Hello and good morning, it’s me your Bearded Captain, leader of all Beards and flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media, I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.
My Bearded Heroes, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards! My Bearded Kings, lets have a chat. Brothers of mine, you’re one of the most dearest things to me. Family, chicken burgers and yourselves (maybe in that order), but brothers know without you guys, there’s no Bearded leader as I would have no one to lead.
I want to talk about an important issue in the life of Beards and that’s the issue of side burns. I have had a look at previous Bearded Addresses and I can’t find me speaking about side burns, which I find astounding.
My Shining Bearded Knights, side burns are like moustaches and even goatees, they’re defrauding the facial hair establishment. Facial hair is a Beard, yes even short Beard, but don’t get carried away.
It covers some of the cheeks Captain? I hear you question, nay a Beard covers cheeks, a side burn covers a jaw bone, Brothers don’t allow them to trick you. Elvis had side burns, not a Beard! Yes most of the hair would cover the side part of the jaw, but not full jaw and cheek.
My Bearded Soldiers, people think being a celebrity is the dream. Have you noticed, your David Beckham’s of this world sport a Beard? He is the first one that comes to mind when I think celebrity and even he needs a Beard to seal the deal.
He’s not famous because of DB7, it’s due to his Beard! Scoring goals for Manchester United, Real Madrid,AC Milan and PSG are career highlights? Do me a favour! Beckham’s career has gone, people will (the younger ones) be like who is this Beckham fella? Never heard of him.
He still has a Beard now, showing the appeal they have. You want to be relevant? You keep a Beard, as Becks has shown. Side Burns, isn’t a Beard. A Beard, starts from the top of the ear, covers a significant part of the cheek and joins the part of your face where non Beards grow their Goatee.
Think that explains it right? It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.
The Bearded Captain 