The Best A Man Can Get

So when do you know you have a big beard? (Satire)

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, as always I say I hope you’re well and looking after your beards.

My brothers, I am sure you remember when I was going through the painful ordeal of being reduced to the life of a short bearded man. If you don’t then it’s that you don’t actually read my blog (have shame bearded one … just joking – but read my blog).

Bearded Soldiers, you will remember the painful ordeal I talked about and the misery that I felt, the moment it sunk that I cut it too short. There was a lot to sink in that day, including my beard hair! *whaling* (even though I told a cracking pun if I say so myself).

Thankfully, my Bearded Companions, the Bearded ease has come after the Bearded hardship, my beard is longer again! How do I define a long beard I hear you ask? Don’t worry young Bearded one, your Captain is here.

To define a long beard is simple and if these few examples apply to you then congratulations my Bearded brethren, you’re a long beard! Now, only the select few and the pinnacle of beards grow the Merlin beard (a long beard, very long but immaculate in its maintenance).

So the first sign of when your beard has gone long is when you see it puff out on the sides. With a short beard, you wouldn’t have that problem. Let me guess? You too have also tried to “comb” your beard with your hand or aggressively pat down your facial pride and joy.

If this isn’t one sign, there is of course food now getting stuck in there (what I call the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard). If you grow it long enough, you could probably keep your secret diary in there.

Another sign is when you feel your beard getting blown from side to side to side the wind, with a short beard your face just gets cold. Brothers, be sure to keep your comb with you and when your beard does get blown around, it’s not the end of the world.

Honourable mentions need to be mentioned for when you wash your face with a long beard and splash the water on your beard, the water stays there, with a short beard the water doesn’t stay it gets absorbed by the skin quicker.

Also, with a long beard, the beard hairs can sometimes come into your mouth without prior warning. Now, I know your beard smells nice, but it’s not edible so it won’t taste nice.

The last obvious sign for me though, however, is when you’re zipping up a coat and a jacket, you run the risk of your beard hair getting stuck in the zip as you do it. Does this happen with a short beard? No!
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

 

The Summer beard

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, I pray you are well. As you know, we are of course in unprecedented times, in the times of lockdown and isolation. The Monks and the Buddhists talk of isolation and the therapeutic effects of the period of solitude.

For your Captain, however, it’s not been plain sailing. Part of me thinks, this isolation thing, how am I differing from the Monks, what are they doing that I am not? Yes, in these times I have spent time with my Nephew (Bearded Captain in the making) and my niece who has a key to my heart (the cheeky monkey).

There have been times of boredom, and just feeling fed up and worn down. I share this bit of info with you my beloved’s, just to remind you, you’re not alone. My brothers, I invite you to reach out to me on my email (ayyazmalik86@gmail.com), should you feel the need to talk.

I am here for my brothers, even if I don’t blog as much here, that’s been in part due to me working on my vlog The Sports Buff, which is shaping nicely and my pride and joy, The Bearded Captain vlog.

Brothers, my bearded soldiers what I want to talk to you about today though is about the summer beard. Much has been made about Jim Carey advising men to do Quarantine Beard, (grow a beard in lockdown time) but with it being summer, traditionally men tend to shave their pride and joy off their faces.

I have to question this rhetoric. Guys, when it’s summer, do we grab the hair clippers and say this hair is too much let’s shave it off? Usually, men don’t, so why is beard different?

My soldiers, it’s a tough time to grow a beard or have a beard, I can’t dress this up. But my brothers, the true men amongst you, will take this challenge head-on. The Captain suggests, that you have a cold shower regularly as well washing your face with cold water.

Life is full of challenges brothers in the world of beard, don’t make this be one of them. Especially in the UK, summer doesn’t last forever, have some patience. Bless you, all brothers, it’s over and out of from The Bearded Captain.

Even beards need to stay safe too

By Ayyaz “The Bearded Captain” Malik

Hello and greetings my bearded beloved’s, good afternoon. As we are insolation season, I will make sure that I address you, my soldiers in this time.

A lot of you, might be fighting boredom, and other dom’s – maybe stardom, but as you are not as magnificent as The Captain, that’s unlikely.

I am very flattered of course, but there have been two tales of when your captain has been stopped twice, due to his face trophy – his beard.

Once in Wakefield West Yorkshire, the other in Small Heath Birmingham. The occasion in Birmingham gave me great joy as on this occasion I was stopped due to being recognized as The Bearded Captain.
Yes, this tale will be told to the kids and grandkids … can you blame me? Gloating aside, gleaming aside I want to talk about the issue at hand. This issue is an important one.

For the die-hard fans of this blog amongst you, I know you’re in your masses, then you will remember a blog post where I stated that even The Captain can get man flu as well as other bearded men.

This blog post is essentially about that, but it’s just reminding you brothers, that stay safe and weary in these times. I know you have Herculean faces brothers, but in this pandemic of Covid 19, please follow the guidelines that your government has set.

I can’t do this post, without mentioning the tragic bearded news that some of our bearded brothers have been lost in the battle of covid 19. There are beards who, in the fight against this pandemic are giving up their time and facial hair to help our elderly and vulnerable.

The Captain gives those now beardless men and the women a fully-fledged bearded salute and running socially distanced bro hug. A mention to my brothers, thanks for helping the ill and affected, I know it must be hard to remove your face diamonds from your face.

Looking like your barely older enough to have left school, never mind have a fully-fledged full-time job, what these male nurses, in this case, are doing is of course admirable.

Some nurses are working close to 15 hours a day, without some time off in site. My beards, just because you are still bearded where some might not be, just please stay safe and take care.

You are superheroes, yes, but just like Superman and Batman, they can get hurt and feel pain. My brothers so can you, stay safe …. and look after yourselves and your beards!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain , peace.

A guide to survive in isolation

By Ayyaz Malik (The Bearded Captain, leader of all beards)

It’s a strange world we live in. Not as strange though as the times we are currently living in. We are in the 21st century of course, but currently, we are living something of a life which looks familiar to Yester century (this is now a thing). 

Hello and greetings from your bearded captain. On this blog, you would have seen me write more in recent times in the form of the sports buff, the sports aficionado on sports from football to WWE. 

A lot has changed for your captain and a lot has changed in the world we live in, since my last bearded captain blog post, I am doing vlogging about my beard, you can find me here;  https://www.smartlightpeople.com/uploader/ayyazmalik86gmail-com/    

Of course, I am also on youtube, with the aim to spread the message of beard far and wide. My bearded soldiers, my bearded brothers we are in times, that we hope that we don’t have to face again, the time of the coronavirus. 

This pandemic, has sadly taken lives many lives, and it will look to take many more – but it’s also taken beard lives too. Lives matter, beard lives matter but on a serious note perspective here is needed. A big mention must go to the NHS (or national health service for my friends abroad).

Despite some of the men having to be clean-shaven (for health/hygiene reasons) these men and women are at the forefront helping our uncle’s, auntie’s, mum’s, dads and grandparents alike. 

A salute goes to them ‘men’ and women, (yes you read that right, but it’s the one and only time). They are (some of them) are caring for the elderly, (not all corona patients are elderly) This is of course a bearded trait an important one at that too. In their line of profession, the medical professional’s have deemed it necessary to remove beards. 

I would hope it’s all part of a conspiracy theory, but in these times the need to stay safe is most important above all else. Those clean-shaven men are looking after those who could be our loved ones. 

In certain cases, they can’t come back home and see their loved ones due to taking safe distancing measures. So, in a nutshell, my beards, this blog post was just me saying, I am still here. 

Over this isolation period, I The Bearded Captain will be looking to keep you lovely souls entertained. That will be through my TikTok videos and also my blog series, as well as the vlog updates on smart light people. 

Also, hoping you are able to sit in your garden, and sit out there and take in the good weather, hopefully this will be an option. Read my blog posts and other brilliant blog posts is another option.

Guys, this isolation will no doubt be challenging, but maybe read a book, watch a boxset, find some indoor exercises to do – these are just some things that you can do to keep yourself occupied.

My beards, you can make sure you keep your beard nice and soft in this period too. Whatever you do brothers, being bored should not be one of those things!

The Bearded Captain; “Away from the chin beard needs care too”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded soldiers, as always I love how you have shown love to me. My beards, we need to talk about an important issue, it’s an issue which we all go through.

I am talking about the dreaded beard itch. In fact, I would even argue this is in the top three of the importance of a subject. The subject in question is the flakiness of the beard (back of the chin) and the beard itch. These are two issues, rolled into one.

There is a reason I have put this into one big topic, simply because there is a link. The beard itch nine times out of 10 is usually not from the same area. What is relevant to take into account is that to counteract the beard itch, The Captain says make sure you use beard oils or even beard balm.

Sadly, this won’t stop the beard itch 100%, but my beards please factor this into consideration, a beard itch is a crucial part of beard life. If you can deal with the struggles of beard itch, then this will also help you adapt to any struggles of beard life as you have learnt the key component .. patience.

How this is linked (beard flakiness at the back of the chin and general beard itch), is that in both instances beard oils or beard balm will help. Again, it’s not 100% guaranteed, but it does help.

What this issue has done is this my beards, it’s made aware of issues I underestimated the importance of. I hope I have been of help to you this evening my beards … It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Kellogs Crunchy Beard?

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of your beards and be careful of the Kellogs Crunchy Beard

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. As you know, I go by the name of The Bearded Captain. My aim, my goal and my mission is to make you lovely souls laugh and smile, but educate and inform you of the perks of beard life as I do it.

That my bearded soldiers, won’t change, even until the day I die, Ameen. my bearded brothers/ my bearded soldiers, please note I am a loving captain. I can say, I won’t need to go on undercover beards either to see how good I am as a bearded leader.

I know, I tell debatably funny jokes and am very obsessed and driven when it comes to the beard, the facial hair; the man fur. With this in mind, and trying to be mindful that I don’t go too off-topic, my beards I want to talk about the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard.

What is this? I hear you ask .. don’t worry my beloved’s The Captain is here, he will tell you all about it. The Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard is quite simply when you’re having your favourite cereal (apparently it’s ludicrously tasty and all), sometimes, if not all the time cereal gets stuck in your beard.

This issue doesn’t just stop there … toast, kebab, crisps and other bits of food gets stuck to theirs too. So what to do, how to resolve this issue? Well my beards, there’s no easy answer.

I will say this though my beards, it’s a real issue, and the solution isn’t to have a beard. Yeah, I know those clean-shaven “funny men”, will tell you any gibberish to try and make you give your face trophy the heave-ho.

No, no! Not going to happen at all !!!. Now in food prep areas, bearded men where bearded nets the way women wear hairnets. This could be one option, but not ideal. There is another option, for you to put a bib over your face.

Again an option, but not the most ideal. It’s better than the first option of course, but yeah it’s something to consider. Your captain, of course, goes through this issue, and as much as it pains me, I don’t have a magical solution for this problem, I know it’s a serious issue too.

What I suggest is a mixture to be done here. This means, look to put a face bib over your face if the surroundings are right. A beard is a prized possession and people treat their clothes as a prized possession. Do you see my point?

I would also say, beards keep your beard comb close. By keeping your beard comb close, this could help clear up your beard from food crumbs, or any other bits of food. I hope this goes some way to solving an age-old issue.
It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain with a revamped look, but still Captain of the cool beards

Ayyaz Lister Park

Still captain of The Cool Beards, even with a changed look

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. My beards, I sincerely apologise to you my bearded soldiers, my bearded beloved’s. I pray you’re all well and in the process of growing beards and maintaining the way, that is fitting for a bearded man.

My soldiers, it’s clear and apparent I have for you (the ones who grow their beards nicely and look after their beards). It is an issue I have spoke about time and time again, so for the day one fans, sorry but I am going to talk about this issue, the issue of growing and shaving your beard as you please.

My beards, the beard isn’t a fashion accessory. Yes, my beards you look desirable by growing a beard, but please note, this is by no means a symbol for you use, lose it and abuse it as you please.

Just wish the fella at work would see the light, but patience, perseverance etc etc. As annoying at that is, I am not here to talk about him, I am here to talk about me. Why? Well this blog is about me, and I love me! (hehe).

My beards, I used to make many entries before I didn’t need glasses, but ever since I am now wearing glasses, I sadly haven’t made any entries since. Of course that’s going to change my beards, the reason why I am saying this is because, just because I need glasses, the need for facial change won’t be needed.

You get some, who just find any reason to give the man fur the heave ho. Err, excuse me! you need your beard and the beard doesn’t need you. I thought if you have glasses, you would be able to see that better?

For some bearded brothers, sadly that isn’t the case. That negativity aside, my bearded brothers (as shown in the photo), I now where glasses! It’s not changed the fact that I have a beard, but as it happens what’s changed is my weight.

Alhamdulillah, I have lost three and a half stone in six months! So the lesson is there my beards, you can make changes in life, life doesn’t stay still, but for the love god, please don’t change your best gift …. your beards.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain *** gives Bearded Salute ***

The Bearded Captain; “When You Sleep Keep Your Beard Comb Close”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.  My beards, this is one my favourite photos. Old But gold as they say

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my beloved soldiers are well and are in the process of growing beards. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer they say, but this saying gets a bit lost on The Captain, I have never understood it, but there you go anyway …. I pray my soldiers are well and are doing the best they can to maintain their beards.

As the regular readers of my blog (my soldiers) know, I am a simple person who doesn’t like drama in life. I am passionate person, a driven person and one thing that I am drive about is ensuring that my Bearded Kingdom is a Kingdom, which is governed with love and care.

On that topic of care, we as beards know the need for caring for our face. Fellas, you’re probably gonna nod profusely at this point but when she asks which blusher looks better, when they’re all the “same” and you think this is a pointless conversation.

Now though fellas I must say be careful now that you have said that because you might need their advice (the women folk) we might need their advice on what comb is the best. When you rolled your eyes and thought this is a pointless conversation, could very well come back to bite.

Your women folk are the crown jewels, take care of them and them being the shining diamonds that they are, enable them to shine. If you get yourself the right woman, she will be the kind of lady who will encourage you to rise above social pressures.

There’s plastic combs, but there’s also wooden combs too. The plastic ones although cheap, do have a durability to it. Sadly I speak from experience, I was gifted a personalised beard comb (wooden one), sadly it broke and that left me heart broken.

I ended up going five/six times a week to the gym, to soften the blow and also  on cheat days (honest) have Dixy chicken. Five or six months down the line, I have over come the grief, I can now talk about this topic with a bit more ease.

My beards, The Captain says this, make sure you keep your beards nicely maintained. This can be done, by ensuring that you have your beard comb with you at all times. For every day use, plastic comb is fine, but special occasion when you want to make a statement of intent isn’t ok.

In this instant a wooden personalised beard  comb is sufficient. Make sure you look after your beard comb, it’s one of your most prized possessions after your beard itself. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain Is Here With Another Message: The Bearded Captain’s “Unsung Hero”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. Your Captain is here with another address. After delivering my address this morning, which was my first in a really long time here is another dosage of wisdom from The Captain.

As stated in the previous blog your Captain has been spreading his message far and wide. Whether that be Linkedin, (“Pompousbook” as some may call it and I call it) Instagram or Beardstagram as I like to call it, Facebook or Twitter.

Together with my beards, although we might not take over the world, we will surely raise a war against the razor. Shaving is only to be done on your heads or … well, your clever people work it out.

The reason this mission started in the first place was for what? To show how rock and roll beards really are. No, we don’t look ugly with a beard … in fact, it’s surely the polar opposite.

With careful maintenance, beard oil and application of Mont Blanc perfume or any other bearded perfume, you will be irresistible to boys and girls a like, if that’s what you crave young bearded one.

Let me reword that, you will get the attention and the admiration of the boys and girls, and if you aren’t getting that love and attention from the boys and girls, my solider look in the mirror and know you’re not growing your beard right.

But if you are not only know you’re growing your beard right, but note you need stay modest in the face of all this attention. When beards are in the spotlight, their beards take centre stage and shine through.

Maybe, your beard is too hippy like if you’re not getting recognition  …. or worse still maybe your jokes are terrible  and attitude isn’t right which is terrible for any beard. If this indeed is the case, then you will need to reaffirm the bearded pledge which is what?

A beard is 1% growth, 99% attitude, with 110% and the ability to make people laugh. That’s the bearded pledge. My social media inbox, is bulging with hello’s and salaams, why? Coz of my beard Alhamdulillah and me practicing The Bearded Pledge!

Note bearded one, when you wake up, your beard wakes up with you. When I had hair I used to have hair (many years ago), I used to have “bad hair days”, with a beard there’s no such thing.

If you think you’re having a bad beard day, note you’re just a hippy and you didn’t ever have a good beard day in the first place. Beards we keep our beards well maintained, nobody in work quite makes an entrance like I do.

In fact, I believe my way to my desk is longer because of all the meeting and greeting and Beard Saluting that I need to do, it’s a tough life but someone has to be me and someone has to lead you beards to the right bearded way.

Through years and months of hard work, me your Bearded Captain has had to endure months of sacrifice and struggle in this quest for Bearded Greatness. The times I have selflessly had Dixy Chicken Mega Mix Burger Meal and Dessert Republic cakes and cappuccinos just to ensure for you guys this is suitable for beards and it’s of The Bearded Standard.

Some may think about the beard, “O it’s just facial hair”, yes it is but note this defines a man and a boy, a Lion and a kitten. A beard is just more than facial hair, it’s a way of saying … my face Alhamdulillah is awesome and I am proud of my face and I want to reward it with a beard.

Why cut your face? Isn’t that self-harm to your face? … When people “self-harm” themselves, what do we say? We say they’re ill and need help .. but when you’re cutting your face why isn’t that an issue then?

If I was ever to even contemplate (don’t worry this is a figure of speech) shaving off my beard I know my face would cry.  To make sure I am allowed in work tomorrow, this last part of the blog is for my colleague Miss Shelby Sheridan who reads these blogs and tries to adhere to The Bearded Movement even though she doesn’t have a beard.

She always salutes me when I come into work or walk past her desk, The Captain thanks you.

Even as The Captain, that woman with the greatest respect is a nut job and can scare the life out of me with her stories. So Shelby thanks for reading my blogs, The Captain appreciates your support. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

Hello My Soliders Your Captain Is Still Here Don’t Worry

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I know what you’re going to say and I can say that I am sorry in advance, but my soldiers Alhamdulillah I am in good health and my beard is stealing the show like it always is.

So where have I been I hear you ask? My soldiers I have been around don’t worry … I have been introducing myself to the world of Facebook (crazy place I know) and Instagram.

My beloved soldiers, on both Insta and Fb I have received a lot of love from my followers, who have since become loyal followers of The Bearded Movement. For that I do this blog to thank you all.

So with jokes, witty banter and unbelievable Beard Quotes, the world of Facebook understand what The Captain is all about. My message is only truly getting out there now … my soldiers I have to report of one casualty … in the time that I have not been here on this blog.

Mr Marcus Nicholson, my one time trusted right hand bearded man … has only gone and done a Russell Crowe …. he has shaved his beard  *** cries uncontrollably**** . The lure of money has got the better of him.

I loved you my beloved solider, but no one is bigger than their face fur. No one! As tough as an act he is to follow, The Bearded Show must go on. So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog to address you all.

My colleagues in work, greet me with The Bearded Salute, address me as Captain and write emails calling me Captain … one colleague has gone further gifted me with so much beard products! I could open up a beard grooming shop with the amount of product I have lol.

Yes, he maybe a fellow beard and The Bearded Commander, but you don’t get such a title as a god given right … no sir it’s on merit. You Mr David Hollier have shown over the past few months, you’re an exceptional beard … thanks guys!

I also do live Facebook broadcasts and let my FB followers into the world of The Bearded Life, the life that is truly rock and roll. Clean shaven, people please tell me, does anyone stop you in the street and say “O nice face mate” …. I thought so,so let’s just leave that discussion there shall we.

Anyway guys, thanks for your support means a lot. I forgot to mention, my beard Alhamdulillah won my team lunch, not once but twice … yeah I know I should win a nobel peace prize for my awesome work to beards.

It’s over and out and from your Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.