Beard

The alternate face mask

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. My brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and your beards!

Brothers, one of the best gifts in life is health, family and free time. As blessed as one is to have some of them, and even more blessed to have them all, another blessing is your beard!

Now my beloved’s you’re only too aware of my opinions on beard life. A beard, makes a man, yes, but the man must also make the beard …. this is also true. My soldiers, what I want to talk about in this message is the issue of masks.

Whether you love them or loathe them, a mask is here to stay for the foreseeable future around the world. Now, my brothers, with the mask it covers your face and protects your mouth does it not?

This is vital, the experts say to protect yourself against the virus. My brothers, a beard is the ultimate mask. A beard masks an ugly face … I am being honest a face that allows nature to dictate it is the purest face and of course a natural one.

A face becomes ugly if you change like the clean-shaven do when they betray their face day after day …. it will take its toll. Brothers did you know, it’s more hygienic to have a beard than not having one? Didn’t think so.

This propaganda of the clean-shaven will never tell you that. In this pandemic, even yours truly was told due to Covid19, I will have to shave my face, but no that’s for the people in the medical profession.

A beard, masks face rash and coldness in the winter! But amongst all that it protects us men from feminine tendencies. We are men, so be men! The beard also mask the beard itch too!

Here is the video of me talking about this on daily motion; https://www.dailymotion.com/TheBeardedCaptain

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The passing of the torch moment

Hello and good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves, but more importantly looking after your beards!

My Bearded brothers, it’s been with great privilege and honour that I can say I am your Bearded Captain, your Bearded Leader. I might not mention it too much, but as much as I lead you beards over social media and all digital media, I am also following a lead too.

That lead I am following is that of The Bearded General, Daddy Malik (aka Daddy Beard). Now, his bearded eminence The Bearded General, The Commander and Chief is a superior above a superior.

Now, it might be hard to believe, brothers that I need to be lead, but there are two figures that are above me in rank. The Bearded Alpha, Mr Ahmed Talib Rashid and of course The Bearded General Daddy Malik.

As much as The Alpha has been a priceless mentor, teacher and someone to help your Captain in his Bearded adolescence, it’s the story of The General of Beards who this story refers to.

Brothers, my dad, of course, is my mentor in life, but he is most certainly in my Bearded life too. He is the one who gives my beard the thorough inspection after I have been to The Bearded Barbers.

“It’s not level” or “It’s not cut properly below the chin and above the Adam’s apple” are just some of the criterion The General looks for when he wants to see his son and now air to The Bearded Throne.

For the loyal readers of my blog (thank you for that), you will know that I make mention of the deceased leader of Cuba Fidel Castro. Now, don’t get me wrong here guys I am not going to make any political statements here, (we don’t do that here, we try to make the people laugh and smile).

My dad would liken me to Fidel, now when he first said this I thought, maybe because I am an excellent leader in his eyes, someone who has an aura about him … nope, it was none of that! It was due to my beard being messy!

The General would never mince his words and would always give me tough Bearded Love, but when my dad came to me for advice it was a passing of the torch moment. It was Bearded advice.

So it went like this;

“Son do you have anything for there bottom of my beard underneath my chin’? At this point was so humbled and I beamed and couldn’t stop smiling. The advice didn’t stop there, my dad even took one of my beard combs too, felt like a very happy beard indeed!

On that happy note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The decorative beard

Hello and good morning my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves and your beard!

My bearded brothers, project Bearded Captain is blossoming quite nicely. 

There is the blogs, which we’re doing here, the vlogs, which can be found here; https://www.smartlightpeople.com//watch/the-story-of-how-i-grew-my-beard_azGpf68oTpmC3SB.html.

As well, as that there is the podcast which is available on the majority of Podcast platforms (which includes Pocket Cast and Spotify amongst others). A massive thanks goes to the one, who gave me my beard.

Now brothers, what I want to talk about today though, is the issue of the “decorative beard”. This is an issue, that won’t get spoken about too much, but it’s still necessary to mention this.

This topic is as literal as it sounds, it’s a beard that’s well decorated. Now, brothers, in my infancy of beard life, I had a lack of knowledge on this issue. Someone, in my work, asked;

“will you put baubles on your beard”. Upon hearing this, I thought to myself, I have never heard such a ridiculous suggestion. To me, it’s like a man wearing a headband, which is fittingly called an “Alice band”, note it’s not an Alistair band (the clue is in the detail).

Upon further investigation, I found out that beard baubles are available as well as beard clips. Brothers, if grown correctly your beard is the decorative piece of your face.

Why some have found the need, to find a product that’s not needed (beard baubles) is beyond me, it really is. The beard baubles, like the masks we were in this day and age, instead of helping the beard blossom, it, in fact, does the exact opposite!

WWE wrestler Seamus is the first person I think of when the topic of decorative beard is mentioned. The beard that he had, is the entry-level of beard.

The sides of his beard cheeks, platted may look cool, it’s far from it. Brothers, this is beard abuse. We take good care to groom and nurture our beards, baubles are to be put on a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree is of course where the gifts are stored and the face gift is where the beard is stored. Brothers, I was gifted a beard bauble set and I have worn the bearded baubles, it made the clean-shaven laugh and smile.

Everything I said still applies to the bearded baubles, but to make the clean-shaven smile is also your purpose in life, even if they make their own faces unhappy by shaving.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The gap beard explained

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. my Bearded Beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue.

That is the issue of The Gap Beard. Brothers, that’s as literal as it sounds. Now, I must admit this topic didn’t come to my consideration until I heard someone mention this issue.

My soldiers, we have talked in length about the need and necessity of growing a beard and how awesome they are and make you look. What makes a beard as show-stopping as it is, is the fact it’s well kept, groomed and “full”.

So that means brothers your beard needs to join to the tash and your cheek hairs need to be full up with no gaps. It’s hard for some of your (namely the white guy and Arabs), but a beard in its true beauty is when it’s full.

To fill gaps in a wall, you use polly filler, if only there was a beard equivalent!

Spare a thought for some Chinese, and other brothers from The Far East. You can’t grow a full beard, so shave it? Errrr no! Brother of mine, I can assure you, you’re very beloved to me and even loved more than the other beards are loved by your bearded leader.

Some of the Asian teenagers have better facial hair than you when they’re 13, but you still persist in beard life. Where you can (the parts that grow) *weeps at that fact*, put cream or beard oil on your beard.

Nothing beats keeping your beard well nourished. Whether you have a full Merlin or Cat Whiskers beard, you will still be better than a clean-shaven. I know a beard with a gap, is arguably the male equivalent of being flat-chested, but a clean-shaven is like a girl putting tissue roll in her t-shirt (if you know what I mean)

We are brothers my beards, we are all equal. The example of someone with a beard gap reminds of to be grateful for what beard we have been given, we should appreciate what we have.

It’s over and out from The Bearded (full beard from the cheeks, with no gaps) Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

So when do you know you have a big beard? (Satire)

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, as always I say I hope you’re well and looking after your beards.

My brothers, I am sure you remember when I was going through the painful ordeal of being reduced to the life of a short bearded man. If you don’t then it’s that you don’t actually read my blog (have shame bearded one … just joking – but read my blog).

Bearded Soldiers, you will remember the painful ordeal I talked about and the misery that I felt, the moment it sunk that I cut it too short. There was a lot to sink in that day, including my beard hair! *whaling* (even though I told a cracking pun if I say so myself).

Thankfully, my Bearded Companions, the Bearded ease has come after the Bearded hardship, my beard is longer again! How do I define a long beard I hear you ask? Don’t worry young Bearded one, your Captain is here.

To define a long beard is simple and if these few examples apply to you then congratulations my Bearded brethren, you’re a long beard! Now, only the select few and the pinnacle of beards grow the Merlin beard (a long beard, very long but immaculate in its maintenance).

So the first sign of when your beard has gone long is when you see it puff out on the sides. With a short beard, you wouldn’t have that problem. Let me guess? You too have also tried to “comb” your beard with your hand or aggressively pat down your facial pride and joy.

If this isn’t one sign, there is of course food now getting stuck in there (what I call the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard). If you grow it long enough, you could probably keep your secret diary in there.

Another sign is when you feel your beard getting blown from side to side to side the wind, with a short beard your face just gets cold. Brothers, be sure to keep your comb with you and when your beard does get blown around, it’s not the end of the world.

Honourable mentions need to be mentioned for when you wash your face with a long beard and splash the water on your beard, the water stays there, with a short beard the water doesn’t stay it gets absorbed by the skin quicker.

Also, with a long beard, the beard hairs can sometimes come into your mouth without prior warning. Now, I know your beard smells nice, but it’s not edible so it won’t taste nice.

The last obvious sign for me though, however, is when you’re zipping up a coat and a jacket, you run the risk of your beard hair getting stuck in the zip as you do it. Does this happen with a short beard? No!
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

 

The Beardnet

Hello and good evening my bearded soldiers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. Greetings, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue this evening, that’s the issue of the Beardnet.

Nope, it’s not a Bearded alternative to a certain broadband provider who have a clean-shaven Jessie fronting their ad campaign (I know crazy and absurd). Brothers this evening’s topic is about the nets that workers in food shops put in their hair.

Here though, I will be mentioning when our Bearded brothers have to put their beards in captivity. The official line is, it’s hygiene and on one hand, they do have a point. When you’re eating your food and you see a stray hair in the food, it’s disgusting, right?

The last thing we want is someone experience that due to beard hair going astray, and they do go astray. When we say go astray, we’re not saying the beard is being rebellious but it kinds of exercising it’s right I guess, of leaving the face when it fees necessary.

There have been times, where hair mysteriously comes in my cereal. It’s not my head hair, I am bald! It can only be my beard hair. The feeling of putting a Beardnet on your beard would no doubt be uncomfortable, but better it’s than better than Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Hair Flakes.

When playing snooker and you run the cue through your chin, but your chin is a beard, it can get uncomfortable, but also distressing. I say that because, right under your very nose your beard is getting messy, but you feel powerless.

Ok, so to raise the issue of another uncomfortable moment for your beard, I will be mentioning the moment when you put on a Coronavirus mask. The mask, as seen in the cover image (of me), is a mask that looks not too dissimilar to a mask of a surgeon.

At times, when combing your beard or trimming your tash, you need the precision of a surgeon. With those masks, it’s like your essentially practising putting your head down at the swimming pool’s deep end, the level you have to go to, to control your breathing .

On top of that, you have to deal with the fact that one, the mask puts a weird line in your beard and two it takes ages to come out! Coronavirus, it’s hoped is easing. Brothers, I know wearing masks may be uncomfortable but console yourself with this fact, clean-shaven look like what we do in our masks now.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The Just Trimmed Feeling

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Hello and greetings brothers, here I am this evening talking about the fresh beard trim

 

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I hope you’re looking after yourselves and looking after your most prized possession your beard.

Now, brothers, you have seen that I am a bald-headed bearded man, so I won’t know the fresh trim in terms of hair cut feeling these days, but I sure do know the fresh beard trim feeling. When I could say many moons ago when I did cut my hair, the fresh hair trim feeling gave you a herculean feeling.

To make this relatable to a clean-shaven, I will say you will feel like a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney, when you have just trimmed your hair.

The confidence you get and the way you strut with a purpose, you wouldn’t do that when your back and sides fade has worn off for example.

With a beard, the feeling is the same, well kind of. When you grow a beard, the aim is to make yourself feel good all the time. Well, helping preserve the natural way on your face (letting your beard grow) you’re allowing nature to take its course.

Nature is beautiful in terms of scenery, isn’t it? Whether it be Yorkshire or Dorset for example, scenic beauty is lovely to look at, the same could be said with your beard.

As mentioned in previous posts, a bearded barber is entrusted with the utmost trust, the pledge of looking after and helping one’s beard look a bit sharper after they have been to the beard salon.

In a beard salon, your face won’t go in one of those machines, and you won’t be gossiping about what’s in OK magazine, but rather you will be in the care of a master craftsman.

Wax for the cheeks, cut-throat razor for the cheeks and to tidy up near Adam’s apple.
Not forgetting to mention the scissors, that would be required fo help tame the stray hairs from the side of the face (a consequence of untrimmed beard hair). When your beard is freshly trimmed, you dread walking on a windy day.

After the Bearded Barber, masterfully trimmed and helped shape your beard, the last thing you want is for the blustery conditions to ruin the barber’s hard work.

I am not sure if this just me, but I am reluctant to wear t-shirts, after I have to put my head through the hole, running the risk of messing up your beard in the process.

I wear shirts, when I go to the Bearded Barber, such is the concern that I have with this issue, is this just me?

In the case of when you get a haircut, one goes back to mediocrity. Hairs longer, not as well-trimmed and zap goes that fresh haircut swagger.

That probably explains why the barbers on the curry mile are always busy

When you outgrow your beard trim, a beard doesn’t lose that swagger, because he combs and maintains his beard.

A beard does lose some, but crucially not all. Brothers, the need to look after the beard always gets emphasised when it comes to the new beard. Stay blessed, stay beard – it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The jaw line “beard”

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My brothers, a beard isn’t just about catchy phrases and slogans.

Brothers, the beard is the uniform to symbolise how awesome and rock& roll we are. We have touched upon it, but in this blog, we will look to go into a bit more detail. My soldiers, I want to talk about the jawline “beard”.

As talked about in our last address, (the last blog) we mentioned that a man with a moustache is still clean-shaven. Just because he has lip fluff, don’t get illusioned. Yes, it’s facial hair but it’s not below the chin, that’s what we’re after here.

In case some think, that’s me giving the approval of the goatee … you’re mistaken. A beard is hair that’s kept under the chin and on the side of your cheeks. Some then might look to find loopholes after reading this, those men my brothers are one’s who have jawlines.

What is a jawline? It’s as literal as it sounds – it’s a line (in this case line of facial hair) across the jawbone. Sounds ok right? Of course, it isn’t .. these men seem to be the kind who clock off work at one minute before shift time and not after.

These men, probably know the complex ways to avoid the legal tax system such is their way of trying to find loopholes. A beard doesn’t require shaving, with a jawline you have to shave even some might say this is a beard.

The one’s who have jawlines and the ones who shave their face to shape their jawlines are essentially like carpenters to their own face or even sculptors. I say this because a sculptor, with precision, makes a shape for his statue and a carpenter – crafts design in wood.

As skilled as both are in their fields, don’t use such skills to your face bearded one. A beard is different and proud. A man with a jawline is like a crossbreed which is similar to that of the case of the two-day stubble, which we have mentioned on previous blogs.
A razor is to be used on your head, and your err herm.

Why in your right mind would you want your face to look like an 800m running track? Facial hair on a man’s face should feel welcomed, rather than a guest who’s not even going to stay for dinner.

A beard isn’t a fashion statement, although your face does look fashionable and $1 million when grown properly. Brothers, some may dismiss it as inconvenience but you really need to have a comb by your side at all times.

They say a cake needs a cherry on top . Your beard brothers is your cherry on top of your face. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.