The Bearded Prince

The Bearded Captain; Clean Shaven Men Can’t Have Man Flu


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of yourselves, man flu season is upon us.


Hello and greetings from your bearded captain. I pray all my soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are looking after their beards, the way they should be looked after. My bearded soldiers, my bearded children whenever I do these (blogs), as you know there’s a reason as to why I do them.

So as for today, the reason why  I want to write this blog, is to address the issue of man flu. As you know boys and girls, man flu is the “deadly bug” which is caused by regular flu. Now when I say regular flu, what I mean is the flu what ladies get or …… the thing that resembles ladies  …… clean shaven men, if you can even call them that.

Now let’s get this clear. Clean shaven “men” is an imperfect sentence. Why do I say this? Hmm let me think, since when are real men clean shaven? The clean shaven look similar to women, we’re not women brothers, we are men so embrace the inner man!

Anyway, slightly digressed there …. sorry about that. Today’s issue is about man flu. Yes, we men are subjected to a lot of torrent abuse the “O it’s just a sniffle” and the “O it will get better in a few days”.

Ladies, we need you to be more understanding. Yes, I know I have said that a beard is a man’s face scarf, but man flu is our body’s way of saying it thinks we’re magnificent. Well, I can’t disagree there. Yes, I maybe The Bearded Captain and an excellent Captain at that, but my soldiers please listen very carefully.

Don’t let the women folk tell you any different, man flu is a real thing and there was a proposal that man flu is treated under the NHS. I mean as good as that proposal was, that doesn’t go far enough!

I am not calling beardophobia *calls beardophobia* but I think there’s a lack of bearded equality. Those clean shaven imposters of men, have half of the symptoms of man flu, due to them being mistaken for looking like men, but don’t be fooled real men have beards!

Man flu is one of the most contagious forms of flu known to a man. There’s bird flu, swine flu and for the clean shaven Jessie’s there’s whine flu, but man flu really does top the lot.

Why is it so contagious? Well, only real men will know why … I know a beard has a lot of powers, but not even a beard can fight the man flu. When man flu is ready to leave your body after 6 months experts say (me) then you can carry on being awesome like normal.

I personally think we should be allowed to go to the bearded paradise (Dubai) and relax until your man flu decides to love you and leave you.

Such have been the powers of my man flu, a manager at work told me that my beard was messy …. and she was right, as I have been under the weather it has been suffering from some neglect, so even The Bearded Captain can have an off day …… on the rare occasions.

I will leave you with this, man flu is dangerous its symptoms gives you headaches, a “cough, and runny nose”. Mock us all you want, but I wouldn’t even wish man flu on my own worst enemy (clean shaven Jessie).

My bearded soldiers, look after yourselves this man flu can defeat out bodies, but it won’t defeat our bearded freedom! It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain, With Some Real Talk


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Don’t undermine me 😉

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray my soldiers are all well inshaaAllah. I know you missed me my bearded children, but worry not I hadn’t gone far!

Literally my bearded children your bearded commander and chief and I had some “things” to deal with. Don’t worry though my bearded kids, we dealt with it swiftly (like two bosses as well may I add).

Ok so without further waffle, I need to just raise an issue or two in this blog my bearded chums. A once obedient beard has decided to take a walk down the dark side, Mr Adam Malik.

A bearded etiquette usually permits me from naming a shameful beard, but after consultation with the commander and chief himself ( Mr Ahmed Rashid) we felt we just had no other option, but to name and shame him.

What’s his crime I hear you ask? Well, my bearded children, the crime *fights back the tears* is this …… Adam Malik thinks a Tea is a bearded beverage and a coffee is meh *bursts into tears*. Guys that’s like calling one of my family members and shaving one of their beards.

Sorry let me gather myself after that emotional roller coaster, guys please note that if you want to be seen as a credible beard to others then you must bear in mind that a coffee is a bearded beverage.

To further make Adam’s case worse, instead of apologizing he has only gone on made things worse by being proud of his actions! *grabs yet another tissue from a box of tissues that is fastly emptying itself*

The insulting behavior doesn’t even stop there …… “What’s wrong with one trilby” *starts crying again, just as loud*. What’s? …… What’s wrong with another trilby he says.

Adam Malik and any other beard who holds the same opinion, you can never have enough trilbys. A story within a story based on true events.

Me; “Hiya mate, you’re alright pal”. After seeing a weird look my way.

Guy; “Yeah am alright pal. Listen where did you get that trilby from it looks awesome”.

Me; No flattered said, ” Aww cheers mate, Tesco in Altrincham”. And the conversation was left as that and his jaw needed to be amended rumor has it, after being left in awe due to my man fur and trilby, Allah huma barik.

Guys, a bit of a sour blog post today and that’s Adam’s fault. Remember, yes I love you all, but I will not have to do such blogs if certain beards would know their role in the bearded kingdom. It’s over and out from your bearded captain.

The Bearded Captain’s Guide Of What To Wear


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that inshaaAllah you’re all well. Since I love you so much, and I know the feeling is mutual ;). Boys and girls I have another instalment or insight from my wonderful mind and I give you today’s instalment from The Bearded Captain …… The Bearded Attire, or The Beardtire!

My bearded brothers, my bearded soldiers your training is getting more intense, now it’s the business end of your training. Thanks to my excellent leadership (if I may say so myself), your learning and development to be a good beard is improving.

Let’s recap what we have gone through so far, ok so I have taught you several things, I have taught you how to be a better beard for sure, but to be more specific I have taught you The Bearded Commandments. The Bearded Commandments, must be obeyed if they are not, how can you call yourself a true beard?

Other things we have discussed were how to get in the game, well that’s simple grow a beard that’s the best way to start, but make sure you’re funny and have that swag factor, gentlemen factor like me *adjusts his trilby, like a boss *. Make sure you keep yourself in good bearded company, the last thing you want is for your masculinity to go and your self-respect by going clean shaven. O dear *shudders at the thought*.

Thankfully though, you guys know the consequences of going clean shaven. (Being forced to buy your clothes from Mothercare, Baby Gap and Zara). No no! This is what you will get if you want to make your face look like a women’s or that of a girl!

After that lengthy recap I want to go on to today’s issue, how you should dress as a bearded soldier. Just like with the other steps bearded one, I don’t command or shall I say the beard doesn’t command you to be extra flamboyant.

I know what you’re thinking, what if I hit the town and I see this hot chick? Bearded Dude! One if this happens, you be calm and don’t act like a muppet! And two you let your beard do the talking. Remember if you perfume your beard (man fur) and keep it well gromed, chicks love that. Why won’t they?

Guys, what not to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Trackies is a no no. Guys this can pass off as a guy who “can’t be bothered”. If you want to pick up a chick that way, go on Jeremy Kyle I am sure he has loads of women who like that thing. Anyway back to my point of what not to wear. Hoodies, have to be approved by myself or The Commander and Chief.

Ties aren’t allowed either, only a select few. The reason why I say about the tie is that certain ties could threaten to upstage your man fur, *gasps for breath*. Your beard is the shining light of any dark room and shines brighter than any ladies beautiful smile. That says a lot about what the beard brings to the table.

Combats should be worn either, they just look unbeardy like. People with poorly maintained beards wear combats, we’re not poorly maintained beards!

Guys, what  to wear in terms of Bearded Attire.

Shirts are acceptable, but nothing too flowery ….. guys we are men! We don’t want to act like Dale Winton!  ……. a clean shaven jesse. Wide collar shirts are fine, but guys please no stupid colours.

In terms of footwear trainers are acceptable, but please your common sense. No Aasics trainers, I don’t really need to explain why. Suit shoes, boat shoes are fine but be wary of Timberland boots.  Me as your Captain, I wear a traditional garment called a Thobe, Chick Magnet or The Bearded Emperor’s Robe. (Sorry forgot to say that I am the aire to The  Bearded Emperor’s throne, which is currently occupied by the Retired Bearded Commander and soon to be retired Bearded Emperor Daddy Malik).

Fancy head wear is a must, it help you look like the bees knees. What the head wear should be is something that makes you look like a king with in yourself. For example a trilby or a snapback will do the trick.

So guys, I know this was an information packed blog, but I am a loving and caring captain. Rememeber guys ” A beard is 1% growth 99% atttidue and 110%, with the ability to make people laugh”.

There’s no point of having a face worth a million dollars due to your man fur, but then not have the dress sense to match. Where’s the sense in that? Guys yes I know you will be a babe magnet because of your man fur and your confidence has grown because of your man fur, but please your beard can walk out on your face.

Just like all the things we have gone through with the life of being a beard, I am showing I care. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.


The Bearded Captain; The Bearded Commandements


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, please learn The Bearded Commandments

Hello and greetings from the bearded captain. I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah. Even as your captain, I must apologise and say that sorry for not being “around”.

You see the thing is, I was just testing you all to see how you would react when there’s no one around. Would the mice come out to play, when the top cat is away? You have answered this with an emphatic yes!

Hence why I am needing to do this bearded address, or beardress? (Thanks I am here all night) . Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman I need to add some more commandments to The Bearded Commandments. As discussed before this isn’t designed to burden you o bearded one, no! Rather the opposite, it’s meant to make your bearded life easy.

The Bearded Commandments will be 10, but as I said before they’re designed to not over burden you, my son. O contrary sir, O contrary. My young bearded soldier, remember The Bearded Pledge, you need to remember this because if you become a better beard, you become a better man, yes sir!

What is The Bearded Pledge? I hear you ask, young bearded one it is this, “A  beard is 1% growth 99% attitude and the ability to make people laugh and smile”, you won’t be as funny as me or as much of a charmer of the boys and girls like myself 😉  …. it’s best I tell you now so you don’t heart broken later on life. You should stroke your beard with a comb when you say the pledge in a ponderous wizardry manner even.

Ok, so boys and girls here are The  Bearded Commandments in full;

1. Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard (obvious I know but, yeah)
2.Thou shall give the bigger beard way (unless I come into the equation 😉  hehe.

3.Thou shall not forget his comb-like he would never forget his mobile phone.

4. *Thou shall perfume his beard and ensure it’s well groomed making sure it’s combed, neat and not wavy*.

*A wavy beard shows a man who lacks direction in life. If his beard goes in so many directions, how do you expect this guy to have direction in life? Ladies, you’re welcome, the other point about perfuming your beard ….. well that’s simple really, the beard is the most important part of the body.

5. Thou shall give another bearded brother a running bro hug if he compliments his beard in public. (Please note if a clean shave compliments your beard just only gives him a high-five in extreme circumstances, but a “cheers thanks mate”, should suffice.

6. Thou shall treat his woman with respect the same way he treats his beard with respect. (guys remember, you need your beard, not the other way round, PS ladies, if you see a man who has a beard know he is patient one and if you see his beard well cared for, know that he will care for you with all his heart too ….. you’re welcome).

7. Don’t directly look at another beard for more than five seconds without your Beardy ray glasses. (This is for health and safety. The man fur when well looked after, mashaaAllah it’s beautiful and is like a shining light).

8.  Thou shall straighten his beard once every three months, why so long? No, it’s not long if you look after it of course.

9. Thou shall not allow his beardy celebrity status get to get to his head, (be humble and don’t forget your beginnings, we were all clean shaven once. I know it’s tough to imagine, sorry to bring this up, but rules are rules ).

10. A beard, it’s not for girls. (Sorry I am not sexist, but I have had a few females on my social media in the past applying to be a bearded soldiers. Sorry ladies, it’s “bearded brothers” not sisters. )

If we follow these rules to start, one will live an easy life. Know that being a beard isn’t about growing facial hair. Some disobedient beards have shaved their beards off ! *Gasps for air* sorry guys, but it’s true. His punishment will be a good old donkey scrub in front of the beards he betrayed, this is the punishment if you don’t follow the first commandment.

Us beards, not only are we good beards, but we are good people too, don’t forget this. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain Here To Address An Issue


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. A little tribute to our bearded grandfather, the Cuban Fidel Castro.


Hello, greetings it’s me again your bearded captain. I hope all my bearded brethren are ok inshaaAllah. I have an issue that has been playing on my mind, no it’s not when I become the Bearded President of the United States Of Beardland inshaaAllah that’s a case of when rather than if.

No my fellow bearded brothers, it’s the issue of the comb and the maintenance of the beard. I have to apologise (even Bearded Kings need to be humble sometimes). The reason for the apology is this, I am sure after reading this blog, the clean shaven amongst you in their 10’s have started to grow a beard but haven’t known how to handle the addition to his life (the beard).

My clean shaven “friend” who is starting his journey in growing a beard, this blog is for you I guess. Despair not when you first grow your beard, if you are in the right environment (alongside fellow beards) then all worries will vanish. If however you are amongst clean shaven men, I fear for your masculinity, and if that’s the case The Bearded Captain says ….. get new friends!

So we have to deal with the issue at hand, how to maintain the beard . This is something that shouldn’t make you loose sleep bearded one, no sir …. as a bearded individual we embrace all challenges!

As I mentioned before, bearded brothers comb your beard and make it sparkle! If you want to get back in the “game”, believe me she doesn’t care about your dead end job …. she is woowed by that man fur.

But Bearded Prince, just because you have a woman in the palm of your hand don’t get arrogant, yes you maybe  almost as funny as me … but this is because of the magical powers of your beard and by reading these blogs.

We beardies are gentlemen, if women in their 10’s maybe 100’s show intrest in you, deal with it like a boss, but be a keeper …. the beard teaches you to be loyal and have patience in life. Bearded one, now you are winning at life (because you have a beard) don’t blow it with a  comment that a clean shaven man would be heard saying.

A man with a messy beard is like a rough diamond, but we need to ensure we keep the diamond shining. So going to the beard salon is a must. At the beard salon you are excused to act like a diva because your beard is your flag bearer, so much so that if you were to beshipwrecked, rumour has it a guy can see the radiation of his fellow bearded brother’s beard and this will help him to get to shore if there was ever a state of emergency of that nature.

Not too short, not too long …. you can be excused on this occasion when you’re at the beard salon to expect to act like a prima donna, but the longer the better (in my opinion). I heard there is a new Harry Potter film due to release soon, maybe stardom could even be awaiting you …. because of your beard!

The Bearded Captain leaves you with this bit of advice, perfume your beard (Mont Blanc Legend is a perfume I prefer to use) and even use hairwax. When I was a Bearded Prince, my choice was David Beckham’s hair wax, but now I mainly use beard oil. I think it’s fair to say I have given you a lot of advice over these past few days young bearded one.

PS please note I am from Manchester, emphasis on the MAN- chester. For those of you who don’t want to embrace the inner man (grow a beard) , but live in my city, please note the city of Womanchester is only 20 minutes away. There you might feel at home, anyway It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Today, will go down as a tribute to our bearded grandfather from Cuba, Fidel Castro.


The Day Of The Bearded Captain; Cuban Pimp Day


Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. Today, will go down as Cuban Pimp day. Bearded brothers rejoice!


Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain,I hope all my soldiers are doing well and are in the process of growing beards, if you haven’t already. So let me tell you about my day, I know you’re dying to know about it!

To tell you about my day today, I have to make a mention of the day before. It started with a very random decision for me to “suit up!” I mentioned this to my colleague and with a look of confusion, he just politely smiled at the suggestion.

So the first thing to note here, when The Bearded Captain says he’s going to suit up, he isn’t joking. This is something I don’t joke about, I can joke about anything else, but the suit is like the bearded body armour and tops of The Bearded Captain look, alongside the trilby of course.

As previously mentioned fellow bearded men, you are now irresistible to men and women alike, so you need to have the right mind to deal with it like I do. So after waking up and going to McDonald’s with my bestie Joseph (in the Cuban Pimp look as well I must add), the admiring looks were many, so be cool calm and collected this is a must.

A walk with a bit of swag and the look that you’re the boss is natural, but don’t make it too obvious to the no doubt admiring public.

With the looks of the ultimate man mashaaAllah and the panache of a Cuban Pimp, glances were many and comments of awe were many too. Fellow beardy, be calm in such situations, you wouldn’t be in such a situation if it wasn’t for your man fur. It doesn’t need you, no no …. you need it!

So into work I walked, wary of the jaws dropping with my elegance and Va Va Voom mashaaAllah. “You look sharp” and “you look nice” comments followed, but alhamdulillah I know.

The comment which topped it off, though, was this one “you look like a sugar daddy”, my dear I am the daddy …. there’s a difference. Why I make such a statement, that is due to the empowerment that the man fur gives me (Allah huma barik).

Fellow beardy’s, today in work was dress down day, but in the life of The Bearded Captain, one doesn’t do dress down. The only time one does dress down is when everyone dresses up. Bearded Prince of mine, be proud of being different!

We are unique, there’s a difference. Not many people in life, are prepared to make a sacrifice (keeping a beard), but the satisfaction of accompishing something, makes it all worth it. I can’t keep doing these blogs, without mentioning The Bearded Captain’s mentor The Commander and Chief (Alpha) ….. Ahmed Rashid.

Now we have mentioned about needing an attitude to grow the beard, boys and girls my teacher (The Commander and Chief) has played a pivotal role in making me the beard I am today.

The Bearded Captain, leaves you with this piece of advice, never forget your beginnings bearded brethren. Today  (25th November) will go down in the calendar as Cuban Pimp day, fellow bearded brothers on this day, be sure to suit up!

A Day In The Life Of The Bearded King


Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence


Bearded magnificence, doesn’t come to all naturally. Some are born with it, some have to take special measures to allow the man fur to come into their lives. If you are Asian like me, this isn’t usually the case, we seem to have face on our hair as soon as we come out of our mother’s wombs.

Alhamdulillah, to be The Bearded Prince (or King in my case), The Bearded Knight In Shining Armour, my journey to be The Bearded King of my kingdom took years of patience and “you should shave this off, coz you look ugly”.

Hold on Mrs Hamilton, no need to get jealous because your facial hair isn’t as good as mine Allah Huma Barik. To get your facial hair as good as mine, first thing let it grow (Alhamdulillah) and second allow the inner man to take over.

Stating the obvious you might think, you think right but you will be surprised for how many men ignore this fact and take the easy route out (shaving). Fellas no no, just don’t it’s just not worth it!

I know you fellas love to be the top dog in front of the lads and the centre of attention in front of the ladies. With a simple ingredient fellas (a beard) walla this can be accomplished! You may have an itchy face and want to scratch so hard you have scars, but the right chick will know you’re a patient one and that you’re a keeper.

The facial hair is not enough, it’s all fair and well having your new bearded companion as well as the comb, but you need that self belief. So, fellow bearded men, women (actual women and clean-shaven men) let me tell you about my day.

It started off simple enough, you know the usual come into work to the preisdential welcome,let people that they can get my signed autograph at 11am, you know just the usual.

Why such the comotion over me, I am not saying it’s due to my facial hair, (but it is). The carefree attitude I have and the non-stop banter are key elements to being The Bearded King being able to rule his kingdom.

Walking the walk is one thing, but no sir you need to have the self belief when talking to people too. Me sir, Alhamdulillah when I talk they love to laugh it’s like my words are like as magical  as my facial hair.

Bearded fellas let them know (non bearded imposters) who is the king of the castle. To grow such magnificence on your face signifies, you are confident who you are. With this confidence with speaking and in real life, to keep the chicks at bay, even for the strongest and devout men can be hard.

A beard is 99% attitude  (this could include some slick head wear *see image*)and 1% actually growing it, but 110% magnificent. My day Alhamdulillah was awesome because I have Allah and my beard, along side the comb (second wife) and beard oil (the mistress), what else do you need in life?

PS Jack my Bearded Prince carries beard oil and he will follow in my footsteps if I retire, but can you actually retire from being this awesome and having such awesome facial hair ? (mashaaAllah) . Boys and girls I think not.