Coronavirus

Why you don’t call me Captain Birds Eye explained

Hello good morning and greetings my Bearded Soldiers. It’s me Bearded Captain leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards on digital media.

I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

My brothers what I want to talk about here is the issue of just why you don’t call me Captain Birdseye.

Now those of you who don’t know who Captain Birdseye is, he is a fictional character based on the frozen food brand.

Or maybe I should say there’s a frozen food brand called Captain Birdseye and their adverts which depict a fictional character who plays Captain Birdseye.

It must be stated my title is the Bearded Captain. So naturally if you call me Captain Birdseye we’re going to fall out.

Also Captain Birdseye looks like uncle Albert from on the fools and horses. And no sir I do not look like Uncle Albert from only fools and horses.

That’s the exact point uncle Albert is a more elder statesman of society. Me? I’m still 34 years young Sir.

Also it must be stated Captain Birdseye is a captain of his own ship but he has no affiliation to beard life so he cannot represent us.

Calling me Captain Birdseye it’s like calling me Captain Morgan just why? Guys there is a few rules when it comes to me.

Never insult my facial hair and know that I will still tell jokes, no matter how terrible you think they are.

Any other authentic compliments course will never go amiss. But there you go my brothers my bearded beloved’s.

It’s over and out from the Bearded Captain stay blessed stay in beard!

The “joys” of being a couple

Hello and good evening my Bearded brothers. My name is Ayyaz Malik, aka The Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital and broadcasting media.

I am that beard who tries to make people laugh and the beard that tries to make people smile. My bearded beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue.

This my brothers, is the issue of being in a relationship ( a couple). Now, for the benefit of this blog, I want to talk about a hetro-sexual relationship. Why? Well the women folk they’re a “lovely bunch”.

I think you can sense the sarcasm in my writing tone. The woman is always right notion is like the customer is always right theory, in both cases neither usually is.

But to keep the peace, in both circumstance you say ok to save the headache. Being in a couple? Well in winter it’s great … you get frozen to death at night, when you get the blanket snatched away from you.

You then try to wrestle back your rightful half of what’s yours, but when you tug … you’re met with 20 tonnes of resistance! Do you tug to wake them up or shiver it out?

If that’s bad what about the summer? You’re already 100 degrees, but she decides right I am sleeping on you today … you’re now realising what global warming feels like right at that moment! Lord all mighty.

In this case you open the window, but nope .. she’s cold so the window? Well that stays closed of course. Now, your partner you love them through thick and thin, but then comes the issue of sharing food.

It’s charitable to share, but my chicken burger?? Man! *sobs * I love the burger in its fully beauty. She always seems to eat the sweat spot. Yeah, I get very Joey Tribiani about food.

Drinks? Well you usually get left with the bottom part of the glass, the scraping of the barrel stuff. No, no not the delicious part of the orange juice for example.

If that’s not enough, then you get the Jo-Jo (female equivalent of tomtom). No you’re right and not a GPS satellite that knows the routes via that info.

Last but not least, if you have your things set one way, most likely she will set them her way, clash of egos and personalities nightmare!

Ok, that’s enough couple bashing hahaha. I mean, I write this from the man’s perspective I am sure stuff like the toilet seat being left up must drive ladies crazy.

There are perks of being in a couple. The sharing of food, it makes your food taste that much better. The sharing of a bed, you sleep that much better next to that special person.

You know the boys will support you, but your woman will support you and help you grow. They’re the backbone of the relationship. The right woman, helps you clear your mind and get your *sh*t* in order.

We can moan about the woman all we want, but you get a good one in your life? There’s nothing better.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The Bearded Captain talks about aftershave

Hello good evening greetings my bearded soldiers it’s me your Bearded Captain.

Leader of all beards flag bearer of all beards and trendsetter of all beards on digital media.

My bearded beloved’s what I want to talk about this evening is an important issue.

We are talking about an item that’s just as dear and beloved to a bearded man (his beard comb). That brothers is his aftershave.

Now Brother beard of course there are many different types of aftershave.And there are many different smells of aftershave too.

Now my brothers this is a part of being a bearded men.

So brothers we wouldn’t use the liquid type of aftershave . Unless you obviously want to apply it across your beard.

Of course that’s an option but it seems like a bit of a waste if you to get aftershave purely for that reason the splash on as they call it.

Brothers so what you can do is get the spray aftershave or perfume and apply that on your bed with spray action.

Brothers it doesn’t particularly matter as to which aftershave you use.

But commonsense needs to prevail shortly what I mean is. Don’t use cheap aftershave.

You probably think I know it’s only £2 so it’s here it’s cheap. No brothers this is a false sense of economy.

If you wanted cheap aftershave or cheap fragrance then buy lynx. Brothers so as you know a beard is an attraction magnet from the boys and girls alike. I’m not necessarily saying you will be a babe magnet, but yeah I kind of am.

Your beard is the centre of attention. And then to compliment your face being the centre of attention you need an adequate masculine fragrance.

So I’m not saying it has to be a strong scent or it has to be a lighter scent.

It has to be an authoritative scent, which represents you a man. Authoritative means assured in this instant.

This is our equivalent to make up and foundation. A good fragrance just gives you that little lift, I assume you women can relate here.

So there you have it guys. It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain. Stay blessed stay beard!

The alternate face mask

Hello, and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards on digital media. My brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after yourselves, and your beards!

Brothers, one of the best gifts in life is health, family and free time. As blessed as one is to have some of them, and even more blessed to have them all, another blessing is your beard!

Now my beloved’s you’re only too aware of my opinions on beard life. A beard, makes a man, yes, but the man must also make the beard …. this is also true. My soldiers, what I want to talk about in this message is the issue of masks.

Whether you love them or loathe them, a mask is here to stay for the foreseeable future around the world. Now, my brothers, with the mask it covers your face and protects your mouth does it not?

This is vital, the experts say to protect yourself against the virus. My brothers, a beard is the ultimate mask. A beard masks an ugly face … I am being honest a face that allows nature to dictate it is the purest face and of course a natural one.

A face becomes ugly if you change like the clean-shaven do when they betray their face day after day …. it will take its toll. Brothers did you know, it’s more hygienic to have a beard than not having one? Didn’t think so.

This propaganda of the clean-shaven will never tell you that. In this pandemic, even yours truly was told due to Covid19, I will have to shave my face, but no that’s for the people in the medical profession.

A beard, masks face rash and coldness in the winter! But amongst all that it protects us men from feminine tendencies. We are men, so be men! The beard also mask the beard itch too!

Here is the video of me talking about this on daily motion; https://www.dailymotion.com/TheBeardedCaptain

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

The passing of the torch moment

Hello and good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards. I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves, but more importantly looking after your beards!

My Bearded brothers, it’s been with great privilege and honour that I can say I am your Bearded Captain, your Bearded Leader. I might not mention it too much, but as much as I lead you beards over social media and all digital media, I am also following a lead too.

That lead I am following is that of The Bearded General, Daddy Malik (aka Daddy Beard). Now, his bearded eminence The Bearded General, The Commander and Chief is a superior above a superior.

Now, it might be hard to believe, brothers that I need to be lead, but there are two figures that are above me in rank. The Bearded Alpha, Mr Ahmed Talib Rashid and of course The Bearded General Daddy Malik.

As much as The Alpha has been a priceless mentor, teacher and someone to help your Captain in his Bearded adolescence, it’s the story of The General of Beards who this story refers to.

Brothers, my dad, of course, is my mentor in life, but he is most certainly in my Bearded life too. He is the one who gives my beard the thorough inspection after I have been to The Bearded Barbers.

“It’s not level” or “It’s not cut properly below the chin and above the Adam’s apple” are just some of the criterion The General looks for when he wants to see his son and now air to The Bearded Throne.

For the loyal readers of my blog (thank you for that), you will know that I make mention of the deceased leader of Cuba Fidel Castro. Now, don’t get me wrong here guys I am not going to make any political statements here, (we don’t do that here, we try to make the people laugh and smile).

My dad would liken me to Fidel, now when he first said this I thought, maybe because I am an excellent leader in his eyes, someone who has an aura about him … nope, it was none of that! It was due to my beard being messy!

The General would never mince his words and would always give me tough Bearded Love, but when my dad came to me for advice it was a passing of the torch moment. It was Bearded advice.

So it went like this;

“Son do you have anything for there bottom of my beard underneath my chin’? At this point was so humbled and I beamed and couldn’t stop smiling. The advice didn’t stop there, my dad even took one of my beard combs too, felt like a very happy beard indeed!

On that happy note, it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain. Stay blessed, stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The decorative beard

Hello and good morning my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded brothers, I pray you’re well and looking after yourselves and your beard!

My bearded brothers, project Bearded Captain is blossoming quite nicely. 

There is the blogs, which we’re doing here, the vlogs, which can be found here; https://www.smartlightpeople.com//watch/the-story-of-how-i-grew-my-beard_azGpf68oTpmC3SB.html.

As well, as that there is the podcast which is available on the majority of Podcast platforms (which includes Pocket Cast and Spotify amongst others). A massive thanks goes to the one, who gave me my beard.

Now brothers, what I want to talk about today though, is the issue of the “decorative beard”. This is an issue, that won’t get spoken about too much, but it’s still necessary to mention this.

This topic is as literal as it sounds, it’s a beard that’s well decorated. Now, brothers, in my infancy of beard life, I had a lack of knowledge on this issue. Someone, in my work, asked;

“will you put baubles on your beard”. Upon hearing this, I thought to myself, I have never heard such a ridiculous suggestion. To me, it’s like a man wearing a headband, which is fittingly called an “Alice band”, note it’s not an Alistair band (the clue is in the detail).

Upon further investigation, I found out that beard baubles are available as well as beard clips. Brothers, if grown correctly your beard is the decorative piece of your face.

Why some have found the need, to find a product that’s not needed (beard baubles) is beyond me, it really is. The beard baubles, like the masks we were in this day and age, instead of helping the beard blossom, it, in fact, does the exact opposite!

WWE wrestler Seamus is the first person I think of when the topic of decorative beard is mentioned. The beard that he had, is the entry-level of beard.

The sides of his beard cheeks, platted may look cool, it’s far from it. Brothers, this is beard abuse. We take good care to groom and nurture our beards, baubles are to be put on a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree is of course where the gifts are stored and the face gift is where the beard is stored. Brothers, I was gifted a beard bauble set and I have worn the bearded baubles, it made the clean-shaven laugh and smile.

Everything I said still applies to the bearded baubles, but to make the clean-shaven smile is also your purpose in life, even if they make their own faces unhappy by shaving.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, stay blessed stay beard!

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!; https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link; http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

How to deal with the haters

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader and flag bearer of all beards. Brothers, as always hope you’re well and looking after yourselves & your beard!

Brothers, this topic comes back around every so often, it’s getting a tad boring, even I admit this. Having said that my brothers, this topic is an important one. That dear brothers is the issue of The haters.

My bearded beloved’s being at the top of the mountain, makes you be a moving/sitting target. What I mean whatever you do is wrong, even if it’s right it’s still wrong. I am not proud to admit this brothers, but The Captain needed to recharge mentally.

This was due to for the first time in a long time, getting negged out. Getting negged out with the comments, the criticism and the people doubting. But it has served as a reminder for me, no matter out of every 100, there will be someone who supports you.

That person for me was Jambo on Twitter (don’t remember his full ID). Anyway you sir, as I was talking about football, really gave me confidence and belief to carry on doing a Twitter live.

I have done Facebook Live, and Instagram too, but the Twittersphere was like a step into the unknown. I don’t have too much to say, other than you can get knocked down, but whatever you do brothers don’t stay there!

Some of the greatest beards rose up in terms of adversity, you my brother make sure you’re the same. You will get “a beard makes you look ugly”, you’re too young for a beard. Most of this is criticism from women.

Brothers, they’re too womanly for The Bearded look. My soldiers, look out for my next episode on my podcast series of The Bearded Captain! This was a blog to get my fingers back into action.

My body has got back into action at the gym after a three month lay off due to coronavirus. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

Here is my very first podcast, hope you like it!;

https://anchor.fm/thebeardedcaptain/episodes/The-Bearded-Captain-here-to-introduce-myself-egup2k

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

The gap beard explained

Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Brothers, I hope you’re well and looking after your beards. my Bearded Beloved’s I want to talk about an important issue.

That is the issue of The Gap Beard. Brothers, that’s as literal as it sounds. Now, I must admit this topic didn’t come to my consideration until I heard someone mention this issue.

My soldiers, we have talked in length about the need and necessity of growing a beard and how awesome they are and make you look. What makes a beard as show-stopping as it is, is the fact it’s well kept, groomed and “full”.

So that means brothers your beard needs to join to the tash and your cheek hairs need to be full up with no gaps. It’s hard for some of your (namely the white guy and Arabs), but a beard in its true beauty is when it’s full.

To fill gaps in a wall, you use polly filler, if only there was a beard equivalent!

Spare a thought for some Chinese, and other brothers from The Far East. You can’t grow a full beard, so shave it? Errrr no! Brother of mine, I can assure you, you’re very beloved to me and even loved more than the other beards are loved by your bearded leader.

Some of the Asian teenagers have better facial hair than you when they’re 13, but you still persist in beard life. Where you can (the parts that grow) *weeps at that fact*, put cream or beard oil on your beard.

Nothing beats keeping your beard well nourished. Whether you have a full Merlin or Cat Whiskers beard, you will still be better than a clean-shaven. I know a beard with a gap, is arguably the male equivalent of being flat-chested, but a clean-shaven is like a girl putting tissue roll in her t-shirt (if you know what I mean)

We are brothers my beards, we are all equal. The example of someone with a beard gap reminds of to be grateful for what beard we have been given, we should appreciate what we have.

It’s over and out from The Bearded (full beard from the cheeks, with no gaps) Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you

Does my beard look big in this?

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beads and flag bearer of All beards on digital media.

I am that Bearded who tries to make people laugh I am that beard tries to make people smile.

My brothers for those of you who are in couples you will be able to relate to what I’m going to talk about in this blog.

Brothers let me paint the scene let me create the scenario in your mindBrothers let me paint the scene let me create the scenario in your mind.

So brothers its occasion it’s a family gathering is a party and you’re getting ready and you’ve already wore what are you going to wear for the party but for your good lady as we know the dramas with women it’s not quite as simple.

Does it match? Does it match with the jewellery set? Did The guestlist see them where this two years ago the same dress?

So after stringently going through that process of elimination to see if this garment is suitable for them the last obstacle that they go through in their mind and they consult with their partner.

They ask darling does my bum look big in this? In this scenario the man is torn, does he tell the truth?

If he tells the truth well, it’s a question of making sure your will is already written. So what the man usually would say is no, you look fine darling.

So trying to get himself out of the awkward situation if she does look a bit unfavourable scales and her bum does look a bit big, by telling a lie is risky as the woman’s paranoia will kick and she will sense other people will say it.

Ladies, this blog post is actually for you. us men are actually the same, no we are not concerned about the size of our buttocks know we are concerned about the size of our beard certain garments.

So if you like me I have generally asked dear does my bed look big in this, and thankfully I’ve been greeted with no you look fine.

The truth is does my beard look big in this? maybe it does maybe it doesn’t say, what truly matters it is that you look after your beard.

Suit and tie, smart casual, A traditional middle eastern garment the truth is your beard will always look big in this.

That’s not a bad thing brothers because big Beard, means masculinity big-time. So embrace and be proud of it no matter what you wear

Dispelling a myth

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers, good evening it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards.

I pray you’re well and looking after your beards, as well as maintaining them.

My brothers, we have seen, as well as discussed several scenarios and dealt with them along the way.

The Covid-19 issue is ongoing, but as your leader, I have addressed this issue and offered solutions.

The winter beard and summer beard is the further examples of challenges we beards face .

Now, brothers, we know that the clean-shaven “man” is a sworn enemy to the beard. They will try to use many tricks to deceive you.

What about when it gets really hot, like scorching hot (like it’s been for the past three/four days) they will say.

Beards, the beard hasn’t gone and melted in this way weather so why should you get rid of it? Heat doesn’t kill your beard it only enhances it!

In the heat, your beard is like your face sweatband, the same way the head sweatband does its thing.

When there’s sunshine, a clean-shaven face is likely to feel irritation and may even attract a rash.

With a bearded face, this pretty much covers this concern and allays those fears. The clean-shaven, love to use many diversion tactics and excuses.

One of their excuses has been, Captain “you never say anything to the ones who have a moustache only”.

Very well clean-shaven Jessie, in this blog post you will get your wish. Now, the one’s who have a moustache and shave their face .. are still cleanly shaven.

Now, just because they don’t get mentioned by name, don’t think they’re out of the firing line.

They’re the crossbreeds. They try to show that they’re not like clean-shaven because they have facial hair.

No, that’s lip fluff .. a bit of hair you have kept under your lip for god knows what reason.

Nope, you’re not Poirot, Yosemite Sam or Astrix, and even they shouldn’t keep moustaches.

Some keep the moustache and resemble a Mexican drug lord and some look suited to the adult film industry.

When you drink your cup of tea or have a glass of water, it’s like your moustache is too. Now, some smartasses might say but food gets stuck in the beard so what’s your point?

Well with this scenario, you can comb the crumbs out and wash your beard, but you can’t do that with a tash.

Taking of eating, even when you’re eating your food, your lip fluff goes in your mouth too, so it’s like you’re eating your moustache… yuk!

Now, brothers, some try to make their moustaches “fashionable”.

This blog will most certainly upset the Asian uncle and the odd auntie too hehe (you know what I mean) but as Bearded Leader, I preach what needs to be preached.

The clean-shaven will try to brainwash you with the Hugo Boss adverts and the Hugo Boss kind of man (models who are clean-shaven), but don’t be duped we know their game.

Their moustached counterparts looked to have learnt some of their tricks too. In poetic style Asian uncles say in Urdu maybe as an emotional guilt trip tactic.

According to them if you don’t have a moustache you don’t have anything, which is nonsense.

Brothers, a moustache can be grown, but you need your beard too.

The godfather and pinnacle of all beards said: “Grow your beards and trim your moustaches”.

I leave you with that thought. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

If you want to help support project bearded captain/ the sports buff and help me grow, visit the following link;

http://www.patreon.com/thebeardedcaptain1

Thank you