satire

When you know it’s winter (satire)

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your beards. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue. My Soldiers, I spoke about when you know it’s summer in my previous blog post, in this blog post I want to share with you some signs when it’s winter.

Stating the obvious, it’s when your heating in your house in on full blast almost constantly. Yeah, that’s an obvious, but what about when you have to put those three quarter shorts to the bottom of the clothes pile and the-shirts too. The long Johns that weren’t mentioned in the summer, they’re on the tips of everyone’s lips.

With the case of the long Johns, you can say the only John that get’s mentioned in summer is our Pappa John, the pizza place. Are you coffee or a tea lover? Well, you will know it’s winter better than most, because you will crave that warm beverage even more. In the summer and when it’s hot you will not really feel the need to have coffee that many times in the day, if not at all.

Keeping it consumption based, what you feel with teas and coffee in the summer, you will tend to feel the same in winter too. When it’s cold all you want is hot food and when it’s summer you don’t.

I am not sure if this next example is just me, but you will know when winter is here when you wear a t-shirt you will feel a cold sensation not like freezing freezing cold but a cold you will only realise was there when you put your jumper on. In the summer, you will struggle to sleep due to hot and humid weather.

You will toss, turn and wrestle with the duvet, not being able to sleep with it off your body, but not being able to sleep with it on. In the winter? No such worries, initially there will be a period where your feet and part of your body will be like snow block almost, but when you sleep you sleep like a baby.

In the summer, where people are happy glowing and beaming, people are the opposite in winter maybe because it’s freezing and sunsets in the mid afternoon! I remember this with me. I went to work in darkness and came back home … in darkness! That’s enough to break a man.

Do you remember we mentioned about the ice cream man? Well the only ice cream man you get in winter is a male shrieking in a high voice (yeah that’s a dad joke). In the summer and with the weather being hot, you just want to sit in the shower days on end to cool down, in the winter?

Once you shake off the reluctance to go into to the shower due to it being freezing …. you don’t want to get out as you’re under a nice warm shower. I guess nothing changes there then. Last but not least in my opinion, when you know it’s winter time is when you see more men with beards, which is obviously to keep their face warm.

On that note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The signs of the summer (satire)

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bear of beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Brothers, I pray you’re well and I pray you’re looking after your beards! My bearded beloved’s, I want to talk about an important issue, the issue of when you know it’s summer.

Now to sate the obvious, you know it’s summer when you look outside, see the sun in the sky and there’s no need to wear a coat.

In the winter, the woolly hats and neck warmers are dusted off but when summer comes, back to the bottom of the draw it goes.

My dear brothers, I want to talk about some subtle signs of when you know it’s summer time.

The first thing that comes to mind for me, is when you hear the melody tune coming from far far away, that sound usually means one thing … an ice cream van! In the winter, they seem like they go into hibernation.

When you sense the temperature outside reaches double figures, rest assured you will hear the melody tune and an engine roaring in the sunset coming into the sun, you will know it’s an ice cream van looking for kids who want ice cream.

I am not talking about, in the back of the van stuff there, just thought I would clarify.

Other signs of the summer is you will see people more happy. Obviously when it’s Christmas time, everyone is beaming on the outside and in, but when it’s summer time .. the happiness is different, it just is.

Men, will be walking around with their t-shirts off and bare chested, sorry let me correct that comment, it usually tends to be the boys who go topless when the temperature reaches double figures.

The men from Newcastle, aren’t afraid to take their shirt off even when it’s minus temperature!

Stating the obvious, with this next example, but people tend to dust off the sunglasses in the summer time.

There’s only one person, who truly rocks the sunglasses and that’s the Phons in Happy Days. No one and I mean no one makes sunglasses look good quite like he does, Hey! *in Phonsy voice*

True story, I realised the wife of a TV presenter, came to my dad’s shop and in the winter I saw her and he daughter with sunglasses on and yes it looked really weird. Summer won’t be summer, if you don’t bring out the shorts from the bottom depths of the wardrobe.

In the winter, legs are locked up till lunch! In the summer, those bad boys are whipped out for the world to see.

Fellas, just make sure those legs aren’t crusty or even skinny! If you’re bringing those legs out of the wilderness, no one wants to see crusty legs or skinny ones.

Images like those scar the average man for years on end. My sister, my God haver mercy on her soul, would tease my by saying I had ‘lady legs’.

Fellas, if your leg game isn’t up to it, hit the gym and don’t skip leg day! Not chicken leg day, no I mean the quads, hamstrings, calves and quads need working.

Last but not least, in my opinion one of the signs that tells you it’s summer time is when fizzy drinks go in the freezer.

Brothers, don’t do what I did and leave it in the freezer for too long, because you would be greeted with an ice explosion and burst plastic bottle with unprecedented amount of ice everywhere.

Entering that scene, you would have thought it was part of the Antarctic, but no it was just my kitchen!

On that note brothers, there is a list of the signs of when you know it’s summer time. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Just don’t be one of those people

Hello and good evening, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile. Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue, it’s the topic of not being one of those people.

There’s always one, the odd one out. People who don’t spell their name right. “Hanna’, I am talking to you here and ‘Stephen’, yeah this is aimed at you. But brothers, what I am referring to here is the people who wear shorts in -2 degrees temperature or in any weather for that matter.

Dude, what’s wrong with you? Do you want Pneumonia? I am sorry, but I am gonna be blunt here, that’s like one of the hookers on a cold night. No matter the weather, she will always have the short skirt on, which is just weird, don’t be one of those people. Other people you shouldn’t be like are those who wear socks and sandals.

Are you a Geography teacher? No, didn’t think so …. but the people who do this (wear socks and sandals) well, let’s just say like Wethers Originals (you know what I mean). So more example of people that you shouldn’t be like are those who wear leather-strapped gentleman watches with a tracksuit.

Brothers, it just looks odd. This post borders on, my previous post of signs of a psychopath, which can be found here; https://ayyazmalik.com/2020/08/24/signs-of-psycho-satire/

My Bearded Soldiers, I am back after a little break, and that’s your list for now. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The toughest job interview (satire)

Hello and greetings, my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, here I talk about an issue in the world of beards. Here, brothers, I talk about the toughest job interview known to man.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

When you know you’re in an Asian’s house (Satire)

Hello and greetings, here is a satirical look on how you know you’re in an Asian house. I hope you enjoy!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Thank me later

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards and flag bearer of beards on digital media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after your beards and in the process of growing them too!

Brothers, I want to talk about an important issue, it’s the issue of some hidden gems that you might not have been aware of.

Have you ever thought what the top pocket of your shirt is for? It’s for putting your beard comb in you’re welcome.

Traditionally you would wear jeans/trousers and you would have pockets in those, but think about it. Top pocket is more practical right?

Brothers, you can’t put it in your jeans/trouser pockets. That’s for your phone and wallet and the smaller section for change change (or so they tell me).

For the bald headed people amongst you when you shave your head, you most likely use shave foam right? Well when you next time do apply at on your beard too.

No, it’s not what it sounds like, but when I do this, I have realised it adds a nice surprising shine to my beard.

Just like what Vaseline does. You have to try it to love it as they say.

Brothers, red salted chips are a game changer, especially with a chicken burger. Oo and that chicken burger of yours, surely needs to be spicy, once you go spicy the others aren’t nicey.

I did actually just type that, maybe this lock down is getting to me. Thankfully I have enough sanity to keep my beard and cherish it. All is not lost!

There are many more examples of some hidden knowledge gems out there no doubt. But I will just share the few here. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Stay blessed, stay beard!

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The old London bus

There’s that saying, of the old London bus, nothing for ages then two come at once, this saying has become very popular in football too. With Liverpool’s football team, it proved to be the case of the old London bus.

When The Reds beat Crystal Palace 7-0 at Selhurst Park, a ground which is arguably their bogey ground, no one and I am sure no one would have expected Jurgen Klopp’s all conquering side to lose their touch in front of goal.

The usual sharp shooter, quick draw Mcgraw of the wild wild North West, were a shadow of themselves.

Games against West Brom ended (who have been close to hopeless with and without Big Sam’s intervention) goal less, as did the matches with Southampton and Burnley too.

With the latter two teams, both defeated the reigning champions 1-0, which started to lead to some questions if Liverpool were fielding their under 18’s in disguise. The golden boot of Salah, the pin point of Trent Alexander Arnold, where had they gone?

Maybe they were still stuck in South London and were a victim of the Prime Minister’s stricter lockdown rules. As the games passed by, and the minutes too, many were left wondering where have last seasons Liverpool gone?

This version of the Premier League winners has upgrades. Thiago Alcantara, the one man orchestra one of the best in the business in his position has left many Liverpool fans and non-Liverpool fans in awe in how he glides across the football pitch.

Bambi on ice? Were some of the thoughts of some, but a Lion in the jungle the former Bayern man is becoming with his commanding and demanding displays in the middle of the park so far. This was all fair and well, but there was still no goals?

Such a sequence couldn’t continue for long surely or could it? One hour, turned into seven. Has someone shrunk the goals for a laugh? It started to seem that way. Salah, Mane and Firmino couldn’t score no matter how much they tried.

From the Liverpool perspective, this barren run of no goals duly ended when Manchester United hosted The Reds in what turned out to be one of the best FA Cup games in recent memory. Mohammed Salah duly getting two on the day.

So the goals came back, but what about that first win of 2021? Well, that would come this evening against Jose Mourinho’s Tottenham team. This Spurs team is a far cry from the team under former manager Mauricio Pochettino.

Jose’s boys tend to park the bus. Now, I thought this was what they do at the Wembley bus station, but looks like Mr Mourino’s sat nav has gone slightly off. The trio of Mane, Salah and Firmino looked to have got their mojo back as Firmino and Mane both scored in tonights 3-1 win.

Jose, that parked bus has been moved. Someone left the hand break down *rolls his eyes*

Tonight’s visitors Liverpool played like their hand break was down too.

Those Liverpool’s boys have been starved of a goal for a while, they’ve fulfilled some of the craving tonight.

These lads though? They’re hungry boys and still need feeding.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

The tea/coffee dippers

Hello and good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re looking after yourselves and I pray you look after your beards! Bearded Soldiers, I want to talk about the issue of the biscuit dipper. This topic, I have found has divided opinion. My Bearded Beloved’s in short, your Captain will say just don’t do it!

To clarify, what it is you shouldn’t be doing it’s the issue of putting biscuits (usually digestives) into your tea or coffee. Whether you should have tea or coffee is a debate in itself, but I digress …. My Bearded Soldiers your beverage is for drinking.

Your tea/coffee isn’t tomato ketchup and your biscuit isn’t a chip (if you know what I mean). The tea dippers will be able to clarify their rationale, but soggy digestives? Really??? As bad as that is, I have heard and seen toast being dipped into a beverage and also naan!

Especially with the last example, you know the end is nigh. Maybe, if you have flu for example you won’t have the taste buds to taste soggy biscuits, but the visual (yuck). There is also the other kind of dippers, the soup dippers.

A true story here, I was told is was soup for dinner. To say I was devastated doesn’t do the moment I made the heartbroken face justice. Soup, tomato soup is ok … but on it’s own! Soggy bread even with tomato sauce on it… just why !?

My brothers, I pray none of you fall foul of this woeful act. (This blog like with all my other posts are silly tongue and cheek). It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

To help keep wonderful content coming through and help maintain project Bearded Captain , you can help fund me here;

https://www.paypal.me/AyyazMalik86

Some traits of an Asian man

Hello and good evening my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bearers of all beards on digital broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make you laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make you laugh and I am that beard who tries to make you smile.

My Bearded Beloved’s I hope you’re well and I hope you’re looking after yourselves and your beard! Brothers I want to talk about an important issue. Brothers, we have done many a blog post on Asian life, so you lovely souls might be getting an idea of what it’s like to be brown and originate from the Asian Sub Continent.

What I want to mention in this blog, is some common traits of an Asian man. In the previous blog, we did mention the Alpha Male mentality that an Asian “Uncle” has (he never shows emotions). That Asian man will have a mustache, sometimes their tash is curly, a comical looking curly, but not the Yosemite Sam type.

Other traits, might not be as obvious … they tend to die their hair. Ever wonder how these older Asian men have hair blacker than shoe polish? Nope, it’s not what you think (because they’re single) they have grey hair and are using grey hair to cover it! Oooo they’re living in denial, let them go grey gracefully.

This is coming from the bald headed man, who after seeing he had three grey strands of beard hair, cut them off! Hey, in my defence I am 34, and too young for being a grey fox.

I can’t forget the wig. An Asian man, will wear and wig when they go bald, not me I have bald gracefully. When I get cold on my head it’s the trilbies or the snapbacks, never a wig! They look like a rag on your head …. just no!

Me and my brother, play wig watch (seeing if some’s head full of hair is a wig or genuine)… such is the amusement we get from how ridiculous you look. The argument is, it’s better than a comb over, but I don’t think it is.

Literally laughing in my head when I think about getting the hoover and sucking it over the Asian man’s wig.

If you’re from Manchester and you’re an Asian young man and you see them wearing designer trainers, namely Nike, know that they’re a Bury New Road special (knock off trainers). Yes, there maybe cheap, but when I go down to Bury New Road, nothing is more annoying than being harassed by people drumming up business for their shops.

I would much prefer to go to Turkey, if I really wanted counterfeit sports wear. Going to the European country, will also be a holiday where the weather tends to be nice weather, or I could get new teeth if I went Turkey, which would crown off my trip … yes that was a teeth pun.

Other traits of an Asian man, would be his “Rado or Rolex” watch. If you ask them, no it’s not Brolex or Ralo. Funny story, when my brother would change watch batteries for these kind of watches in my dad’s shop and tell them price of the battery fitting the Asian men, would get angry.

When it was put to them, due to the severity of the Rado mechanism and labour expertise needed this is why it would cost more. This is where the lie, would unravel .. it’s only a cheap watch they would fume, that costs more than the watch!

Oh how the mighty fall at that very moment. Last and most certainly not least (as I am sure there is more, but I will only mention these) is an Asian man will always exaggerate the price he paid for a house or a car. That Asian Uncle brought a new car?

If he brought it for let’s sey £11,995 … he will say he got for £14,995. Obviously you don’t tell the truth for how much you got it now there for do you?

That is my list of traits of Asian men, is there any more? Let me know in the comments it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Asian parents vs non Asian parents (with a hint of sarcasm)

When you think of Parents, you think of a lot of things. If there were no parents, there would be no me, no you. It’s something, that a lot of us will become in our life.

Some of us embrace it, some of us struggle in the role of parent, here though I want to just highlight some of the things that all parents do.

I will qualify that, what all Asian parents do. Now non-Asian parents (some at least) are known by their first name to their children.

Any Asian kid, dare to call their parents by their name …. Let’s just say get the funeral directors on the ready.

In non-Asian households going out to play, for example, might be as simple as ABC and 123, in an Asian household? Nope!

First, you have to ask your mum and hope she’s able to twist the arm of your dad and make him ‘give in’ on this occasion.

This almost reminds of a video game, where you defeat all the bosses, then you got the final boss- the hardest of them all, and that’s an Asian dad.

Some are worried about lockdown? Well in an Asian house it’s a near lockdown every day.

I need to also mention an Asian father is a true depiction of an Alpha Male. You will never, a handful of times if you’re lucky see your old man cry.

If you do indeed see your old man cry, know it’s a collectors item. If you see your dad get up in the middle of the original Lion King, right before Mufasa dies, you know he isn’t putting the kettle on.

An Asian parent is more efficient than Royal Mail’s sorting office, they very kindly go through your post.

They’re HR too, I can recall many occasion where I was ill but ended up going into work to withstand the questions upon questions as to why I am off, and I don’t ‘look ill’.

In a non-Asian household, the narrative tends to be, you’re 16 years old out of the house, you’re old enough to stand on your own two feet.

If an Asian at 35 had that attitude that he/she can stand on their own two feet, then civil war and, although not a nuclear war, violence with the slipper would ensue thereafter.

Asian boy or girl, try to move out of the home, and that might be one of the last things you do on planet earth.

There’s a flip side to this, yes this is a very satirical piece, but should my parents get old, or even frail,  I would honestly love to look after them in their old age, like they did me in my infancy.

I have seen the Dispatchers and Panorama programmes alike, and they show mistreatment of the elderly in nursing homes. Yours truly couldn’t have that on his conscience.

Could never dream of putting my parents in a nursing home.

In front of your Asian parents, if you swear like a trooper, again you will get the slipper or even a backhand more deadly than Rodger Federer’s.

In a non-Asian household, there have been instances where kids and parents only address each other by swearing.

One thing, that both non-Asian parents are in unison is that neither encourages their child to smoke. Both Asian kids and non-Asian kids tend to hide that they smoke from their parents.

Maybe in a non-Asian household, it’s eventually tolerated, but in an Asian household it’s very frowned upon to smoke, but what about drinking I hear you ask? Don’t even go there.

Other differences with non-Asian and Asian household and their attitude of parents is that in a non-Asian household they tend to leave it to the kids themselves to find their own partner for settling down, that means in a long term relationship or marriage.

In an Asian household, if word gets out that the child themselves chose their own partner for settling down with and in this case to marry them, the parents are seen as possible weak and the child a ‘wild child’.

It’s fair to say, I have poked a bit of fun of parents, but deep down it’s something that’s thrust upon you. He/she will never be truly ready for parenthood until you are in the moment.

I am not a parent as of yet, so when I do become one, it will be hilarious in my mind, if I do any of those things that I poked fun at for parents doing.

Deep down, I am personally very blessed for my parents …. Genuinely so.I have had anxiety issues, my parents have been there for me, I suffered heartbreak from my first love.

In both of these instances where I was at an all-time low, my parents were there for me.

Quite simply, I wouldn’t be the beard I am today if it wasn’t for their love, care and support that they have shown me over the years.

That is priceless and makes me think don’t take anything for granted.