The Best A Man Can Get

The Bearded Captain; “Away from the chin beard needs care too”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded soldiers, as always I love how you have shown love to me. My beards, we need to talk about an important issue, it’s an issue which we all go through.

I am talking about the dreaded beard itch. In fact, I would even argue this is in the top three of the importance of a subject. The subject in question is the flakiness of the beard (back of the chin) and the beard itch. These are two issues, rolled into one.

There is a reason I have put this into one big topic, simply because there is a link. The beard itch nine times out of 10 is usually not from the same area. What is relevant to take into account is that to counteract the beard itch, The Captain says make sure you use beard oils or even beard balm.

Sadly, this won’t stop the beard itch 100%, but my beards please factor this into consideration, a beard itch is a crucial part of beard life. If you can deal with the struggles of beard itch, then this will also help you adapt to any struggles of beard life as you have learnt the key component .. patience.

How this is linked (beard flakiness at the back of the chin and general beard itch), is that in both instances beard oils or beard balm will help. Again, it’s not 100% guaranteed, but it does help.

What this issue has done is this my beards, it’s made aware of issues I underestimated the importance of. I hope I have been of help to you this evening my beards … It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Kellogs Crunchy Beard?

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of your beards and be careful of the Kellogs Crunchy Beard

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. As you know, I go by the name of The Bearded Captain. My aim, my goal and my mission is to make you lovely souls laugh and smile, but educate and inform you of the perks of beard life as I do it.

That my bearded soldiers, won’t change, even until the day I die, Ameen. my bearded brothers/ my bearded soldiers, please note I am a loving captain. I can say, I won’t need to go on undercover beards either to see how good I am as a bearded leader.

I know, I tell debatably funny jokes and am very obsessed and driven when it comes to the beard, the facial hair; the man fur. With this in mind, and trying to be mindful that I don’t go too off-topic, my beards I want to talk about the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard.

What is this? I hear you ask .. don’t worry my beloved’s The Captain is here, he will tell you all about it. The Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard is quite simply when you’re having your favourite cereal (apparently it’s ludicrously tasty and all), sometimes, if not all the time cereal gets stuck in your beard.

This issue doesn’t just stop there … toast, kebab, crisps and other bits of food gets stuck to theirs too. So what to do, how to resolve this issue? Well my beards, there’s no easy answer.

I will say this though my beards, it’s a real issue, and the solution isn’t to have a beard. Yeah, I know those clean-shaven “funny men”, will tell you any gibberish to try and make you give your face trophy the heave-ho.

No, no! Not going to happen at all !!!. Now in food prep areas, bearded men where bearded nets the way women wear hairnets. This could be one option, but not ideal. There is another option, for you to put a bib over your face.

Again an option, but not the most ideal. It’s better than the first option of course, but yeah it’s something to consider. Your captain, of course, goes through this issue, and as much as it pains me, I don’t have a magical solution for this problem, I know it’s a serious issue too.

What I suggest is a mixture to be done here. This means, look to put a face bib over your face if the surroundings are right. A beard is a prized possession and people treat their clothes as a prized possession. Do you see my point?

I would also say, beards keep your beard comb close. By keeping your beard comb close, this could help clear up your beard from food crumbs, or any other bits of food. I hope this goes some way to solving an age-old issue.
It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain with a revamped look, but still Captain of the cool beards

Ayyaz Lister Park

Still captain of The Cool Beards, even with a changed look

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. My beards, I sincerely apologise to you my bearded soldiers, my bearded beloved’s. I pray you’re all well and in the process of growing beards and maintaining the way, that is fitting for a bearded man.

My soldiers, it’s clear and apparent I have for you (the ones who grow their beards nicely and look after their beards). It is an issue I have spoke about time and time again, so for the day one fans, sorry but I am going to talk about this issue, the issue of growing and shaving your beard as you please.

My beards, the beard isn’t a fashion accessory. Yes, my beards you look desirable by growing a beard, but please note, this is by no means a symbol for you use, lose it and abuse it as you please.

Just wish the fella at work would see the light, but patience, perseverance etc etc. As annoying at that is, I am not here to talk about him, I am here to talk about me. Why? Well this blog is about me, and I love me! (hehe).

My beards, I used to make many entries before I didn’t need glasses, but ever since I am now wearing glasses, I sadly haven’t made any entries since. Of course that’s going to change my beards, the reason why I am saying this is because, just because I need glasses, the need for facial change won’t be needed.

You get some, who just find any reason to give the man fur the heave ho. Err, excuse me! you need your beard and the beard doesn’t need you. I thought if you have glasses, you would be able to see that better?

For some bearded brothers, sadly that isn’t the case. That negativity aside, my bearded brothers (as shown in the photo), I now where glasses! It’s not changed the fact that I have a beard, but as it happens what’s changed is my weight.

Alhamdulillah, I have lost three and a half stone in six months! So the lesson is there my beards, you can make changes in life, life doesn’t stay still, but for the love god, please don’t change your best gift …. your beards.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain *** gives Bearded Salute ***

The Bearded Captain; “When You Sleep Keep Your Beard Comb Close”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.  My beards, this is one my favourite photos. Old But gold as they say

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my beloved soldiers are well and are in the process of growing beards. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer they say, but this saying gets a bit lost on The Captain, I have never understood it, but there you go anyway …. I pray my soldiers are well and are doing the best they can to maintain their beards.

As the regular readers of my blog (my soldiers) know, I am a simple person who doesn’t like drama in life. I am passionate person, a driven person and one thing that I am drive about is ensuring that my Bearded Kingdom is a Kingdom, which is governed with love and care.

On that topic of care, we as beards know the need for caring for our face. Fellas, you’re probably gonna nod profusely at this point but when she asks which blusher looks better, when they’re all the “same” and you think this is a pointless conversation.

Now though fellas I must say be careful now that you have said that because you might need their advice (the women folk) we might need their advice on what comb is the best. When you rolled your eyes and thought this is a pointless conversation, could very well come back to bite.

Your women folk are the crown jewels, take care of them and them being the shining diamonds that they are, enable them to shine. If you get yourself the right woman, she will be the kind of lady who will encourage you to rise above social pressures.

There’s plastic combs, but there’s also wooden combs too. The plastic ones although cheap, do have a durability to it. Sadly I speak from experience, I was gifted a personalised beard comb (wooden one), sadly it broke and that left me heart broken.

I ended up going five/six times a week to the gym, to soften the blow and also  on cheat days (honest) have Dixy chicken. Five or six months down the line, I have over come the grief, I can now talk about this topic with a bit more ease.

My beards, The Captain says this, make sure you keep your beards nicely maintained. This can be done, by ensuring that you have your beard comb with you at all times. For every day use, plastic comb is fine, but special occasion when you want to make a statement of intent isn’t ok.

In this instant a wooden personalised beard  comb is sufficient. Make sure you look after your beard comb, it’s one of your most prized possessions after your beard itself. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain Is Here With Another Message: The Bearded Captain’s “Unsung Hero”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. Your Captain is here with another address. After delivering my address this morning, which was my first in a really long time here is another dosage of wisdom from The Captain.

As stated in the previous blog your Captain has been spreading his message far and wide. Whether that be Linkedin, (“Pompousbook” as some may call it and I call it) Instagram or Beardstagram as I like to call it, Facebook or Twitter.

Together with my beards, although we might not take over the world, we will surely raise a war against the razor. Shaving is only to be done on your heads or … well, your clever people work it out.

The reason this mission started in the first place was for what? To show how rock and roll beards really are. No, we don’t look ugly with a beard … in fact, it’s surely the polar opposite.

With careful maintenance, beard oil and application of Mont Blanc perfume or any other bearded perfume, you will be irresistible to boys and girls a like, if that’s what you crave young bearded one.

Let me reword that, you will get the attention and the admiration of the boys and girls, and if you aren’t getting that love and attention from the boys and girls, my solider look in the mirror and know you’re not growing your beard right.

But if you are not only know you’re growing your beard right, but note you need stay modest in the face of all this attention. When beards are in the spotlight, their beards take centre stage and shine through.

Maybe, your beard is too hippy like if you’re not getting recognition  …. or worse still maybe your jokes are terrible  and attitude isn’t right which is terrible for any beard. If this indeed is the case, then you will need to reaffirm the bearded pledge which is what?

A beard is 1% growth, 99% attitude, with 110% and the ability to make people laugh. That’s the bearded pledge. My social media inbox, is bulging with hello’s and salaams, why? Coz of my beard Alhamdulillah and me practicing The Bearded Pledge!

Note bearded one, when you wake up, your beard wakes up with you. When I had hair I used to have hair (many years ago), I used to have “bad hair days”, with a beard there’s no such thing.

If you think you’re having a bad beard day, note you’re just a hippy and you didn’t ever have a good beard day in the first place. Beards we keep our beards well maintained, nobody in work quite makes an entrance like I do.

In fact, I believe my way to my desk is longer because of all the meeting and greeting and Beard Saluting that I need to do, it’s a tough life but someone has to be me and someone has to lead you beards to the right bearded way.

Through years and months of hard work, me your Bearded Captain has had to endure months of sacrifice and struggle in this quest for Bearded Greatness. The times I have selflessly had Dixy Chicken Mega Mix Burger Meal and Dessert Republic cakes and cappuccinos just to ensure for you guys this is suitable for beards and it’s of The Bearded Standard.

Some may think about the beard, “O it’s just facial hair”, yes it is but note this defines a man and a boy, a Lion and a kitten. A beard is just more than facial hair, it’s a way of saying … my face Alhamdulillah is awesome and I am proud of my face and I want to reward it with a beard.

Why cut your face? Isn’t that self-harm to your face? … When people “self-harm” themselves, what do we say? We say they’re ill and need help .. but when you’re cutting your face why isn’t that an issue then?

If I was ever to even contemplate (don’t worry this is a figure of speech) shaving off my beard I know my face would cry.  To make sure I am allowed in work tomorrow, this last part of the blog is for my colleague Miss Shelby Sheridan who reads these blogs and tries to adhere to The Bearded Movement even though she doesn’t have a beard.

She always salutes me when I come into work or walk past her desk, The Captain thanks you.

Even as The Captain, that woman with the greatest respect is a nut job and can scare the life out of me with her stories. So Shelby thanks for reading my blogs, The Captain appreciates your support. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

Hello My Soliders Your Captain Is Still Here Don’t Worry

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I know what you’re going to say and I can say that I am sorry in advance, but my soldiers Alhamdulillah I am in good health and my beard is stealing the show like it always is.

So where have I been I hear you ask? My soldiers I have been around don’t worry … I have been introducing myself to the world of Facebook (crazy place I know) and Instagram.

My beloved soldiers, on both Insta and Fb I have received a lot of love from my followers, who have since become loyal followers of The Bearded Movement. For that I do this blog to thank you all.

So with jokes, witty banter and unbelievable Beard Quotes, the world of Facebook understand what The Captain is all about. My message is only truly getting out there now … my soldiers I have to report of one casualty … in the time that I have not been here on this blog.

Mr Marcus Nicholson, my one time trusted right hand bearded man … has only gone and done a Russell Crowe …. he has shaved his beard  *** cries uncontrollably**** . The lure of money has got the better of him.

I loved you my beloved solider, but no one is bigger than their face fur. No one! As tough as an act he is to follow, The Bearded Show must go on. So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog to address you all.

My colleagues in work, greet me with The Bearded Salute, address me as Captain and write emails calling me Captain … one colleague has gone further gifted me with so much beard products! I could open up a beard grooming shop with the amount of product I have lol.

Yes, he maybe a fellow beard and The Bearded Commander, but you don’t get such a title as a god given right … no sir it’s on merit. You Mr David Hollier have shown over the past few months, you’re an exceptional beard … thanks guys!

I also do live Facebook broadcasts and let my FB followers into the world of The Bearded Life, the life that is truly rock and roll. Clean shaven, people please tell me, does anyone stop you in the street and say “O nice face mate” …. I thought so,so let’s just leave that discussion there shall we.

Anyway guys, thanks for your support means a lot. I forgot to mention, my beard Alhamdulillah won my team lunch, not once but twice … yeah I know I should win a nobel peace prize for my awesome work to beards.

It’s over and out and from your Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

The Bearded Captain with a Monday Message

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard, comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray that all my soldiers are well and are maintaining their beards. For those of you men who aren’t on the true way (by growing a beard) then know that I am a patient Captain and my door is always open for you when you see the light.

I wanted to raise the following issue brothers, it’s the issue of people giving the beard a bad name. Me as your Bearded Captain, I want to try and help the people who don’t know how awesome a beard is!

The “normal folk” (clean shaven Jessie’s) think that the beard makes you look old, or even worse some think it makes them look ugly, brothers to remind you …. we grow a beard to be awesome! Well I know I do anyway and we woow the boys and girls because of our bearded magnificence (alhamdulillah).

Unfortunately, I have to report some rebellious beards in the field. Sorry to have to post on the tone of a bit of a downer, but these beard’s need to be addressed. The beards in question, are beards who have been causing destruction in the lands of others and even their own.

Brothers, (I am referring to the rebellious beards) you have a beard because the one who helps your beard grow has been favourable to you. I know many men, who aren’t able to grow a beard (yes, they have been through my vetting process), but just because the one who helped your beard grow has shown you kindness (like he always does I must add) then what right does that give you to act in such a way that you do?

Bearded brothers all of you, remember the best way to show the beauty of the beard is in your actions. A beard can be grown within a month without shaving, but without class morality and respect, then your beard is just facial hair.

Remember bearded brothers, a beard is 99% attitude with 110% swag with the ability to make people laugh, 1% of the bearded life is down to growth as anyone could grow one per say. If we want the clean shaven folk to be amongst us bearded men, bearded warriors then we need to be kind and gentle in our actions as well as our speech.

A beard is for life, not just for winter is something I have always preached …. brothers we all need to adapt and learn to have the manners of a beard. We are beards, we are proud to be different …. let’s show the rest of the world how proud we are of our man fur!

Yes, my beard’s I will present to you The Bearded Commandments but there is a guide a lot more in depth than the commandments. This bearded guide teaches a beard how to be good to young and old, it teaches how to be good to the poor.

I have seen some beard’s on social media glamorise the killing of souls. If you want to do that (sorry but you’re a fool if you think it’s justified such action) then do that clean shaven, because imbeciles like you don’t deserve to wear the beard.

A beard is an ultimate gift. If grown correctly and with sincerity, a beard gives you humbleness, humour and kindness amongst other things. Why else was the Captain vote for as the funniest person in the office?

I leave you with that my soldiers, it’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain; “Don’t Do A Brosnan Guys”

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, don’t do a Brosnan for he is a beard who only grew his beard just to keep himself relevant.

 

Hello, greetings and good evening from me your Bearded Captain. I am sorry I haven’t been around of late my beloved soldiers, please forgive me for this. As much as I love you wonderful souls, The Captain has been in Bearded Hibernation.

What that means, boys and girls – ladies, gentleman and clean shaven men is that The Captain was having some time to ponder Bearded Life and the magnificence that comes with the Territory of being The Bearded Captain.

Without further ado, I would like to address today’s issue of not doing a Brosnan. What’s a Brosnan I hear you ask? Well, my soldiers, it is this ….. I would like to think you’re all aware of the ninth Bearded Commandment … (Thou Shall Not Allow The Celebrity Status Of His Beard Get to His Head).

With the Brosnan law, it’s  kind of the opposite of this commandment but needs to be mentioned all the same. The Brosnan law is simply this, I am sure my soldiers you remember Pierce Brosnan who starred in several Bond films.

As I am sure you’re aware the James Bond Character is clean shaven, (don’t get me started please on that topic). In his youth, Brosnan sported a clean shave and was in several Bond films and seemed irresistible to the boys and girls alike.

The thing is though, the world is slowly but surely catching on to the facade of clean shaven people. I mean look at Brosnan’s  later films he has been sporting a beard, the director must read my blog or even be an undercover fan of The Captain.

But the issue is as soon as Pierce Brosnan’s career looks to be going down hill, he decides to grow a beard. Why couldn’t he have been bearded when he was James Bond?

What young guys only look good with a clean shave, what bout The Captain? MashaaAllah I look awesome because I have a beard. My soldiers a beard is for life and not just for winter or when you think your career is going down the pan you draw upon the fame that a beard gives you.

This blog is very much addressing Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, but he who thinks he can grow a beard when he is old to still feel relevant, be warned you will not be amongst my elite.

Every beard is judged by its intention, but don’t take advantage of the beard and abuse its awesomeness. Bearded brothers, you need the beard, not the other way round. The Beard is nature’s way, a beard is a man’s way of saying he is happy in his inner self.

You, my bearded soldier, can be happy with your inner self too. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

Even The Bearded Captain Needs To Know His Role

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, fear not I am still here for you

 

Why hello and greetings there boys and girls, did you miss me? Come on we know the answer to the question of course you did! Who wouldn’t miss The Bearded Captain!? Well, worry not my bearded children, your captain and Bearded Leader hasn’t gone anywhere sorry worry not my beloved bearded children.

In my absence from blog writing, I have been carefully compiling The Bearded Commandments into a book, yes that’s right children the 10 Bearded Rules of perfection in a book, a sacred book for all beards.

As I always do I have been keeping an eye on you from afar, so don’t think you can get away with any “smart stuff”, I will be onto it in a flash. Without further ado, I want to discuss the reason why I am writing today’s blog post.

Today’s issue is in regards to one of The Bearded Commandments, the commandment of “Those Shall Keep His Beard Well Groomed”. Now, you lovely should know by now this is something that I constantly talk about, talk about a lot.

So what I am going to say next might be a tad surprising, to say the least. You lovely people are aware no doubt of The Retired Bearded General, (Father Malik) now The Retired  General himself has had to summon me a few times in regards to the way that my beard was kept.

Bearded children, for this very point I am sorry I feel I have failed you, I am sorry. Me being the flag bearer of Bearded Standards, me myself have let the standards of how a beard should be kept down.

My beard and I haven’t been in good health, although factual is a mere excuse. A beard is for life brothers not just for winter. He who thinks that their beard is for winter, you are not worthy of my tutelage ever!

A messy beard although not ideal, needs a lot of encouragement. I have gone on record and will say this again, a beard that is messy and wavy is a beard that lacks direction in life. Now please note brothers, this isn’t a condemnation, it’s an observation. Brothers, there’s hope you can get out of this slump.

Now, I am fortunate I have an esteemed beard like Father Malik telling me to sort out my beard, you lovely people have the fortune of me. Bearded brothers, the message I want to leave you with is this, we’re a bearded family that is there to help each other.

We don’t want to give the clean shaven Jessie’s any more encouragement than what they’re already getting. Brothers, be firm in the face of any bearded trials or adversity. A messy beard is one of the toughest trials that one can go through.

It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain,A Real Life Example Of The Consequences Of Shaving

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers below is a real-life example of what happens when a commandment is broken.

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well and in the process of growing beards. I want to address one of The Bearded Commandments with a real life example.

The Bearded Commandment in question is the commandment that is “Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard”. A stating the obvious commandment you may think, but my soldiers you will be surprised the necessity of raising the issue.

Step forward my colleague at work Mr. Andrew Cutts. Cutts, the ladies man or Sensai Cutts as he is known to us folk at work is quite the inspirational figure in our office. Despite being clean shaven, my soldiers he has been a crucial person in the life of The Bearded Captain.

He is quite a remarkable case, I say this because despite being a clean shaven Jessie, he still does have the humor and charms to woo the boys and girls. If I was to be favorable to the self-appointed “top dog”, then I would say this he does have a week long stubble.

But unforgivably he has shaved his stubble off and gone back to looking like a child. As upsetting as that has been to see as your Bearded Captain and his Bearded Captain, this next thing was the most upsetting.

The issue in specific question is this, Andrew much to my delight came into work with a lovely well maintained and well-groomed beard. When he walked into the room, he walked into work with the swag one comes to expect when you have a beard.

Compliments were many and the looks of awe were many. “Cutts, that well suits you lad” and other comments from your truly such as “Cutts you beautiful man”! Compliments like those would naturally massage the ego of any man and Mr. Cutts is naturally no different.

That actually brings me on to my next point. With all those compliments and the massaging of ego, it naturally would beg the question why would one shave such magnificence on their face off their face?

Well, that’s what Cutts did the very next day. I mean how many more compliments do you want? His actions left me completely dumbfounded, (that’s, to put it mildly). I wasn’t the only one to be left in a state of disbelief by the top dog’s actions.

My colleagues were equally as shocked as I was. The previous day, all Mr Cutts received was glowing praise and admiration from all, but the day after he committed the despicable act (shaving his beard) it appeared obvious that nature was out to teach Andrew a lesson.

Andy himself was looking for the admiration from those very same people that he was getting from the people the day before, but I am sorry Andrew Cutts, I know you are a unique case of being someone who has powers of humour despite being clean shaven, but it went to show that even you need a beard to be relevant.

You were surprised when you received the admiration of the people one day, but not the next, but don’t be surprised by such a reaction. The Beard makes you, and you don’t make it ….. Do not forget that my soldiers!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.