asian

Sri Lanka vs England 2nd test

All-rounder Angelo Matthew‘s patient century, helped hosts Sri Lanka to just about dominate day one of the 2nd test in Galle.

The hosts got their innings of to the worst start after after falling to 7-2. James Anderson claimed two early wickets, and picked up another to leave the Asian side reeling at 76-3.

In the gruelling heat, former captain Mathews hit a measured 107 not out and put on 117 with captain Dinesh Chandimal Sri Lanka closed on 229-4.

Wicketkeeper batsmen Niroshan Dickwella finished the day 19 not out. Sri Lanka have arguably scored slowly on a flat pitch.

Credit goes to England, who limited the scoring on a pitch offering little movement for their fast bowlers or turn for the spinners.

Veteran James Anderson (3-24) was the tourists’ main threat with the ball as Jack Leach and Dom Bess remained wicket less.

So it was Sri Lanka, who edged day one but only just!

Some traits of an Asian man

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearers of all beards on digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I hope you’re well and I hope you’re looking after yourselves and your beard! Brothers I want to talk about an important issue. Brothers, we have done many a blog post on Asian life, so you lovely souls might be getting an idea of what it’s like to be brown and originate from the Asian Sub Continent.

What I want to mention in this blog, is some common traits of an Asian man. In the previous blog, we did mention the Alpha Male mentality that an Asian “Uncle” has (he never shows emotions). That Asian man will have a mustache, sometimes their tash is curly, a comical looking curly, but not the Yosemite Sam type.

Other traits, might not be as obvious … they tend to die their hair. Ever wonder how these older Asian men have hair blacker than shoe polish? Nope, it’s not what you think (because they’re single) they have grey hair and are using grey hair to cover it! Oooo they’re living in denial, let them go grey gracefully.

This is coming from the bald headed man, who after seeing he had three grey strands of beard hair, cut them off! Hey, in my defence I am 34, and too young for being a grey fox.

I can’t forget the wig. An Asian man, will wear and wig when they go bald, not me I have bald gracefully. When I get cold on my head it’s the trilbies or the snapbacks, never a wig! They look like a rag on your head …. just no!

Me and my brother, play wig watch (seeing if some’s head full of hair is a wig or genuine)… such is the amusement we get from how ridiculous you look. The argument is, it’s better than a comb over, but I don’t think it is.

Literally laughing in my head when I think about getting the hoover and sucking it over the Asian man’s wig.

If you’re from Manchester and you’re an Asian young man and you see them wearing designer trainers, namely Nike, know that they’re a Bury New Road special (knock off trainers). Yes, there maybe cheap, but when I go down to Bury New Road, nothing is more annoying than being harassed by people drumming up business for their shops.

I would much prefer to go to Turkey, if I really wanted counterfeit sports wear. Going to the European country, will also be a holiday where the weather tends to be nice weather, or I could get new teeth if I went Turkey, which would crown off my trip … yes that was a teeth pun.

Other traits of an Asian man, would be his “Rado or Rolex” watch. If you ask them, no it’s not Brolex or Ralo. Funny story, when my brother would change watch batteries for these kind of watches in my dad’s shop and tell them price of the battery fitting the Asian men, would get angry.

When it was put to them, due to the severity of the Rado mechanism and labour expertise needed this is why it would cost more. This is where the lie, would unravel .. it’s only a cheap watch they would fume, that costs more than the watch!

Oh how the mighty fall at that very moment. Last and most certainly not least (as I am sure there is more, but I will only mention these) is an Asian man will always exaggerate the price he paid for a house or a car. That Asian Uncle brought a new car?

If he brought it for let’s sey £11,995 … he will say he got for £14,995. Obviously you don’t tell the truth for how much you got it now there for do you?

That is my list of traits of Asian men, is there any more? Let me know in the comments it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Asian parents vs non Asian parents (with a hint of sarcasm)

When you think of Parents, you think of a lot of things. If there were no parents, there would be no me, no you. It’s something, that a lot of us will become in our life.

Some of us embrace it, some of us struggle in the role of parent, here though I want to just highlight some of the things that all parents do.

I will qualify that, what all Asian parents do. Now non-Asian parents (some at least) are known by their first name to their children.

Any Asian kid, dare to call their parents by their name …. Let’s just say get the funeral directors on the ready.

In non-Asian households going out to play, for example, might be as simple as ABC and 123, in an Asian household? Nope!

First, you have to ask your mum and hope she’s able to twist the arm of your dad and make him ‘give in’ on this occasion.

This almost reminds of a video game, where you defeat all the bosses, then you got the final boss- the hardest of them all, and that’s an Asian dad.

Some are worried about lockdown? Well in an Asian house it’s a near lockdown every day.

I need to also mention an Asian father is a true depiction of an Alpha Male. You will never, a handful of times if you’re lucky see your old man cry.

If you do indeed see your old man cry, know it’s a collectors item. If you see your dad get up in the middle of the original Lion King, right before Mufasa dies, you know he isn’t putting the kettle on.

An Asian parent is more efficient than Royal Mail’s sorting office, they very kindly go through your post.

They’re HR too, I can recall many occasion where I was ill but ended up going into work to withstand the questions upon questions as to why I am off, and I don’t ‘look ill’.

In a non-Asian household, the narrative tends to be, you’re 16 years old out of the house, you’re old enough to stand on your own two feet.

If an Asian at 35 had that attitude that he/she can stand on their own two feet, then civil war and, although not a nuclear war, violence with the slipper would ensue thereafter.

Asian boy or girl, try to move out of the home, and that might be one of the last things you do on planet earth.

There’s a flip side to this, yes this is a very satirical piece, but should my parents get old, or even frail,  I would honestly love to look after them in their old age, like they did me in my infancy.

I have seen the Dispatchers and Panorama programmes alike, and they show mistreatment of the elderly in nursing homes. Yours truly couldn’t have that on his conscience.

Could never dream of putting my parents in a nursing home.

In front of your Asian parents, if you swear like a trooper, again you will get the slipper or even a backhand more deadly than Rodger Federer’s.

In a non-Asian household, there have been instances where kids and parents only address each other by swearing.

One thing, that both non-Asian parents are in unison is that neither encourages their child to smoke. Both Asian kids and non-Asian kids tend to hide that they smoke from their parents.

Maybe in a non-Asian household, it’s eventually tolerated, but in an Asian household it’s very frowned upon to smoke, but what about drinking I hear you ask? Don’t even go there.

Other differences with non-Asian and Asian household and their attitude of parents is that in a non-Asian household they tend to leave it to the kids themselves to find their own partner for settling down, that means in a long term relationship or marriage.

In an Asian household, if word gets out that the child themselves chose their own partner for settling down with and in this case to marry them, the parents are seen as possible weak and the child a ‘wild child’.

It’s fair to say, I have poked a bit of fun of parents, but deep down it’s something that’s thrust upon you. He/she will never be truly ready for parenthood until you are in the moment.

I am not a parent as of yet, so when I do become one, it will be hilarious in my mind, if I do any of those things that I poked fun at for parents doing.

Deep down, I am personally very blessed for my parents …. Genuinely so.I have had anxiety issues, my parents have been there for me, I suffered heartbreak from my first love.

In both of these instances where I was at an all-time low, my parents were there for me.

Quite simply, I wouldn’t be the beard I am today if it wasn’t for their love, care and support that they have shown me over the years.

That is priceless and makes me think don’t take anything for granted.

Family gatherings; Asian vs Non-Asian

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My bearded beloved’s, I am here this evening to address you lovely souls.

Brothers, I hope you’re surviving in these tough times, times where you can’t fully maintain your beards (give them a trim). Brothers … this is times of lockdown, brother beard it’s binding upon you to learn skills.

Skills such as may be cooking, will go some way to achieving your goals. I am a beard who tries to lead by example. So, alhamdulillah I have learnt to make toffee crisp, kinder Bueno and Aero milkshake.

On top of that, I have learnt how to make kebabs and to prepare chicken .. before the lockdown I wouldn’t have had a clue how to do any of that. I am fortunate to be able to say, I have done this, as well as working on improving this project (The Bearded Captain).

Without too much further ado, I want to talk about today’s topic … Family gatherings Asian’s vs Non-Asian’s.

We have touched upon this in a previous post, but there are some specifics I want to mention here.

In an Asian household, if there’s for an example a family dinner on Saturday 16th May, us Asians, would probably get ready for it two weeks before. Now, in an Asian household, it’s not just the food they look out for when hosting a dinner party , the house gets attention too.

Any slight imperfections in the bathroom, the whole house gets the DIY SOS treatment. Mr Nick Knowles, if you think your programme is going stale, then search the “Asian yellow pages” (directory to find the places where Asian’s are many).

That would keep your programme going for many years to come. Now, if the bathroom isn’t quite eye blindingly gleaming, then this isn’t good enough because what will the guest’s thing about a room that’s only used for necessity rather than convenience like the living room.

As I am Asian of course, I can’t say for sure, but this doesn’t strike me as something a non-Asian would pay so much attention to detail too. A non-Asian might have a certain amount of cousins extended family but in an Asian household … well.

An extended family usually means, cousins, cousins’ sister’s wife’s brothers daughters son. If you understood that great! Because I don’t quite understand for family dinners how the Asian family tree increases at such a rate.

I am convinced sometimes, these lady and gents are Bollywood extras, hired just to make the party look that more well attended. Great for Aunties chit chat and showboating .. to show how well the gathering has been attended of course.

In a non-Asian household, I am sure they clean their house well and proper, but in an Asian household, we clean the house expecting the food standards agency to show up at any minute.

Now for the food itself, as previously mentioned in an Asian household, for family gatherings is five-star  Michelin quality.

Non-Asian household food for family gatherings, barely “tickles the surface”. A £1 bag of cheese and onion crisps served on a plate for 10 people is cute, but if you’re like me .. I can wolf that down by myself in 10 minutes.

If that doesn’t fill you up, what about the tuna triangle cut sandwiches accompanied by slices of quiche and some slices of pizza.

Good finger food there, some may say. But if you want a banquet  and not have the felling of what’s for dinner afterwards, then  take a deep breath. Let me just roll out the food menu at an Asian family gathering.

Chicken pieces, chicken roast, kebabs samosas, fish and lamb chops – that’s just the starters! Then we move on to our mains, there we have brown rice with the options of curry’s.

Vegetable curry (for the psychopaths), boneless chicken mixed in spinach (my favourite) or lamb curry. Reading this you’re probably getting hungry, then full right? There’s more, a mention needs to be made about naan or chapati as an alternative to rice.

As you can see the main’s and starters are filled with grease oil, enough oil to probably supply Saudi and the other Middle Eastern/Arab states, but don’t tell Donald!

If you manage to conquer the man versus food challenge that is an Asian food menu filled with oil and grease, then brace yourselves for the dessert. This is usually an Indian sweet dish or for the real posh Asian’s amongst the masses, there’s ice cream or chocolate cake!

The guests act shocked in an Asian household that dessert is coming. They make a tongue and cheek comment of “you have made so much, and you’ve made dessert too”, even though they knew it was coming (deep down).

The chocolate cake, the ice cream or even the Indian sweets that’s dripped in syrup, is usually diabetes in a plate.

In a non-Asian household, they probably would have a dessert of that nature too (Ice cream or cake).

Refreshments wise, in a non-Muslim non-Asian household, they would have wine or beer. As for Asian’s they have Pepsi, coke or even Rubicon Mango, who my friend swears blindly is an alcoholic drink (don’t ask).

Pepsi and coke may seem like harmless drinks, but how giddy and boisterous the Uncle’s get after dinner, you question that rhetoric and think water would have sufficed for them, especially with the drive back home to consider.

So the dinner is done, and for the non-asian household it’s 10 plates and side plates to clean and that’s the party done and dusted. If it only it was like that in an Asian household.

The night after calling over 100 people for dinner (half of the relatives probably forging their relative status to you), the time for the clean down missions begins. Bathrooms, kitchen, garage (even though no one went in there) must be cleaned spotless.

The front room, dining room and lobby need to be given a makeover too, a makeover that would make the team at Homes Under The Hammer lost for words.

Into the night this intense cleaning operation would go into and at the end of it, you would be left with leftover food that could feed Manchester for a week, but your own household for two weeks! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.