humour

The Just Trimmed Feeling

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Hello and greetings brothers, here I am this evening talking about the fresh beard trim

 

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I hope you’re looking after yourselves and looking after your most prized possession your beard.

Now, brothers, you have seen that I am a bald-headed bearded man, so I won’t know the fresh trim in terms of hair cut feeling these days, but I sure do know the fresh beard trim feeling. When I could say many moons ago when I did cut my hair, the fresh hair trim feeling gave you a herculean feeling.

To make this relatable to a clean-shaven, I will say you will feel like a Brad Pitt or a George Clooney, when you have just trimmed your hair.

The confidence you get and the way you strut with a purpose, you wouldn’t do that when your back and sides fade has worn off for example.

With a beard, the feeling is the same, well kind of. When you grow a beard, the aim is to make yourself feel good all the time. Well, helping preserve the natural way on your face (letting your beard grow) you’re allowing nature to take its course.

Nature is beautiful in terms of scenery, isn’t it? Whether it be Yorkshire or Dorset for example, scenic beauty is lovely to look at, the same could be said with your beard.

As mentioned in previous posts, a bearded barber is entrusted with the utmost trust, the pledge of looking after and helping one’s beard look a bit sharper after they have been to the beard salon.

In a beard salon, your face won’t go in one of those machines, and you won’t be gossiping about what’s in OK magazine, but rather you will be in the care of a master craftsman.

Wax for the cheeks, cut-throat razor for the cheeks and to tidy up near Adam’s apple.
Not forgetting to mention the scissors, that would be required fo help tame the stray hairs from the side of the face (a consequence of untrimmed beard hair). When your beard is freshly trimmed, you dread walking on a windy day.

After the Bearded Barber, masterfully trimmed and helped shape your beard, the last thing you want is for the blustery conditions to ruin the barber’s hard work.

I am not sure if this just me, but I am reluctant to wear t-shirts, after I have to put my head through the hole, running the risk of messing up your beard in the process.

I wear shirts, when I go to the Bearded Barber, such is the concern that I have with this issue, is this just me?

In the case of when you get a haircut, one goes back to mediocrity. Hairs longer, not as well-trimmed and zap goes that fresh haircut swagger.

That probably explains why the barbers on the curry mile are always busy

When you outgrow your beard trim, a beard doesn’t lose that swagger, because he combs and maintains his beard.

A beard does lose some, but crucially not all. Brothers, the need to look after the beard always gets emphasised when it comes to the new beard. Stay blessed, stay beard – it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The jaw line “beard”

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. It’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My brothers, a beard isn’t just about catchy phrases and slogans.

Brothers, the beard is the uniform to symbolise how awesome and rock& roll we are. We have touched upon it, but in this blog, we will look to go into a bit more detail. My soldiers, I want to talk about the jawline “beard”.

As talked about in our last address, (the last blog) we mentioned that a man with a moustache is still clean-shaven. Just because he has lip fluff, don’t get illusioned. Yes, it’s facial hair but it’s not below the chin, that’s what we’re after here.

In case some think, that’s me giving the approval of the goatee … you’re mistaken. A beard is hair that’s kept under the chin and on the side of your cheeks. Some then might look to find loopholes after reading this, those men my brothers are one’s who have jawlines.

What is a jawline? It’s as literal as it sounds – it’s a line (in this case line of facial hair) across the jawbone. Sounds ok right? Of course, it isn’t .. these men seem to be the kind who clock off work at one minute before shift time and not after.

These men, probably know the complex ways to avoid the legal tax system such is their way of trying to find loopholes. A beard doesn’t require shaving, with a jawline you have to shave even some might say this is a beard.

The one’s who have jawlines and the ones who shave their face to shape their jawlines are essentially like carpenters to their own face or even sculptors. I say this because a sculptor, with precision, makes a shape for his statue and a carpenter – crafts design in wood.

As skilled as both are in their fields, don’t use such skills to your face bearded one. A beard is different and proud. A man with a jawline is like a crossbreed which is similar to that of the case of the two-day stubble, which we have mentioned on previous blogs.
A razor is to be used on your head, and your err herm.

Why in your right mind would you want your face to look like an 800m running track? Facial hair on a man’s face should feel welcomed, rather than a guest who’s not even going to stay for dinner.

A beard isn’t a fashion statement, although your face does look fashionable and $1 million when grown properly. Brothers, some may dismiss it as inconvenience but you really need to have a comb by your side at all times.

They say a cake needs a cherry on top . Your beard brothers is your cherry on top of your face. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Dispelling a myth

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers, good evening it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards.

I pray you’re well and looking after your beards, as well as maintaining them.

My brothers, we have seen, as well as discussed several scenarios and dealt with them along the way.

The Covid-19 issue is ongoing, but as your leader, I have addressed this issue and offered solutions.

The winter beard and summer beard is the further examples of challenges we beards face .

Now, brothers, we know that the clean-shaven “man” is a sworn enemy to the beard. They will try to use many tricks to deceive you.

What about when it gets really hot, like scorching hot (like it’s been for the past three/four days) they will say.

Beards, the beard hasn’t gone and melted in this way weather so why should you get rid of it? Heat doesn’t kill your beard it only enhances it!

In the heat, your beard is like your face sweatband, the same way the head sweatband does its thing.

When there’s sunshine, a clean-shaven face is likely to feel irritation and may even attract a rash.

With a bearded face, this pretty much covers this concern and allays those fears. The clean-shaven, love to use many diversion tactics and excuses.

One of their excuses has been, Captain “you never say anything to the ones who have a moustache only”.

Very well clean-shaven Jessie, in this blog post you will get your wish. Now, the one’s who have a moustache and shave their face .. are still cleanly shaven.

Now, just because they don’t get mentioned by name, don’t think they’re out of the firing line.

They’re the crossbreeds. They try to show that they’re not like clean-shaven because they have facial hair.

No, that’s lip fluff .. a bit of hair you have kept under your lip for god knows what reason.

Nope, you’re not Poirot, Yosemite Sam or Astrix, and even they shouldn’t keep moustaches.

Some keep the moustache and resemble a Mexican drug lord and some look suited to the adult film industry.

When you drink your cup of tea or have a glass of water, it’s like your moustache is too. Now, some smartasses might say but food gets stuck in the beard so what’s your point?

Well with this scenario, you can comb the crumbs out and wash your beard, but you can’t do that with a tash.

Taking of eating, even when you’re eating your food, your lip fluff goes in your mouth too, so it’s like you’re eating your moustache… yuk!

Now, brothers, some try to make their moustaches “fashionable”.

This blog will most certainly upset the Asian uncle and the odd auntie too hehe (you know what I mean) but as Bearded Leader, I preach what needs to be preached.

The clean-shaven will try to brainwash you with the Hugo Boss adverts and the Hugo Boss kind of man (models who are clean-shaven), but don’t be duped we know their game.

Their moustached counterparts looked to have learnt some of their tricks too. In poetic style Asian uncles say in Urdu maybe as an emotional guilt trip tactic.

According to them if you don’t have a moustache you don’t have anything, which is nonsense.

Brothers, a moustache can be grown, but you need your beard too.

The godfather and pinnacle of all beards said: “Grow your beards and trim your moustaches”.

I leave you with that thought. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Dear Jurgen, a letter from The Sports Buff

Dear Jurgen,

Hi, you don’t know me but we need to talk. My name is Ayyaz Malik, Aka The Sports Buff. I am a sports writer and talk about sport too (for those who are kind enough to listen). As a Man United fan, it’s hard to say this, but congratulations on becoming Premier League champions.

Four and a half years ago, many of us United fans were no doubt jealous you chose Anfield over Old Trafford.

Purely from a sporting point of view, the move seems to be justified.

A Club World Cup, Super Cup, Champions League and now Premier League trophy shows you’re a great manager.

You might look like you should have been in the Bee Gees, but football fans make no mistake about it you have achieved greatness.

One of the best teams in the Premier League era, Manchester City were conquered this year with ease.

This is the English Premier League, you will say but the records your Liverpool team have broken speaks volumes in itself.

This isn’t me just being a bitter Manchester United fan here, but I express caution. Look at my team Manchester United.

Their manager from 1986-2013 was Sir Alex Ferguson, arguably one of the greatest, if not greatest club managers in the British game.

Sir Alex was a master of building teams for four, maybe five seasons and then making subtle delicate changes to it.

Jurgen please look at the example of Fergie. If you think this is blatant appraisal of the former United manager, that’s not the case.

Ferguson was the master of being steps ahead of his rivals when his United teams would be crowned champions.

Sir Alex Ferguson, would always be on the prowl for talent that could help better his team for many seasons to come and not just for the short term.

That changed in what would be now known as the last season of his reign.

Where players for the now and future were bought, Robin Van Persie a 29-year old from Arsenal who was in the peak of his years was signed in Sir Alex’s last season, which proved to be a title-winning one.

It was a testament to Ferguson, that he was able to win the League with a squad that was really past its sell-by date in his final year before retiring.

To prove the point I am trying to make, the following season The Red Devils needed two managers to finish the season, and they finished in seventh!

That was seven years ago, and it’s only now that Manchester United are looking in a respectable position of rebuilding.

It took Liverpool 30 years and over £1 billion spent in players transfers, you have done the hard work, as a football fan be smart and invest in playing talent.

Your Liverpool team isn’t getting younger. Jurgen, please don’t make the mistakes that Manchester United did.

If you do, it will be a long wait for title number 20, I don’t think Liverpool fans will have the same patience as they did this time.

Yours sincerely

The sports buff

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

No More years of hurt for Liverpool, praise the Lord!

Being a football fan of England and certain English clubs can be painful. Three Lions on a shirt song, being an Arsenal fan (not talking about myself here) – I think you can see where I am going with this.

With England, we the fans and mainly the “experts”, would bring England up and then knock them down. In recent years, thankfully the powers that be at the top of the game, have been more humble and started from scratch.

A centre of excellence was built and talent was brought through this centre of excellence in Burton. As a result of this, England’s under 17’s and 19’s tasted success on the global stage.

It seemed that process was that stringent of finding young talent, that scouts would be watching kids in the parks almost, when kids go for a kick around.

Watching kids playing in the park is usually a sign for the alarm bells to ring, but if this did happen, thankfully there would be some players who would become young stars for their country.

As a result of that England, in turn, got to the semi-finals of a world cup for the first time since 1990.

They even won a penalty shoot-out in the last world cup, waa hay! O how I cried in France 98 when David Batty missed his spot-kick on that fateful night in St Etienne against Argentina  , thus giving more penalty shootout heartache.

Arsenal, sadly for their fans are still making their team suffer mentally and emotionally. You know Gunners fans, you can stop at this stop and support another team, just think about your mental health, please!

After 16 seasons regularly featuring in the top four and having a monopoly on the FA Cup for a five year period towards the end of Arsene Wenger’s reign, it’s got even worse for Arsenal.

A top-half finish looks an achievement at this rate, thought the George Graham days and Bruce Rioch era was a thing of the past? Obviously not.

Another club that likes to make their fans suffer has been Liverpool. Now, this might be harsh on the face of it, considering that Liverpool have won the Champions League twice in the last 15 seasons along with the Europa League, FA Cup and League Cup.

Everyone knows what the Merseyside club wanted though, and that’s the Premier League trophy. There’s been many near misses.

A “fact rant” by Rafa Benitez who no longer manages in England (fact).

There was a time where Liverpool games replaced bedtime stories. I am convinced this must be true they were that boring.

The Reds in that era under Gerrard Houllier, would without fail, make my brother sleepy whenever he saw them on the TV.

They were dark times, but then Liverpool changed tact and hired an Irish coach who’s team’s played football so joyful to watch on the eye.

Brendan Rodgers was his name, his teams to play attractive football was his game.

With Steven Gerrard as commander and chief on the pitch, along with forwards Louis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge, the then 18-time champions of England Liverpool came within a whisker of winning the title.

You could say, they missed out by the skin of their teeth, sorry Louis that might not have been funny … please don’t bite me! The title seemed in Liverpool’s grasp, but then they would slip up .. watch your self Steve (caution wet floor!)

Mockery was a plenty of that slip, Uruguayan Suarez’s eating habits and Daniel Sturridge’s injury record. A true story, I did see Daniel whilst I was walking – I saw him walking his got.

I must say I have never been so nervous seeing someone walk a dog, as I was convinced he would get injured, such was his injury record at one stage.

Putting the mockery to one side, Liverpool replaced Rodgers with German coach Jurgen Klopp. Former Dortmund manager Klopp had won the Bundesliga twice with Ballspielverein.

Liverpool were hoping the former Mainz manager could help bring what was becoming the increasingly elusive first Premier League trophy.

Careful planning ensued and a loss to Sevilla in the Europa League final and Real Madrid in the Champions League final, were painful but only demonstrated the progress the German manager Klopp was making with The Reds.

Further heartbreak would further occur, this time domestically in the Premier League. Jurgen’s Liverpool last year would painfully lose the Premier League by one point. This was made all the more painful, considering The Anfield side had only lost one game and accumulated 91 points!

This season, Liverpool seemed in no mood to mess around. The 3-1 win against Manchester City, was a signal of their intent. The Citizens who fought back last year to win the title from Liverpool’s grasp, by their high standards were poor this year.

Defeats to Manchester United (twice), Norwich and Wolves twice only emphasizes my point. Liverpool it is then who are Premier League champions after 30 years. Congrats to Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool for their title win

Woolworths, Blockbuster, BHS and petrol for under £1 were the things of those days. A lot has changed since then, (as none of those now remain).

Football can breathe a sigh of relief, we don’t have to hear “this is our year”. Thankfully one of those years has been their year. Now here’s to hoping England win the world cup, so we don’t have to keep hearing “we won it 66”.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Timo Werner; an Asian Love Story

Chelsea have signed Germany forward Timo Werner from RB Leipzig in a deal that could total £102.5 million over five years. The Blues, managed to beat Premier League leaders Liverpool to the former Stuttgart strikers signature.

The whole process of the German players signing has an element of an Asian wedding to it, I will explain.

So for the Asian readers amongst you, you’re all too aware of the process of an Asian marriage and the whole process of getting married.

In non-Asian tradition stereo typically, it’s boy sees girl, they date for a certain amount of time he ponders when and where to propose and when she says yes, they all live happily after, the end.

Now with an Asian marriage, it’s parents meet parents they talk and try and thrash out a deal like they’re in a G20 summit and after intense detailed and at times top secret talks, “a deal” ( of marriage) is agreed.

In those talks and negotiations, gifts between the two families and the price of the wedding and the cost of the hall is discussed.

There have been instances after initially looking set for marriage, the discussions end due to disagreements about the costs of the wedding and the gifts that certain family members get during the wedding.

I liken the Timo Werner transfer to Chelsea , to that of an Asian marriage.

Before Chelsea came in for the German, Liverpool were said to strongly be looking to sign Werner. In terms of the Asian scenario of this story, Liverpool are the groom (ready to agree the money side to get their bride for marriage).

Timo Werner and RB Leipzig are the bride and the bride’s family. The 24-year old Werner after looking to get married into the Liverpool household, saw the marriage break off due to money.

Liverpool’s family (the management/hierarchy) didn’t want to pay too much of a dowry and in all honesty wanted to treat Werner as only the fourth best daughter in-law behind Mo Salah, Roberto Firmino and Sadio Mane.

The “groom’s family” (Liverpool hierarchy) didn’t fancy paying the excessive wedding costs (£102.5 million in total after five years).

Heart broken both Timo and RB Leipzig wanted their special wedding and felt the right suitor will pay whatever the cost to give them that special day.

But most importantly Timo wanted be made to feel like the number one “daughter in-law”.

With Timo Werner looking an attractive proposition, a new suitor came into the picture and they were Chelsea.

Chelsea too had their heart broken after Dries Mertens refused to leave long term partner Napoli. Both Werner and West Londoners Chelsea were looking for the dream match.

When Chelsea’s father Roman Abramovich came in with a “dowry” that both bride and bride’s family couldn’t say no to, thus became the start of a marriage between Timo Werner and Chelsea .

After The Blues’ recent record of signing strikers, they will hope that German Werner succeeds where Sturridge, Torres and Morata failed.

In Asian weddings especially if the marriage doesn’t work, the divorce always gets a bit messy and no one wants a messy divorce do they?

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Mental health awareness

Hello and greeting my bearded soldiers, good morning from The Bearded Captain. On a bright sunny morning, here in “MAN”chester (we beards do put the MAN, into Manchester) – I want to address an issue that some might not give the full value of the worth of it being mentioned.

That my bearded brothers is that of mental health. Although, I am no expert (far from it) I want to mention this topic because it most certainly needs a mention. Some, see it as an illness, others may not.

Maybe because mental health, isn’t necessarily a physical condition, where the effects are visible on the outside like other illnesses, but it’s still a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion time and does need to be discussed.

My bearded brother, I know being a beard, might make you feel infallible, but my brother it’s real.

Here, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to carry the work on raising awareness for #mentalhealth like I have been doing already.

Through social media, my vlog which can be found here https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/        

This showcases the many times, I am trying to use my style of comedy for positive

affects. I intend to be an ambassador of mental health issues on this site.

The aim is not to shove this down people’s throats or be so direct about it if you like. But what we want to do, is keep working on a positive mind. Comedy is one of the best ways to do this.

Laughter is the best medicine, they say, this will always be the case I feel. This is an ongoing project brother’s. We will discuss this in the future in more detail, but brothers to help propel the message of beard, I will need your support and that will include financially.

For now, I ask you all kindly, to like and share my articles in the future, as well as my video uploads. Brothers, together we are stronger and together we will hit #mentalhealth for six!

It’s over and out from The Captain … stay blessed stay beard!

The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.