Hello and greetings from your bearded captain, leader of all beards, flag bearer of all beards on digital media and broadcast media. I am that beard who tries to make people laugh, and smile.
My bearded beloved’s, here I want to talk about an important issue, (it must be noted, my blog posts are all important, that’s why I write them hehe).
I want to bring this to your attention my beloved’s and that is this, my beards there are similarities between being in Ramadan and being in lockdown.
O how, we pity you, the non-Muslim, or Mr Will Mellor who said he had a “power cut”, I have got a **** power cut” during this lockdown, to directly quote the man himself. Will, have you never been to the Asian Sub-Continent?
In the Sub-Continent, my friend at the best of times (mainly summertime) it’s a minor miracle that they even have power. Anyway, that aside, (hear me out on this, I am on to something) – there are similarities between this lockdown and Ramadan.
In the lockdown, people have been stockpiling food, and you know that is what’s also done in Ramadan. True story here, I bought 20kg of boneless chicken from the butchers. Boneless banquet for one they say? Naaa it’s like boneless banquet for the whole street more like!
The grocery shops in Ramadan are rammed with customers like Aldi and Tesco are too. In Ramadan, if we’re off work we don’t like going out (partly being too tired), but in lockdown, you can only go out if there’s a dire need to.
As mentioned, when we do go out, we do tend to bulk buy food. I must make a mention, an Asian household/Muslim household don’t stockpile with a years supply of loo roll, just the couple of months.
I must ask a question to fellow Asians, why is there so many “Manchester Superstores”, dude there are even some in Huddersfield, what’s up with that?
We are clever even before this lockdown, we don’t use loo roll like the Non-muslims do when we do our thing, we use a cracking device called a Muslim shower, it’s water and it sprays when you press the trigger, it’s awesome ** love-struck emoji **
One good thing about the lockdown, mum would say is that you can go out for essential shops, heaven forbid … it was getting to the stage that we were going to have to eat the ‘food for the guests’.
It must be noted in an Asian household, there’s food and then there’s food for the guests. Food for you I won’t say it’s like bread and water, but it’s not like food for the guests. That’s the kind of food that even Gordon Ramsey would say has been “cooked well and tastes delicious”.
Hell’s kitchen and Ramsey’s kitchen nightmare fans know what I mean by that.
O refreshments get the same treatment, Rubicon mango juice for the guests, and Tesco value juice for you the inhabitants of the home.
Same thing with the fizzy drink, if you’re allowed to even have it, and that too is when the guests are there. Coca-cola (the real stuff) and Rubicon mango too would be on offer, those days are worth savouring.
This isn’t lockdown related, maybe a tad Ramadan related, but I have to mention this. Many maybe distressed of having to stay indoors or lack of activity etc.
My non Asian friends nothing is more painful than seeing a tub of celebrations, then opening it and then realising it’s last weeks curry in there.
*cries uncontrollably* and your favourite Mars chocolates? Nowhere to be seen! The same treatment is given to Walls ice cream boxes too.
It doesn’t stop there either, Royal Dansk biscuits, fancy one? No you can’t have one, you won’t really get one in an Asian household, unless you have your grandparents, they would be the only ones who have these biscuits.
Sewing box, box for screws but biscuits? No, not in Asian household .
So there you have it, a different look to this Ramadan. Non-Muslim household’s I feel sorry for you almost not being in Ramadan, but mind you those spring rolls are deeeeeadly!
It’s over and out from the bearded captain.