Bad beard habits

Hello and good evening my Bearded Beloved’s it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Shining Bearded Knights, I want to talk about an important issue in the life of Beard. The issue of bad habits. We all have them, if you ask women they will say men have a habit of leaving the toilet seat up and well … breathing.

My Bearded Soldiers, as much as they want to say want to say they have a point, I want to talk about bad Bearded Habits. Bearded Stallions, we all have them! So for me, I would have this strange habit of running through my beard with my thumbs and finger, at bottom of the Beard (near the Adam’s Apple part).

I would what I describe as flick my Beard for many minutes upon end, it annoys me but I still do it sometimes!

Unfortunately, the habit doesn’t end there, I even feather other parts of my Beard too. Now, I have been thinking for so long, what the solution to this is, brothers – I still don’t definitely have one. What can say is this, now I carry my Beard Comb with me, the habit has severely reduced.

A habit, is a habit and can take a real effort to refrain from I think. There is one other Beard habit I have heard of, the eating of the Beard. My Shining Beards in armour, I know you will be thinking of biting nails and to put spice on your fingers is the solution.

Well, if you’re Asian, will it though? We Asian’s are born with spice ….. (not that kind) the curry spice kind. Brothers, you can’t put spice on your Beard so that’s not one solution, so brothers if you feel you fall foul to this then maybe try perfuming your Beard.

The fragrance, depending on the one you use smells like fragranced soap. My Soldiers, would you eat soap? I will answer that, no! You’re not five years old anymore!

Other Beard habits for some men is shaving theirs ….. *rolls eyes*. Brothers, put the razor down! A razor is for shaving your head, your legs (mine are fine the way they are thanks) and your err herm.

Ideally try to busy yourself and not make time to day dream, brothers I think for me when I do my Beard habit, it’s coz I am day dreaming. Maybe some food for thought here, try to make yourselves busy and keep your minds occupied?

A busy mind, doesn’t make your hand Beard find, if you get the jist of what I am saying.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Thanks to my dear brother Beard for this suggestion. An important issue, needed to be talked about.

Hello and good evening, here I Ayyaz Malik talk about bad Beard habits

The Afro Caribbean and Far Eastern Beard

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Super Heroes, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers, we need to talk. My beloved’s just want to remind you of what you already know, you’re awesome and amazing, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

You may not be on the front cover of a Marvel Comic, or starring as one of the super heroes in the blockbuster films. Batman you are not, you’re much stronger than him (you have the will to not shave unlike him) and you’re not like Superman, you can see shaving is for women and a waste of time.

Superman can see everything bar that. Spiderman, well he got himself into a web, by designed to use the Gillette to glide through his face, when gliding through the city with his web rope wasn’t good enough.

Well my Beards, we know what we would do, if we had the choice. Talking of choice, growing a beard is a choice, a good choice the best choice, but a choice never the less. One set of our brothers, the brothers from The Far East make that choice to keep a Beard.

So what? Bo hoo, I hear you mention my darlings. If I tell you that Asian’s (from the Subcontinent) grow their facial hair like Werewolves, you will nod in agreeance. So when I mention our brothers from China, Korea, Vietnam, Hong Kong or Japan for example, then know their beards (quite a few of them) don’t grow like other beards.

Similar to some of our Afro Caribbean brothers ( brothers from Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa, Egypt Lebanon and many more no doubt) , their beards don’t grow fully from the sides and they don’t get much facial hair growth from under the chin either. This would be so easy to just say you know what, I can’t grow a beard I will shave it off, but to their credit they keep their Beards.

So those of you who keep Goatees or even shave your beards when you can fully grow yours on the sides, just think for a minute – think about the brothers who would give their right arm for being able to grow a beard (that’s metaphorical we’re not insinuating anyone to go limbless).

So with out inadvertently sounding like a UNICEF advert, brothers think, please don’t shave, by not shaving you will be releasing your inner man. In a world that has 99 genders and a man appearing day by day to be not even one, then for the sake of your masculinity put the blade down!

Shaving is for he who is balding (me) and for your hairs in the where the sun doesn’t shine areas.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good morning, here I Ayyaz The Bearded Captain Malik talk about our unsung heroes, the Afro Carribean and Eastern Beards

What seems good as a kid, but not as an adult

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, the flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Beloved’s I want to take you down a trip down memory lane of sorts. My Bearded Hero’s I will explain. I am sure I am not the only one, but when you were little weren’t there things that seemed so cool, but just don’t now when you’re an adult?

Let me explain, when I was little I used to be so thrilled when I got a letter, now when I get a letter the feeling of mini dread takes over, why? Coz it’s usually a bill or in my case a parking fine! *wipes the tears from his cheeks*.

Another thing, when I was little was I used to think I was all grown up when I used to push the trolley in the supermarket, these days? Na, someone else can do it, it’s too much effort! Also, do you remember when you were a kid and you used to go weak at the knees whenever you were 1 square mile of a McDonalds and were like mum can we go, can we go?

That was purely on the legendary smell that came out of there. These days your nose doesn’t have the same sentiments to Maccies if once did.

That doesn’t happen either, sense has prevailed. Now, Maccies fans don’t go up in arms, just the realisation of when you’re older, one you have to pay for it and two a Fish O Fillet, doesn’t even touch the surface of filling your stomach up!

Talking of smell, petrol once a smell you could and I quote ‘marry’ just doesn’t have that same feeling to it. Maybe I was married to it, if you catch my drift 😉 .

This next example is a positive example and opposite of this whole blog post, but who remembers when they were kids and were told to go shops to by for their mum some groceries. The shop would be down the road, but you as a young kid in your mind used to see it as one all might walk.

When you would depart, you would be there as if you’re leaving to go for military service and when you return, you act all rejoicing when you complete your mission. These days, that walking voyage, can be done, well not quite in two ticks, but near enough that.

When you were little, you used to hate sleep, remember that? Now well, when you sleep these days it’s like please give me more, give more!

Sorry brothers, I know we were talking about some examples of adulthood coming in the way of things you used to enjoy when you were a kid, but adulthood has the odd good thing about it. Maybe those films, that were too scary or the Frankie Vaughan films (if that’s your thing) you weren’t allowed to watch as kid, but you can now as an adult.

But to conclude, brothers as an adult, you have to cook, clean and wash yourself. When you were a kid, this was all done for you. Where’s that time machine when you need it! The only thing, I was different about my childhood?

That my Beard could have been there with me through the journey. Having said that, I would have lost my ‘cute looks’ 😎 haha!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good evening, here I talk about what is good when you’re a child, but not as a child

I talk Pakistani dramas

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Stallions, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue and that is the issue of Asian dramas, nay Pakistan dramas. Actually, nay is a word used in ‘the Motherland’, it means no .

Where do I start my Soldiers. First thing, I have to say is that a lot of the stories in those dramas, involve the following plots. Man loves girl, who loves other man, girl loves man who loves her and other girl.

Girl likes man – breaks up man from girl to muscle in to be his girl.

Did you get that? I am saying, that a lot of is love story related and also the man marrying a second wife and the first wife going into a complete meltdown. If that’s not the main plot, then surely it’s the wife coming into the husbands house and well it ends up in verbals with her mother in-law.

A lot of verbal sparring ensues, verbal sparring that Dwayne The Rock Johnson would be proud of and then the mother in-law or the daughter in-law ends up apologizing come the end of the drama that’s usually of a duration of just the 75 episodes if it’s quick.

The length of the drama is usually one hour, including the never ending compensation claims adverts or ‘peer saab’ claiming to work miracles, yet that very same peer saab wouldn’t recognise me if I was to call him. Quite the miracle worker? Clearly not if he doesn’t who would be calling him.

We can’t forget to mention half of the episode is in their version of English and a recap of the last episode, even though the episode starts with a recap.

If I wanted to watch Emerdale or Corrie, I would have done! They speak English for no reason to the story.

To add to the Pakistani drama checklist, I mean that each drama will contain any of these subplots. A boy wants to marry a girl, but parents say no, or vice versa. A mother in-law, aunt or uncle are pure evil to a niece, nephew or their own flesh and blood.

Add also in that check list, is that they love to destroy a lot of crockery and kitchen utensils shall we say. If you don’t want them, I know a guy who will, just stop with the breakages please! Same goes with the aftershave and perfume bottles.

I would personally take them off your hands, if you don’t want, I never say no to chocolate or perfume! Probably 99% of them are set in Karachi and also note that the person who has been wronged always gets justice.

The one who wrongs, either apologies or gets wronged themselves, yes that does sound a lot like a Dhar Mann video. There is one good thing about Pakistani dramas brothers, a lot of the actors are keeping short beards.

I know, it’s a short beard, but it’s a start. In the English dramas, the storylines vary, but most of the actors are clean shaven. With the Asian dramas, they try to teach the viewer life lessons, where as English dramas leaves you wondering will Grant Mitchell rise from the dead again?

Ross Kemp, who plays Grant Mitchell, is like The Undertaker, (whose character never dies). In Pakistani dramas, they always show the rich and poor divide and how differently poor people are treated to the rich and how arrogant the rich are.

One of the last things, and yes this is probably the most annoying is how there will one family in the drama who will say ‘hello mom, good morning’. Man! You’re not American, nor do you sound like it either.

Also, why do they have such a massive spread for two people!? Find it infuriating! PS, someone will have a business, work in an office or be involved in Politics. Brothers, you’re welcome. Whether it be Asian, English or Scottish dramas, if you watch them long enough, you get hooked!

Damn it! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good evening, here I talk about Pakistani dramas

A ‘sweetie shop’ for Beards

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded hero’s, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries (and succeeds hehe) to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Stallions, with your face medallions your the bees knees. I think the phrase should be modified to, you’re the Beards Knees, so Brothers you are that now. I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards!

My Soldiers, you’re the Beard winners of your face and your life. I want to talk about something important in the life if Beards, it’s the issue of what us Beards see as the proverbial ‘sweetie shop’. The commas, highlight this is more in the metaphorical sense.

Brothers, retail therapy is a phrase often associated with women. This phrase as you know refers to shopping as a coping mechanism for women. Usually that tends to be clothes shopping, spas, salon treatments or health care/beauty products.

I am not a woman, but I can imagine this is the things they do for when in need of therapy. My Beloved’s we too need therapy. For me, it’s vlogging and blogging to you lovely souls and the occasional bit of my own retail therapy.

This is in essence what I want to type about here. Brothers, we men need retail therapy too and I am sure it’s the perfume shop! With fragrances that are more ‘masculine’ because they’re a strong scent or the lighter smells, the ones that you can actually breathe afterwards when you spray, perfumes shopping is a hidden gem.

From £10 -£110 and even more than that, fellas buying perfumes is an experience. Depending if you’re like me, then the perfume selection perfume is meticulous! Not too strong that you choke on your smell and not too light, that you can’t smell you’re wearing perfume.

Aftershave/perfume should be sprayed in such a way, that you can smell it and a person that comes near you (hugs you). What you shouldn’t do is have fragrance that can be smelt hundreds of yards away, even outdoors!

Don’t need to swim in your Sauvage or Creed. When I am going through the test process, it’s stringent (ask the ladies in Superdrug in Hyde market all those years ago). Both of my arms are filled with different scents and my hands are too – as well as my clothes.

Sorry shop assistants who are left in a scented daze, as perfume smells are left in my wake as I go from one bottle to the next, but it becomes worth it in the end. One of the most important aspects of Beard life, is having a nice smelling and maintained one.

If there is a shop that does fragrances and Beard products (there is many), then that’s the ‘sweetie shop’ for men. You’re spoilt for choice and get to give yourself too bits of therapy as nothing beats a good smell man/beard as well as a man who is well groomed with a well groomed beard.

Brothers, you would have noticed how I didn’t say for me to go to the Beard care shop. The reason is simple, since my five years of being Bearded leader, I have not had to buy any Bearded products for myself. #truestory.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and Greetings from The Bearded Captain, here I talk about the sweet shop for beards

The fresh cut beard

Hello and good morning my beautiful brothers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My soldiers, I want to talk to you about an important issue in the life of Beards. My beloved’s I want to talk to you about the fresh trimmed or the freshly cut beard.

Of course, when I say fresh cut beard, this isn’t too much that your Beard looks close to non existent, and worse still looks like a two day stubble. I can’t relate fully here, but can to a point, but when you get a hair cut it’s the best feeling and possibly the worst.

I will clarify what I mean my Beards. Brothers, the just trimmed feeling is one of the best known to man, but there is a flipside. The flipside is this is you have long hair and have trimmed it in a certain way, you’re paranoid in case it moves out of place.

You might deny this, but we all do it. The wary of the wind now blowing your hair and ruining your style. For me, as I am bald, no I don’t have to worry about using too much Mr Sheen, no brothers for me it’s when I shave my head and think I am done, I can spend hours on end searching for little hair that I might have missed.

The funny thing is with that, there have been times where I have done my hair, gone out noticed I have not shaved a bit and as I come home, run my hand over my head- get the razor blade and shave over the offending part.

With beards there is this problem too, the issue of being paranoid of when you just cut it. Now, brothers I don’t cut it thinking the barber has missed a spot when he has just done it. No my beloved’s my problem is, is that I almost hold my beard when it’s windy, not wanting my beard style to get ruined.

I get beard itches and I am paranoid, not to itch too much, other wise beard looks messy. I also stare in the mirror, even longer than I normally do and carefully put my beard with water and the Beard balm.

I get very paranoid, I pat my Beard down and I am paranoid, in case I over pat my Beard down. Once this paranoia settles down, you get some time to revel in your well groomed looked, but if my cousin is to be believed, you should cut your hair every two to three weeks.

With your Beard I would say every month, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good morning, my Brothers in Beard, here I model off my freshly cut Beard.

Things that don’t come off

Hello and good afternoon my Brothers, it’s me your Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Soldiers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Beloved’s we need to talk, what we need to talk about is some things that irritates The Captain and no doubt you too. Brothers, I am sure you’re the same, but have you ever spilt something and then it doesn’t come out of your clothes for example? Here Brothers, I want to talk of something along these lines.

Brothers, one of the worst feelings is, seeing someone clean shaven I know, but another example is getting super glue on your hands. The stickiness, isn’t like getting the sugar frosting in your hands, no!

This my Beards is like your thumb or fingers getting suffocated and then your hand crinkles up! This is a fate you won’t wish on your worst enemy. Thankfully, after a few days it does sort itself out, after the hours of filing the roughness, I must add.

Another example is when bleach touches clothes, or colour run! Many of clothes have been ruined due to that deadly duo! With the colour run, never ever does it make an additional ‘nice’ colour, it has go and ruin it!

There is the colour run remover which has been discovered, thank God for that! The last thing of the things you can’t get out list is chewing gum! You get that SOB in your shoes, it’ there for the long haul!

Well, as I don’t have hair, I have seen some get bubble gum in their hair and that lead to some waterworks for the person who managed to get some in their hair. Can’t remember how they got it out, but I can only think to offend the stuck hair by cutting it is the solution.

Imagine getting gum stuck in your beard??? Ahh, wouldn’t wish it on anyone, the same way I wouldn’t wish any Beard to get icing stuck in their beard of toffee/caramel. God forbid! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The things that never end

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue in the life of beard, the issue of things that never end. Shaving is of course one of them, our solution grow a beard.

It’s you doing your bit for the environment, but if you’re bald like me, you’re still using a razor anyway. The shaving of your face is the most tedious 20 minutes of your life you won’t get back. The same could be said about shaving head, but hey, no one can put into words that feeling of head touching the cold pillow when head has been freshly shaved.

That brothers, that’s stuff of legend! Anyway, I do digress the issues of things that seem like they never end. One is gardening, yeah if you watch Desperate House Wives, then being a gardener is the lady wooower, no brothers that’ your Beard that does that.

Gardening, like maintaining your face can be tedious, but it doesn’t have to be that way. To keep a well groomed face, we suggest grow a beard and perfume it. Plants grow, grass grows and in these situations you allow both to grow nicely and keep them maintained, but with a man’s face different principles apply apparently.

Another never ending thing is washing your car *cue the shark tale song*. Health wise, it helps you burn some under stated calories like housework does, but once done, a clean car (whatever the car) is a nice sight.

But makes it baffling then why car’s get dirty, we wouldn’t allow ourselves to get dirty we bathe ourselves, same rules apply right? But it’s very tedious I know my Beards, keep with it … it’s worth it.

Decorating is another thing that seems like it never ends, but there is a simple solution. Some get tempted to decorate a room in purple or with a unicorn design, we all know that will end in tears when inevitably whoever room it was grows up.

That unicorn, has flown away and no longer relevant. The work, the time of pasting the walls and the wall paper could have been saved. Carpets, or flooring can’t be ignored as that’s unavoidable. Having carpets brings warmth having flooring brings style.

Whatever your opinion on house decor, I salute you for starting as it doesn’t finish that easily. The last example, is a bit more of a positive example of doing some that never ends is making sure you have good health and exercising.

Brothers, I don’t usually get too influenced by Instagram stars, but those older guys who are ripped with very well maintained bodies is something I wouldn’t mind when I get to that age. I don’t want to ‘fat shame’ or zero size anyone, but brothers not having a six pack, I will say ok no worries, but being obese it’s not beard like.

This unlike the other examples is just that bit more rewarding, but Beards I feel your pain! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!

Everything tastes better with pepper?

Hello and good afternoon, here I Ayyaz Malik aka The Bearded Captain, speak about why everything tastes better with pepper?

Hello and good afternoon, here I ask the question does everything taste better with pepper?