humour

Dear Jurgen, a letter from The Sports Buff

Dear Jurgen,

Hi, you don’t know me but we need to talk. My name is Ayyaz Malik, Aka The Sports Buff. I am a sports writer and talk about sport too (for those who are kind enough to listen). As a Man United fan, it’s hard to say this, but congratulations on becoming Premier League champions.

Four and a half years ago, many of us United fans were no doubt jealous you chose Anfield over Old Trafford.

Purely from a sporting point of view, the move seems to be justified.

A Club World Cup, Super Cup, Champions League and now Premier League trophy shows you’re a great manager.

You might look like you should have been in the Bee Gees, but football fans make no mistake about it you have achieved greatness.

One of the best teams in the Premier League era, Manchester City were conquered this year with ease.

This is the English Premier League, you will say but the records your Liverpool team have broken speaks volumes in itself.

This isn’t me just being a bitter Manchester United fan here, but I express caution. Look at my team Manchester United.

Their manager from 1986-2013 was Sir Alex Ferguson, arguably one of the greatest, if not greatest club managers in the British game.

Sir Alex was a master of building teams for four, maybe five seasons and then making subtle delicate changes to it.

Jurgen please look at the example of Fergie. If you think this is blatant appraisal of the former United manager, that’s not the case.

Ferguson was the master of being steps ahead of his rivals when his United teams would be crowned champions.

Sir Alex Ferguson, would always be on the prowl for talent that could help better his team for many seasons to come and not just for the short term.

That changed in what would be now known as the last season of his reign.

Where players for the now and future were bought, Robin Van Persie a 29-year old from Arsenal who was in the peak of his years was signed in Sir Alex’s last season, which proved to be a title-winning one.

It was a testament to Ferguson, that he was able to win the League with a squad that was really past its sell-by date in his final year before retiring.

To prove the point I am trying to make, the following season The Red Devils needed two managers to finish the season, and they finished in seventh!

That was seven years ago, and it’s only now that Manchester United are looking in a respectable position of rebuilding.

It took Liverpool 30 years and over £1 billion spent in players transfers, you have done the hard work, as a football fan be smart and invest in playing talent.

Your Liverpool team isn’t getting younger. Jurgen, please don’t make the mistakes that Manchester United did.

If you do, it will be a long wait for title number 20, I don’t think Liverpool fans will have the same patience as they did this time.

Yours sincerely

The sports buff

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

No More years of hurt for Liverpool, praise the Lord!

Being a football fan of England and certain English clubs can be painful. Three Lions on a shirt song, being an Arsenal fan (not talking about myself here) – I think you can see where I am going with this.

With England, we the fans and mainly the “experts”, would bring England up and then knock them down. In recent years, thankfully the powers that be at the top of the game, have been more humble and started from scratch.

A centre of excellence was built and talent was brought through this centre of excellence in Burton. As a result of this, England’s under 17’s and 19’s tasted success on the global stage.

It seemed that process was that stringent of finding young talent, that scouts would be watching kids in the parks almost, when kids go for a kick around.

Watching kids playing in the park is usually a sign for the alarm bells to ring, but if this did happen, thankfully there would be some players who would become young stars for their country.

As a result of that England, in turn, got to the semi-finals of a world cup for the first time since 1990.

They even won a penalty shoot-out in the last world cup, waa hay! O how I cried in France 98 when David Batty missed his spot-kick on that fateful night in St Etienne against Argentina  , thus giving more penalty shootout heartache.

Arsenal, sadly for their fans are still making their team suffer mentally and emotionally. You know Gunners fans, you can stop at this stop and support another team, just think about your mental health, please!

After 16 seasons regularly featuring in the top four and having a monopoly on the FA Cup for a five year period towards the end of Arsene Wenger’s reign, it’s got even worse for Arsenal.

A top-half finish looks an achievement at this rate, thought the George Graham days and Bruce Rioch era was a thing of the past? Obviously not.

Another club that likes to make their fans suffer has been Liverpool. Now, this might be harsh on the face of it, considering that Liverpool have won the Champions League twice in the last 15 seasons along with the Europa League, FA Cup and League Cup.

Everyone knows what the Merseyside club wanted though, and that’s the Premier League trophy. There’s been many near misses.

A “fact rant” by Rafa Benitez who no longer manages in England (fact).

There was a time where Liverpool games replaced bedtime stories. I am convinced this must be true they were that boring.

The Reds in that era under Gerrard Houllier, would without fail, make my brother sleepy whenever he saw them on the TV.

They were dark times, but then Liverpool changed tact and hired an Irish coach who’s team’s played football so joyful to watch on the eye.

Brendan Rodgers was his name, his teams to play attractive football was his game.

With Steven Gerrard as commander and chief on the pitch, along with forwards Louis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge, the then 18-time champions of England Liverpool came within a whisker of winning the title.

You could say, they missed out by the skin of their teeth, sorry Louis that might not have been funny … please don’t bite me! The title seemed in Liverpool’s grasp, but then they would slip up .. watch your self Steve (caution wet floor!)

Mockery was a plenty of that slip, Uruguayan Suarez’s eating habits and Daniel Sturridge’s injury record. A true story, I did see Daniel whilst I was walking – I saw him walking his got.

I must say I have never been so nervous seeing someone walk a dog, as I was convinced he would get injured, such was his injury record at one stage.

Putting the mockery to one side, Liverpool replaced Rodgers with German coach Jurgen Klopp. Former Dortmund manager Klopp had won the Bundesliga twice with Ballspielverein.

Liverpool were hoping the former Mainz manager could help bring what was becoming the increasingly elusive first Premier League trophy.

Careful planning ensued and a loss to Sevilla in the Europa League final and Real Madrid in the Champions League final, were painful but only demonstrated the progress the German manager Klopp was making with The Reds.

Further heartbreak would further occur, this time domestically in the Premier League. Jurgen’s Liverpool last year would painfully lose the Premier League by one point. This was made all the more painful, considering The Anfield side had only lost one game and accumulated 91 points!

This season, Liverpool seemed in no mood to mess around. The 3-1 win against Manchester City, was a signal of their intent. The Citizens who fought back last year to win the title from Liverpool’s grasp, by their high standards were poor this year.

Defeats to Manchester United (twice), Norwich and Wolves twice only emphasizes my point. Liverpool it is then who are Premier League champions after 30 years. Congrats to Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool for their title win

Woolworths, Blockbuster, BHS and petrol for under £1 were the things of those days. A lot has changed since then, (as none of those now remain).

Football can breathe a sigh of relief, we don’t have to hear “this is our year”. Thankfully one of those years has been their year. Now here’s to hoping England win the world cup, so we don’t have to keep hearing “we won it 66”.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

A Father’s day message from The Bearded Captain

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital broadcast media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, there has been some good news in recent weeks after weeks of trauma.

First, as you would have read in the last blog post, my beard is growing back! Waaa hay, rejoice brothers!

The second bit of good news is that after over 100 days of it not being on our screens, football is back! I mention these two topics because they’re manly topics and men are fathers.

Now, I am not a relationship expert or anything of the sorts, but I don’t understand the rhetoric “happy fathers day to my mum”.

This usually comes on the back of a single mum raising a child for most of their lives.

It’s very admirable indeed, but no matter how incompetent a father is, he will always be the father of that child.

Now to lighten the mood a bit, in The Bearded Captain style. Brothers, at the time of writing, no doubt most of you would have got your gifts.

Depending on your children, it’s no doubt the Lynx Africa gift set or an aftershave of some kind.

There might be some really troubled kids amongst the ranks who gave their fathers a Gillette shaving set.

My brothers, I sincerely hope your kids don’t get raised to have such an ideology. Father Malik (The Bearded General) would get aftershaves I must admit, but as a side note he would end up growing a beard after me and my twin beard.

But when he did grow it, he grew it magnificently. Well combed, groomed, tidy and always smelling/looking immaculate.

My brothers, father’s day is about celebrating your manliness and being a good parent for your kids.

With that said, how can a clean-shaven “man” with a straight face collect it’s father’s day present (see what I did there).

Father’s are men, men grow beards and only shave their head, and err herm .. most men don’t shave their legs – I don’t shave them .. they’re fine the way they are!

Clean-shaven “men”, Mothers day was a few months ago, if you really wanted a gift you should have asked for one with the womenfolk!

I am thinking as I type this maybe, the clean-shaven should have a day dedicated to them called Shudders day.

With a face that’s beardless, one will naturally shudder, but then it hit me, they have this every day (till those misguided “men” get guided and grow a beard).

So Shudders day is every, every day that you see one of those misguided lot.

Being a father is showing your kids you’re the head of the house .. the Alpha male.

The Alpha male, leads the way because he looks good, smells good, speaks good and is the model example of how a man should be to his kids and his wife.

Brothers let me put it this way, be the man that you want your sons to be, they will look at what’s closest to them.

If it’s good, you will see a young prince – but be bad and you will see a young chav.

The last note, before I love you and leave you is this.

Father’s day isn’t about a gift set from Superdrug, Tesco’s and the like, (this to the kids here) it’s about being good to the man who put you on this earth.

This can’t be appreciated in just one day, it needs appreciation every day. In the life of beard, Father’s day is every day.

Brothers raise your youth to want to grow the beard and then make sure they act out the commands of beard.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed and stay beard!

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Timo Werner; an Asian Love Story

Chelsea have signed Germany forward Timo Werner from RB Leipzig in a deal that could total £102.5 million over five years. The Blues, managed to beat Premier League leaders Liverpool to the former Stuttgart strikers signature.

The whole process of the German players signing has an element of an Asian wedding to it, I will explain.

So for the Asian readers amongst you, you’re all too aware of the process of an Asian marriage and the whole process of getting married.

In non-Asian tradition stereo typically, it’s boy sees girl, they date for a certain amount of time he ponders when and where to propose and when she says yes, they all live happily after, the end.

Now with an Asian marriage, it’s parents meet parents they talk and try and thrash out a deal like they’re in a G20 summit and after intense detailed and at times top secret talks, “a deal” ( of marriage) is agreed.

In those talks and negotiations, gifts between the two families and the price of the wedding and the cost of the hall is discussed.

There have been instances after initially looking set for marriage, the discussions end due to disagreements about the costs of the wedding and the gifts that certain family members get during the wedding.

I liken the Timo Werner transfer to Chelsea , to that of an Asian marriage.

Before Chelsea came in for the German, Liverpool were said to strongly be looking to sign Werner. In terms of the Asian scenario of this story, Liverpool are the groom (ready to agree the money side to get their bride for marriage).

Timo Werner and RB Leipzig are the bride and the bride’s family. The 24-year old Werner after looking to get married into the Liverpool household, saw the marriage break off due to money.

Liverpool’s family (the management/hierarchy) didn’t want to pay too much of a dowry and in all honesty wanted to treat Werner as only the fourth best daughter in-law behind Mo Salah, Roberto Firmino and Sadio Mane.

The “groom’s family” (Liverpool hierarchy) didn’t fancy paying the excessive wedding costs (£102.5 million in total after five years).

Heart broken both Timo and RB Leipzig wanted their special wedding and felt the right suitor will pay whatever the cost to give them that special day.

But most importantly Timo wanted be made to feel like the number one “daughter in-law”.

With Timo Werner looking an attractive proposition, a new suitor came into the picture and they were Chelsea.

Chelsea too had their heart broken after Dries Mertens refused to leave long term partner Napoli. Both Werner and West Londoners Chelsea were looking for the dream match.

When Chelsea’s father Roman Abramovich came in with a “dowry” that both bride and bride’s family couldn’t say no to, thus became the start of a marriage between Timo Werner and Chelsea .

After The Blues’ recent record of signing strikers, they will hope that German Werner succeeds where Sturridge, Torres and Morata failed.

In Asian weddings especially if the marriage doesn’t work, the divorce always gets a bit messy and no one wants a messy divorce do they?

How to manage the morning beard

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, my bearded brothers … it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. As your bearded leader, It’s brought me nothing but joy.

There have been some challenges (the summer beard problem and the winter beard problem ). With those two scenarios, I .. your Bearded Leader have had to deal with a dramatic increase and decrease of numbers.

My brothers, as we have started this journey, some of you might have been sold the idea that beard life is a bed full of roses. Brothers this is still the case, but what I really don’t want to happen is to you all fall under a sense of illusion.

Life is a bed full of roses if you allow it to be. What I mean is that, when challenges like the winter or summer beard come up, just relax, take a deep breath and comb your beard. With that cleared up brothers, I will talk about today’s topic- The Morning Beard.

Now, for those of you who are bald (like me) you won’t be able to relate to the morning hair scenario. Once upon a time, you might have and there could have been a time, where you woke up in the morning and some of your hair is going East and the other part West.

Or, it could be that it looks like you have been electrocuted, with the other possibility being that a cow had licked your hair. Whatever the reason for hair being so messy in the morning, people find a solution.

With a beard, there is the same issue. Brothers how many times do you wake up in the morning to find that your beard is all over the place!? No doubt before you go to bed, you wash your face, brush your teeth and beard.

As your beard is nice, straight and soft flowing like magic- you then go to sleep. There is always a need to rest, mind, body, soul and beard. Your man fur is magnificent, it needs to recharge and rest too.

When you wake up, however, you have issues to contend with such as morning breath, but at times the saliva and that breath can get on your beard too. Brothers, so not only have you got a messy beard that looks like your face has had an electric shock but also your face smells like it’s been down a sewer, yuk indeed.

The solution is simple. Brothers, what you need to do is make sure you have your beards close. What do we say? Keep your enemies closes, but your beard combs closer. The Captain says this, even sleep with your combs in your pocket.

Hold up, I said go to sleep, whilst the comb is in your pocket, not sleep with your comb. I know there’s loving your comb, but that’s a bit too much loving.

So brothers, once you have given your beard a comb down, you need to go to the bathroom and give your man fur a good wash with fragranced soap.

After you have done that, you jump into the shower and give your beard some good TLB (Tender Loving Of Beard). Your beard is your money maker.

Once you have come out of the shower, make sure that beard is nice, fresh, shiny and gleaming!

Brothers just like your body, make that beard smell like $1 million too.

Here brothers, I hopefully offer a different insight into the morning beard; https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uncategorized/how-to-deal-with-morning-beard/

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Mental health awareness

Hello and greeting my bearded soldiers, good morning from The Bearded Captain. On a bright sunny morning, here in “MAN”chester (we beards do put the MAN, into Manchester) – I want to address an issue that some might not give the full value of the worth of it being mentioned.

That my bearded brothers is that of mental health. Although, I am no expert (far from it) I want to mention this topic because it most certainly needs a mention. Some, see it as an illness, others may not.

Maybe because mental health, isn’t necessarily a physical condition, where the effects are visible on the outside like other illnesses, but it’s still a topic that doesn’t get enough discussion time and does need to be discussed.

My bearded brother, I know being a beard, might make you feel infallible, but my brother it’s real.

Here, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to carry the work on raising awareness for #mentalhealth like I have been doing already.

Through social media, my vlog which can be found here https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/        

This showcases the many times, I am trying to use my style of comedy for positive

affects. I intend to be an ambassador of mental health issues on this site.

The aim is not to shove this down people’s throats or be so direct about it if you like. But what we want to do, is keep working on a positive mind. Comedy is one of the best ways to do this.

Laughter is the best medicine, they say, this will always be the case I feel. This is an ongoing project brother’s. We will discuss this in the future in more detail, but brothers to help propel the message of beard, I will need your support and that will include financially.

For now, I ask you all kindly, to like and share my articles in the future, as well as my video uploads. Brothers, together we are stronger and together we will hit #mentalhealth for six!

It’s over and out from The Captain … stay blessed stay beard!

The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Weddings; Asian vs Non Asian

Hello, and greetings, my bearded soldiers – it’s your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media, here with another topic that needs some discussion.

My Bearded Brothers, after the kind feedback of yesterday’s piece on family gatherings, I want to talk about the wedding ceremonies; Asian vs Non-Asian.

After reading my previous blogs and listening to my previous blogs on the subject of Asian’s, you will get where I am going with this lol.

Now, for the non-Asian, they find it hard to fathom that anyone would marry their cousin. If you ask most of the UK, they would say that is something the people of Norfolk do, but this is something they could never imagine doing themselves (marrying their cousin).

To stereotype here … massively, non-Asian’s would usually find a boyfriend/girlfriend and be in a relationship for five/six years and then find the most cliche place to propose. Some proposals are quite romantic don’t get me wrong.

In the world of an Asian, some do marry their boyfriend/girlfriend (but don’t tell their parents that, otherwise it would be the Mcchappal meal if you know what I mean). In that case, usually, a conversation follows like this;

Mum; if you find a girl you want to marry, tell me first.
The boy; err since you mentioned it, mum, there’s a girl…

*Famous last words, then flight, to Pakistan gets swiftly booked and he’s not seen for a few years. The boy duly comes back to the UK with a Pakistani wife and two kids!*

Back to the story though. When the boy usually says that, a frosty response is followed by the mum, the boy would say something like “we met at Uni and she is really nice”. A marriage will follow, but this is where the real work begins.

The Asian boyfriend and girlfriend, who kept meeting at the library for “studying”, after having overcome the secrecy of keeping their relationship alive, now enter the politics of marriage …. (more on that later).

The boy finding his own marriage partner can cause a war more deadly then any that history has ever known. Vietnam, World War one and two were brutal … but challenging an Asian mum on wedding partner, na nothing beats that.

There is the alternative marriage method in the Asian household, the arranged marriage. This was something I did when I was married, but yes I had a say in it and yes I met her beforehand.

A colleague asked me, do you meet your wife beforehand? Is this done against your will and you have no say in it?

Sensing the chance to troll, I said well, it’s like The Voice … a series of women come into the room, but I face the other way and when I hear the voice of a lady and I like it, I turn my chair around and wala this lady is now my wife.

My colleague believed me and that tipped me over into laughter!
So after agreeing to the marriage, then comes the deal or no deal part as I call it or the Dragon’s Den part- the negotiation.

Now in a non-Asian wedding, they usually do it in the church and invite close friends and family. They have food, get leathered, have a sing-song maybe, the bride throws bouquet then they go in their wedding car and into the sunset.

If only it was like that in an Asian wedding. Remember me mentioning the about the politics side of the Asian wedding? Yeah, well that’s the bit where such and such needs to get invited coz they invited us.

Now that sounds, kind I think, invite someone to your family wedding, coz they invited you to theirs, but no all is not what it seems. This is money based … they invited us to their family wedding we gave £50, now if we invite them and they don’t give £50, they’re not coming to our other son’s wedding.

Then you have to consider what about inviting this person? If we don’t invite them, it’s gonna be awkward. This person in the scenario when it came to me, was someone I had no idea who they were.

I remember, it like yesterday mum brings the book to me. I was thinking mum is this my life? It wasn’t, it was the list of people in a book, who attended my sister’s wedding.

Everyone from that list was under review (bar family of course), my mum went through that list one by one, to see if they would be attending my wedding.

I kid you not, I said I want 200/300 people to my wedding tops, but it should be lower. Guess how many people came? 600!

So an over-inflated guess list now needs an over-inflated venue and menu to match.

Thankfully my parents were and still are savy with and their money and had been saving up for this probably since I was born, but not all families can do this.

Some families get into serious debt paying for something they just can’t afford, but what will people say if we only get married in a mosque? This is the rhetoric that takes over the Asian mind.

O, I didn’t mention obviously after the marriage is agreed the engagement is usually eight months. I am not sure if that’s the families way of saying;

“Are you sure, you want to do this, think about it here’s an eight-month cooling off period. Do you want to give up your freedom”?

So, if both families agree to still go ahead with the wedding, then the jewellery needs to be arranged. How much gold to give to the mother-in-law and the sisters-in-law and to the this relation and that relation.

The amount of gold jewellery present on the wedding day, on the bride and all the women alike, 50 Cent would be left Jealous.

Then there’s the hired cars and designer suits that cost close to a month’s wages. The cars that would be on show are the ones the boys would have posters up of.
Maybe for one day, they can escape the reality of owning a 1.3 litre Nisan Micra.

Now we go inside the wedding hall that the Asian paid an arm and leg for. Over the top decor, such as gold chandeliers and decorative dressings to name some.
Remember me mention about the family gathering food? Well yeah, it’s not too dissimilar to food made at home.

Granted, these wedding/banquet halls maybe professionals at food prep but the food is not too dissimilar.Maybe there’s more food than that of a family gathering.

Staters of kebabs, fish and chicken tikka pieces are usually the same in all weddings.
Mains of boneless chicken, lamb and vegetable curry also is the same, alongside a choice of rice or naan pretty much is the same too.

Where there is a difference from wedding to wedding is the sweet food (Indian sweets) It’s still diabetes waiting to happen for sure.

So after all these wedding rituals are done, remember this is just the start! As there are another three days of this concerted effort for a wedding at least!
It’s times like this, I wish I wasn’t Asian… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

Family gatherings; Asian vs Non-Asian

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media. I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves. My bearded beloved’s, I am here this evening to address you lovely souls.

Brothers, I hope you’re surviving in these tough times, times where you can’t fully maintain your beards (give them a trim). Brothers … this is times of lockdown, brother beard it’s binding upon you to learn skills.

Skills, such as may be cooking, going some way to achieving your goals. I am a beard who tries to lead by example. So, alhamdulillah I have learnt to make toffee crisp, kinder Bueno and Aero milkshake.

On top of that, I have learnt how to make kebabs and to prepare chicken .. before the lockdown I wouldn’t have had a clue how to do any of that. I am fortunate to be able to say, I have done this, as well as working on improving this project (The Bearded Captain).

Without too much further ado, I want to talk about today’s topic … Family gatherings Asian’s vs Non-Asian’s.

We have touched upon this in a previous post, but there are some specifics I want to mention here.

In an Asian household, if there’s for an example a family dinner on Saturday 16th May, us Asians, would probably get ready for it two weeks before. Now, in an Asian household, it’s not just the food they look out for when hosting a dinner party , the house gets attention too.

Any slight imperfections in the bathroom, the whole house gets the DIY SOS treatment. Mr Nick Knowles, if you think your programme is going stale, then search the “Asian yellow pages” (directory to find the places where Asian’s are many).

That would keep your programme going for many years to come. Now, if the bathroom isn’t quite eye blindingly gleaming, then this isn’t good enough because what will the guest’s thing about a room that’s only used for necessity rather than convenience like the living room.

As I am Asian of course, I can’t say for sure, but this doesn’t strike something a non-Asian would pay so much attention to detail too. A non-Asian might have a certain amount of cousins extended family but in an Asian household … well.

An extended family usually means, cousins, cousins’ sister’s wife’s brothers daughters son. If you understood that great! Because I don’t quite understand for family dinners how the Asian family tree increases at such a rate.

I am convinced sometimes, these lady and gents are Bollywood extras, hired just to make the party look that more well attended. Great for Aunties chit chat and showboating .. to show how well the gathering has been attended of course.

In a non-Asian household, I am sure they clean their house well and proper, but in an Asian household, we clean the house expecting the food standards agency to show up at any minute.

Now for the food itself, as previously mentioned in an Asian household, for family gatherings is five-star  Michelin quality.

Non-Asian household food for family gatherings, barely “tickles the surface”. A £1 bag of cheese and onion crisps served on a plate for 10 people is cute, but if you’re like me .. I can wolf that down by myself in 10 minutes.

If that doesn’t fill you up, what about the tuna triangle cut sandwiches accompanied by slices of quiche and some slices of pizza.

Good finger food there, some may say, but if you want a banquet  and not have the felling of what’s for dinner afterwards, then  take a deep breath  and let me just roll out the food menu at an Asian family gathering.

Chicken pieces, chicken roast, kebabs samosas, fish and lamb chops – that’s just the starters! Then we move on to our mains, there we have brown rice with the options of curry’s.

Vegetable curry (for the psychopaths), boneless chicken mixed in spinach (my favourite) or lamb curry. Reading this you’re probably getting hungry, then full right? There’s more, a mention needs to be made about naan or chapati as an alternative to rice.

As you can see the main’s and starters are filled with grease oil, enough oil to probably supply Saudi and the other Middle Eastern/Arab states, but don’t tell Donald!

If you manage to conquer the man versus food challenge that is an Asian food menu filled with oil and grease, then brace yourselves for the dessert. This is usually an Indian sweet dish or for the real posh Asian’s amongst the masses, there’s ice cream or chocolate cake!

The guests act shocked in an Asian household that dessert is coming, and make a tongue and cheek comment of “you have made so much, and you’ve made dessert too”, even though they knew it was coming (deep down)

The chocolate cake, the ice cream or even the Indian sweets that’s dripped in syrup, is usually diabetes in a plate.

In a non-Asian household, they probably would have a dessert of that nature too (Ice cream or cake).

Refreshments wise, in a non-Muslim non-Asian household, they would have wine or beer. As for Asian’s they have Pepsi, coke or even Rubicon Mango, who my friend swears blindly is an alcoholic drink (don’t ask).

Pepsi and coke may seem like harmless drinks, but how giddy and boisterous the Uncle’s get after dinner, you question that rhetoric and think water would have sufficed for them, especially with the drive back home to consider.

So the dinner is done, and for the non-asian household it’s 10 plates and side plates to clean and that’s the party done and dusted. If it only it was like that in an Asian household.

The night after calling over 100 people for dinner (half of the relatives probably forging their relative status to you), the time for the clean down missions begins. Bathrooms, kitchen, garage (even though no one went in there) must be cleaned spotless.

The front room, dining room and lobby need to be given a makeover too, a makeover that would make the team at Homes Under The Hammer lost for words.

Into the night this intense cleaning operation would go into and at the end of it, you would be left with leftover food that could feed Manchester for a week, but your own household for two weeks! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.