The Bearded Warrior

Can’t beat them join them?

Hello and good afternoon my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital and broadcasting media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, (for those of you who are in England in particular) , will be experiencing the snow and bad weather. Brothers, with our beards this is what we have been waiting for all year.

Whereas, the clean shaven will be shivering their naked faces off, we can embrace this cold weather.

In the summer, they mock us and belittle us, but in times like this they feel our pain and in fact jump on the bearded band wagon. Wooly jumpers, thicker pants or t-shirts … one thing we don’t have to worry about brothers is a garment to warm our face.

They will think about shaving their faces, when the weather warms up, but that’s their bad because they will feel the cold twice as bad.

As you wear jumpers and neck warmers, brothers I will say (you’re reading this right) it’s ok to have a messy beard in this period.

Brothers, don’t get over carried away, but when things change … it’s back to normal. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The right hand superiority complex

Hello and greetings my Bearded soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain leader of all beards and flag bearer of all beards. My brothers, I have been off the scene for a while, but don’t worry I am still here!

Brothers, what I wanted to talk about here is the issue of the right hand superiority complex. Now as you know all Beards are equal, whether you’re black, Asian, Chinese.

What separates a beard from one to another is the length of beard. A longer beard has superiority of a shorter one because of the length of time that he has grown it.

One other factor that separates beards, is the right-handed man from the left-handed, and this is what I want to talk about. Brother beards of the left-handed person persuasion, we need to talk.

It’s about the right-handed people. Notice how I say the right-handed people, the right-handers are of course clean shaven and bearded. They are separate from us.

The righties, well think they’re right all the time because they’re “right-handed”. That’s bias bs right there. Then there’s the right hand-man, that’s another propaganda right there, “right from wrong” or “writing” ….. I can go on!

This is why I talk about this issue. Being left-handed isn’t the “devil’s work as some like to think … we’re a unique bunch and it’s time to stop the right-handed snobbery.

We need to stop terms that make lefties look bad. Like “left at the alter”, “left alone“ or “left overs”. It needs to stop!

Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Marilyn Monroe and Barrack Obama are just some illustrious names of the left-handed persuasion. So have a think about that, the next time you knock us lefties.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain; “Away from the chin beard needs care too”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards and flag-bearer of all beards. My bearded soldiers, as always I love how you have shown love to me. My beards, we need to talk about an important issue, it’s an issue which we all go through.

I am talking about the dreaded beard itch. In fact, I would even argue this is in the top three of the importance of a subject. The subject in question is the flakiness of the beard (back of the chin) and the beard itch. These are two issues, rolled into one.

There is a reason I have put this into one big topic, simply because there is a link. The beard itch nine times out of 10 is usually not from the same area. What is relevant to take into account is that to counteract the beard itch, The Captain says make sure you use beard oils or even beard balm.

Sadly, this won’t stop the beard itch 100%, but my beards please factor this into consideration, a beard itch is a crucial part of beard life. If you can deal with the struggles of beard itch, then this will also help you adapt to any struggles of beard life as you have learnt the key component .. patience.

How this is linked (beard flakiness at the back of the chin and general beard itch), is that in both instances beard oils or beard balm will help. Again, it’s not 100% guaranteed, but it does help.

What this issue has done is this my beards, it’s made aware of issues I underestimated the importance of. I hope I have been of help to you this evening my beards … It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

The Kellogs Crunchy Beard?

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Alhamdulillah, yours truly in his bearded magnificence. My beards, please take care of your beards and be careful of the Kellogs Crunchy Beard

Hello and greetings my bearded soldiers. As you know, I go by the name of The Bearded Captain. My aim, my goal and my mission is to make you lovely souls laugh and smile, but educate and inform you of the perks of beard life as I do it.

That my bearded soldiers, won’t change, even until the day I die, Ameen. my bearded brothers/ my bearded soldiers, please note I am a loving captain. I can say, I won’t need to go on undercover beards either to see how good I am as a bearded leader.

I know, I tell debatably funny jokes and am very obsessed and driven when it comes to the beard, the facial hair; the man fur. With this in mind, and trying to be mindful that I don’t go too off-topic, my beards I want to talk about the Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard.

What is this? I hear you ask .. don’t worry my beloved’s The Captain is here, he will tell you all about it. The Kellogs Crunchy Nut beard is quite simply when you’re having your favourite cereal (apparently it’s ludicrously tasty and all), sometimes, if not all the time cereal gets stuck in your beard.

This issue doesn’t just stop there … toast, kebab, crisps and other bits of food gets stuck to theirs too. So what to do, how to resolve this issue? Well my beards, there’s no easy answer.

I will say this though my beards, it’s a real issue, and the solution isn’t to have a beard. Yeah, I know those clean-shaven “funny men”, will tell you any gibberish to try and make you give your face trophy the heave-ho.

No, no! Not going to happen at all !!!. Now in food prep areas, bearded men where bearded nets the way women wear hairnets. This could be one option, but not ideal. There is another option, for you to put a bib over your face.

Again an option, but not the most ideal. It’s better than the first option of course, but yeah it’s something to consider. Your captain, of course, goes through this issue, and as much as it pains me, I don’t have a magical solution for this problem, I know it’s a serious issue too.

What I suggest is a mixture to be done here. This means, look to put a face bib over your face if the surroundings are right. A beard is a prized possession and people treat their clothes as a prized possession. Do you see my point?

I would also say, beards keep your beard comb close. By keeping your beard comb close, this could help clear up your beard from food crumbs, or any other bits of food. I hope this goes some way to solving an age-old issue.
It’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain Is Here With Another Message: The Bearded Captain’s “Unsung Hero”

The Captain At BMT

The Captain is still here, worry not my soldiers. I am alive and kicking, ready to portray The Bearded Message more than ever.

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. Your Captain is here with another address. After delivering my address this morning, which was my first in a really long time here is another dosage of wisdom from The Captain.

As stated in the previous blog your Captain has been spreading his message far and wide. Whether that be Linkedin, (“Pompousbook” as some may call it and I call it) Instagram or Beardstagram as I like to call it, Facebook or Twitter.

Together with my beards, although we might not take over the world, we will surely raise a war against the razor. Shaving is only to be done on your heads or … well, your clever people work it out.

The reason this mission started in the first place was for what? To show how rock and roll beards really are. No, we don’t look ugly with a beard … in fact, it’s surely the polar opposite.

With careful maintenance, beard oil and application of Mont Blanc perfume or any other bearded perfume, you will be irresistible to boys and girls a like, if that’s what you crave young bearded one.

Let me reword that, you will get the attention and the admiration of the boys and girls, and if you aren’t getting that love and attention from the boys and girls, my solider look in the mirror and know you’re not growing your beard right.

But if you are not only know you’re growing your beard right, but note you need stay modest in the face of all this attention. When beards are in the spotlight, their beards take centre stage and shine through.

Maybe, your beard is too hippy like if you’re not getting recognition  …. or worse still maybe your jokes are terrible  and attitude isn’t right which is terrible for any beard. If this indeed is the case, then you will need to reaffirm the bearded pledge which is what?

A beard is 1% growth, 99% attitude, with 110% and the ability to make people laugh. That’s the bearded pledge. My social media inbox, is bulging with hello’s and salaams, why? Coz of my beard Alhamdulillah and me practicing The Bearded Pledge!

Note bearded one, when you wake up, your beard wakes up with you. When I had hair I used to have hair (many years ago), I used to have “bad hair days”, with a beard there’s no such thing.

If you think you’re having a bad beard day, note you’re just a hippy and you didn’t ever have a good beard day in the first place. Beards we keep our beards well maintained, nobody in work quite makes an entrance like I do.

In fact, I believe my way to my desk is longer because of all the meeting and greeting and Beard Saluting that I need to do, it’s a tough life but someone has to be me and someone has to lead you beards to the right bearded way.

Through years and months of hard work, me your Bearded Captain has had to endure months of sacrifice and struggle in this quest for Bearded Greatness. The times I have selflessly had Dixy Chicken Mega Mix Burger Meal and Dessert Republic cakes and cappuccinos just to ensure for you guys this is suitable for beards and it’s of The Bearded Standard.

Some may think about the beard, “O it’s just facial hair”, yes it is but note this defines a man and a boy, a Lion and a kitten. A beard is just more than facial hair, it’s a way of saying … my face Alhamdulillah is awesome and I am proud of my face and I want to reward it with a beard.

Why cut your face? Isn’t that self-harm to your face? … When people “self-harm” themselves, what do we say? We say they’re ill and need help .. but when you’re cutting your face why isn’t that an issue then?

If I was ever to even contemplate (don’t worry this is a figure of speech) shaving off my beard I know my face would cry.  To make sure I am allowed in work tomorrow, this last part of the blog is for my colleague Miss Shelby Sheridan who reads these blogs and tries to adhere to The Bearded Movement even though she doesn’t have a beard.

She always salutes me when I come into work or walk past her desk, The Captain thanks you.

Even as The Captain, that woman with the greatest respect is a nut job and can scare the life out of me with her stories. So Shelby thanks for reading my blogs, The Captain appreciates your support. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain, and I salute you all.

 

The Bearded Captain with a Monday Message

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, with a beard, comes responsibility don’t abuse the magnificence of your beard.

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain, I pray that all my soldiers are well and are maintaining their beards. For those of you men who aren’t on the true way (by growing a beard) then know that I am a patient Captain and my door is always open for you when you see the light.

I wanted to raise the following issue brothers, it’s the issue of people giving the beard a bad name. Me as your Bearded Captain, I want to try and help the people who don’t know how awesome a beard is!

The “normal folk” (clean shaven Jessie’s) think that the beard makes you look old, or even worse some think it makes them look ugly, brothers to remind you …. we grow a beard to be awesome! Well I know I do anyway and we woow the boys and girls because of our bearded magnificence (alhamdulillah).

Unfortunately, I have to report some rebellious beards in the field. Sorry to have to post on the tone of a bit of a downer, but these beard’s need to be addressed. The beards in question, are beards who have been causing destruction in the lands of others and even their own.

Brothers, (I am referring to the rebellious beards) you have a beard because the one who helps your beard grow has been favourable to you. I know many men, who aren’t able to grow a beard (yes, they have been through my vetting process), but just because the one who helped your beard grow has shown you kindness (like he always does I must add) then what right does that give you to act in such a way that you do?

Bearded brothers all of you, remember the best way to show the beauty of the beard is in your actions. A beard can be grown within a month without shaving, but without class morality and respect, then your beard is just facial hair.

Remember bearded brothers, a beard is 99% attitude with 110% swag with the ability to make people laugh, 1% of the bearded life is down to growth as anyone could grow one per say. If we want the clean shaven folk to be amongst us bearded men, bearded warriors then we need to be kind and gentle in our actions as well as our speech.

A beard is for life, not just for winter is something I have always preached …. brothers we all need to adapt and learn to have the manners of a beard. We are beards, we are proud to be different …. let’s show the rest of the world how proud we are of our man fur!

Yes, my beard’s I will present to you The Bearded Commandments but there is a guide a lot more in depth than the commandments. This bearded guide teaches a beard how to be good to young and old, it teaches how to be good to the poor.

I have seen some beard’s on social media glamorise the killing of souls. If you want to do that (sorry but you’re a fool if you think it’s justified such action) then do that clean shaven, because imbeciles like you don’t deserve to wear the beard.

A beard is an ultimate gift. If grown correctly and with sincerity, a beard gives you humbleness, humour and kindness amongst other things. Why else was the Captain vote for as the funniest person in the office?

I leave you with that my soldiers, it’s over and out from your Bearded Captain.

The Bearded Captain; “Don’t Do A Brosnan Guys”

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, don’t do a Brosnan for he is a beard who only grew his beard just to keep himself relevant.

 

Hello, greetings and good evening from me your Bearded Captain. I am sorry I haven’t been around of late my beloved soldiers, please forgive me for this. As much as I love you wonderful souls, The Captain has been in Bearded Hibernation.

What that means, boys and girls – ladies, gentleman and clean shaven men is that The Captain was having some time to ponder Bearded Life and the magnificence that comes with the Territory of being The Bearded Captain.

Without further ado, I would like to address today’s issue of not doing a Brosnan. What’s a Brosnan I hear you ask? Well, my soldiers, it is this ….. I would like to think you’re all aware of the ninth Bearded Commandment … (Thou Shall Not Allow The Celebrity Status Of His Beard Get to His Head).

With the Brosnan law, it’s  kind of the opposite of this commandment but needs to be mentioned all the same. The Brosnan law is simply this, I am sure my soldiers you remember Pierce Brosnan who starred in several Bond films.

As I am sure you’re aware the James Bond Character is clean shaven, (don’t get me started please on that topic). In his youth, Brosnan sported a clean shave and was in several Bond films and seemed irresistible to the boys and girls alike.

The thing is though, the world is slowly but surely catching on to the facade of clean shaven people. I mean look at Brosnan’s  later films he has been sporting a beard, the director must read my blog or even be an undercover fan of The Captain.

But the issue is as soon as Pierce Brosnan’s career looks to be going down hill, he decides to grow a beard. Why couldn’t he have been bearded when he was James Bond?

What young guys only look good with a clean shave, what bout The Captain? MashaaAllah I look awesome because I have a beard. My soldiers a beard is for life and not just for winter or when you think your career is going down the pan you draw upon the fame that a beard gives you.

This blog is very much addressing Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, but he who thinks he can grow a beard when he is old to still feel relevant, be warned you will not be amongst my elite.

Every beard is judged by its intention, but don’t take advantage of the beard and abuse its awesomeness. Bearded brothers, you need the beard, not the other way round. The Beard is nature’s way, a beard is a man’s way of saying he is happy in his inner self.

You, my bearded soldier, can be happy with your inner self too. It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain

The Bearded Captain; Don’t Dye Your Beard In Any Colour Except Ginger!

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers, be proud of the colour of your beard and let nature take its path 🙂

 

Hello and greetings from your Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well, in good health and in the process of growing beards! Before I get my teeth into today’s subject, I just want to say thank you for you guys being such wonderful soldiers and as your Bearded Captain, I am really honoured to be leading you guys.

Ok, mushy stuff out of the way, so the issue at hand then. The issue which I would like to raise today is this, the issue of the dying of the beard. Now, I know what you’re thinking but please hear me out, this issue does have some relevance, you’re going to have to take my word on that.

Now, the dying of hair is a topic that people might take lightly if they do no biggie, but as I have said before our beards are unique and this isn’t merely just “another issue”. As I have said time and time again, our beard’s are unique because when maintained correctly, they look magnificent!

Of course my bearded brothers, you already know that. So with that in mind, the need to preserve one’s beard is extremely necessary.  Yes, we have talked about combing and perfuming the beard, but I just feel this issue of the beard dye hasn’t been touched upon and it needs to be.

When someone dyes their hair, they use different colours, but when it comes to the beard let’s make this clear don’t dye it. Why I hear you ask? The reason is simple a beard grows naturally, so allow nature to take it’s path, the same applies to your natural beard hair colour too.

Blonde beard, green beard or blue beard just isn’t a good luck, but ginger is I have natural ginger strands in my beard hehe. Do I really need to explain why not dye your beard in any other colours except ginger? Let’s just say this if I do need to explain,  it makes me wonder are you seriously listening to your Bearded Captain and his advice?  …. You might have to take a long hard look at yourself O Bearded One.

The sharp-minded one’s amongst you will be thinking what about when I get older and my beard turns grey what do I do? Well after studying this particular topic long and hard as I devoured a Dixy burger ( bearded man’s best friend if you like), it came to my attention that it’s absolutely not allowed to dye a grey beard back to your natural hair colour. I hope that makes sense.

When the time comes for your beard to fully mature and turn grey, embrace the fact that it’s happened to you and that you have been chosen by the one who gave you your man fur in the first place.

If you hide your natural beard hair colour to the people, a question I would ask is are you hiding other stuff, are you truthful beard. I mean if it came to it, would you share your last piece of chicken with me? (yes I would share it with a bearded brother in case you’re wondering).

I will close on this point brothers, a beard is a thing of beauty. For some of you, you will live long enough for your beard to grow grey, that’s not a bad thing far from it …. embrace it, brothers! A grey beard shows wisdom and the right person will respect you for it, if they don’t you’re around the wrong people.

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain,A Real Life Example Of The Consequences Of Shaving

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Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. My soldiers below is a real-life example of what happens when a commandment is broken.

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain. I pray that all my soldiers are well and in the process of growing beards. I want to address one of The Bearded Commandments with a real life example.

The Bearded Commandment in question is the commandment that is “Thou Shall Not Shave His Beard”. A stating the obvious commandment you may think, but my soldiers you will be surprised the necessity of raising the issue.

Step forward my colleague at work Mr. Andrew Cutts. Cutts, the ladies man or Sensai Cutts as he is known to us folk at work is quite the inspirational figure in our office. Despite being clean shaven, my soldiers he has been a crucial person in the life of The Bearded Captain.

He is quite a remarkable case, I say this because despite being a clean shaven Jessie, he still does have the humor and charms to woo the boys and girls. If I was to be favorable to the self-appointed “top dog”, then I would say this he does have a week long stubble.

But unforgivably he has shaved his stubble off and gone back to looking like a child. As upsetting as that has been to see as your Bearded Captain and his Bearded Captain, this next thing was the most upsetting.

The issue in specific question is this, Andrew much to my delight came into work with a lovely well maintained and well-groomed beard. When he walked into the room, he walked into work with the swag one comes to expect when you have a beard.

Compliments were many and the looks of awe were many. “Cutts, that well suits you lad” and other comments from your truly such as “Cutts you beautiful man”! Compliments like those would naturally massage the ego of any man and Mr. Cutts is naturally no different.

That actually brings me on to my next point. With all those compliments and the massaging of ego, it naturally would beg the question why would one shave such magnificence on their face off their face?

Well, that’s what Cutts did the very next day. I mean how many more compliments do you want? His actions left me completely dumbfounded, (that’s, to put it mildly). I wasn’t the only one to be left in a state of disbelief by the top dog’s actions.

My colleagues were equally as shocked as I was. The previous day, all Mr Cutts received was glowing praise and admiration from all, but the day after he committed the despicable act (shaving his beard) it appeared obvious that nature was out to teach Andrew a lesson.

Andy himself was looking for the admiration from those very same people that he was getting from the people the day before, but I am sorry Andrew Cutts, I know you are a unique case of being someone who has powers of humour despite being clean shaven, but it went to show that even you need a beard to be relevant.

You were surprised when you received the admiration of the people one day, but not the next, but don’t be surprised by such a reaction. The Beard makes you, and you don’t make it ….. Do not forget that my soldiers!

It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

 

The Bearded Captain; “Alhamdulillah my powers of humor​ are returning”.

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Alhamdulillah, this is an example of bearded magnificence.Bearded brothers, good news Alhamdullilah my powers are starting to return 😉

 

Hello and greetings from The Bearded Captain, I pray that my soldiers are well inshaaAllah and are maintaining their beards. Guys, for the past few weeks the one who gave me the beard (the party piece of my face), the all-mighty decided to give me man flu.

No, I am not complaining I am just stating the facts. With like anytime you feel ill or unwell, one naturally feels weaker and groggy. Naively I thought as The Bearded Captain I thought I would be ok, but maybe I was arrogant and forgot that no matter how awesome my man fur is (my beard) don’t forget to thank the one who gave you the man fur in the first place.

That is the all-mighty I am referring to, of course, the one who enabled to have such beautiful man fur, MashaaAllah. In this period of me having man flu, my powers felt like they were getting zapped from me.

Usually, when I go to work, I walk into the office in style, admiring glances many and the looks of awe were many too, but since my man flu, it felt like the world was going on in a “normal way” when I entered the room.

As The Bearded Captain, this is something which is unheard of for me, but this whole man flu experience if you want to call it that has been very humbling. I learned despite being The Bearded Captain, I shouldn’t take my beard for granted.

I naively thought that with my beard comes awesomeness …. this is true, but there’s more to this than that. These two weeks that I have had man flu have shown that with “power” comes tests and challenges.

Let me give you an example, Clarke Kent (Superman, which is debatable in itself as this guy didn’t have a beard), went through phases where he loses his powers. Superman turned into a mere mortal for a period, but as time went by he was able to regain his powers.

Of course, Superman lost his powers whenever he saw Kryptonite or came into contact with the stuff. The thing is with me (The Bearded Captain) I don’t know what my “Kryptonite” is.

So how can I cure myself of man flu, if I don’t know what is causing the problem? It’s a question that has rumbled on for a while and will rumble on for a while longer no doubt. After consulting with some loyal soldiers around me, they advised that I increase my intake of Vitamin C, me being the down to earth Captain that I am, I decided to listen to them and now take Vitamin C tablets every day.

I have mentioned this before, but I will say this again, I wouldn’t wish man flu on my worst enemy. These two weeks have been tough, but they have taught me, don’t take anything for granted and that always thank the one who gave you the ability to don such magnificent facial hair.

Remember, if it wasn’t for he who gave you the lovely man fur, you wouldn’t be as awesome as you have been. My soldiers, remember you wouldn’t have been able to charm the boys and girls with your witty nature, as well as an awesome sense of humor.

On this note, it’s time for me to say, boys and girls, my Bearded Soldiers it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.