Weddings; Asian vs Non Asian

Hello, and greetings, my bearded soldiers – it’s your Bearded Captain, leader of all beards on digital media, here with another topic that needs some discussion.

My Bearded Brothers, after the kind feedback of yesterday’s piece on family gatherings, I want to talk about the wedding ceremonies; Asian vs Non-Asian.

After reading my previous blogs and listening to my previous blogs on the subject of Asian’s, you will get where I am going with this lol.

Now, for the non-Asian, they find it hard to fathom that anyone would marry their cousin. If you ask most of the UK, they would say that is something the people of Norfolk do, but this is something they could never imagine doing themselves (marrying their cousin).

To stereotype here … massively, non-Asian’s would usually find a boyfriend/girlfriend and be in a relationship for five/six years and then find the most cliche place to propose. Some proposals are quite romantic don’t get me wrong.

In the world of an Asian, some do marry their boyfriend/girlfriend (but don’t tell their parents that, otherwise it would be the Mcchappal meal if you know what I mean). In that case, usually, a conversation follows like this;

Mum; if you find a girl you want to marry, tell me first.
The boy; err since you mentioned it, mum, there’s a girl…

*Famous last words, then flight, to Pakistan gets swiftly booked and he’s not seen for a few years. The boy duly comes back to the UK with a Pakistani wife and two kids!*

Back to the story though. When the boy usually says that, a frosty response is followed by the mum, the boy would say something like “we met at Uni and she is really nice”. A marriage will follow, but this is where the real work begins.

The Asian boyfriend and girlfriend, who kept meeting at the library for “studying”, after having overcome the secrecy of keeping their relationship alive, now enter the politics of marriage …. (more on that later).

The boy finding his own marriage partner can cause a war more deadly then any that history has ever known. Vietnam, World War one and two were brutal … but challenging an Asian mum on wedding partner, na nothing beats that.

There is the alternative marriage method in the Asian household, the arranged marriage. This was something I did when I was married, but yes I had a say in it and yes I met her beforehand.

A colleague asked me, do you meet your wife beforehand? Is this done against your will and you have no say in it?

Sensing the chance to troll, I said well, it’s like The Voice … a series of women come into the room, but I face the other way and when I hear the voice of a lady and I like it, I turn my chair around and wala this lady is now my wife.

My colleague believed me and that tipped me over into laughter!
So after agreeing to the marriage, then comes the deal or no deal part as I call it or the Dragon’s Den part- the negotiation.

Now in a non-Asian wedding, they usually do it in the church and invite close friends and family. They have food, get leathered, have a sing-song maybe, the bride throws bouquet then they go in their wedding car and into the sunset.

If only it was like that in an Asian wedding. Remember me mentioning the about the politics side of the Asian wedding? Yeah, well that’s the bit where such and such needs to get invited coz they invited us.

Now that sounds, kind I think, invite someone to your family wedding, coz they invited you to theirs, but no all is not what it seems. This is money based … they invited us to their family wedding we gave £50, now if we invite them and they don’t give £50, they’re not coming to our other son’s wedding.

Then you have to consider what about inviting this person? If we don’t invite them, it’s gonna be awkward. This person in the scenario when it came to me, was someone I had no idea who they were.

I remember, it like yesterday mum brings the book to me. I was thinking mum is this my life? It wasn’t, it was the list of people in a book, who attended my sister’s wedding.

Everyone from that list was under review (bar family of course), my mum went through that list one by one, to see if they would be attending my wedding.

I kid you not, I said I want 200/300 people to my wedding tops, but it should be lower. Guess how many people came? 600!

So an over-inflated guess list now needs an over-inflated venue and menu to match.

Thankfully my parents were and still are savy with and their money and had been saving up for this probably since I was born, but not all families can do this.

Some families get into serious debt paying for something they just can’t afford, but what will people say if we only get married in a mosque? This is the rhetoric that takes over the Asian mind.

O, I didn’t mention obviously after the marriage is agreed the engagement is usually eight months. I am not sure if that’s the families way of saying;

“Are you sure, you want to do this, think about it here’s an eight-month cooling off period. Do you want to give up your freedom”?

So, if both families agree to still go ahead with the wedding, then the jewellery needs to be arranged. How much gold to give to the mother-in-law and the sisters-in-law and to the this relation and that relation.

The amount of gold jewellery present on the wedding day, on the bride and all the women alike, 50 Cent would be left Jealous.

Then there’s the hired cars and designer suits that cost close to a month’s wages. The cars that would be on show are the ones the boys would have posters up of.
Maybe for one day, they can escape the reality of owning a 1.3 litre Nisan Micra.

Now we go inside the wedding hall that the Asian paid an arm and leg for. Over the top decor, such as gold chandeliers and decorative dressings to name some.
Remember me mention about the family gathering food? Well yeah, it’s not too dissimilar to food made at home.

Granted, these wedding/banquet halls maybe professionals at food prep but the food is not too dissimilar.Maybe there’s more food than that of a family gathering.

Staters of kebabs, fish and chicken tikka pieces are usually the same in all weddings.
Mains of boneless chicken, lamb and vegetable curry also is the same, alongside a choice of rice or naan pretty much is the same too.

Where there is a difference from wedding to wedding is the sweet food (Indian sweets) It’s still diabetes waiting to happen for sure.

So after all these wedding rituals are done, remember this is just the start! As there are another three days of this concerted effort for a wedding at least!
It’s times like this, I wish I wasn’t Asian… it’s over and out from The Bearded Captain