Hello and greetings my soldiers,it’s me again, The Bearded Captain. As your bearded captain I thank you for being such brilliant soldiers, you know what I say, a captain is as good as his soldiers and you people are lovely soldiers to be responsible of.
Ok, that’s the mushy stuff out of the way. Please note The Bearded Captain works on a “tough love” policy. With that in mind, I am sorry to say fellow bearded brothers, one of your soldiers has let you down, us all down.
Brace yourselves guys ……. I know of someone who has shaved his beard off *fights back the tears*. As I struggle to write this, containing the emotions are very difficult at this point, but I am The Bearded Captain, a leader needs to be tough no matter what.
Know my fellow bearded brothers I love you, but for the scared bond that is the beard, I will not, I repeat not! Totlerate people shaving their beards off. As a consequence, clean shaven Judas you will now be called Davina and will only be allowed to use the ladies toilets.
No sir, you are the one who ignored the first command of The Bearded Commandments. Thou shall not shave his beard! No ifs and buts …. period! As I have discusssed before a beard teaches us to be patient and loyal, ladies if you see this man know if he can cheat on his face, he can cheat on you too ….. you’re welcome.
I need to show strong leadership, but to say I am devastated is an under statement. I had hopes of you my son, but you let yourself down, your family down, your cats down and the neighbours cats down! Stating the obvious you let your own face down as well as your bearded brothers, you let them down too, some are distraught .
Cats may have nine lives, but they lost them all in that one instance when they found out you removed your man fur, due the utter grief and sadness you have caused them (the cats). “It’s hot” and “I will grow it back again” just won’t wash with me …. nope, even if I do love you, sorry did love you.
You can’t eat with us at the men’s table, you will have to eat with the children because you look like a child. This is your fault, but fortunately for you, as I am kind Bearded Captain you will have the chance to redeem yourself, but be patient young one …. you need to re-learn the value of patience.
You were one of my excellent soldiers and keys to the kingdom were not too far away. I mean you wore the suit every day and you looked good when you wore the Cuban Pimp hat, but you have forgotten your roots and the value of good things coming to those who wait.
David Hunter, you have broken my heart, I will have to make an example of you like I am doing to show that no one is above The Bearded Commandments.
I was like you once, young and naive …. but I have to do this. Maybe I didn’t tell you The Bearded Commandments, but I told you the golden rule(Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard). Due to the seriousness of the crime, (shaving your beard). I will have to consult The Commander and Chief Ahmed Rashid in regards to this, such is the seriousness of the matter. Yes, I maybe The Bearded Captain, but even I know my rank. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain!
The Bearded Captain 