The xx debate (satire)

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile. Brothers, I want to address this issue, the issue of the xx debate.

Now, I am not talking about a Vin Diesel movie here, I am in fact talking about the “kisses” debate at the end of messages. Now, this divides opinion amongst the masses, but brothers this won’t affect your masculinity if you send the odd x to one of the boys.

Now, most think errrr that’s “so gay” ( apologies here, not offence intended), but at the same time and yes I am going to say this …. as a hetrosexual male these very males will watch men and woman … Frankie Vaughan as they say.

If they were that concerned for their sexuality then, they would watch two women performers instead, but they don’t.

The xx 99% to me is a sign of trust and love, but not like love as in I love you, but I care for you and you mean something to me (that isn’t always sexual).

What I would say is that, if you don’t feel comfortable sending the odd xx to one of the boys, are they even one of the boys? If they get insecure and say “what the hell, why are you sending xx in the message?”

Brothers doubt the friendship. I have mentioned this before, it’s ok to be bromantic with the bros. Love hearts and xx are ok to send to the bros, the right bro will send you some back and add the one or two one top.

If this happens, know you have a bromie for life. I have to tell you a tale, the tale starts like this. Brothers, this is a tale of me adding someone on Linkedin (the posh Facebook).

Now, when I added this guy we got on very well and I thought we got on that well, I could just add a cheeky x to the message.

That indeed, proved to be my downfall as this guy was incensed and said “ I am not gay and I don’t see you that way”

Annoyed, I said look bro if I was that way inclined, one thing for sure I would get a better looking guy than you , and that was that.

So there you have it brothers. If anyone sends a love heart or xx they’re not trying to get in your pants.

Obviously if you’re husband and wife who send xx or love heart that is love. My brothers it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed, stay beard!

Lockdown 2.0 by The Bearded Captain

Hello good evening greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your bearded Captain leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

My brother is here I am with an important address. This issue is the issue of lockdown.Brothers as you know there was a lockdown in the spring. And now there is a lockdown here in the autumn.

Here I Your bearded leader, want to talk about the important issue that is the lockdown that is occuring in the Autumn.

Now my bearded beloved’s, for those of you remember lockdown 1.0, then you will remember me making a botched attempt at trimming my beard. Foolishly, I didn’t embark on The Bearded craftsmen that are Scissor Kutz in Manchester before the first lockdown.

This decision cost me dearly. I went about the task of trimming my beard, and it started out well enough, but as I wanted to perfect the look, I got cocky and arrogant.

That approach cost me dearly as my beard went from long to short! You know what they say? Once you go long .. anything else seems wrong. Brothers, unfortunately I haven’t learnt from that mistake as I again have a long beard that needs taming.

Anyway, I do digress, what I want to talk about is the issue of lockdown and getting you guys a bit more prepared for it. Now, if you remember last time brothers, people got toilet paper in their *hit loads (pun intended).

Pasta and baking products were in hot demand too. I can only draw this conclusion as a result of these factors if you like. People’s pastries and cakes, what have you were that bad it gave them a bad stomach, hence the toilet paper was needed.

Guys, just keep it to beans and toast as well as Crunchy Nut corn flakes … happy days! Ok so that’s dinner sorted, maybe you can do that decorating and that gardening you put off “till tomorrow”.

Yeah, you won’t like me mentioning it guys but after you have watched all the box sets and all the episodes of Home Under The Hammer, Jeremy Vine Show and Bargain Hunt amongst others, what else is there to do?

Learn some new skills? Well I won’t be learning to play a new instrument or singing anytime soon, I fear it would rain cats and dogs if I relaxed my vocal chords a little.

I was one of those, in Primary school who would get mother to jot a note, to enable I got the special pardon here. Or maybe learn how to draw, my memory of art class (a bit sketchy .. you know what I did there).

If none of those tick the box, maybe learn how to cook? But what ever you do, make sure you keep your nearest and dearest at the forefront of your mind.

A facetime call, a zoom call … means there is no excuse! Brothers, don’t be afraid to do your bit in the house either. This isn’t the 1950″s, #realmendohousework.

My soldiers, I am proud to say I learnt how to make toffee crisp milkshake, as well as smarties milkshake too. We are beards, we lead by example … lets smash lockdown 2.0 and make sure we come out of this better beards and better men!

it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

What men shouldn’t do

Hello and greetings my Bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Leader. I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves, but most importantly looking after your beards!

My bearded beloved’s I want to talk about the issue of what men shouldn’t do. Brothers, this isn’t actually referring to men shaving their beards, which is a red flag in itself.

Brothers I am referring to the shaving of eyebrows to start with . Just why would any right minded man do this? The shaving of eyebrows to me, seperates the women from the men.

Why do some men want to mimic this? God only knows. I know having the Mansell eyebrows, maybe cringe to some, but just no put the tweezers down!

Your eyebrows are fine the way they are, when they said that would raise eyebrows brothers, we weren’t inviting you to shape them.

Other things men should not do , is wear high-top trainers with a suit.

It makes you look like a douche, this is the best way I can explain it. It’s not cool, and you’re not Neymar who is the only living human who could get away with such.

There are some men who still wear white trainer socks. This fellas, another no no.

Brothers, you’re men you’re not 15 anymore! Grow up and get yourself a pair of cotton socks. Multi-coloured socks is acceptable too.

This is just me personally, the next example, but I do hear of stories that some men take longer than women to get ready.

Just don’t be one of those men. I think this is a case of a bit of insecurity almost. I know the need to make an effort and with your beard you will be precise about this, but no don’t take longer than your woman to get ready.

Lastly some men, neglect housework or have never touched the spatula in years let’s just say .

Brothers, cleaning isn’t a woman’s job we’re not in the 1950″s ….. man up and grab the brush and make that house clean, this is what men should do.

Just made a sweeping statement there, yes pun intended. You know brothers, your Captain speaks and leads by example. I can happily say say I do cleaning in the house and I am learning how to do some cooking too.

Before this concerted effort of learning how to cook started, I can tell you I made you a mean bowl of Kellogg’s crunchy nut corn flakes and pot noodle too for that matter.

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard.

The Sticky beard discussed

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards.

I hope you’re well my bearded beloved’s. My brothers I am sure you remember us speaking about the issue of food getting stuck in the beard.

This is a phrase we would cap as the Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut beard. Well now my brothers I want to use this example of the Crunchy Nut beard, but use a similar concept for when liquids get stuck in your beard. 

With your cereal, you can not forget to mention the fact as the cereal can get stuck in beard and so does the milk! Now the cereal can get out of the beard, but the milk? Well that’s a different tale altogether. 

Other liquids that can be troublesome are of course egg yolk (happens to me all the time in the morning)! The milk has its problems, but the egg yolk? Boy that’s super challenging!

Just like with food getting stuck in the beard, my beards,  a comb is necessary. With liquid?

This is a different kettle of fish. Washing, combing and even product too is needed brothers. liquid gets stuck in your beard it’s a nightmare.

I am going to say as part of my expert plan, this is the reason why I don’t usually put sauce on my burger or donner kebab! But in recent times I have been enticed by spicy burgers. 

The taste is magnificent, but again for the beard maintenance it’s a nightmare. So what’s the cure for liquid getting into the beard?

Well brothers it’s that … make sure you wash your beard throughly after the event, comb your beard too and to top it off apply balm and oil accordingly too. 

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

The Curly beard

Hello my Bearded Soldiers, greetings it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards.

My beloved’s good morning, I hope you’re well and in the process of looking after your money maker, your beard!

Brothers remember one thing, I know it’s a bit of a grim one … we all are gonna die one day and everything will leave you.

Your youth, your hair, your teeth but not your beard! (Unless you shave it of course)

So with that in mind, you might get an idea as to why I hold the beard in such high esteem. For today’s issue of bearded discussion, is the issue of the curly beard.

I might not have mentioned this on previous entries, but I have a real love for curly hair.

Some of our Arab beards are able to have their hair curly, but this is in general seen as a given for our African Caribbean brothers to have curly hair.

Now being aware of this knowledge, one might be surprised as to why then am I going cut a frustrated figure in this regard. For a man who is bald, hair would be a dream, but me having curly hair? that’s like Eutopia!

In that land, naturally I would be 6 ft4 with the girl that I have always dreamed of. Well back into the world of reality, I am 5 ft 10 – bald ( but made it stylish) of a decent build and have managed to get the partner in crime too.

One lesson brothers, the girl you dreamed of? Doesn’t exist? Rather it’s about the girl you want to dream with. Alhamdulillah the one who gave me my beard has smiled on me *metaphorically speaking* like he always does

So why is the curly beard such a bad thing then? It’s simple … I am not sure how many of you brothers are familiar with the Cow’s lick?

That brothers is when your hair annoyingly and rebelliously flicks up no matter how much you try to tame it. The solution?

Well that’s easy you have to trim it carefully, p.s if you aren’t a skill bearded craftsmen then don’t try this at home!

If you’re like me, then your beard will naturally curl out. The cure for this is to make sure you look after your beard and keep it well trimmed.

Remember brothers TLB! Tender loving of beard for those of you who don’t know. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain, stay blessed -stay beard!

The right hand superiority complex

Hello and greetings my Bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, I have been off the scene for a while, but don’t worry I am still here!

Brothers, what I wanted to talk about here is the issue of the right hand superiority complex. Now as you know all Beards are equal, whether you’re black, Asian, Chinese.

What separates a beard from one to another is the length of beard. A longer beard has superiority of a shorter one because of the length of time that he has grown it.

One other factor that separates beards, is the right-handed man from the left-handed, and this is what I want to talk about. Brother beards of the left-handed person persuasion, we need to talk.

It’s about the right-handed people. Notice how I say the right-handed people, the right-handers are of course clean shaven and bearded. They are separate from us.

The righties, well think they’re right all the time because they’re “right-handed”. That’s bias bs right there. Then there’s the right hand-man, that’s another propaganda right there, “right from wrong” or “writing” ….. I can go on!

This is why I talk about this issue. Being left-handed isn’t the “devil’s work as some like to think … we’re a unique bunch and it’s time to stop the right-handed snobbery.

We need to stop terms that make lefties look bad. Like “left at the alter”, “left alone“ or “left overs”. It needs to stop!

Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Marilyn Monroe and Barrack Obama are just some illustrious names of the left-handed persuasion. So have a think about that, the next time you knock us lefties.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The alternate face mask

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. My brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and your beards!

Brothers, one of the best gifts in life is health, family and free time. As blessed as one is to have some of them, and even more blessed to have them all, another blessing is your beard!

Now my beloved’s you’re only too aware of my opinions on beard life. A beard, makes a man, yes, but the man must also make the beard …. this is also true. My soldiers, what I want to talk about in this message is the issue of masks.

Whether you love them or loathe them, a mask is here to stay for the foreseeable future around the world. Now, my brothers, with the mask it covers your face and protects your mouth does it not?

This is vital, the experts say to protect yourself against the virus. My brothers, a beard is the ultimate mask. A beard masks an ugly face … I am being honest a face that allows nature to dictate it is the purest face and of course a natural one.

A face becomes ugly if you change like the clean-shaven do when they betray their face day after day …. it will take its toll. Brothers did you know, it’s more hygienic to have a beard than not having one? Didn’t think so.

This propaganda of the clean-shaven will never tell you that. In this pandemic, even yours truly was told due to Covid19, I will have to shave my face, but no that’s for the people in the medical profession.

A beard, masks face rash and coldness in the winter! But amongst all that it protects us men from feminine tendencies. We are men, so be men! The beard also mask the beard itch too!

Here is the video of me talking about this on daily motion; https://www.dailymotion.com/TheBeardedCaptain

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The passing of the torch moment

Hello and good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves, but more importantly looking after your beards!

My Bearded brothers, it’s been with great privilege and honour that I can say I am your Bearded Captain, your Bearded Leader. I might not mention it too much, but as much as I lead you beards over social media and all digital media, I am also following a lead too.

That lead I am following is that of The Bearded General, Daddy Malik (aka Daddy Beard). Now, his bearded eminence The Bearded General, The Commander and Chief is a superior above a superior.

Now, it might be hard to believe, brothers that I need to be lead, but there are two figures that are above me in rank. The Bearded Alpha, Mr Ahmed Talib Rashid and of course The Bearded General Daddy Malik.

As much as The Alpha has been a priceless mentor, teacher and someone to help your Captain in his Bearded adolescence, it’s the story of The General of Beards who this story refers to.

Brothers, my dad, of course, is my mentor in life, but he is most certainly in my Bearded life too. He is the one who gives my beard the thorough inspection after I have been to The Bearded Barbers.

“It’s not level” or “It’s not cut properly below the chin and above the Adam’s apple” are just some of the criterion The General looks for when he wants to see his son and now air to The Bearded Throne.

For the loyal readers of my blog (thank you for that), you will know that I make mention of the deceased leader of Cuba Fidel Castro. Now, don’t get me wrong here guys I am not going to make any political statements here, (we don’t do that here, we try to make the people laugh and smile).

My dad would liken me to Fidel, now when he first said this I thought, maybe because I am an excellent leader in his eyes, someone who has an aura about him … nope, it was none of that! It was due to my beard being messy!

The General would never mince his words and would always give me tough Bearded Love, but when my dad came to me for advice it was a passing of the torch moment. It was Bearded advice.

So it went like this;

“Son do you have anything for there bottom of my beard underneath my chin’? At this point was so humbled and I beamed and couldn’t stop smiling. The advice didn’t stop there, my dad even took one of my beard combs too, felt like a very happy beard indeed!

On that happy note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Signs of psycho (satire)

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. I pray you’re all well, and in the process of growing your beards. 

My Bearded brothers, I want to talk about an issue, that is worthy of mentioning. This my brothers, isn’t bearded topic as such, but it’s most definitely needed to be mentioned. The topic is the signs of a psychopath. 

On face value, you might think I am bringing late nights Real TV, to my blog this isn’t the case. All be it tongue in cheek, and attempted humour in this blog, I still want to mention these kinds of people, because they need a mention. 

To put this out there, this isn’t a Kyle bashing blog, nor a Karen bashing blog either. My bearded beloved’s, the kind of people you need to be careful of due to their “psycho” way are these who don’t eat their kitKat four fingers one by one. 

These people, eat their Kitkat’s like a snickers bar, meaning all four fingers are half-eaten! Those people are bad, but then you get the people who put three spoons of sugar in their tea/coffee. 

If you’re that bothered about sugar, then open a coca-cola bottle and put that in your kettle! There is hot Vimto, so maybe someone could start a hot coca-cola. on the sounds of it, that doesn’t sound very appealing, but I can imagine some will do this. 

If I tell you brothers, there are some people who consciously get a class of milk and mix coca-cola in it, yuck! I am not an alcohol drinker myself, but it looks like Bailey’s. I have tasted it, in my naivety and it’s repugnant, to put it mildly. 

I can’t help but think, the people who do any of these things, if not all of them, are the same people who wear white trainers with a suit, or who wear white sport sock! An absolute no-no!  

So there you have it, my brothers, here is some example of people, who can only really be described as psychopaths, due to some of the choices they make in life. 

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1 Thank you

The decorative beard

Hello and good morning my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves and your beard!

My bearded brothers, project Bearded Captain is blossoming quite nicely. 

There is the blogs, which we’re doing here, the vlogs, which can be found here; https://www.smartlightpeople.com//watch/the-story-of-how-i-grew-my-beard_azGpf68oTpmC3SB.html.

As well, as that there is the podcast which is available on the majority of Podcast platforms (which includes Pocket Cast and Spotify amongst others). A massive thanks goes to the one, who gave me my beard.

Now brothers, what I want to talk about today though, is the issue of the “decorative beard”. This is an issue, that won’t get spoken about too much, but it’s still necessary to mention this.

This topic is as literal as it sounds, it’s a beard that’s well decorated. Now, brothers, in my infancy of beard life, I had a lack of knowledge on this issue. Someone, in my work, asked;

“will you put baubles on your beard”. Upon hearing this, I thought to myself, I have never heard such a ridiculous suggestion. To me, it’s like a man wearing a headband, which is fittingly called an “Alice band”, note it’s not an Alistair band (the clue is in the detail).

Upon further investigation, I found out that beard baubles are available as well as beard clips. Brothers, if grown correctly your beard is the decorative piece of your face.

Why some have found the need, to find a product that’s not needed (beard baubles) is beyond me, it really is. The beard baubles, like the masks we were in this day and age, instead of helping the beard blossom, it, in fact, does the exact opposite!

WWE wrestler Seamus is the first person I think of when the topic of decorative beard is mentioned. The beard that he had, is the entry-level of beard.

The sides of his beard cheeks, platted may look cool, it’s far from it. Brothers, this is beard abuse. We take good care to groom and nurture our beards, baubles are to be put on a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree is of course where the gifts are stored and the face gift is where the beard is stored. Brothers, I was gifted a beard bauble set and I have worn the bearded baubles, it made the clean-shaven laugh and smile.

Everything I said still applies to the bearded baubles, but to make the clean-shaven smile is also your purpose in life, even if they make their own faces unhappy by shaving.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you