The signs of the summer (satire)

Hello and good afternoon, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag bear of beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My Bearded Brothers, I pray you’re well and I pray you’re looking after your beards! My bearded beloved’s, I want to talk about an important issue, the issue of when you know it’s summer.

Now to sate the obvious, you know it’s summer when you look outside, see the sun in the sky and there’s no need to wear a coat.

In the winter, the woolly hats and neck warmers are dusted off but when summer comes, back to the bottom of the draw it goes.

My dear brothers, I want to talk about some subtle signs of when you know it’s summer time.

The first thing that comes to mind for me, is when you hear the melody tune coming from far far away, that sound usually means one thing … an ice cream van! In the winter, they seem like they go into hibernation.

When you sense the temperature outside reaches double figures, rest assured you will hear the melody tune and an engine roaring in the sunset coming into the sun, you will know it’s an ice cream van looking for kids who want ice cream.

I am not talking about, in the back of the van stuff there, just thought I would clarify.

Other signs of the summer is you will see people more happy. Obviously when it’s Christmas time, everyone is beaming on the outside and in, but when it’s summer time .. the happiness is different, it just is.

Men, will be walking around with their t-shirts off and bare chested, sorry let me correct that comment, it usually tends to be the boys who go topless when the temperature reaches double figures.

The men from Newcastle, aren’t afraid to take their shirt off even when it’s minus temperature!

Stating the obvious, with this next example, but people tend to dust off the sunglasses in the summer time.

There’s only one person, who truly rocks the sunglasses and that’s the Phons in Happy Days. No one and I mean no one makes sunglasses look good quite like he does, Hey! *in Phonsy voice*

True story, I realised the wife of a TV presenter, came to my dad’s shop and in the winter I saw her and he daughter with sunglasses on and yes it looked really weird. Summer won’t be summer, if you don’t bring out the shorts from the bottom depths of the wardrobe.

In the winter, legs are locked up till lunch! In the summer, those bad boys are whipped out for the world to see.

Fellas, just make sure those legs aren’t crusty or even skinny! If you’re bringing those legs out of the wilderness, no one wants to see crusty legs or skinny ones.

Images like those scar the average man for years on end. My sister, my God haver mercy on her soul, would tease my by saying I had ‘lady legs’.

Fellas, if your leg game isn’t up to it, hit the gym and don’t skip leg day! Not chicken leg day, no I mean the quads, hamstrings, calves and quads need working.

Last but not least, in my opinion one of the signs that tells you it’s summer time is when fizzy drinks go in the freezer.

Brothers, don’t do what I did and leave it in the freezer for too long, because you would be greeted with an ice explosion and burst plastic bottle with unprecedented amount of ice everywhere.

Entering that scene, you would have thought it was part of the Antarctic, but no it was just my kitchen!

On that note brothers, there is a list of the signs of when you know it’s summer time. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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Chelsea sack Frank Lampard

Chelsea manager Frank Lampard, has been sacked after 18 months in charge at Stamford Bridge.

Former midfielder Lampard who took over the reigns in West London after the departure of former boss Maurizio Sarri, leaves his role with the club ninth in the Premier League.

It’s been reported that former PSG manager Thomas Tuchel, is in line to take over at the West London club.

Frank Lampard’s job has been in jeopardy for some time, especially after looking like he hadn’t been able to motivate a squad that had £200 million injected into it over the summer.

Having said that in my own humble opinion, in a previous article, which can be found here;

I feel it was a tad harsh to disperse of the services of manager Frank Lampard.

Thomas Tuchel, who himself was sacked by PSG, will be coming into the Stamford Bridge hotseat, with unfinished business at the highest level.

If Tuchel, is indeed appointed, this will mean another high profile manager will be hired, after the one before them was fired.

Can’t beat them join them?

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital and broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, (for those of you who are in England in particular) , will be experiencing the snow and bad weather. Brothers, with our beards this is what we have been waiting for all year.

Whereas, the clean shaven will be shivering their naked faces off, we can embrace this cold weather.

In the summer, they mock us and belittle us, but in times like this they feel our pain and in fact jump on the bearded band wagon. Wooly jumpers, thicker pants or t-shirts … one thing we don’t have to worry about brothers is a garment to warm our face.

They will think about shaving their faces, when the weather warms up, but that’s their bad because they will feel the cold twice as bad.

As you wear jumpers and neck warmers, brothers I will say (you’re reading this right) it’s ok to have a messy beard in this period.

Brothers, don’t get over carried away, but when things change … it’s back to normal. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.