The day we will never forget

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded leader, The Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Brethren’s, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, we need to talk. It’s about what happened on 4th October 2021. Now on the face of it, this is a normal day at the office, but this day would be like no other.

Facebook, which is seen as the biggest social network site on the planet, crashed! O the cheek of it. To rub further salt in the wounds, it didn’t just stop there. WhatsApp and Instagram which is Facebook owned crashed too!

So for six straight hours, phones were turned on and off, the apps were installed and removed. Is this the end of time they all wondered? DFS haven’t advertised any sales and now no Facebook, Insta or Whattsapp?

Maybe UFO’s and the Illuminati is real! How can Facebook, what many people treat as life, just go down! Mr Zuckerberg, some say it’s Karma for the funny meme accounts you ban for 30 days. When ‘social media’, went down people actually had to be social!

Unbelievable right? The cheek of it, they actually had to speak to family members in person and not spend hours on end speaking to that ‘stunning brunette’, that’s Bob from Lincoln who has a beer belly and three teeth in all reality.

Families were sitting together and people were not on their phones. It was like the 1960’s. Covid, Bubonic Plague were bad but some would have you believe the outage of FB 2021 was worse, but those heroes survived it.

For those who love to show off their rented super cars or that their on holiday, had to just actually enjoy the holiday with out telling every man and his dog. This next example due to the social media outage 2021, really took the cake.

People went to restaurants without posting their food to show people who couldn’t care less. People just ate their food, quietly. In normal times, people would send a cheeky voice note on WhatsApp, but now (if they had iPhone) it was Imessage.

It was getting quite tense, people were sending text messages to each other, thought it was going to be carrier Pidgeon and Morse code next. Thankfully (for some of you) this didn’t happen. Social media came back, our lives over reliant on the not real restored to full flow.

Let’s see if this taught us anything, but I will not be holding my breath

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good evening my brothers here, I talk about the day we won’t forget

Food that tastes good hot and cold

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Kings, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, we need to talk about an important issue in the life of Beards, the issue of when food tastes good hot and cold.

To put this out there, immediately … my Scottish friends, nope I am not talking about fried Mars bars. I have not tasted this, but it sounds extremely disgusting! It’s like coke and milk 2.0. As this is my opinion, another candidate that doesn’t make the list is bread.

Warm bread (toast) and well cold bread is cold bread, but it doesn’t tickle my fancy. In this sense I am weird I admit this, when it comes to a salad sandwich I have it on a baguette Subway style or on toast.

To clarify what makes it on my list … is pizza. Of course when it’s hot and the cheese string stretches as you break it off from your pizza it’s divine and the warm pizza slice and the heavenly taste that drops in your mouth can’t be put into words, but cold pizza don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.

Another example is a bit more obvious and for me that’s pasta. No, nothing vicar related or to do with the church , nope the Italian dish that is. Lovely when hot, alongside pasta sauce or other variants, but lovely as a pasta salad too.

The next example maybe cheating a tad but vegetables like mushrooms and onions taste good not cooked (cold) and when cooked (hot). The cooked version of both is better, but it’s not terrible when not cooked.

My final example is of doughnuts, to be more precise Krispy Kreme doughnut. It tastes good cold, as well it’s sweet and it’s chocolate, but when hot (not too hot) the chocolate becomes nice and gooey.

Boys and Beards, ladies and Gentle Beards here is my list. So what do you think? Let me know in the comments, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello my Beautiful my Beards, here I talk about food that tastes good hot and cold.

The Captain talks Salt Bae

Hello and good evening my Beautiful Bearded Brothers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcast media.

I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh snd I am that Beard who tries to make people smile .

Bearded Stallions, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Beloved’s we need to talk.

I am sure you have seen the abundance of TikTok videos and Instagram ones too. My Soldiers, I am referring to SaltBae of course, yes that fella who does a Karate Kid impression when sprinkling salt on food.

Well, that same fella has become kind of a big deal. From a meme, to a celebrity in his own right, so when Nusret decided to open his own restaurant in London, the attention was caught of many. Nusret Gokce is a name that could pass of as any other name, but when one hears the name Saltbae, you think of cranekick like Danielsan, but on food.

The 38-year old since opening his restaurant, has caused a bit of a stir with some of the pricing. Red Bull £11! This energy drink obviously gives you more than wings, it must give you aeroplane wings at that price! We don’t advocate mortgages here, noooo.

The head of the banks are all clean shaven, we are not in the business to give the clean shaven power! But brothers some of those prices makes me think, you will have to get one! I can imagine to look at the menu in there would cost you £9.99!

Nando’s was expensive I said, The Captain still says! Thing is though brothers since this new restaurant is open, I can now confidently say that Nandos? Well that’s like McDonald 99p McSaver menu.

There was me thinking Nawaabs was the Crem De La Crem of eating (yeah maybe I have cheaper taste). One thing which really got me was a Tik Tok of Nusret feeding someone … thank you Mr Salt Bae, but he’s a grown man he doesn’t need feeding.

My mum taught how to eat with a spoon and not with a knife. I suppose I could swing my hips while chopping onions and try my luck too? Yeah maybe not 😂.

Brothers, we love the hustle and those who hustle, but there’s a line (the £11 Red Bull line). He’s sprinkling salt on his elbow, how about you don’t sprinkle the salt, I can do it myself thanks, maybe it will cost less … too much salt isn’t good for you anyway Nusret.

My Brothers, if you’re that keen to waste your money on food? Go Nandos …. Yes, I will say it Nando’s is overpriced and overrated. So there you have it, a night out at Nusr-Et London could very well cost you a kidney if not both.

My beloved’s, I can feed myself, I don’t need Red Bull, drink water and not energy drinks. A gold wrapped burger? Or whatever it is, yes I am going to say it, nothing beats Miami’s in Manchester for burgers, chicken burgers.

It won’t be long till there will be a ‘Pepper Bae’ I said what I said. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

SaltBae (middle) alongside two fans who mimic his iconic cobra pose.

The grey beard

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Heroes I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, we need to talk about a topic that needs to be mentioned, the issue of the Grey Beard. Now Hollywood, will let you think George Clooney made Grey Beards cool, nope he’s a two day stubbler. let’s clear that up!

Brothers, I pray you all have a long life, long enough for your hair to go grey, it’s the cycle of life (unless you’re the 70 year old Pakistani uncles who have jet black hair of youth, but have the wrinkled face that says otherwise).

My Soldiers, Grey Beards will happen to you in old age, you can dye it black, purple or ginger (an awesome beard colour), but the issue will remain the same, there’s no getting away from it. If you were like me when you got the odd strand and decided to cut it, this is a bad move.

Why, I hear you ask? Well let me give you the example of me, in my instance I tried to be clever and cut the grey strands off, all two of them … and guess what those two strands turned into four! On top of that, I now have grey strand side burns!

My Shining Bearded Knights, just remember that Pierce Brosnan and the late Sean Connery both embraced Grey Beards. Why do I say this? Brothers, you’re an equal to two acting greats. My Beloved’s your superstars in your own right. My Beards, you should have your own stars on the Hollywood walk of fame.

Brothers, Hollywood is Bearded Biased, so don’t let them get you down! They made Russell Crowe shave his Beard off! They showed him to have been a victorious Bearded Gladiator in the film Gladiator by slaying man after man (who happened to be clean shaven) , with his zero man army, but he lost what should have been an easier battle, not to shave his Beard!

My Bearded Soldiers, I will leave you with this, remember a Beard is for life and not just for winter, a Beard is for life and not when you’re ‘too old’ to shave. Brothers, shaving with older frail hands, that would have been a no for me, if he didn’t have a Beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

A sad day for all Beards

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Chiefs, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers, I want to talk about an important issue for all Beards. My Beloved’s I want to talk about today, 27th September 2021, which is a sad day for Beards.

Now in the life of Beard, there’s never really a sad day. Now the Bearded Godfather Fidel Castro and his passing was a sad day (as he had a distinctive Beard) and now today is another bit of a sad news for The Bearded Community.

Now, on this blog we have moved away from the sports side, but today Moeen Ali a very prominent figure in the England cricketing world and The Bearded World, announce will be retiring from test cricket.

Ali, who captained England for a few games and for his County Worcestershire, did also captain Birmingham Phoenix in the inaugural Hundred competition too. A great bowler, batsmen, person and a Bearded man too, there will be many Bearded tears shed when this Bearded Hero full retires from cricket.

Moeen, you made Beards cool, like The Captain is working on doing too. Bearded Brother, you will also be remembered for the fact that you got fans wearing fake beards. It’s a start, those guys should not need to wear fake beards but actually grown , but hey at least Moeen bhai, you made the concept of Beard look cool, the fact that some men wanted it on their face, when they might not have initially .

The Bearded Captain salutes you sir! Adil Rashid, you’re a great bowler and performer whose Bearded Presence is also appreciated.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good afternoon, here I Ayyaz Malik aka the bearded captain pay tribute to a more special Beard than me, Moeen Ali. Salute to you sir

Bad beard habits

Hello and good evening my Bearded Beloved’s it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Shining Bearded Knights, I want to talk about an important issue in the life of Beard. The issue of bad habits. We all have them, if you ask women they will say men have a habit of leaving the toilet seat up and well … breathing.

My Bearded Soldiers, as much as they want to say want to say they have a point, I want to talk about bad Bearded Habits. Bearded Stallions, we all have them! So for me, I would have this strange habit of running through my beard with my thumbs and finger, at bottom of the Beard (near the Adam’s Apple part).

I would what I describe as flick my Beard for many minutes upon end, it annoys me but I still do it sometimes!

Unfortunately, the habit doesn’t end there, I even feather other parts of my Beard too. Now, I have been thinking for so long, what the solution to this is, brothers – I still don’t definitely have one. What can say is this, now I carry my Beard Comb with me, the habit has severely reduced.

A habit, is a habit and can take a real effort to refrain from I think. There is one other Beard habit I have heard of, the eating of the Beard. My Shining Beards in armour, I know you will be thinking of biting nails and to put spice on your fingers is the solution.

Well, if you’re Asian, will it though? We Asian’s are born with spice ….. (not that kind) the curry spice kind. Brothers, you can’t put spice on your Beard so that’s not one solution, so brothers if you feel you fall foul to this then maybe try perfuming your Beard.

The fragrance, depending on the one you use smells like fragranced soap. My Soldiers, would you eat soap? I will answer that, no! You’re not five years old anymore!

Other Beard habits for some men is shaving theirs ….. *rolls eyes*. Brothers, put the razor down! A razor is for shaving your head, your legs (mine are fine the way they are thanks) and your err herm.

Ideally try to busy yourself and not make time to day dream, brothers I think for me when I do my Beard habit, it’s coz I am day dreaming. Maybe some food for thought here, try to make yourselves busy and keep your minds occupied?

A busy mind, doesn’t make your hand Beard find, if you get the jist of what I am saying.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Thanks to my dear brother Beard for this suggestion. An important issue, needed to be talked about.

Hello and good evening, here I Ayyaz Malik talk about bad Beard habits

The Afro Caribbean and Far Eastern Beard

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Super Heroes, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Soldiers, we need to talk. My beloved’s just want to remind you of what you already know, you’re awesome and amazing, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

You may not be on the front cover of a Marvel Comic, or starring as one of the super heroes in the blockbuster films. Batman you are not, you’re much stronger than him (you have the will to not shave unlike him) and you’re not like Superman, you can see shaving is for women and a waste of time.

Superman can see everything bar that. Spiderman, well he got himself into a web, by designed to use the Gillette to glide through his face, when gliding through the city with his web rope wasn’t good enough.

Well my Beards, we know what we would do, if we had the choice. Talking of choice, growing a beard is a choice, a good choice the best choice, but a choice never the less. One set of our brothers, the brothers from The Far East make that choice to keep a Beard.

So what? Bo hoo, I hear you mention my darlings. If I tell you that Asian’s (from the Subcontinent) grow their facial hair like Werewolves, you will nod in agreeance. So when I mention our brothers from China, Korea, Vietnam, Hong Kong or Japan for example, then know their beards (quite a few of them) don’t grow like other beards.

Similar to some of our Afro Caribbean brothers ( brothers from Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa, Egypt Lebanon and many more no doubt) , their beards don’t grow fully from the sides and they don’t get much facial hair growth from under the chin either. This would be so easy to just say you know what, I can’t grow a beard I will shave it off, but to their credit they keep their Beards.

So those of you who keep Goatees or even shave your beards when you can fully grow yours on the sides, just think for a minute – think about the brothers who would give their right arm for being able to grow a beard (that’s metaphorical we’re not insinuating anyone to go limbless).

So with out inadvertently sounding like a UNICEF advert, brothers think, please don’t shave, by not shaving you will be releasing your inner man. In a world that has 99 genders and a man appearing day by day to be not even one, then for the sake of your masculinity put the blade down!

Shaving is for he who is balding (me) and for your hairs in the where the sun doesn’t shine areas.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good morning, here I Ayyaz The Bearded Captain Malik talk about our unsung heroes, the Afro Carribean and Eastern Beards

What seems good as a kid, but not as an adult

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, the flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Beloved’s I want to take you down a trip down memory lane of sorts. My Bearded Hero’s I will explain. I am sure I am not the only one, but when you were little weren’t there things that seemed so cool, but just don’t now when you’re an adult?

Let me explain, when I was little I used to be so thrilled when I got a letter, now when I get a letter the feeling of mini dread takes over, why? Coz it’s usually a bill or in my case a parking fine! *wipes the tears from his cheeks*.

Another thing, when I was little was I used to think I was all grown up when I used to push the trolley in the supermarket, these days? Na, someone else can do it, it’s too much effort! Also, do you remember when you were a kid and you used to go weak at the knees whenever you were 1 square mile of a McDonalds and were like mum can we go, can we go?

That was purely on the legendary smell that came out of there. These days your nose doesn’t have the same sentiments to Maccies if once did.

That doesn’t happen either, sense has prevailed. Now, Maccies fans don’t go up in arms, just the realisation of when you’re older, one you have to pay for it and two a Fish O Fillet, doesn’t even touch the surface of filling your stomach up!

Talking of smell, petrol once a smell you could and I quote ‘marry’ just doesn’t have that same feeling to it. Maybe I was married to it, if you catch my drift 😉 .

This next example is a positive example and opposite of this whole blog post, but who remembers when they were kids and were told to go shops to by for their mum some groceries. The shop would be down the road, but you as a young kid in your mind used to see it as one all might walk.

When you would depart, you would be there as if you’re leaving to go for military service and when you return, you act all rejoicing when you complete your mission. These days, that walking voyage, can be done, well not quite in two ticks, but near enough that.

When you were little, you used to hate sleep, remember that? Now well, when you sleep these days it’s like please give me more, give more!

Sorry brothers, I know we were talking about some examples of adulthood coming in the way of things you used to enjoy when you were a kid, but adulthood has the odd good thing about it. Maybe those films, that were too scary or the Frankie Vaughan films (if that’s your thing) you weren’t allowed to watch as kid, but you can now as an adult.

But to conclude, brothers as an adult, you have to cook, clean and wash yourself. When you were a kid, this was all done for you. Where’s that time machine when you need it! The only thing, I was different about my childhood?

That my Beard could have been there with me through the journey. Having said that, I would have lost my ‘cute looks’ 😎 haha!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good evening, here I talk about what is good when you’re a child, but not as a child

I talk Pakistani dramas

Hello and Greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Stallions, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue and that is the issue of Asian dramas, nay Pakistan dramas. Actually, nay is a word used in ‘the Motherland’, it means no .

Where do I start my Soldiers. First thing, I have to say is that a lot of the stories in those dramas, involve the following plots. Man loves girl, who loves other man, girl loves man who loves her and other girl.

Girl likes man – breaks up man from girl to muscle in to be his girl.

Did you get that? I am saying, that a lot of is love story related and also the man marrying a second wife and the first wife going into a complete meltdown. If that’s not the main plot, then surely it’s the wife coming into the husbands house and well it ends up in verbals with her mother in-law.

A lot of verbal sparring ensues, verbal sparring that Dwayne The Rock Johnson would be proud of and then the mother in-law or the daughter in-law ends up apologizing come the end of the drama that’s usually of a duration of just the 75 episodes if it’s quick.

The length of the drama is usually one hour, including the never ending compensation claims adverts or ‘peer saab’ claiming to work miracles, yet that very same peer saab wouldn’t recognise me if I was to call him. Quite the miracle worker? Clearly not if he doesn’t who would be calling him.

We can’t forget to mention half of the episode is in their version of English and a recap of the last episode, even though the episode starts with a recap.

If I wanted to watch Emerdale or Corrie, I would have done! They speak English for no reason to the story.

To add to the Pakistani drama checklist, I mean that each drama will contain any of these subplots. A boy wants to marry a girl, but parents say no, or vice versa. A mother in-law, aunt or uncle are pure evil to a niece, nephew or their own flesh and blood.

Add also in that check list, is that they love to destroy a lot of crockery and kitchen utensils shall we say. If you don’t want them, I know a guy who will, just stop with the breakages please! Same goes with the aftershave and perfume bottles.

I would personally take them off your hands, if you don’t want, I never say no to chocolate or perfume! Probably 99% of them are set in Karachi and also note that the person who has been wronged always gets justice.

The one who wrongs, either apologies or gets wronged themselves, yes that does sound a lot like a Dhar Mann video. There is one good thing about Pakistani dramas brothers, a lot of the actors are keeping short beards.

I know, it’s a short beard, but it’s a start. In the English dramas, the storylines vary, but most of the actors are clean shaven. With the Asian dramas, they try to teach the viewer life lessons, where as English dramas leaves you wondering will Grant Mitchell rise from the dead again?

Ross Kemp, who plays Grant Mitchell, is like The Undertaker, (whose character never dies). In Pakistani dramas, they always show the rich and poor divide and how differently poor people are treated to the rich and how arrogant the rich are.

One of the last things, and yes this is probably the most annoying is how there will one family in the drama who will say ‘hello mom, good morning’. Man! You’re not American, nor do you sound like it either.

Also, why do they have such a massive spread for two people!? Find it infuriating! PS, someone will have a business, work in an office or be involved in Politics. Brothers, you’re welcome. Whether it be Asian, English or Scottish dramas, if you watch them long enough, you get hooked!

Damn it! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Hello and good evening, here I talk about Pakistani dramas