So when do you know you have a big beard? (Satire)

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, as always I say I hope you’re well and looking after your beards.

My brothers, I am sure you remember when I was going through the painful ordeal of being reduced to the life of a short bearded man. If you don’t then it’s that you don’t actually read my blog (have shame bearded one … just joking – but read my blog).

Bearded Soldiers, you will remember the painful ordeal I talked about and the misery that I felt, the moment it sunk that I cut it too short. There was a lot to sink in that day, including my beard hair! *whaling* (even though I told a cracking pun if I say so myself).

Thankfully, my Bearded Companions, the Bearded ease has come after the Bearded hardship, my beard is longer again! How do I define a long beard I hear you ask? Don’t worry young Bearded one, your Captain is here.

To define a long beard is simple and if these few examples apply to you then congratulations my Bearded brethren, you’re a long beard! Now, only the select few and the pinnacle of beards grow the Merlin beard (a long beard, very long but immaculate in its maintenance).

So the first sign of when your beard has gone long is when you see it puff out on the sides. With a short beard, you wouldn’t have that problem. Let me guess? You too have also tried to “comb” your beard with your hand or aggressively pat down your facial pride and joy.

If this isn’t one sign, there is of course food now getting stuck in there (what I call the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard). If you grow it long enough, you could probably keep your secret diary in there.

Another sign is when you feel your beard getting blown from side to side to side the wind, with a short beard your face just gets cold. Brothers, be sure to keep your comb with you and when your beard does get blown around, it’s not the end of the world.

Honourable mentions need to be mentioned for when you wash your face with a long beard and splash the water on your beard, the water stays there, with a short beard the water doesn’t stay it gets absorbed by the skin quicker.

Also, with a long beard, the beard hairs can sometimes come into your mouth without prior warning. Now, I know your beard smells nice, but it’s not edible so it won’t taste nice.

The last obvious sign for me though, however, is when you’re zipping up a coat and a jacket, you run the risk of your beard hair getting stuck in the zip as you do it. Does this happen with a short beard? No!
It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

 

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