Hello, and greetings my bearded soldiers, I go by the name of the Beeear, Beeeearded Captain *tries to control his cries*. Brothers, in the four years that I have been Bearded Leader, and very proudly been Bearded Leader, never ever has a challenge like this come to the fore.
My brothers, the challenge that I am referring to is that of the short beard! Brothers, please don’t misunderstand me, I have said a beard is 1% growth and 99% attitude – this is still the case.
Having said that though, once you go long, anything else is so wrong. Shaving the beard … well, let’s not go there, or shaping a goatee and even having a short skin beard. In previous blogs and videos, I have mentioned them even as master craftsmen (the bearded barber).
With the lockdown in place and the clean-shaven Boris Johnson & most of the other MP’s in the cabinet being beardless too, then it seemed inevitable this was going to happen. A longer beard might be prone to getting food stuck in it, or getting messy too, but when looked after it’s the treasure to your face.
Having to go short beard due to my shoddy scissor work, is like Dec being without Ant – Laurel being without Hardy … or even cheese being without the onion! *cries in the corner*.
A man with a beard is like a lion, I feel like a kitten hitting their form of puberty, I am declawed, this is testing times in beard life! Don’t try this at home my bearded superiors said, I sadly gave them the finger salute, but why!
I am young, naive and a tad rebellious. Lockdown has made me explore new skills, the master of being a beard craftsman, no doubt takes years, decades to master … but I have ran before I could walk.
As I cut the luscious locks off, I am sure I saw water in that very beard I cropped … they must have been beard tears. Just like someone with curly hair, you should never shave your head, someone with a long beard shouldn’t crop their beard really short – sadly like mine now.
I even put aftershave in my beard this morning like what I normally and the fragrance was directly absorbed by my cheeks, I don’t think I have felt that sensation since I was 19!
If you don’t understand my pain, Here’s why you shouldn’t touch your beard!
So there you have it my beards, the sad tale of why you shouldn’t try this at home. *bows head low* it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain*