Beard

The Just Trimmed Feeling

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Hello and greetings brothers, here I am this evening talking about the fresh beard trim

 

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I hope you’re looking after yourselves and looking after your most prized possession your beard.

Now, brothers, you have seen that I am a bald-headed bearded man, so I won’t know the fresh trim in terms of hair cut feeling these days, but I sure do know the fresh beard trim feeling. When I could say many moons ago when I did cut my hair, the fresh hair trim feeling gave you a herculean feeling.

To make this relatable to a clean-shaven, I will say you will feel like a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney, when you have just trimmed your hair.

The confidence you get and the way you strut with a purpose, you wouldn’t do that when your back and sides fade has worn off for example.

With a beard, the feeling is the same, well kind of. When you grow a beard, the aim is to make yourself feel good all the time. Well, helping preserve the natural way on your face (letting your beard grow) you’re allowing nature to take its course.

Nature is beautiful in terms of scenery, isn’t it? Whether it be Yorkshire or Dorset for example, scenic beauty is lovely to look at, the same could be said with your beard.

As mentioned in previous posts, a bearded barber is entrusted with the utmost trust, the pledge of looking after and helping one’s beard look a bit sharper after they have been to the beard salon.

In a beard salon, your face won’t go in one of those machines, and you won’t be gossiping about what’s in OK magazine, but rather you will be in the care of a master craftsman.

Wax for the cheeks, cut-throat razor for the cheeks and to tidy up near Adam’s apple.
Not forgetting to mention the scissors, that would be required fo help tame the stray hairs from the side of the face (a consequence of untrimmed beard hair). When your beard is freshly trimmed, you dread walking on a windy day.

After the Bearded Barber, masterfully trimmed and helped shape your beard, the last thing you want is for the blustery conditions to ruin the barber’s hard work.

I am not sure if this just me, but I am reluctant to wear t-shirts, after I have to put my head through the hole, running the risk of messing up your beard in the process.

I wear shirts, when I go to the Bearded Barber, such is the concern that I have with this issue, is this just me?

In the case of when you get a haircut, one goes back to mediocrity. Hairs longer, not as well-trimmed and zap goes that fresh haircut swagger.

That probably explains why the barbers on the curry mile are always busy

When you outgrow your beard trim, a beard doesn’t lose that swagger, because he combs and maintains his beard.

A beard does lose some, but crucially not all. Brothers, the need to look after the beard always gets emphasised when it comes to the new beard. Stay blessed, stay beard – it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The jaw line “beard”

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My brothers, a beard isn’t just about catchy phrases and slogans.

Brothers, the beard is the uniform to symbolise how awesome and rock& roll we are. We have touched upon it, but in this blog, we will look to go into a bit more detail. My soldiers, I want to talk about the jawline “beard”.

As talked about in our last address, (the last blog) we mentioned that a man with a moustache is still clean-shaven. Just because he has lip fluff, don’t get illusioned. Yes, it’s facial hair but it’s not below the chin, that’s what we’re after here.

In case some think, that’s me giving the approval of the goatee … you’re mistaken. A beard is hair that’s kept under the chin and on the side of your cheeks. Some then might look to find loopholes after reading this, those men my brothers are one’s who have jawlines.

What is a jawline? It’s as literal as it sounds – it’s a line (in this case line of facial hair) across the jawbone. Sounds ok right? Of course, it isn’t .. these men seem to be the kind who clock off work at one minute before shift time and not after.

These men, probably know the complex ways to avoid the legal tax system such is their way of trying to find loopholes. A beard doesn’t require shaving, with a jawline you have to shave even some might say this is a beard.

The one’s who have jawlines and the ones who shave their face to shape their jawlines are essentially like carpenters to their own face or even sculptors. I say this because a sculptor, with precision, makes a shape for his statue and a carpenter – crafts design in wood.

As skilled as both are in their fields, don’t use such skills to your face bearded one. A beard is different and proud. A man with a jawline is like a crossbreed which is similar to that of the case of the two-day stubble, which we have mentioned on previous blogs.
A razor is to be used on your head, and your err herm.

Why in your right mind would you want your face to look like an 800m running track? Facial hair on a man’s face should feel welcomed, rather than a guest who’s not even going to stay for dinner.

A beard isn’t a fashion statement, although your face does look fashionable and $1 million when grown properly. Brothers, some may dismiss it as inconvenience but you really need to have a comb by your side at all times.

They say a cake needs a cherry on top . Your beard brothers is your cherry on top of your face. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, I go by the name of the Beeear, Beeeearded Captain *tries to control his cries*. Brothers, in the four years that I have been Bearded Leader, and very proudly been Bearded Leader, never ever has a challenge like this come to the fore.

My brothers, the challenge that I am referring to is that of the short beard! Brothers, please don’t misunderstand me, I have said a beard is 1% growth and 99% attitude – this is still the case.

Having said that though, once you go long, anything else is so wrong. Shaving the beard … well, let’s not go there, or shaping a goatee and even having a short skin beard. In previous blogs and videos, I have mentioned them even as master craftsmen (the bearded barber).

With the lockdown in place and the clean-shaven Boris Johnson & most of the other MP’s in the cabinet being beardless too, then it seemed inevitable this was going to happen. A longer beard might be prone to getting food stuck in it, or getting messy too, but when looked after it’s the treasure to your face.

Having to go short beard due to my shoddy scissor work, is like Dec being without Ant – Laurel being without Hardy … or even cheese being without the onion! *cries in the corner*.

A man with a beard is like a lion, I feel like a kitten hitting their form of puberty, I am declawed, this is testing times in beard life! Don’t try this at home my bearded superiors said, I sadly gave them the finger salute, but why!

I am young, naive and a tad rebellious. Lockdown has made me explore new skills, the master of being a beard craftsman, no doubt takes years, decades to master … but I have ran before I could walk.

As I cut the luscious locks off, I am sure I saw water in that very beard I cropped … they must have been beard tears. Just like someone with curly hair, you should never shave your head, someone with a long beard shouldn’t crop their beard really short – sadly like mine now.

I even put aftershave in my beard this morning like what I normally and the fragrance was directly absorbed by my cheeks, I don’t think I have felt that sensation since I was 19!

If you don’t understand my pain,  Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!

So there you have it my beards, the sad tale of why you shouldn’t try this at home. *bows head low* it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain*

Black lives matter always

Hello, and greetings my bearded beloved’s, it’s me your Bearded Leader, on all things digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My beards, as much as we try to do these blog addresses to make you laugh, sometimes this platform needs to be used differently.

My dearest brothers, the need to talk about this may seem necessary now, but this issue always needs to be mentioned. It’s the issue, that’s hit headlines this week, that’s the issue of racial tensions in America.

An unarmed Afro-American man (George Floyd) was murdered by a police officer. Today, in the 21st century, it’s with great sadness brothers, that I am having to write this post.

The reality brothers is that this is an issue that isn’t going to go away until Donald “The clean-shaven Jessie Trump” is in office at the White House. This topic of race relations is in the public eye, due to this tragic passing of the 46-year old Floyd.

There’s never a blessing in a death of an innocent man, nor can they ever be, but what The Captain hopes is that this can help encourage raising awareness for this issue. The media, have brought this issue into the spotlight and will duly take it out of the limelight when they feel like too.

My brothers, some of us aren’t Afro-Caribbean so we can’t truly understand what this community goes through, but we bleed red. We have hearts, we care. This issue of racial inequality isn’t just in America, but it’s around the world.

Sports teams may want to kneel down on one knee as a form of protest, but Colin Kaepernick has been doing this for some time, well before this tragic news had taken place. It’s a challenge for all brothers, we need to be consistent here.

When the news stop covering this issue, don’t make it be that we do too. As an Asian, I am sad to say that there’s victimisation and poor treatment by some, of black people. Son-in laws who are black in the Asian community are very few, and that’s sad.

It appears to be solely for the colour of their skin. The issue is there when it comes to black women too. I sincerely hope, The Bearded Captain blog and vlog, promotes equality for all races and creeds.

Here what I have to say about it here; Black lives matter always

Brothers, the aim is to unite all through comedy and banter. It’s over and out from The Captain.

Mental health awareness

Hello and greeting my bearded soldiers, good morning from The Bearded Captain. On a bright sunny morning, here in “MAN”chester (we beards do put the MAN, into Manchester) – I want to address an issue that some might not give the full value of the worth of it being mentioned.

That my bearded brothers is that of mental health. Although, I am no expert (far from it) I want to mention this topic because it most certainly needs a mention. Some, see it as an illness, others may not.

Maybe because mental health, isn’t necessarily a physical condition, where the effects are visible on the outside like other illnesses, but it’s still a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion time and does need to be discussed.

My bearded brother, I know being a beard, might make you feel infallible, but my brother it’s real.

Here, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to carry the work on raising awareness for #mentalhealth like I have been doing already.

Through social media, my vlog which can be found here https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/        

This showcases the many times, I am trying to use my style of comedy for positive

affects. I intend to be an ambassador of mental health issues on this site.

The aim is not to shove this down people’s throats or be so direct about it if you like. But what we want to do, is keep working on a positive mind. Comedy is one of the best ways to do this.

Laughter is the best medicine, they say, this will always be the case I feel. This is an ongoing project brother’s. We will discuss this in the future in more detail, but brothers to help propel the message of beard, I will need your support and that will include financially.

For now, I ask you all kindly, to like and share my articles in the future, as well as my video uploads. Brothers, together we are stronger and together we will hit #mentalhealth for six!

It’s over and out from The Captain … stay blessed stay beard!

What it means to be a beard

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (leader of all beards on digital media). It’s been a pleasure to call myself that for the four years that I started this project.

All thanks go to the one, who gave me my facial treasure, the face medallion my beard. The journey in bearded leadership has been close to smooth sailing. Thanks and praise must go the one who gave me my beard.

Just yesterday, it’s emerged, however, that I have work to do and any success I feel I might have had, I need to learn to stay humble and modest. This persona is a tongue in cheek persona. You, my soldiers, are aware no doubt of this.

The world of the internet is a place where it’s like a separate realm almost. People can hide behind a computer and say anything and almost get away with it.

On the youtube part of the project, a youtube user after five months (yes you read that right) decided to comment on one of my old videos and tell me I look like a terrorist (apparently).

I find it ironic, due to the work we have done to challenge this stereotype. Of course, we can’t always issue a rebuttal to each person, but my beards this is a reminder to us all.

The reminder is two-fold, the first part is we can’t issue a rebuttal on each hate mail we get, sometimes silence is golden. Second lesson though is when we issue a response, or shall I say if we do, then we need to be measured in how we respond.

If you fight fire with fire, both will get burnt. The way to tackle a fire is with water. My beards, we make them laugh and we show them we are excellent in manners.

A real beard doesn’t stand for any harm caused to their face (shaving beard), so how can we stand for the killing of innocents? (Men, ladies, children – young and old).

The Captain has said this, and he will say it again, he/she who thinks it’s ok to kill innocent people without reason, The Captain is free of you. You have no right to sit on my table. 

The Bearded Pledge (A beard, will always be 1% growth, 99% attitude with the ability to make them laugh!). Lastly, #saynototerrorism. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The people who you can’t trust (Satire)

Hello, good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain (Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media). My beards, I want to stand to salute you all first of all.

You’re a credit to yourselves and your face. My brothers (non-keyworkers) you have had to overcome the “you need to shave your face, because of the coronavirus – and they say being bearded” can cause the spread of infection.

Your Captain has had this experience to deal with too. So how you deal with it? Well, I always advise to not go fire with fire, never really solves anything. So the scenario unfolded like so.

Them; “Yaz (The Bearded Captain), you will have to shave your beard because of what Dr’s are saying about coronavirus”.
Me; “Yeah, I know (Won’t insert her name here), I heard this on the news as well. If this ever becomes the case, that my beard is a problem in the workplace due to COVID, then I will self isolate”.

Game, set and match. There are our fallen heroes who are health care professionals and have had to lose their face shield, but in my case, I am not in health care … so no, I won’t give up my pride and joy for the sake of it.

There are respectively bigger challenges that a beard will need to face like the challenges of the summer. so without too much further ado, of course, someone who betrays their beard isn’t trustworthy, but let me give you some more examples.

Biscuit dippers …. biscuits aren’t there to be subjected to suicide dives into someone’s cup! The chocolate digestives are the flag bearers of biscuit.

It’s a unique name, shares similar traits to Pritt stick, blue tack and sellotape – what I mean by this whichever company makes it and even if their company calls it one, we the public will universally know it as that.

So, for example, Pritt stick will always be known as that whichever company makes it, so to subject the biscuit to such mindless abuse is, sweet snacks abuse!

Then you have the people who put the hot water in before making the coffee, what kind of evil sorcery is this? I can’t help but imagine you’re the very same kind of people who eat KitKat four fingers in the same way, you eat other chocolates.

What I mean, is that instead of eating the Nation’s favourite chocolate that you have on your first break with a cuppa, the normal way …. some of you eat the Kitkat with two half fingers ate.

I have to put the question, are the people who would spell your name, Sean, instead of Shaun? the first example surely spells seen, right? Unfortunately, there is women’s name spelt in the same unusual way.

Siobhan, is actually pronounced Shivorn? Siobhan spells C-O-Ban! So, as you can see these are several examples of the untrustworthy ones. We can’t forget to mention, the ones who wear socks when going to bed.

I am ashamed to admit this, I was one who was upon this treacherous way of thinking. Thankfully sense prevailed. Last but not least, another example of an “untrustworthy person”, is when they get a chicken burger meal, they finish their burger first and leave the chips.

A real crime, to burger meals and how they should be eaten. Chips first then the burger or you mix the two … but you do not! finish burger first. A bit of satire (attempted there) t try and cheer you up.

On that note my beards, I will now love you and leave you… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!