The Bearded Captain

You can swallow paracetamol? You sir are a man!

Hello, good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I want to talk about an issue that’s important in the life of The Bearded Captain, paracetamol. The Asians will know that it’s seen as the cure for everything, yes EVERYTHING. Here though I am not here to tell that tale, I want to talk about the day I conquered swallowing one.

I don’t know if the tubs or the packets come with instruction manuals, but maybe they need to. When I was small and I would need to take the dreaded paracetamol, it used to be a challenge. Drink water and put the paracetamol in your mouth, then it would just go down the food pipe.

Easy enough, no problem, but except there was. The paracetamol seemed more stubborn than a child being taken for a bath. That son of a gun, would not go down without kicking and screaming. So after having one glass of water and gulping the tablet down, it would quickly turn into two.

That tablet at this point is drenched like it’s walked out during a monsoon season, but you guessed it, still won’t go down my throat. This paracetamol was like Gandalf (thou shall not pass). In the end, I opted to bite it. Did that solve the problem? No sir, only made it umpteen times worse due to how sour or bitter they are!

All the mouthwash and toothpaste couldn’t rid me of the horrible aftertaste. So when I had headaches, what did I do? Well, I endured it and would have a nice hot shower or go to sleep early.
That was fine, but the inner whisperings wanted me to take on my nemesis, paracetamol. You tablet, you won the battle, but not the war! The chance arose for me to walk the walk and show the paracetamol tablet I meant business.

So, I poured the glass of water, peeled open the back of the packet of paracetamol and grabbed two out. Only a psycho takes out one, the same way someone puts up the TV volume in odd numbers.
Nervous, I grabbed the two tablets and into my mouth they went and off the pallet of my mouth they bounced. This was it, all or nothing it was time to take this tablet down! I grabbed my water, and I had one gulp of water, it was still there!

Not to be deterred, I drank another gulp and to my surprise, this immovable object was conquered. Not quite a David and Goliath moment, but it didn’t stop me from celebrating. When I told my dad with the glee of my monumental achievement, dad reacted in only dad knew how.

He was grounded in his praise, but I am sure he would have been proud deep down. From learning to walk, talk, eat and now this. Dad would have been patting himself on the back as a parent, he’s made it. I made it as a man.

On that note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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How our ancestors will turn in their graves

Hello, good morning my Beards, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, let’s talk about an issue important in the life of Beards and that’s saving money. Bearded Kings, the generations before us found groundbreaking inventions from the telephone, to the TV, to the automobile and more.

My Bearded Soldiers, what have we found, a supermarket that has eggs available? The generations before us invented the light bulb, this generation, well? Tiktok and the floss dance. The generation before us invented the aeroplane, and the boat, this generation invented snowflakes.

Everything is offensive and everything is politically incorrect. I am sure many discoveries have been made in the past. In today’s day and age, what have we discovered? That there’s a new different gender today?

The generation of yesterday have every right to feel let down after everything they did for us, and the advancements that they made then. We did put a man on the moon though, an out-of-this-world discovery.

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So is it the best?

Hello, good evening my Beards it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded kings, I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves and are in good health! Brothers, let’s talk about a food review, a food review of Levenshulme bakery, in you guessed it Moss side, on a serious note Levenshulme.

So, me and Mrs Captain, went to this establishment to prove or disprove if this corner shop takeaway is worthy of its billing as the best place in Manchester for shawarma and fatayer. Admittedly, I am not the biggest eater of either, which is a surprise, well just look at me.

It’s fair to say, I could go in and do this review with an open mind with no bias. To start with, parking outside and near Levenshulme bakery is restricted, so maybe consider parking in the nearby Asda.

Talking of Asda, if you’re going to park there then go to the cashpoint too, to pay these fine gentlemen. The bakery boys don’t take card, they just take the good old-fashioned dough, bad dum (I am here all night).

Moving on to the food itself, please note guys, there is seating, but it’s minimal, so maybe a takeaway is better, or in my case, my car with Suits on my phone playing as my entertainment with my food.

Try it before you knock it if you knock it. I got the lamb shawarma, and as I was hungry, it felt like the service was slow, but maybe it was just right. Top tip, don’t go on a too-empty stomach where your stomach growls louder than a lion in the jungle.

When the food came, it was worth the wait. Served in the customary pizza-like box, sauces were in the box and in my bag were the plastic cutlery I was going to use to eat it. Soft, and airy in the dough, this best-in-Manchester thing might hold some weight, but upon further eating it, I am not so sure.

The base of the Fatayer was well made, yes, the lamb was well cooked, but the best? Well, Today Restaurant is the other only worthy competitor, and it’s too close to call. People of Manchester be grateful we have some good food places here.

It’s too close to call, but guys if you’re in the area try Levenshulme Bakery, you won’t be disappointed.

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British airways review

Hello, good morning my Bearded Soldiers it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag Bearer of all Beards on digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers let’s talk about aeroplanes, neooooow. Sorry not sorry, it’s my routine aeroplane joke. Bearded Kings, aeroplanes they’re quite something to look at, aren’t they? What’s also amazing is that sitting in one of these things can get you from one side of the world to the other in nine hours, slightly more.

For me, my Bearded Soldiers, the last time I was on an aeroplane, I flew with British Airways. It was an indirect flight. Here, I want to talk about my experience, so apart from the baggage searching aside, which felt like the Generation Game (90’s kids, know what I mean), then I will say it was a pleasant experience.

The seats were nice and comfortable. This should be standard right? Well, one of the other times that I went to Pakistan to see my family, I went with an unnamed airline and my God were the seats like sitting on a rock.

That experience was quite something. As much as I try, I just can’t go to sleep on aeroplanes, but with British Airways I did so for like 30 minutes. I can’t say I fell asleep for sure, but it felt like 30 minutes of the flight I couldn’t account for what I was doing, so I must have nodded off.

What woke me up was being nudged by one of your staff walking past with the trolley, it happens. That was bound to happen as I refuse to on the window side, one of those things I prefer.

Guys, that’s a testament to you. Your seats were comfortable, and your legroom between seats was ok too. As I can’t sleep on planes, which has been something since childhood nothing to do with the aeroplane, I value the in-flight entertainment, I mean I have seven hours to kill.

Happy to say, BA’s entertainment was really good. There were very good comedy box sets, which is always a win-win and the sports shows, the documentaries. Tick, tick and tick!

In the older days, many people would squeeze into one car, on other aeroplanes I have been on, it felt like many people cramming into a little space.

British Airways, my legs and I are happy to say, this wasn’t the case for us. The legroom was ample, even if the passenger in front was trying to do a limbo impression, due to how tilted back he was in his seat.

Your staff were friendly and the food was serviceable. I don’t mean to sound snobbish when I say that. I was in economy class, so was never going to get Michelin three-star food, you get what you pay for.

All in all, a very good experience. Thanks, guys, will use you again. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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The story of when you start you can’t stop

Hello, good morning my Beards it’s me Ayyaz Malik aka The Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people.

Brothers, I want to talk about last night. I hold my hand out in apology as yesterday there was no blog. My Bearded Kings, I was feeling the effects of this virus that’s been going around. Ironically, it felt like in the Malik household, I had this virus first some two months ago and yesterday it was gifted back to me.

Thank God, I feel a lot better, but yeah December and the winter on the whole has been a challenging one. Thanking the one who gave me my face trophy and my face trophy itself has helped me get through it.

After that mini little speech, which I felt needed to be said, let’s talk about the topic of when you start you can’t you just can’t stop. Gardening is one. I have been at my house for 20 years+, and in that time, I have lost count of how many times Mother Malik has said that the house needs decorating.

In numbers terms, a lot! The other thing that I think of is not being able to stop when you start, is shaving. The moral of this story? Don’t shave! Grow a Beard, Beards are manly, Beards warm your face in the winter.
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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Headwear check

Bearded Kings, we need to talk about all things headwear. Brothers as you know I your Bearded Captain and Bearded leader on social media have dedicated years upon years to writing about the good stuff (facial hair).

The Beard is the crown to a man’s jewel, which is his face and everything about his appearance. Kings, we mentioned the need for good eyewear as mentioned here; https://ayyazmalik.com/2022/12/23/from-boys-to-men/.

Adequate headwear is also a part of the Bearded discussion. As reminded by Father Malik, The Retired Bearded General, the need for good headwear is key. This should go without saying, headwear needs to coordinate with what you wear.

Bearded Soldiers, don’t be someone who wears a snapback with a suit. That’s like wearing Nike Air Max trainers with a suit, some men do it and it looks ridiculous! Rather strangely though a snapback goes well with a thobe (Arab garment), but so does a fedora.

Thankfully I have both, as I want to ensure I practice what I preach. For smart occasions, a fedora will be just fine. It even allows you to make a statement, a note to self and you too my Beards don’t be like me and wear a summery fedora in cold weather. The Bearded General had a word.

Your headwear is an extension of the garments you wear. The garments you wear are a reflection of how you treat your Beard. Be your Best Beard, one way to do that is to wear your best. To cap a phrase from the clean-shaven Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, “When they dress down, you dress up”.

On that note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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Tis the season to be jolly, isn’t it always?

Bearded Kings, I want to talk about all things festive. This current season we are in, it’s of course the Christmas season, for those who celebrate it. The narrative is, this is the season to be jolly, this simple phrase just doesn’t sit right with me.

My Bearded Stallions, every season is a season to be jolly. You have been given a gift which is better than any Secret Santa gift or any other stocking filler gift, your Beard! Be jolly about that. Christmas once upon a time might have had a true meaning, but not so much anymore.

To be consistent, I have this same grievance with the festival I celebrate, Eid. Both festivals are about spending time with family and appreciating the smaller things in life. Now, due to commercialisation, it’s far too materialistic.

What prompted me to write this, was simply reminding you my Beard’s, which doesn’t let the narrative define you of when you should be jolly. Try being jolly all the time. A lot of people get into debt this year, trying to afford presents.

Surely brothers, if there is a festival where you can’t afford to accommodate it, then questions need to be asked. All the best ALWAYS. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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So you keep getting your Beard pulled?

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards. My Bearded Kings, I want to talk about an issue in the life of The Bearded Captain. Bearded Stallions, I want to talk about children and in particular young children (babies).

The delights that they bring, from the warmth of their hugs, the softness of their cheeks when you give them a kiss and the smiles they give you, well when they’re happy, is all part of the dream. On the other hand, there is one thing, there is the Beard-pulling a kid does and boy does that hurt!

You would be forgiven for thinking, for the times your little one yanks on your man prize, that you should shave it off, reduces the pain right? Wrong! Bearded one, you went through itchy stubble down and Beard itch to get to your long Beard state. Don’t throw it away for this!

Brothers, simply for the times your little one does yank your Beard seven ways from Sunday (yeah I am using that wrong), remember this, you used your Beard to pull your child’s mother. Yes, I feel very clever with that wordplay, mua haha.

Maybe make it a game, for your child, surely you will do anything right? So what’s wrong with a messy Beard? Your man fur needs to be presentable to the outside world but can be anyway when it comes to your little Princess/Princess.

Brother’s you’re your child’s father, your Beard emphasises that. Some men might use the Beard pulling argument to shave their Beard. The child needs a father figure, so look like one, not a mother figure, as he/she already has one!

For the Muslim Beards amongst you, please ensure on Fridays you’re well perfumed and also your Beard is well oiled and perfumed. Yes, your little one will pull it, thus making it untidy, but yeah, don’t let this stop you from being your best Beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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From boys to men

Hello, good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards. My Bearded Kings, I want to talk about an issue in the life of The Bearded Captain. My Bearded Stallions, let’s talk about when you’re a child vs when you’re an adult.

To qualify what I mean, I want to talk about being a boy and then when you’ve developed into a man. For example letters, you get in the mail. Letters as a kid? Well, that’s living the life and you see yourself as all grown up and mature getting letters and all.

Letters as an adult? It’s a case of ahhhh, another letter!? Who on God’s earth do I owe money to now!? most times, it’s the council when they penalize me for going into the no-entry zone in the city centre, doh! My Bearded Kings, when you dread receiving mail, then know you sir are a man!

Lose teeth as a kid, it’s a semi-dream, right? I mean look at it. You get money for each tooth lost and new ones come back. Win-win.

Lose them as an adult though and you’re one step closer to dentures/false teeth. Life is not even balancing it out!
The money you get from losing teeth isn’t anywhere the money you need when you lose them as an adult!

When you’re a kid, some kids think, when I am a man and can drive, I will go with the boys to place x,y and z. Mate, you’re giving your mum a lift here and there and doing the shopping for her. Not like that’s a bad thing.
But brothers, it’s different to what you thought as a kid. My last example is that of shaving. When you were younger and had no facial hair, you thought I want to shave as men do.

Now as a man, you can’t keep up with the man fur! The simple cure for that is to grow a beard, come on, you know that by now. You read this blog and all.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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The Bearded Captain glasses guide

Hello, good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards. My Bearded Kings, I want to talk about an issue in the life of The Bearded Captain, and that is glasses, we eluded to its importance in this article here; https://ayyazmalik.com/2022/12/21/my-hat-collection-is-decreasing/

Simply put Shining Bearded Knights, you need glasses that can help you see! Of course, glasses are more than that, it’s about picking the right ones. Whether round, square, rectangle or whatever, just wear ones that make you feel confident and comfortable in your own skin.

For the love of God, whatever glasses you do choose to wear, don’t wear the Dennis Taylor ones of the 80s. I am adamant, they look like my current pair, but upside down. Yes, I said wearing ones makes you feel confident, with the Taylor specs of the ’80s, this need not apply.

The next tip, of course, is personal but as lovely as some of the designs are, there’s just no point in getting designer glasses. Learn from my experience brothers. I had a pair of Pierre Cardin’s and in a heart-breaking tale, they snapped in my pocket.

We tried to perform glasses life-changing surgery, but there was no pulse. Tragically, my glasses lost a limb, one of its arms (temples). Glasses can be changed they say, but this was my first pair, the pair which helped me when driving and for seeing long distances.

As I am boring, me? Well, go for a black frame always. The way my head is shaped, the square frame suits me only. So that’s my thoughts, what’s yours? Let me know in the comments. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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