The Joys of rain

Hello and greetings my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain, flag bearer and trend setter of all beards, on digital broadcast media.

My bearded beloved’s, just because I might have veered off a little on talking about beards, please understand, the love and passion I have for man’s true best friend (his beard) hasn’t waned.

It’s as strong as ever. My brothers as leader of the Bearded Tribe, I have to be wise and calculated on how the message of beard is portrayed. If I talk about beard 24/7, the clean shaven will run away, they will get intimidated.

Maybe not the best example, those clean shaven women wannabe’s get flustered at the slightest bit of discomfort. My brothers, I am here though this evening to talk about rain and it’s many joys.

Being from Manchester, people from abroad would associate my home city (the greatest city on earth) as a city that’s associated with it’s football, and rightly so.

Manchester United, sports fans will tell you, they have won the League title more than any other side.

More about that another day … Manchester in the past might have been associated with gang culture, but the locals will tell you, we experience a lot of rain!

It’s “pis*ing it down* or “weather’s nice outside” (with a hint of sarcasm) are just some of the Mancunian ways to describe when the heavens open. For most, it’s a moment of dread when the first bits of drizzle hits the window.

That’s understandable to a point. The cloud’s go grey, then all over a sudden there’s a dark gloomy feeling in the atmosphere. If you get caught up in the rain, whilst on foot – that’s quite a feeling.

It’s happened to yours truly, I have been caught in the rain whilst on foot and I got drenched! Clothes soaked, with beard too – but it’s the damp clothes smell and feeling really cold after that’s problematic .

That can be solved, when you get home by standing next to the heater for 10 mins or so, so there’s a silver lining after the cloud (literally).

Go by car, to avoid such a problem that is getting caught in the rain as a pedestrian they say.

Well, as a motorist that has it’s own challenges.

On a short commute it’s fine to a point, but this reminds me of when I used to go to Yorkshire on the weekend. Some weeks, the weather was brilliant.

Other weeks however, the weather would be very wet with heavy constant rain. The rain beating against the window, would be problematic for visibility through the front windscreen of course.

In theory, this can be solved by turning on the windscreen wiper, which moves the water away of course.

When there’s heavy rain, or rain at a fairly consistent rate, either way this is a windscreen nightmare!

Too slow, then the wipers struggle to clear that beating rain.

If you do it too fast, then your wipers make a loud noise which is more intimidating than the Haka.

As your wipers work over time trying to clear that beating rain, looking like a hamster on a running wheel, the windows are getting steamed up over time.

If you don’t turn the heater up enough, your windows don’t clear, and you can’t see what’s in front of you.

If you turn your heater up too much however, then you have to fight the stuffy heat of the car.

So for the driver, he will see Manchester weather outside his car , but feel weather like Mallorca inside his car.

In a short journey that’s bearable just about, but in a long journey not so much so.

So, those are the problems rain can cause in the car. Outside the car, on the road, you have to contend with your fellow drivers, whose driving in these conditions are naive, to put it kindly.

The rainy weather causes panic and confusion to motorists, the rainy weather makes me a do an emergency break, the kind of braking like I last did on my driving test when the examiner slapped the dashboard.

Those are cons for a driver in the rain, but for a passenger?

There’s pros … such as sitting in a place which keeps you sheltered in the rain, and when the driver changes the heat, at least you know you’re being kept warm.

You see,. It’s not all bad! Rain, is beautiful to look when you’re in doors, knowing you have absolutely no need to go outside!

Nice tall cup of coffee, couple slices of warm toast with a nice cozy jumper *happy days* (yes I have thought about this a lot).

Some people who do get caught in the rain, whilst walking do have an umbrella with them and are prepared.

Talking of Umbrellas, I want to relay a story. So your captain was driving, whilst it was raining and to my horror, I saw a couple get stranded in the rain.

That’s not the horrific part, the horrific part is this, the man of the couple was under the umbrella and lady wasn’t and she was getting drenched!

My god, I wanted to stop the car and give him a spear! This my brothers is not beardly conduct.

He was clean shaven, which probably says a lot in itself.

Brothers, when walking on the pavement with your women folk, you allow her to walk inside, and you walk the side towards the road.

Brothers, if you have an umbrella and it’s raining you allow her to get under the umbrella.

This is basic rules my brothers, you beards know this no doubt and it’s something you do in the first place , but it’s reminder to you all..

Stay blessed, stay beard. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Perfect Cake By Professor Choco Cake Lover


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Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls I am sure you have been aware that I have been writing some blog posts of some “scientific findings”. My first study was over the Dixy Chicken burger and the other study was of the man fur that is the beard.

This blog post will let you know the outcome of my other study, the study of the chocolate cake. Again just like our friends at Dixy Chicken, this time our other friends at Dessert Republic also in Chorlton Manchester, to deserve an epic high five.

Located in the town centre of the Chorlton town centre, boys and girls these chappies make you feel like the bee’s knees (and no I am not on comission either), I genuinely mean this . For those of you who know me, you would know I am an avid researcher in the field of eating and in particular the eating of cakes.

The cake is a cake, some argue ….. if you are of this opinion, please don’t get offended when I say this, but if anyone holds that opinion I will have to buy a 10lb weight of fish and slap it accross your face. You would deserve it too!

Anyway,a cake isn’t just a cake ….. no no, not even close. A cake comes in different forms, there is the supermarket cake, there’s Karim’s cake, the Nawaab’s cake and O yes the beautiful Dessert Republic cake.

As I have said this before, I consider myself an expert in the field. Well putting on the weight that I have done, that surely hasn’t gone in vain let me assure you! So boys and girls what makes the good cake.

I have noted a few different examples of cake, let’s start with the bad examples. That is Karim’s’ cake and that of the supermarket stuff. Now, some may argue I am being harsh, but no when they say sponge cake, I don’t literally expecting to be eating the sponge. If I wanted to eat the scouring pad, I would have done by buying some from the £1 shop, but no thanks, not on this occasion.

I could have poured my whole glass of water in there and it still would have been hard as a rock. Talk about stuck between a rock in a hard place!

Not too moist, no no but not too dry is the reason why both the supermarket cake and Karims’ cake is out of the running, guys I have done my research I know what I am talking about.

When I have a cake, I want it to be as soft and warm as my heart and not as hard and cold as my ex’s. Nawaab’s and the Dessert Republic both do this perfectly (cake at the right temperature) , but the reason why I love the Dessert Republic cake is because it’s a place you can go to day in, day out and even Nawaabs have had a bad day at the office.

Your visit to Dessert Republic isn’t one to do on your own, because that’s the key rule when going out (never eat or drink on your own) but that isn’t saying bother the person randomly at your next table and pretend that you know them, that’s just creepy.

I have never done that … honest hahaha.

Soft, and melt in your mouth like cake which is succulent and not too soft and not too hard is what a cake should be, with the smooth chocolate gushing as you press your spooon into the cake,  the guys at the Dessert Republic I literally salute you. Just when I thought the art form of the perfect cake was dying out, you my friend said “we got this Ayyaz” and you were true to your word.

The nice sprinkle of the Dessert Republic on my plate, that just makes something better and better. Am I being biased? Check for yourself. Nawaabs is good, but it doesn’t have the same touch, personal touch as what the Dessert Republic has. I rest my case, I will take my blank cheque in the post ….. thank you.

*Disclaimer, I wrote this for part sattire and for my general love of Dessert Republic and my views don’t represent theirs thank you*