The Bearded Warrior King

The Bearded Captain; Don’t Dye Your Beard In Any Colour Except Ginger!


Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, be proud of the colour of your beard and let nature take its path 🙂


Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well, in good health and in the process of growing beards! Before I get my teeth into today’s subject, I just want to say thank you for you guys being such wonderful soldiers and as your Bearded Captain, I am really honoured to be leading you guys.

Ok, mushy stuff out of the way, so the issue at hand then. The issue which I would like to raise today is this, the issue of the dying of the beard. Now, I know what you’re thinking but please hear me out, this issue does have some relevance, you’re going to have to take my word on that.

Now, the dying of hair is a topic that people might take lightly if they do no biggie, but as I have said before our beards are unique and this isn’t merely just “another issue”. As I have said time and time again, our beard’s are unique because when maintained correctly, they look magnificent!

Of course my bearded brothers, you already know that. So with that in mind, the need to preserve one’s beard is extremely necessary.  Yes, we have talked about combing and perfuming the beard, but I just feel this issue of the beard dye hasn’t been touched upon and it needs to be.

When someone dyes their hair, they use different colours, but when it comes to the beard let’s make this clear don’t dye it. Why I hear you ask? The reason is simple a beard grows naturally, so allow nature to take it’s path, the same applies to your natural beard hair colour too.

Blonde beard, green beard or blue beard just isn’t a good luck, but ginger is I have natural ginger strands in my beard hehe. Do I really need to explain why not dye your beard in any other colours except ginger? Let’s just say this if I do need to explain,  it makes me wonder are you seriously listening to your Bearded Captain and his advice?  …. You might have to take a long hard look at yourself O Bearded One.

The sharp-minded one’s amongst you will be thinking what about when I get older and my beard turns grey what do I do? Well after studying this particular topic long and hard as I devoured a Dixy burger ( bearded man’s best friend if you like), it came to my attention that it’s absolutely not allowed to dye a grey beard back to your natural hair colour. I hope that makes sense.

When the time comes for your beard to fully mature and turn grey, embrace the fact that it’s happened to you and that you have been chosen by the one who gave you your man fur in the first place.

If you hide your natural beard hair colour to the people, a question I would ask is are you hiding other stuff, are you truthful beard. I mean if it came to it, would you share your last piece of chicken with me? (yes I would share it with a bearded brother in case you’re wondering).

I will close on this point brothers, a beard is a thing of beauty. For some of you, you will live long enough for your beard to grow grey, that’s not a bad thing far from it …. embrace it, brothers! A grey beard shows wisdom and the right person will respect you for it, if they don’t you’re around the wrong people.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.


The Bearded Captain, With Some Real Talk


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Don’t undermine me 😉

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my soldiers are all well inshaaAllah. I know you missed me my bearded children, but worry not I hadn’t gone far!

Literally my bearded children your bearded commander and chief and I had some “things” to deal with. Don’t worry though my bearded kids, we dealt with it swiftly (like two bosses as well may I add).

Ok so without further waffle, I need to just raise an issue or two in this blog my bearded chums. A once obedient beard has decided to take a walk down the dark side, Mr Adam Malik.

A bearded etiquette usually permits me from naming a shameful beard, but after consultation with the commander and chief himself ( Mr Ahmed Rashid) we felt we just had no other option, but to name and shame him.

What’s his crime I hear you ask? Well, my bearded children, the crime *fights back the tears* is this …… Adam Malik thinks a Tea is a bearded beverage and a coffee is meh *bursts into tears*. Guys that’s like calling one of my family members and shaving one of their beards.

Sorry let me gather myself after that emotional roller coaster, guys please note that if you want to be seen as a credible beard to others then you must bear in mind that a coffee is a bearded beverage.

To further make Adam’s case worse, instead of apologizing he has only gone on made things worse by being proud of his actions! *grabs yet another tissue from a box of tissues that is fastly emptying itself*

The insulting behavior doesn’t even stop there …… “What’s wrong with one trilby” *starts crying again, just as loud*. What’s? …… What’s wrong with another trilby he says.

Adam Malik and any other beard who holds the same opinion, you can never have enough trilbys. A story within a story based on true events.

Me; “Hiya mate, you’re alright pal”. After seeing a weird look my way.

Guy; “Yeah am alright pal. Listen where did you get that trilby from it looks awesome”.

Me; No flattered said, ” Aww cheers mate, Tesco in Altrincham”. And the conversation was left as that and his jaw needed to be amended rumor has it, after being left in awe due to my man fur and trilby, Allah huma barik.

Guys, a bit of a sour blog post today and that’s Adam’s fault. Remember, yes I love you all, but I will not have to do such blogs if certain beards would know their role in the bearded kingdom. It’s over and out from your bearded captain.

The Bearded Commandments!


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence. Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments


Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray all my soldiers are ok inshaaAllah and are in the process of growing beards! Just like yesterday, I have an important issue to make you aware of, this my bearded brothers is the issue of The Bearded Commandments.

The Bearded Commandments is only available in  blog form (from this blog). There are several  bearded commandments, but don’t think I am over bearing you o bearded one. It’s simple, if you follow these bearded commandments, I promise you, inshaaAllah you will win in life.

Bearded brothers, I am a testament to the bearded commandments and again I thank The Commander and Chief for being such a good teacher to me. Yes, he did give me a lot of tough love which included a few demotions in the bearded ranks.

I can’t lie, it did hurt immensely, but it has made me the beard I am today (Gorgeous to men and women alike,Allah Huma Barik) and being a beacon if light through my beard. So below I will give you a list of The Bearded Commandments, which even myself as The Captain adheres to each and every day.

To not over burden you bearded brothers, I will give you a few commandments each day.

Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard; No But’s!

You might be surprised this is an actual commandment, but as discussed in yesterday’s post I have to mention this, it’s simple I can’t afford any more disloyal soldiers in the ranks.

If you shave your beard, you will lose your powers of seduction of the boys and girls, as well as your magic powers of making people laugh. If you become clean shaven, then you will just turn into a “normal guy”.

Bearded broother you are not just normal, you are unique and magnificent (MashaaAllah).

It goes without saying, you will have to buy your clothes from Baby Gap or Mothercare because you resemble the look of a baby and you will not be allowed into the men’s toilets either.

Bearded brother, it’s so much better to be different …. don’t be like sheep, rather be like the lone wolf, but you are the leader of the pack because the “wolfs” will follow you because of your beard, don’t forget this!

Thou Shall Give The Bigger Beard The Right Of Way ….. Always!

This law is quite simple really, if you are walking down a narrow road or in your car etc, you will give way to your big bearded brother. The reason is simple, shorter bearded one you haven’t attained the level of  patience of your longer bearded brother.

In The Bearded Commandments we don’t believe no race is superior to another, but having a longer beard has certain perks you won’t get with having a shorter beard. Failure to adhere to this rule would lead to not being able to sit near me at the  of the round table and furthermore you would have to sit as far as away from me as possible.

We are united by the beard brothers. I mentioned this before, you are a boss because of your beard. Remember this phrase and inscribe this into your hearts bearded brothers, “the beard made you who you are and you are nothing without your beard”

Thou Shall Carry A Comb In His Pocket Like He Does His Mobile Phone

Again this is another obvious rule, in the list of The Bearded Commandments. You must never forget your comb, ever! As mentioned in a previous blog, your beard messy is like a rough diamond, a diamond isn’t beautiful rough so why allow your man fur to be like such?

A well-groomed beard is what gives you your man powers and this is what makes you win at life and be nearly as funny as I am. When you leave your phone at home, that sinking feeling follows …. leaving your comb at home is much worse than that.

“It’s only 20p and you can get some from the £1 shop”,is a comment which I will not be tolerated, no sir!  Bearded brother the last time some one said that, guess what happened? That person wasn’t  mentioned  for 30 days. They were not to be sat with or their food  to be shared with for 30 days either.

Cherish your comb, it’s an unsung hero in your life due to the beard being well combed, you will have to wear special beardy glasses to protect yourself from your eyes being damaged, if you look at a fellow beard directly.

Bearded soldiers, worry not if you follow these rules to start with, the other rules will come naturally. If you become a better beard, you will have become a better man


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence

inshaaAllah. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.


The Bearded Captain; With the beard comes responsibility


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence. David Hunter take note

Hello and greetings my soldiers,it’s me again, The Bearded Captain. As your bearded captain I thank you for being such brilliant soldiers, you know what I say, a captain is as good as his soldiers and you people are lovely soldiers to be responsible of.

Ok, that’s the mushy stuff out of the way. Please note The Bearded Captain works on a “tough love” policy. With that in mind, I am sorry to say fellow bearded brothers, one of your soldiers has let you down, us all down.

Brace yourselves guys ……. I know of someone who has shaved his beard off *fights back the tears*. As I struggle to write this, containing the emotions are very difficult at this point, but I am The Bearded Captain, a leader needs to be tough no matter what.

Know my fellow bearded brothers I love you, but for the scared bond that is the beard, I will not, I repeat not! Totlerate people shaving their beards off. As a consequence, clean shaven Judas you will now be called Davina and will only be allowed to use the ladies toilets.

No sir, you are the one who ignored the first command of The Bearded Commandments. Thou shall not shave his beard! No ifs and buts …. period! As I have discusssed before a beard teaches us to be patient and loyal, ladies if you see this man know if he can cheat on his face, he can cheat on you too ….. you’re welcome.

I need to show strong leadership, but to say I am devastated is an under statement. I had hopes of you my son, but you let yourself down, your family down, your cats down and the neighbours cats down! Stating the obvious you let  your own face down as well as your bearded brothers, you let them down too, some are distraught .

Cats may have nine lives, but they lost them all in that one instance when they found out you removed your man fur, due the utter grief and sadness you have caused them (the cats). “It’s hot” and “I will grow it back again” just won’t wash with me …. nope, even if I do love you, sorry did love you.

You can’t eat with us at the men’s table, you will have to eat with the children because you look like a child. This is your fault, but fortunately for you, as I am kind Bearded Captain you will have the chance to redeem yourself, but be patient young one …. you need to re-learn the value of patience.

You were one of my excellent soldiers and keys to the kingdom were not too far away. I mean you wore the suit every day and you looked good when you wore the Cuban Pimp hat, but you have forgotten your roots and the value of good things coming to those who wait.

David Hunter, you have broken my heart, I will have to make an example of you like I am doing to show that no one is above The Bearded Commandments.

I was like you once, young and naive …. but I have to do this. Maybe I didn’t tell you The Bearded Commandments, but I told you the golden rule(Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard). Due to the seriousness of the crime, (shaving your beard). I will have to consult The Commander and Chief Ahmed Rashid in regards to this, such is the seriousness of the matter. Yes, I maybe The Bearded Captain, but even I know my rank. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!

The Bearded Captain Here To Address An Issue


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. A little tribute to our bearded grandfather, the Cuban Fidel Castro.


Hello, greetings it’s me again your bearded captain. I hope all my bearded brethren are ok inshaaAllah. I have an issue that has been playing on my mind, no it’s not when I become the Bearded President of the United States Of Beardland inshaaAllah that’s a case of when rather than if.

No my fellow bearded brothers, it’s the issue of the comb and the maintenance of the beard. I have to apologise (even Bearded Kings need to be humble sometimes). The reason for the apology is this, I am sure after reading this blog, the clean shaven amongst you in their 10’s have started to grow a beard but haven’t known how to handle the addition to his life (the beard).

My clean shaven “friend” who is starting his journey in growing a beard, this blog is for you I guess. Despair not when you first grow your beard, if you are in the right environment (alongside fellow beards) then all worries will vanish. If however you are amongst clean shaven men, I fear for your masculinity, and if that’s the case The Bearded Captain says ….. get new friends!

So we have to deal with the issue at hand, how to maintain the beard . This is something that shouldn’t make you loose sleep bearded one, no sir …. as a bearded individual we embrace all challenges!

As I mentioned before, bearded brothers comb your beard and make it sparkle! If you want to get back in the “game”, believe me she doesn’t care about your dead end job …. she is woowed by that man fur.

But Bearded Prince, just because you have a woman in the palm of your hand don’t get arrogant, yes you maybe  almost as funny as me … but this is because of the magical powers of your beard and by reading these blogs.

We beardies are gentlemen, if women in their 10’s maybe 100’s show intrest in you, deal with it like a boss, but be a keeper …. the beard teaches you to be loyal and have patience in life. Bearded one, now you are winning at life (because you have a beard) don’t blow it with a  comment that a clean shaven man would be heard saying.

A man with a messy beard is like a rough diamond, but we need to ensure we keep the diamond shining. So going to the beard salon is a must. At the beard salon you are excused to act like a diva because your beard is your flag bearer, so much so that if you were to beshipwrecked, rumour has it a guy can see the radiation of his fellow bearded brother’s beard and this will help him to get to shore if there was ever a state of emergency of that nature.

Not too short, not too long …. you can be excused on this occasion when you’re at the beard salon to expect to act like a prima donna, but the longer the better (in my opinion). I heard there is a new Harry Potter film due to release soon, maybe stardom could even be awaiting you …. because of your beard!

The Bearded Captain leaves you with this bit of advice, perfume your beard (Mont Blanc Legend is a perfume I prefer to use) and even use hairwax. When I was a Bearded Prince, my choice was David Beckham’s hair wax, but now I mainly use beard oil. I think it’s fair to say I have given you a lot of advice over these past few days young bearded one.

PS please note I am from Manchester, emphasis on the MAN- chester. For those of you who don’t want to embrace the inner man (grow a beard) , but live in my city, please note the city of Womanchester is only 20 minutes away. There you might feel at home, anyway It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Today, will go down as a tribute to our bearded grandfather from Cuba, Fidel Castro.


A Day In The Life Of The Bearded King


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence


Bearded magnificence, doesn’t come to all naturally. Some are born with it, some have to take special measures to allow the man fur to come into their lives. If you are Asian like me, this isn’t usually the case, we seem to have face on our hair as soon as we come out of our mother’s wombs.

Alhamdulillah, to be The Bearded Prince (or King in my case), The Bearded Knight In Shining Armour, my journey to be The Bearded King of my kingdom took years of patience and “you should shave this off, coz you look ugly”.

Hold on Mrs Hamilton, no need to get jealous because your facial hair isn’t as good as mine Allah Huma Barik. To get your facial hair as good as mine, first thing let it grow (Alhamdulillah) and second allow the inner man to take over.

Stating the obvious you might think, you think right but you will be surprised for how many men ignore this fact and take the easy route out (shaving). Fellas no no, just don’t it’s just not worth it!

I know you fellas love to be the top dog in front of the lads and the centre of attention in front of the ladies. With a simple ingredient fellas (a beard) walla this can be accomplished! You may have an itchy face and want to scratch so hard you have scars, but the right chick will know you’re a patient one and that you’re a keeper.

The facial hair is not enough, it’s all fair and well having your new bearded companion as well as the comb, but you need that self belief. So, fellow bearded men, women (actual women and clean-shaven men) let me tell you about my day.

It started off simple enough, you know the usual come into work to the preisdential welcome,let people that they can get my signed autograph at 11am, you know just the usual.

Why such the comotion over me, I am not saying it’s due to my facial hair, (but it is). The carefree attitude I have and the non-stop banter are key elements to being The Bearded King being able to rule his kingdom.

Walking the walk is one thing, but no sir you need to have the self belief when talking to people too. Me sir, Alhamdulillah when I talk they love to laugh it’s like my words are like as magical  as my facial hair.

Bearded fellas let them know (non bearded imposters) who is the king of the castle. To grow such magnificence on your face signifies, you are confident who you are. With this confidence with speaking and in real life, to keep the chicks at bay, even for the strongest and devout men can be hard.

A beard is 99% attitude  (this could include some slick head wear *see image*)and 1% actually growing it, but 110% magnificent. My day Alhamdulillah was awesome because I have Allah and my beard, along side the comb (second wife) and beard oil (the mistress), what else do you need in life?

PS Jack my Bearded Prince carries beard oil and he will follow in my footsteps if I retire, but can you actually retire from being this awesome and having such awesome facial hair ? (mashaaAllah) . Boys and girls I think not.