask such a question but such a thing happened and to make it even worse, something of a similar nature ( a bearded man shaving off his beard) happened in the modern day …. step forward Mr David Hunter.

Of course, he was duly punished by being sentenced to a donkey scrub in the middle for everyone to see for a painstaking 30 minutes, but the pain still hurts that someone thinks they can do such a thing.

So that’s one bad experience of my leadership, another was the experience of the other disobedient beard, Adam Malik. This beard was seen as a very close friend of mine, this beard would be someone who was granted permission to call me every day, but he lost his rights of doing this.

The reason Mr Malik lost his rights to do this were because just like David he got too big for his boots. Adam openly revolted against me by questioning a direct order. Coffee is a bearded beverage and tea in comparison is for clean shaven Jessie’s.

I gave him the chance to repent, but this beard was unrepentant …. and to make his case worse he thinks only one trilby/snapback is enough. I quote “isn’t one enough”, for foolish comments like that I would have ordered him to wax his legs and arms, but I went soft as I see him as a beard  who can change.

He needed a punishment regardless of my love for him and his punishment was that he was stripped of being a Bearded Sargent and is merely a Bearded Foot soldier, it pained me to have to make such a decision on someone I love so dearly.

Mr Marcus Nicholson is now the sole Bearded Sargent if anyone wants to apply for the role of Bearded Sargent,please feel free to email me at the following address beard@thebeardedcaptain.com

Now there was a reason why I share those two examples of beards who have been disobedient, the reason is this …. yours truly is going through a difficult time in his bearded leadership.

The admiring glances …….. have reduced, the admirers, on the whole, have reduced …… An example of this was when a clean-shaven Jessie Andy Cutts was given the reception I have been used to getting with my beard.

I know the reason why my powers are dwindling …… it’s man flu! * cries uncontrollably* I was magnificent two weeks ago, it was just two god damn weeks! Even managers are saying your beard looks messy ….. damn you man flu!

My jokes have gone because of my sore and aching throat, this has ruined my delivery of telling jokes. I must also add I have not been able to work on new material, due to the epidemic and when people ask me for new jokes, I say “I can’t think of any”! *sobs uncontrollably*

Please guys please, I ask you to donate just a smile by leaving a comment in the comment section today. Your smile could save a once funny man and make him funny again … thank you.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; Clean Shaven Men Can’t Have Man Flu

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of yourselves, man flu season is upon us.

 

Hello and greetings from your bearded captain. I pray all my soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are looking after their beards, the way they should be looked after. My bearded soldiers, my bearded children whenever I do these (blogs), as you know there’s a reason as to why I do them.

So as for today, the reason why  I want to write this blog, is to address the issue of man flu. As you know boys and girls, man flu is the “deadly bug” which is caused by regular flu. Now when I say regular flu, what I mean is the flu what ladies get or …… the thing that resembles ladies  …… clean shaven men, if you can even call them that.

Now let’s get this clear. Clean shaven “men” is an imperfect sentence. Why do I say this? Hmm let me think, since when are real men clean shaven? The clean shaven look similar to women, we’re not women brothers, we are men so embrace the inner man!

Anyway, slightly digressed there …. sorry about that. Today’s issue is about man flu. Yes, we men are subjected to a lot of torrent abuse the “O it’s just a sniffle” and the “O it will get better in a few days”.

Ladies, we need you to be more understanding. Yes, I know I have said that a beard is a man’s face scarf, but man flu is our body’s way of saying it thinks we’re magnificent. Well, I can’t disagree there. Yes, I maybe The Bearded Captain and an excellent Captain at that, but my soldiers please listen very carefully.

Don’t let the women folk tell you any different, man flu is a real thing and there was a proposal that man flu is treated under the NHS. I mean as good as that proposal was, that doesn’t go far enough!

I am not calling beardophobia *calls beardophobia* but I think there’s a lack of bearded equality. Those clean shaven imposters of men, have half of the symptoms of man flu, due to them being mistaken for looking like men, but don’t be fooled real men have beards!

Man flu is one of the most contagious forms of flu known to a man. There’s bird flu, swine flu and for the clean shaven Jessie’s there’s whine flu, but man flu really does top the lot.

Why is it so contagious? Well, only real men will know why … I know a beard has a lot of powers, but not even a beard can fight the man flu. When man flu is ready to leave your body after 6 months experts say (me) then you can carry on being awesome like normal.

I personally think we should be allowed to go to the bearded paradise (Dubai) and relax until your man flu decides to love you and leave you.

Such have been the powers of my man flu, a manager at work told me that my beard was messy …. and she was right, as I have been under the weather it has been suffering from some neglect, so even The Bearded Captain can have an off day …… on the rare occasions.

I will leave you with this, man flu is dangerous its symptoms gives you headaches, a “cough, and runny nose”. Mock us all you want, but I wouldn’t even wish man flu on my own worst enemy (clean shaven Jessie).

My bearded soldiers, look after yourselves this man flu can defeat out bodies, but it won’t defeat our bearded freedom! It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain, With Some Real Talk

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Don’t undermine me 😉

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my soldiers are all well inshaaAllah. I know you missed me my bearded children, but worry not I hadn’t gone far!

Literally my bearded children your bearded commander and chief and I had some “things” to deal with. Don’t worry though my bearded kids, we dealt with it swiftly (like two bosses as well may I add).

Ok so without further waffle, I need to just raise an issue or two in this blog my bearded chums. A once obedient beard has decided to take a walk down the dark side, Mr Adam Malik.

A bearded etiquette usually permits me from naming a shameful beard, but after consultation with the commander and chief himself ( Mr Ahmed Rashid) we felt we just had no other option, but to name and shame him.

What’s his crime I hear you ask? Well, my bearded children, the crime *fights back the tears* is this …… Adam Malik thinks a Tea is a bearded beverage and a coffee is meh *bursts into tears*. Guys that’s like calling one of my family members and shaving one of their beards.

Sorry let me gather myself after that emotional roller coaster, guys please note that if you want to be seen as a credible beard to others then you must bear in mind that a coffee is a bearded beverage.

To further make Adam’s case worse, instead of apologizing he has only gone on made things worse by being proud of his actions! *grabs yet another tissue from a box of tissues that is fastly emptying itself*

The insulting behavior doesn’t even stop there …… “What’s wrong with one trilby” *starts crying again, just as loud*. What’s? …… What’s wrong with another trilby he says.

Adam Malik and any other beard who holds the same opinion, you can never have enough trilbys. A story within a story based on true events.

Me; “Hiya mate, you’re alright pal”. After seeing a weird look my way.

Guy; “Yeah am alright pal. Listen where did you get that trilby from it looks awesome”.

Me; No flattered said, ” Aww cheers mate, Tesco in Altrincham”. And the conversation was left as that and his jaw needed to be amended rumor has it, after being left in awe due to my man fur and trilby, Allah huma barik.

Guys, a bit of a sour blog post today and that’s Adam’s fault. Remember, yes I love you all, but I will not have to do such blogs if certain beards would know their role in the bearded kingdom. It’s over and out from your bearded captain.

The Bearded Captain’s Guide Of What To Wear

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that inshaaAllah you’re all well. Since I love you so much, and I know the feeling is mutual ;). Boys and girls I have another instalment or insight from my wonderful mind and I give you today’s instalment from The Bearded Captain …… The Bearded Attire, or The Beardtire!

My bearded brothers, my bearded soldiers your training is getting more intense, now it’s the business end of your training. Thanks to my excellent leadership (if I may say so myself), your learning and development to be a good beard is improving.

Let’s recap what we have gone through so far, ok so I have taught you several things, I have taught you how to be a better beard for sure, but to be more specific I have taught you The Bearded Commandments. The Bearded Commandments, must be obeyed if they are not, how can you call yourself a true beard?

Other things we have discussed were how to get in the game, well that’s simple grow a beard that’s the best way to start, but make sure you’re funny and have that swag factor, gentlemen factor like me *adjusts his trilby, like a boss *. Make sure you keep yourself in good bearded company, the last thing you want is for your masculinity to go and your self-respect by going clean shaven. O dear *shudders at the thought*.

Thankfully though, you guys know the consequences of going clean shaven. (Being forced to buy your clothes from Mothercare, Baby Gap and Zara). No no! This is what you will get if you want to make your face look like a women’s or that of a girl!

After that lengthy recap I want to go on to today’s issue, how you should dress as a bearded soldier. Just like with the other steps bearded one, I don’t command or shall I say the beard doesn’t command you to be extra flamboyant.

I know what you’re thinking, what if I hit the town and I see this hot chick? Bearded Dude! One if this happens, you be calm and don’t act like a muppet! And two you let your beard do the talking. Remember if you perfume your beard (man fur) and keep it well gromed, chicks love that. Why won’t they?

Guys, what not to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Trackies is a no no. Guys this can pass off as a guy who “can’t be bothered”. If you want to pick up a chick that way, go on Jeremy Kyle I am sure he has loads of women who like that thing. Anyway back to my point of what not to wear. Hoodies, have to be approved by myself or The Commander and Chief.

Ties aren’t allowed either, only a select few. The reason why I say about the tie is that certain ties could threaten to upstage your man fur, *gasps for breath*. Your beard is the shining light of any dark room and shines brighter than any ladies beautiful smile. That says a lot about what the beard brings to the table.

Combats should be worn either, they just look unbeardy like. People with poorly maintained beards wear combats, we’re not poorly maintained beards!

Guys, what  to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Shirts are acceptable, but nothing too flowery ….. guys we are men! We don’t want to act like Dale Winton!  ……. a clean shaven jesse. Wide collar shirts are fine, but guys please no stupid colours.

In terms of footwear trainers are acceptable, but please your common sense. No Aasics trainers, I don’t really need to explain why. Suit shoes, boat shoes are fine but be wary of Timberland boots.  Me as your Captain, I wear a traditional garment called a Thobe, Chick Magnet or The Bearded Emperor’s Robe. (Sorry forgot to say that I am the aire to The  Bearded Emperor’s throne, which is currently occupied by the Retired Bearded Commander and soon to be retired Bearded Emperor Daddy Malik).

Fancy head wear is a must, it help you look like the bees knees. What the head wear should be is something that makes you look like a king with in yourself. For example a trilby or a snapback will do the trick.

So guys, I know this was an information packed blog, but I am a loving and caring captain. Rememeber guys ” A beard is 1% growth 99% atttidue and 110%, with the ability to make people laugh”.

There’s no point of having a face worth a million dollars due to your man fur, but then not have the dress sense to match. Where’s the sense in that? Guys yes I know you will be a babe magnet because of your man fur and your confidence has grown because of your man fur, but please your beard can walk out on your face.

Just like all the things we have gone through with the life of being a beard, I am showing I care. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; The Bearded Commandements

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from the bearded captain. I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah. Even as your captain, I must apologise and say that sorry for not being “around”.

You see the thing is, I was just testing you all to see how you would react when there’s no one around. Would the mice come out to play, when the top cat is away? You have answered this with an emphatic yes!

Hence why I am needing to do this bearded address, or beardress? (Thanks I am here all night) . Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman I need to add some more commandments to The Bearded Commandments. As discussed before this isn’t designed to burden you o bearded one, no! Rather the opposite, it’s meant to make your bearded life easy.

The Bearded Commandments will be 10, but as I said before they’re designed to not over burden you, my son. O contrary sir, O contrary. My young bearded soldier, remember The Bearded Pledge, you need to remember this because if you become a better beard, you become a better man, yes sir!

What is The Bearded Pledge? I hear you ask, young bearded one it is this, “A  beard is 1% growth 99% attitude and the ability to make people laugh and smile”, you won’t be as funny as me or as much of a charmer of the boys and girls like myself 😉  …. it’s best I tell you now so you don’t heart broken later on life. You should stroke your beard with a comb when you say the pledge in a ponderous wizardry manner even.

Ok, so boys and girls here are The  Bearded Commandments in full;

1. Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard (obvious I know but, yeah)
2.Thou shall give the bigger beard way (unless I come into the equation 😉  hehe.

3.Thou shall not forget his comb-like he would never forget his mobile phone.

4. *Thou shall perfume his beard and ensure it’s well groomed making sure it’s combed, neat and not wavy*.

*A wavy beard shows a man who lacks direction in life. If his beard goes in so many directions, how do you expect this guy to have direction in life? Ladies, you’re welcome, the other point about perfuming your beard ….. well that’s simple really, the beard is the most important part of the body.

5. Thou shall give another bearded brother a running bro hug if he compliments his beard in public. (Please note if a clean shave compliments your beard just only gives him a high-five in extreme circumstances, but a “cheers thanks mate”, should suffice.

6. Thou shall treat his woman with respect the same way he treats his beard with respect. (guys remember, you need your beard, not the other way round, PS ladies, if you see a man who has a beard know he is patient one and if you see his beard well cared for, know that he will care for you with all his heart too ….. you’re welcome).

7. Don’t directly look at another beard for more than five seconds without your Beardy ray glasses. (This is for health and safety. The man fur when well looked after, mashaaAllah it’s beautiful and is like a shining light).

8.  Thou shall straighten his beard once every three months, why so long? No, it’s not long if you look after it of course.

9. Thou shall not allow his beardy celebrity status get to get to his head, (be humble and don’t forget your beginnings, we were all clean shaven once. I know it’s tough to imagine, sorry to bring this up, but rules are rules ).

10. A beard, it’s not for girls. (Sorry I am not sexist, but I have had a few females on my social media in the past applying to be a bearded soldiers. Sorry ladies, it’s “bearded brothers” not sisters. )

If we follow these rules to start, one will live an easy life. Know that being a beard isn’t about growing facial hair. Some disobedient beards have shaved their beards off ! *Gasps for air* sorry guys, but it’s true. His punishment will be a good old donkey scrub in front of the beards he betrayed, this is the punishment if you don’t follow the first commandment.

Us beards, not only are we good beards, but we are good people too, don’t forget this. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.