The Bearded Captain, With Some Real Talk

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Don’t undermine me 😉

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my soldiers are all well inshaaAllah. I know you missed me my bearded children, but worry not I hadn’t gone far!

Literally my bearded children your bearded commander and chief and I had some “things” to deal with. Don’t worry though my bearded kids, we dealt with it swiftly (like two bosses as well may I add).

Ok so without further waffle, I need to just raise an issue or two in this blog my bearded chums. A once obedient beard has decided to take a walk down the dark side, Mr Adam Malik.

A bearded etiquette usually permits me from naming a shameful beard, but after consultation with the commander and chief himself ( Mr Ahmed Rashid) we felt we just had no other option, but to name and shame him.

What’s his crime I hear you ask? Well, my bearded children, the crime *fights back the tears* is this …… Adam Malik thinks a Tea is a bearded beverage and a coffee is meh *bursts into tears*. Guys that’s like calling one of my family members and shaving one of their beards.

Sorry let me gather myself after that emotional roller coaster, guys please note that if you want to be seen as a credible beard to others then you must bear in mind that a coffee is a bearded beverage.

To further make Adam’s case worse, instead of apologizing he has only gone on made things worse by being proud of his actions! *grabs yet another tissue from a box of tissues that is fastly emptying itself*

The insulting behavior doesn’t even stop there …… “What’s wrong with one trilby” *starts crying again, just as loud*. What’s? …… What’s wrong with another trilby he says.

Adam Malik and any other beard who holds the same opinion, you can never have enough trilbys. A story within a story based on true events.

Me; “Hiya mate, you’re alright pal”. After seeing a weird look my way.

Guy; “Yeah am alright pal. Listen where did you get that trilby from it looks awesome”.

Me; No flattered said, ” Aww cheers mate, Tesco in Altrincham”. And the conversation was left as that and his jaw needed to be amended rumor has it, after being left in awe due to my man fur and trilby, Allah huma barik.

Guys, a bit of a sour blog post today and that’s Adam’s fault. Remember, yes I love you all, but I will not have to do such blogs if certain beards would know their role in the bearded kingdom. It’s over and out from your bearded captain.

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The Bearded Captain’s Guide Of What To Wear

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that inshaaAllah you’re all well. Since I love you so much, and I know the feeling is mutual ;). Boys and girls I have another instalment or insight from my wonderful mind and I give you today’s instalment from The Bearded Captain …… The Bearded Attire, or The Beardtire!

My bearded brothers, my bearded soldiers your training is getting more intense, now it’s the business end of your training. Thanks to my excellent leadership (if I may say so myself), your learning and development to be a good beard is improving.

Let’s recap what we have gone through so far, ok so I have taught you several things, I have taught you how to be a better beard for sure, but to be more specific I have taught you The Bearded Commandments. The Bearded Commandments, must be obeyed if they are not, how can you call yourself a true beard?

Other things we have discussed were how to get in the game, well that’s simple grow a beard that’s the best way to start, but make sure you’re funny and have that swag factor, gentlemen factor like me *adjusts his trilby, like a boss *. Make sure you keep yourself in good bearded company, the last thing you want is for your masculinity to go and your self-respect by going clean shaven. O dear *shudders at the thought*.

Thankfully though, you guys know the consequences of going clean shaven. (Being forced to buy your clothes from Mothercare, Baby Gap and Zara). No no! This is what you will get if you want to make your face look like a women’s or that of a girl!

After that lengthy recap I want to go on to today’s issue, how you should dress as a bearded soldier. Just like with the other steps bearded one, I don’t command or shall I say the beard doesn’t command you to be extra flamboyant.

I know what you’re thinking, what if I hit the town and I see this hot chick? Bearded Dude! One if this happens, you be calm and don’t act like a muppet! And two you let your beard do the talking. Remember if you perfume your beard (man fur) and keep it well gromed, chicks love that. Why won’t they?

Guys, what not to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Trackies is a no no. Guys this can pass off as a guy who “can’t be bothered”. If you want to pick up a chick that way, go on Jeremy Kyle I am sure he has loads of women who like that thing. Anyway back to my point of what not to wear. Hoodies, have to be approved by myself or The Commander and Chief.

Ties aren’t allowed either, only a select few. The reason why I say about the tie is that certain ties could threaten to upstage your man fur, *gasps for breath*. Your beard is the shining light of any dark room and shines brighter than any ladies beautiful smile. That says a lot about what the beard brings to the table.

Combats should be worn either, they just look unbeardy like. People with poorly maintained beards wear combats, we’re not poorly maintained beards!

Guys, what  to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Shirts are acceptable, but nothing too flowery ….. guys we are men! We don’t want to act like Dale Winton!  ……. a clean shaven jesse. Wide collar shirts are fine, but guys please no stupid colours.

In terms of footwear trainers are acceptable, but please your common sense. No Aasics trainers, I don’t really need to explain why. Suit shoes, boat shoes are fine but be wary of Timberland boots.  Me as your Captain, I wear a traditional garment called a Thobe, Chick Magnet or The Bearded Emperor’s Robe. (Sorry forgot to say that I am the aire to The  Bearded Emperor’s throne, which is currently occupied by the Retired Bearded Commander and soon to be retired Bearded Emperor Daddy Malik).

Fancy head wear is a must, it help you look like the bees knees. What the head wear should be is something that makes you look like a king with in yourself. For example a trilby or a snapback will do the trick.

So guys, I know this was an information packed blog, but I am a loving and caring captain. Rememeber guys ” A beard is 1% growth 99% atttidue and 110%, with the ability to make people laugh”.

There’s no point of having a face worth a million dollars due to your man fur, but then not have the dress sense to match. Where’s the sense in that? Guys yes I know you will be a babe magnet because of your man fur and your confidence has grown because of your man fur, but please your beard can walk out on your face.

Just like all the things we have gone through with the life of being a beard, I am showing I care. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; The Bearded Commandements

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from the bearded captain. I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah. Even as your captain, I must apologise and say that sorry for not being “around”.

You see the thing is, I was just testing you all to see how you would react when there’s no one around. Would the mice come out to play, when the top cat is away? You have answered this with an emphatic yes!

Hence why I am needing to do this bearded address, or beardress? (Thanks I am here all night) . Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman I need to add some more commandments to The Bearded Commandments. As discussed before this isn’t designed to burden you o bearded one, no! Rather the opposite, it’s meant to make your bearded life easy.

The Bearded Commandments will be 10, but as I said before they’re designed to not over burden you, my son. O contrary sir, O contrary. My young bearded soldier, remember The Bearded Pledge, you need to remember this because if you become a better beard, you become a better man, yes sir!

What is The Bearded Pledge? I hear you ask, young bearded one it is this, “A  beard is 1% growth 99% attitude and the ability to make people laugh and smile”, you won’t be as funny as me or as much of a charmer of the boys and girls like myself 😉  …. it’s best I tell you now so you don’t heart broken later on life. You should stroke your beard with a comb when you say the pledge in a ponderous wizardry manner even.

Ok, so boys and girls here are The  Bearded Commandments in full;

1. Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard (obvious I know but, yeah)
2.Thou shall give the bigger beard way (unless I come into the equation 😉  hehe.

3.Thou shall not forget his comb-like he would never forget his mobile phone.

4. *Thou shall perfume his beard and ensure it’s well groomed making sure it’s combed, neat and not wavy*.

*A wavy beard shows a man who lacks direction in life. If his beard goes in so many directions, how do you expect this guy to have direction in life? Ladies, you’re welcome, the other point about perfuming your beard ….. well that’s simple really, the beard is the most important part of the body.

5. Thou shall give another bearded brother a running bro hug if he compliments his beard in public. (Please note if a clean shave compliments your beard just only gives him a high-five in extreme circumstances, but a “cheers thanks mate”, should suffice.

6. Thou shall treat his woman with respect the same way he treats his beard with respect. (guys remember, you need your beard, not the other way round, PS ladies, if you see a man who has a beard know he is patient one and if you see his beard well cared for, know that he will care for you with all his heart too ….. you’re welcome).

7. Don’t directly look at another beard for more than five seconds without your Beardy ray glasses. (This is for health and safety. The man fur when well looked after, mashaaAllah it’s beautiful and is like a shining light).

8.  Thou shall straighten his beard once every three months, why so long? No, it’s not long if you look after it of course.

9. Thou shall not allow his beardy celebrity status get to get to his head, (be humble and don’t forget your beginnings, we were all clean shaven once. I know it’s tough to imagine, sorry to bring this up, but rules are rules ).

10. A beard, it’s not for girls. (Sorry I am not sexist, but I have had a few females on my social media in the past applying to be a bearded soldiers. Sorry ladies, it’s “bearded brothers” not sisters. )

If we follow these rules to start, one will live an easy life. Know that being a beard isn’t about growing facial hair. Some disobedient beards have shaved their beards off ! *Gasps for air* sorry guys, but it’s true. His punishment will be a good old donkey scrub in front of the beards he betrayed, this is the punishment if you don’t follow the first commandment.

Us beards, not only are we good beards, but we are good people too, don’t forget this. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Commandments!

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence. Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my soldiers are ok inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards! Just like yesterday, I have an important issue to make you aware of, this my bearded brothers is the issue of The Bearded Commandments.

The Bearded Commandments is only available in  blog form (from this blog). There are several  bearded commandments, but don’t think I am over bearing you o bearded one. It’s simple, if you follow these bearded commandments, I promise you, inshaaAllah you will win in life.

Bearded brothers, I am a testament to the bearded commandments and again I thank The Commander and Chief for being such a good teacher to me. Yes, he did give me a lot of tough love which included a few demotions in the bearded ranks.

I can’t lie, it did hurt immensely, but it has made me the beard I am today (Gorgeous to men and women alike,Allah Huma Barik) and being a beacon if light through my beard. So below I will give you a list of The Bearded Commandments, which even myself as The Captain adheres to each and every day.

To not over burden you bearded brothers, I will give you a few commandments each day.

Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard; No But’s!

You might be surprised this is an actual commandment, but as discussed in yesterday’s post I have to mention this, it’s simple I can’t afford any more disloyal soldiers in the ranks.

If you shave your beard, you will lose your powers of seduction of the boys and girls, as well as your magic powers of making people laugh. If you become clean shaven, then you will just turn into a “normal guy”.

Bearded broother you are not just normal, you are unique and magnificent (MashaaAllah).

It goes without saying, you will have to buy your clothes from Baby Gap or Mothercare because you resemble the look of a baby and you will not be allowed into the men’s toilets either.

Bearded brother, it’s so much better to be different …. don’t be like sheep, rather be like the lone wolf, but you are the leader of the pack because the “wolfs” will follow you because of your beard, don’t forget this!

Thou Shall Give The Bigger Beard The Right Of Way ….. Always!

This law is quite simple really, if you are walking down a narrow road or in your car etc, you will give way to your big bearded brother. The reason is simple, shorter bearded one you haven’t attained the level of  patience of your longer bearded brother.

In The Bearded Commandments we don’t believe no race is superior to another, but having a longer beard has certain perks you won’t get with having a shorter beard. Failure to adhere to this rule would lead to not being able to sit near me at the  of the round table and furthermore you would have to sit as far as away from me as possible.

We are united by the beard brothers. I mentioned this before, you are a boss because of your beard. Remember this phrase and inscribe this into your hearts bearded brothers, “the beard made you who you are and you are nothing without your beard”

Thou Shall Carry A Comb In His Pocket Like He Does His Mobile Phone

Again this is another obvious rule, in the list of The Bearded Commandments. You must never forget your comb, ever! As mentioned in a previous blog, your beard messy is like a rough diamond, a diamond isn’t beautiful rough so why allow your man fur to be like such?

A well-groomed beard is what gives you your man powers and this is what makes you win at life and be nearly as funny as I am. When you leave your phone at home, that sinking feeling follows …. leaving your comb at home is much worse than that.

“It’s only 20p and you can get some from the £1 shop”,is a comment which I will not be tolerated, no sir!  Bearded brother the last time some one said that, guess what happened? That person wasn’t  mentioned  for 30 days. They were not to be sat with or their food  to be shared with for 30 days either.

Cherish your comb, it’s an unsung hero in your life due to the beard being well combed, you will have to wear special beardy glasses to protect yourself from your eyes being damaged, if you look at a fellow beard directly.

Bearded soldiers, worry not if you follow these rules to start with, the other rules will come naturally. If you become a better beard, you will have become a better man

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence

inshaaAllah. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; With the beard comes responsibility

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence. David Hunter take note

Hello and greetings my soldiers,it’s me again, The Bearded Captain. As your bearded captain I thank you for being such brilliant soldiers, you know what I say, a captain is as good as his soldiers and you people are lovely soldiers to be responsible of.

Ok, that’s the mushy stuff out of the way. Please note The Bearded Captain works on a “tough love” policy. With that in mind, I am sorry to say fellow bearded brothers, one of your soldiers has let you down, us all down.

Brace yourselves guys ……. I know of someone who has shaved his beard off *fights back the tears*. As I struggle to write this, containing the emotions are very difficult at this point, but I am The Bearded Captain, a leader needs to be tough no matter what.

Know my fellow bearded brothers I love you, but for the scared bond that is the beard, I will not, I repeat not! Totlerate people shaving their beards off. As a consequence, clean shaven Judas you will now be called Davina and will only be allowed to use the ladies toilets.

No sir, you are the one who ignored the first command of The Bearded Commandments. Thou shall not shave his beard! No ifs and buts …. period! As I have discusssed before a beard teaches us to be patient and loyal, ladies if you see this man know if he can cheat on his face, he can cheat on you too ….. you’re welcome.

I need to show strong leadership, but to say I am devastated is an under statement. I had hopes of you my son, but you let yourself down, your family down, your cats down and the neighbours cats down! Stating the obvious you let  your own face down as well as your bearded brothers, you let them down too, some are distraught .

Cats may have nine lives, but they lost them all in that one instance when they found out you removed your man fur, due the utter grief and sadness you have caused them (the cats). “It’s hot” and “I will grow it back again” just won’t wash with me …. nope, even if I do love you, sorry did love you.

You can’t eat with us at the men’s table, you will have to eat with the children because you look like a child. This is your fault, but fortunately for you, as I am kind Bearded Captain you will have the chance to redeem yourself, but be patient young one …. you need to re-learn the value of patience.

You were one of my excellent soldiers and keys to the kingdom were not too far away. I mean you wore the suit every day and you looked good when you wore the Cuban Pimp hat, but you have forgotten your roots and the value of good things coming to those who wait.

David Hunter, you have broken my heart, I will have to make an example of you like I am doing to show that no one is above The Bearded Commandments.

I was like you once, young and naive …. but I have to do this. Maybe I didn’t tell you The Bearded Commandments, but I told you the golden rule(Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard). Due to the seriousness of the crime, (shaving your beard). I will have to consult The Commander and Chief Ahmed Rashid in regards to this, such is the seriousness of the matter. Yes, I maybe The Bearded Captain, but even I know my rank. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!

The Bearded Captain Here To Address An Issue

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. A little tribute to our bearded grandfather, the Cuban Fidel Castro.

 

Hello, greetings it’s me again your bearded captain. I hope all my bearded brethren are ok inshaaAllah. I have an issue that has been playing on my mind, no it’s not when I become the Bearded President of the United States Of Beardland inshaaAllah that’s a case of when rather than if.

No my fellow bearded brothers, it’s the issue of the comb and the maintenance of the beard. I have to apologise (even Bearded Kings need to be humble sometimes). The reason for the apology is this, I am sure after reading this blog, the clean shaven amongst you in their 10’s have started to grow a beard but haven’t known how to handle the addition to his life (the beard).

My clean shaven “friend” who is starting his journey in growing a beard, this blog is for you I guess. Despair not when you first grow your beard, if you are in the right environment (alongside fellow beards) then all worries will vanish. If however you are amongst clean shaven men, I fear for your masculinity, and if that’s the case The Bearded Captain says ….. get new friends!

So we have to deal with the issue at hand, how to maintain the beard . This is something that shouldn’t make you loose sleep bearded one, no sir …. as a bearded individual we embrace all challenges!

As I mentioned before, bearded brothers comb your beard and make it sparkle! If you want to get back in the “game”, believe me she doesn’t care about your dead end job …. she is woowed by that man fur.

But Bearded Prince, just because you have a woman in the palm of your hand don’t get arrogant, yes you maybe  almost as funny as me … but this is because of the magical powers of your beard and by reading these blogs.

We beardies are gentlemen, if women in their 10’s maybe 100’s show intrest in you, deal with it like a boss, but be a keeper …. the beard teaches you to be loyal and have patience in life. Bearded one, now you are winning at life (because you have a beard) don’t blow it with a  comment that a clean shaven man would be heard saying.

A man with a messy beard is like a rough diamond, but we need to ensure we keep the diamond shining. So going to the beard salon is a must. At the beard salon you are excused to act like a diva because your beard is your flag bearer, so much so that if you were to beshipwrecked, rumour has it a guy can see the radiation of his fellow bearded brother’s beard and this will help him to get to shore if there was ever a state of emergency of that nature.

Not too short, not too long …. you can be excused on this occasion when you’re at the beard salon to expect to act like a prima donna, but the longer the better (in my opinion). I heard there is a new Harry Potter film due to release soon, maybe stardom could even be awaiting you …. because of your beard!

The Bearded Captain leaves you with this bit of advice, perfume your beard (Mont Blanc Legend is a perfume I prefer to use) and even use hairwax. When I was a Bearded Prince, my choice was David Beckham’s hair wax, but now I mainly use beard oil. I think it’s fair to say I have given you a lot of advice over these past few days young bearded one.

PS please note I am from Manchester, emphasis on the MAN- chester. For those of you who don’t want to embrace the inner man (grow a beard) , but live in my city, please note the city of Womanchester is only 20 minutes away. There you might feel at home, anyway It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Today, will go down as a tribute to our bearded grandfather from Cuba, Fidel Castro.

 

The Day Of The Bearded Captain; Cuban Pimp Day

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Today, will go down as Cuban Pimp day. Bearded brothers rejoice!

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain,I hope all my soldiers are doing well and are in the process of growing beards, if you haven’t already. So let me tell you about my day, I know you’re dying to know about it!

To tell you about my day today, I have to make a mention of the day before. It started with a very random decision for me to “suit up!” I mentioned this to my colleague and with a look of confusion, he just politely smiled at the suggestion.

So the first thing to note here, when The Bearded Captain says he’s going to suit up, he isn’t joking. This is something I don’t joke about, I can joke about anything else, but the suit is like the bearded body armour and tops of The Bearded Captain look, alongside the trilby of course.

As previously mentioned fellow bearded men, you are now irresistible to men and women alike, so you need to have the right mind to deal with it like I do. So after waking up and going to McDonald’s with my bestie Joseph (in the Cuban Pimp look as well I must add), the admiring looks were many, so be cool calm and collected this is a must.

A walk with a bit of swag and the look that you’re the boss is natural, but don’t make it too obvious to the no doubt admiring public.

With the looks of the ultimate man mashaaAllah and the panache of a Cuban Pimp, glances were many and comments of awe were many too. Fellow beardy, be calm in such situations, you wouldn’t be in such a situation if it wasn’t for your man fur. It doesn’t need you, no no …. you need it!

So into work I walked, wary of the jaws dropping with my elegance and Va Va Voom mashaaAllah. “You look sharp” and “you look nice” comments followed, but alhamdulillah I know.

The comment which topped it off, though, was this one “you look like a sugar daddy”, my dear I am the daddy …. there’s a difference. Why I make such a statement, that is due to the empowerment that the man fur gives me (Allah huma barik).

Fellow beardy’s, today in work was dress down day, but in the life of The Bearded Captain, one doesn’t do dress down. The only time one does dress down is when everyone dresses up. Bearded Prince of mine, be proud of being different!

We are unique, there’s a difference. Not many people in life, are prepared to make a sacrifice (keeping a beard), but the satisfaction of accompishing something, makes it all worth it. I can’t keep doing these blogs, without mentioning The Bearded Captain’s mentor The Commander and Chief (Alpha) ….. Ahmed Rashid.

Now we have mentioned about needing an attitude to grow the beard, boys and girls my teacher (The Commander and Chief) has played a pivotal role in making me the beard I am today.

The Bearded Captain, leaves you with this piece of advice, never forget your beginnings bearded brethren. Today  (25th November) will go down in the calendar as Cuban Pimp day, fellow bearded brothers on this day, be sure to suit up!

A Day In The Life Of The Bearded King

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence

 

Bearded magnificence, doesn’t come to all naturally. Some are born with it, some have to take special measures to allow the man fur to come into their lives. If you are Asian like me, this isn’t usually the case, we seem to have face on our hair as soon as we come out of our mother’s wombs.

Alhamdulillah, to be The Bearded Prince (or King in my case), The Bearded Knight In Shining Armour, my journey to be The Bearded King of my kingdom took years of patience and “you should shave this off, coz you look ugly”.

Hold on Mrs Hamilton, no need to get jealous because your facial hair isn’t as good as mine Allah Huma Barik. To get your facial hair as good as mine, first thing let it grow (Alhamdulillah) and second allow the inner man to take over.

Stating the obvious you might think, you think right but you will be surprised for how many men ignore this fact and take the easy route out (shaving). Fellas no no, just don’t it’s just not worth it!

I know you fellas love to be the top dog in front of the lads and the centre of attention in front of the ladies. With a simple ingredient fellas (a beard) walla this can be accomplished! You may have an itchy face and want to scratch so hard you have scars, but the right chick will know you’re a patient one and that you’re a keeper.

The facial hair is not enough, it’s all fair and well having your new bearded companion as well as the comb, but you need that self belief. So, fellow bearded men, women (actual women and clean-shaven men) let me tell you about my day.

It started off simple enough, you know the usual come into work to the preisdential welcome,let people that they can get my signed autograph at 11am, you know just the usual.

Why such the comotion over me, I am not saying it’s due to my facial hair, (but it is). The carefree attitude I have and the non-stop banter are key elements to being The Bearded King being able to rule his kingdom.

Walking the walk is one thing, but no sir you need to have the self belief when talking to people too. Me sir, Alhamdulillah when I talk they love to laugh it’s like my words are like as magical  as my facial hair.

Bearded fellas let them know (non bearded imposters) who is the king of the castle. To grow such magnificence on your face signifies, you are confident who you are. With this confidence with speaking and in real life, to keep the chicks at bay, even for the strongest and devout men can be hard.

A beard is 99% attitude  (this could include some slick head wear *see image*)and 1% actually growing it, but 110% magnificent. My day Alhamdulillah was awesome because I have Allah and my beard, along side the comb (second wife) and beard oil (the mistress), what else do you need in life?

PS Jack my Bearded Prince carries beard oil and he will follow in my footsteps if I retire, but can you actually retire from being this awesome and having such awesome facial hair ? (mashaaAllah) . Boys and girls I think not.

The Perfect Cake By Professor Choco Cake Lover

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Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls I am sure you have been aware that I have been writing some blog posts of some “scientific findings”. My first study was over the Dixy Chicken burger and the other study was of the man fur that is the beard.

This blog post will let you know the outcome of my other study, the study of the chocolate cake. Again just like our friends at Dixy Chicken, this time our other friends at Dessert Republic also in Chorlton Manchester, to deserve an epic high five.

Located in the town centre of the Chorlton town centre, boys and girls these chappies make you feel like the bee’s knees (and no I am not on comission either), I genuinely mean this . For those of you who know me, you would know I am an avid researcher in the field of eating and in particular the eating of cakes.

The cake is a cake, some argue ….. if you are of this opinion, please don’t get offended when I say this, but if anyone holds that opinion I will have to buy a 10lb weight of fish and slap it accross your face. You would deserve it too!

Anyway,a cake isn’t just a cake ….. no no, not even close. A cake comes in different forms, there is the supermarket cake, there’s Karim’s cake, the Nawaab’s cake and O yes the beautiful Dessert Republic cake.

As I have said this before, I consider myself an expert in the field. Well putting on the weight that I have done, that surely hasn’t gone in vain let me assure you! So boys and girls what makes the good cake.

I have noted a few different examples of cake, let’s start with the bad examples. That is Karim’s’ cake and that of the supermarket stuff. Now, some may argue I am being harsh, but no when they say sponge cake, I don’t literally expecting to be eating the sponge. If I wanted to eat the scouring pad, I would have done by buying some from the £1 shop, but no thanks, not on this occasion.

I could have poured my whole glass of water in there and it still would have been hard as a rock. Talk about stuck between a rock in a hard place!

Not too moist, no no but not too dry is the reason why both the supermarket cake and Karims’ cake is out of the running, guys I have done my research I know what I am talking about.

When I have a cake, I want it to be as soft and warm as my heart and not as hard and cold as my ex’s. Nawaab’s and the Dessert Republic both do this perfectly (cake at the right temperature) , but the reason why I love the Dessert Republic cake is because it’s a place you can go to day in, day out and even Nawaabs have had a bad day at the office.

Your visit to Dessert Republic isn’t one to do on your own, because that’s the key rule when going out (never eat or drink on your own) but that isn’t saying bother the person randomly at your next table and pretend that you know them, that’s just creepy.

I have never done that … honest hahaha.

Soft, and melt in your mouth like cake which is succulent and not too soft and not too hard is what a cake should be, with the smooth chocolate gushing as you press your spooon into the cake,  the guys at the Dessert Republic I literally salute you. Just when I thought the art form of the perfect cake was dying out, you my friend said “we got this Ayyaz” and you were true to your word.

The nice sprinkle of the Dessert Republic on my plate, that just makes something better and better. Am I being biased? Check for yourself. Nawaabs is good, but it doesn’t have the same touch, personal touch as what the Dessert Republic has. I rest my case, I will take my blank cheque in the post ….. thank you.

*Disclaimer, I wrote this for part sattire and for my general love of Dessert Republic and my views don’t represent theirs thank you*

The Bearded Captain Here With A Few Words

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence

Hello, greetings from your Bearded Captain. Before I was appointed (or self-appointed) as The Bearded Captain, life was very sad *sad face*. I before my new fancy title was known as Ayyaz Malik, a man who was epic, but didn’t believe the hype of his own magnificence with a beard, hence why I didn’t have one.

I have grown up to become quite the man alhamdulillah and with The All Mighty’s help, quite the beard too. Big,thick and with ginger strands …. ladies please I am reserved for the special one.

Sorry to be such the heartthrob and heartbreaker, but it’s the perils of having facial hair I guess. Just a polite note to you fellas who might be reading this post, please note you can be just as magnificent as me (alhamdulillah).

It’s not really a secret, nope nothing like the Colonel’s secret in what he puts in the KFC chicken scale of secret, no sir ….. not at all! This young man is something quite simple, grow a beard!

I can’t, I hear some of you say – No, don’t worry at least don’t use the razor, this is for “women”. A man’s face is magnificent (Allah Huma Barik) of course it is, it’s created by the all mighty, let nature take its path.

Fella’s let me let you into the magic of growing some “facial fur”. It keeps you warm, it’s like a napkin (it catches your food) and most obviously it makes you a babe magnet. Another thing, you can have the chance of an extra 15-20 minutes lie in because you’re not shaving, o yes!

So let me tell you of my journey in growing a beard, it was nothing too special, but something I feel I should share. It was a cold miserable night and my stubble was a week old. Fed up of the teppie Jaw Lines and looking like “Shaz or Immy” from Bradford, I felt “Na Bro” I’m a banda innit.

Not liking shaving from the start, I said “sod this” enough is enough! It’s time to grow up and embrace the inner man. Scared how people will react, I threw caution to the wind and morphed into this magnificent specimen that is me (Ayyaz Malik ,The Bearded Captain).

All my life, I was shy in front of the boys and girls, but with my new found friend (my beard) I had to readjust my mindset and deal with the newly found female attention. They would laugh and giggle, I felt like a rock star – except I don’t do the sex, drugs + rock and roll.

To couple with my beard, my humour grew on people too …. it was like my beard mesmerised people and made them up for a laugh. Everything I touched turned to gold, Alhamdulillah.

It can be distracting to fend off so many people who love you coz of your new found fame (your beard), but it’s good for the “man pride”. Ladies if you’re jealous of the man fur, I am afraid you can’t grow it like we can, although some try their best.

The Bearded Captain leaves you with this last piece of advice. Growing a beard teaches you a few life skills. How to be awesome, magnificent and most of all patient (for the married men, due to praying women being mesmerised by the handsomeness of your face mashaaAllah).

My beard and I love you and leave you, bearded fellas don’t forget your comb. The comb is your new life long companion! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.