humour

Just don’t be one of those people

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue, it’s the topic of not being one of those people.

There’s always one, the odd one out. People who don’t spell their name right. “Hanna’, I am talking to you here and ‘Stephen’, yeah this is aimed at you. But brothers, what I am referring to here is the people who wear shorts in -2 degrees temperature or in any weather for that matter.

Dude, what’s wrong with you? Do you want Pneumonia? I am sorry, but I am gonna be blunt here, that’s like one of the hookers on a cold night. No matter the weather, she will always have the short skirt on, which is just weird, don’t be one of those people. Other people you shouldn’t be like are those who wear socks and sandals.

Are you a Geography teacher? No, didn’t think so …. but the people who do this (wear socks and sandals) well, let’s just say like Wethers Originals (you know what I mean). So more example of people that you shouldn’t be like are those who wear leather-strapped gentleman watches with a tracksuit.

Brothers, it just looks odd. This post borders on, my previous post of signs of a psychopath, which can be found here; https://ayyazmalik.com/2020/08/24/signs-of-psycho-satire/

My Bearded Soldiers, I am back after a little break, and that’s your list for now. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

When you know you’re in an Asian’s house (Satire)

Hello and greetings, here is a satirical look on how you know you’re in an Asian house. I hope you enjoy!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Some traits of an Asian man

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearers of all beards on digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I hope you’re well and I hope you’re looking after yourselves and your beard! Brothers I want to talk about an important issue. Brothers, we have done many a blog post on Asian life, so you lovely souls might be getting an idea of what it’s like to be brown and originate from the Asian Sub Continent.

What I want to mention in this blog, is some common traits of an Asian man. In the previous blog, we did mention the Alpha Male mentality that an Asian “Uncle” has (he never shows emotions). That Asian man will have a mustache, sometimes their tash is curly, a comical looking curly, but not the Yosemite Sam type.

Other traits, might not be as obvious … they tend to die their hair. Ever wonder how these older Asian men have hair blacker than shoe polish? Nope, it’s not what you think (because they’re single) they have grey hair and are using grey hair to cover it! Oooo they’re living in denial, let them go grey gracefully.

This is coming from the bald headed man, who after seeing he had three grey strands of beard hair, cut them off! Hey, in my defence I am 34, and too young for being a grey fox.

I can’t forget the wig. An Asian man, will wear and wig when they go bald, not me I have bald gracefully. When I get cold on my head it’s the trilbies or the snapbacks, never a wig! They look like a rag on your head …. just no!

Me and my brother, play wig watch (seeing if some’s head full of hair is a wig or genuine)… such is the amusement we get from how ridiculous you look. The argument is, it’s better than a comb over, but I don’t think it is.

Literally laughing in my head when I think about getting the hoover and sucking it over the Asian man’s wig.

If you’re from Manchester and you’re an Asian young man and you see them wearing designer trainers, namely Nike, know that they’re a Bury New Road special (knock off trainers). Yes, there maybe cheap, but when I go down to Bury New Road, nothing is more annoying than being harassed by people drumming up business for their shops.

I would much prefer to go to Turkey, if I really wanted counterfeit sports wear. Going to the European country, will also be a holiday where the weather tends to be nice weather, or I could get new teeth if I went Turkey, which would crown off my trip … yes that was a teeth pun.

Other traits of an Asian man, would be his “Rado or Rolex” watch. If you ask them, no it’s not Brolex or Ralo. Funny story, when my brother would change watch batteries for these kind of watches in my dad’s shop and tell them price of the battery fitting the Asian men, would get angry.

When it was put to them, due to the severity of the Rado mechanism and labour expertise needed this is why it would cost more. This is where the lie, would unravel .. it’s only a cheap watch they would fume, that costs more than the watch!

Oh how the mighty fall at that very moment. Last and most certainly not least (as I am sure there is more, but I will only mention these) is an Asian man will always exaggerate the price he paid for a house or a car. That Asian Uncle brought a new car?

If he brought it for let’s sey £11,995 … he will say he got for £14,995. Obviously you don’t tell the truth for how much you got it now there for do you?

That is my list of traits of Asian men, is there any more? Let me know in the comments it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Asian parents vs non Asian parents (with a hint of sarcasm)

When you think of Parents, you think of a lot of things. If there were no parents, there would be no me, no you. It’s something, that a lot of us will become in our life.

Some of us embrace it, some of us struggle in the role of parent, here though I want to just highlight some of the things that all parents do.

I will qualify that, what all Asian parents do. Now non-Asian parents (some at least) are known by their first name to their children.

Any Asian kid, dare to call their parents by their name …. Let’s just say get the funeral directors on the ready.

In non-Asian households going out to play, for example, might be as simple as ABC and 123, in an Asian household? Nope!

First, you have to ask your mum and hope she’s able to twist the arm of your dad and make him ‘give in’ on this occasion.

This almost reminds of a video game, where you defeat all the bosses, then you got the final boss- the hardest of them all, and that’s an Asian dad.

Some are worried about lockdown? Well in an Asian house it’s a near lockdown every day.

I need to also mention an Asian father is a true depiction of an Alpha Male. You will never, a handful of times if you’re lucky see your old man cry.

If you do indeed see your old man cry, know it’s a collectors item. If you see your dad get up in the middle of the original Lion King, right before Mufasa dies, you know he isn’t putting the kettle on.

An Asian parent is more efficient than Royal Mail’s sorting office, they very kindly go through your post.

They’re HR too, I can recall many occasion where I was ill but ended up going into work to withstand the questions upon questions as to why I am off, and I don’t ‘look ill’.

In a non-Asian household, the narrative tends to be, you’re 16 years old out of the house, you’re old enough to stand on your own two feet.

If an Asian at 35 had that attitude that he/she can stand on their own two feet, then civil war and, although not a nuclear war, violence with the slipper would ensue thereafter.

Asian boy or girl, try to move out of the home, and that might be one of the last things you do on planet earth.

There’s a flip side to this, yes this is a very satirical piece, but should my parents get old, or even frail,  I would honestly love to look after them in their old age, like they did me in my infancy.

I have seen the Dispatchers and Panorama programmes alike, and they show mistreatment of the elderly in nursing homes. Yours truly couldn’t have that on his conscience.

Could never dream of putting my parents in a nursing home.

In front of your Asian parents, if you swear like a trooper, again you will get the slipper or even a backhand more deadly than Rodger Federer’s.

In a non-Asian household, there have been instances where kids and parents only address each other by swearing.

One thing, that both non-Asian parents are in unison is that neither encourages their child to smoke. Both Asian kids and non-Asian kids tend to hide that they smoke from their parents.

Maybe in a non-Asian household, it’s eventually tolerated, but in an Asian household it’s very frowned upon to smoke, but what about drinking I hear you ask? Don’t even go there.

Other differences with non-Asian and Asian household and their attitude of parents is that in a non-Asian household they tend to leave it to the kids themselves to find their own partner for settling down, that means in a long term relationship or marriage.

In an Asian household, if word gets out that the child themselves chose their own partner for settling down with and in this case to marry them, the parents are seen as possible weak and the child a ‘wild child’.

It’s fair to say, I have poked a bit of fun of parents, but deep down it’s something that’s thrust upon you. He/she will never be truly ready for parenthood until you are in the moment.

I am not a parent as of yet, so when I do become one, it will be hilarious in my mind, if I do any of those things that I poked fun at for parents doing.

Deep down, I am personally very blessed for my parents …. Genuinely so.I have had anxiety issues, my parents have been there for me, I suffered heartbreak from my first love.

In both of these instances where I was at an all-time low, my parents were there for me.

Quite simply, I wouldn’t be the beard I am today if it wasn’t for their love, care and support that they have shown me over the years.

That is priceless and makes me think don’t take anything for granted.

How to manage a lockdown

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media and digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. Brothers, as you know of course, we are in a Coronavirus Pandemic and in a Lockdown too. My Bearded Soldiers, I know this brings it’s challenges, but I am here for you.

My beloved’s this Lockdown maybe a bit inconvenient, but it doesn’t have to be this way. For most of you, you are working from home, not having to wake up an hour earlier than the sane humans. The insanity, is from those who decide to shave their face.

To make sure you do it carefully and properly, it takes 20 minutes of your day, 20 minutes of your day that can be used elsewhere! There’s also not a need to run out of the door and eat your toast whilst starting your journey of being stuck in a traffic jam. If only you just grew a beard!

The only jam, most of you have to deal with, is the stuff you put on your toast. So, with the morning routine done and arriving at work, some of you will start work as per normal. For those who are homeworkers, you won’t have to contend with the morning traffic jam and you can start your day working at your make-shift office.

Working from home is great, toilet isn’t out of order, the canteen is great and there’s no rush hour to contend with when getting back from work. It may seem advantageous, but with us being in a lockdown, a daily schedule could get repetitive.

If you fear this, worry not, your Captain is here! Brothers, first thing that is needed is a good start to the day. how to achieve this , is when you wake up, thank the one who gave you your beard. Clean yourself and your beard!

Your man fur, is your money maker and needs to be cleaned. TLB (Tender love Of Beard) is necessary. I am sure you know that there is Beard Shampoo, which emphasizes the need to care for your beard. Exercise your mind, and your body too.

An active body, can help keep a mind active and healthy too. In these times, a healthy mind is crucial. Look after your beard, comb it and put product on it too. A tidy well kept beard shows discipline and helps you make you more organized. It brings in some law and order.

An unkept and untidy beard, opens up to laziness. Laziness can have the polar opposite effect on a mind, that’s dangerous. Brothers, I have wrote somethings you can do to help you in lockdown, but not in a religious order.

What’s necessary is that you make sure you complete your check list. Comedy videos, embarking on your creative side also can help you too. Brothers, we did in a previous post talk about surviving in lockdown, but I felt the need to remind to just remind myself of a tidy beard.

One reason which made me type this out, was that Father Malik had to address me about a messy beard. Brothers, a tidy beard and physically combing and styling your beard works wonders. Find time for you, and find time for your beard, you will grow grey and old together.

Your friends and family, are being forced to social distance from you, but your beard though? That’s exempt. Remember that brothers your beard will go into isolation with you if need be. That’s true love my Bearded Soldiers, just don’t forget that love your beard will show you, ever.

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Lockdown survival guide

Hello and greeting my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital, and digital broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My beloved’s, I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and looking after your beards too.

Brothers, we are in a lockdown again, as you know and you will also know this is a tough time for many.

But brothers, this is the hand we have been given, and we need to learn to play the game with cards we have been given.

In this piece, what I want to do, is give you lovely souls a basic guide and some steps in how to deal with this Lockdown.

We have had the experience of it before, but this one could be longer, but don’t worry brother’s your Captain is here to steer the ship!

Your Bearded Leader, below shares with you seven ways to get through this Coronavirus;

Keep yourself occupied

Now this maybe simple, maybe even a tad stating the obvious, but it’s so important! When I say keep yourself occupied that doesn’t mean on Facebook all day.

It’s addictive, I understand I get it, but Facebook is good in moderation. Just like with video games they’re not mentally stimulating.

So what I mean is, look to maybe watch a movie, watch some comedies or even watch that box set you have always watched.

Social media, is a very dangerous world if not used correctly. In normal times, you will be going out with your mates, but not now of course.

Do some reading, do some cross words. Train your brain, in times of being lockdown it could really zap your mind.

So just, all in all keep yourself occupied. Why? Just to keep your mind busy, if you make your mind lazy, you will be holding yourself captive to negativity.

Learn a new skill

I am sure, there’s one thing each and everyone have you has dreamt of doing in their life.

For some it maybe singing, even if you sound like a strangled cat. For others it maybe cooking, even if your cooking kills people’s appetite rather than feed it.

Even if you can’t sing like me (even though I have bled many ears trying). Or even if you can’t cook (yes I have got mixed up with salt and sugar).

But in my case I make a mean eggs on toast ;), Michelin’ five star I have you know … not..

This lockdown can be tough, if you let it. There’s no better time, to start writing that book, or learn to play that guitar.

If you do learn to play an instrument or sing like Phoebe from Friends , you might want to give your neighbour some noise cancelling headphones.

In a COVID sensitive way of course. Remember those neighbours, will be in lockdown too, show them so mercy!

I am being, humorous as you can tell . But, now is the time to dust off ambitions and aspirations that you allowed to put a side on the shelf and gather dust.

Rest

This goes with out saying. The need to rest the mind is crucial. To be able to fuel that creativity your mind needs to be fresh.

Mother Captain, always advises seven hours of asleep, but what ever you don’t be asleep till past 10.

She’s a lady who knows a thing or two and she’s not a lady to mess with lol. A fresh body, helps with a fresh mind.

Exercise

To keep your mind active and busy, I advise a good exercise regime. No, I am not advising to do The Great North Run.

What I am saying is, do some exercise consistently in a day. Doesn’t have to be weights, it can be a long power walk or jog.

Exercise of any guide, releases endorphins and this helps create a positive energy within, and stay in shape too!

Bad news, If you love burgers. Yes, I have violated myself there. Maybe you could do some gardening, or even decorating.

You might know the first thing about using the roller or dashing a lick of paint, but you got some free time to now learn!

When it comes to Gardening, I don’t expect you to be Alan Titchmarsh. You will some cutting hedge technology to make gardening a success.

Let’s face it, day time TV is terrible, how many days can you bear to see Bradley Walsh’s face!

It’s keeping you active and can be exercise.

Work on your goals

I am sure, well had some goals, that we didn’t Believe we would achieve. There’s many reasons for whatever did happen, for it to happen.

Guys use this time as you time, it’s a chance to achieve what you wanted to. Dreams aren’t only Do in sleep.

Keep family and friends in your life

Without good friends and family in your life. Life will be that much more tougher. They’re good for support and to help you where no other can.

They will be the unsung hero in this lockdown for sure.

Be charitable

This one might be hard you think due to Covid, but it Doesn’t have to be.

You get many people giving to a homeless person and then upload to Instagram straight after for E-approval, but brothers we’re not like that.

We are used to the approval, we have grown our beards and we get enough stares and glances of admiration.

Giving to others, is of course a good deed, but it helps you be grateful, but it also helps you by making yourself feel better.

People love to feel good about themselves, and what Better way? We can’t forget to mention there are old and vulnerable locked in their homes.

Most people, can walk around in their garden for some exercise and fresh. There are the elderly who are alone and have no one, and can’t go outside to get some air.

We can arrange calls to them via Zoom or Skype for example. A simple act, but something that could go along way.

So my brothers there is my list and ways to survive this lockdown, but what do you think?

Let me know in the comments. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The snacks theory discussed

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, It’s me your Bearded Captain, Leader and flag bearer of all beards of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile..

My bearded beloved’s, I want to discuss an important issue, which is linked to one of the previous blog posts we spoke about.

The second to last blog post, was talking about the issue of having space for dessert. In this blog post, after having the discussion with Mrs Captain, I put it to you lovely folk.

Is snacking (eating walkers crisps for example) possible to do alongside having a mains? So what I mean is this brothers, yours truly loves his food. I know that’s well known, especially how much I harp on about food (Dixy’s to be precise).

So the reason why I put this into this blog post, is because this question and scenario happened today. That made me think, there’s no one better to help me with this one, than my Bearded Soldiers.

Let me know what you think in the comments. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Can’t beat them join them?

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital and broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, (for those of you who are in England in particular) , will be experiencing the snow and bad weather. Brothers, with our beards this is what we have been waiting for all year.

Whereas, the clean shaven will be shivering their naked faces off, we can embrace this cold weather.

In the summer, they mock us and belittle us, but in times like this they feel our pain and in fact jump on the bearded band wagon. Wooly jumpers, thicker pants or t-shirts … one thing we don’t have to worry about brothers is a garment to warm our face.

They will think about shaving their faces, when the weather warms up, but that’s their bad because they will feel the cold twice as bad.

As you wear jumpers and neck warmers, brothers I will say (you’re reading this right) it’s ok to have a messy beard in this period.

Brothers, don’t get over carried away, but when things change … it’s back to normal. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

So, is there always space for dessert?

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearers of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My beloved brothers, I want to and need to talk about an important topic, that’s in turn caused quite a discussion. That brothers,is the issue of “is there always space for dessert?”. In short, yes there is (it’s been scientifically proven).

But with such a debate, the full side of the argument needs to be heard. One side of the argument, is that enjoy your starters and mains, and leave that as that. There’s a time for desserts, but that’s a bit more of on a special occasion.

The other side of the argument, is that a dessert is the perfect was to sign off a delicious meal. For example, you can not go into Nawabs, enjoy their starters and mains, and not sign the meal off with a dessert. That’s the headline performance for the evening (the desserts counter).

I am too full, just doesn’t cut it. If somehow (although it’s in the mindset) you are legitimately too full, then you need to change your strategy. It’s an unwritten rule, you can not have starters and mains only. in many Eastern cultures and traditions, a dessert is always served after dinner time.

The dessert is seen as almost a limb of the dinner, they are connected to each other. As much, as I love desserts, my beards it’s not possible to solely have a dessert mains course. What I mean, is that you have to have a mains course and a dessert, not just the dessert.

As savoury as a dessert is, that’s directing yourself to diabetes avenue if you have a dessert on your own. Brothers, honor your beards, the way they deserve to be honoured. My soldiers, be consistent in your cause for the love of beard.

Brothers, be dedicated in showing good love to the dessert, which includes chocolate cake and all the other cakes out there. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

If she doesn’t do this She’s not for you bro (with a dose of satire)

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile. My brothers, my beloved’s I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and most importantly looking after your beards!

Brothers, as you know we discuss many topics on here, from beards, beard humour, dad jokes, comedy sketches, sports round up and sports satire but today’s issue is slightly different.

Brothers, in this video I want to discuss some criterion you should look for when looking for a partner or even spouse. Long story short, I will also say that, a woman who’s kind, caring, patient and loyal as some of the traits needed for a good woman.

A woman who stands by you grows with you and helps you rise to the top when you were at the bottom, again are all credible things to look for in a woman.

The religious, aspect will say look for four things, (wealthy, beauty, status and religious) I won’t contradict this brothers, but I want to break this down for the beard life aspect. Brothers, a good woman will encourage you to grow your beard.

Some women say they like their men clean-shaven … if you wanted to be with a woman, then be with a woman!

The 21st century is a very accepting world. The dream women will need to inspire you (in your goals), your dreams. She will keep also keep you firm in your quest for chicken excellence.

The wrong women will get you eating beef burgers! …. *takes deep breaths*.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with beef burgers, but the right women will know chicken burgers conquers all!

Thankfully Mrs Captain is now well versed in this regard. She asked, but then knew the answer in this scenario that I will tell you about now.

So, the opportunity arose for me to have chicken for lunch, but it was already agreed as it were that it was chicken for dinner. So I had eggs (part of the chicken) for breakfast, with chicken poppers for lunch and then it was a chicken fillet burger for dinner.

Mrs Captain, understood the value of chicken in my life, must also state that whenever we do go out, she craves Dixy’s mini burgers or KFC.

That’s a keeper right there! As you guys know, I love to be tongue and cheek with my blogs.

Brothers, a good woman is one of the most precious things in life, now also must be stated that you as beard are defined by excellence.

What this means is that, you treat your beards with love, care and patience … a woman needs a similar kind of love. A good woman will see you for your strengths and weaknesses, she will be there in the sunshine and in the rain too.

She will wipe your face down when it’s raining. Brothers, we doing that for our women, it’s natural it’s why we grew the beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.