Ground rules to follow of Asian wedding (satire)

Hello, good morning my Bearded Soldiers, it’s me your Bearded Captain. Leader of all Beards, flag bearer of all Beards on digital and digital broadcasting media. I am that Beard who tries to make people laugh, and I am that Beard who tries to make people smile.

Brothers, I pray you’re well, looking after yourselves and your Beards. My Bearded Kings, I want to talk about an issue in the life of The Bearded Captain, and that is weddings, Asian weddings. you would think they are the same as conventional weddings, oh no no.

In a non-Asian wedding, it might be a day ceremony and then that’s it, how cute. My Soldiers let’s talk about what to expect from an Asian wedding and some unwritten rules in Asian Weddings.

In an Asian wedding, the minimum it lasts for is three days! One day is to put mehndi on each other, and where people loosen their wooden hips and rock on the dance floor.

Then it’s the emotional soppy stuff, then it’s the big banquet! to clarify, it’s not like a famine on the other days. The guest list of 200, appears closer to 500 if the food is anything to go by. Talking of the guest list, well that’s carefully or not carefully selected in my case of people known to my parents.

Getting on to the wedding list didn’t require a colossus effort. The qualifying criterion is simply, o her daughter got married we had to pay £20, and she will give us that when our son/daughter gets married, so let’s invite her.

Based on a true story, (mine), a wedding invite list is an event within an event. Negotiations at times can be likened to that of an EU Summit.

In short 99% of the guest list is part of an elaborate political invite scam. An Asian wedding and preparing for one I argue it’s like preparing for a World Cup. Yes, football’s greatest showpiece happens every four years and depending on the Asian family, so are the weddings.

A professional footballer trains and prepares for football’s biggest event which lasts for four/five weeks. That is a similar duration to an Asian wedding, sometimes the weddings last longer. The novice will think, the wedding consists of the days in the wedding hall only.

What about the two, sometimes three weeks before when random strangers come to your house, pretend like they know you, eat your food and leave. It’s a very artificial process, but one which lasts for weeks.

My Beards, this requires stamina! The eating, the clearing up the mess, and the eating some more, it’s tiring work! Let’s not forget to mention the dedicated Dholki night, and the late nights. Neighbours would be forgiven for thinking the neighbours have had some of ‘the good stuff’.

The good stuff? Well, that’s Coca-cola or Rubicon Mango. So with the pre-wedding nights done, then getting ready for the wedding itself commences. To keep it to the World Cup analogy, the opening ceremony has been done, now it’s time for the tournament proper.

On all of the nights, as an Asian bride or groom, make sure you ate well the night before as you don’t get a chance to eat until late in the day. Intermittent fasting people, this is up your street! Traditional attire tends to be worn on the first 2 days, with a suit and tie on the third day of the ceremony.

To make things nice and confusing as Asians compete with themselves to make their son/daughter’s wedding the more extravagant, the signing of the wedding contract is done traditionally at the start of the second day of the ceremony.

This isn’t like when Bruno Fernandes signed on a five-year deal for Manchester United contract signing, although the Portugal international will no doubt be in Manchester longer than some of these marriages.

If you pity an Asian bride or groom during the wedding season, then do take note it’s customary for the parents of the bride and groom to make sure that all goes smoothly. In the Olympics, there is the 1500m, which gets easily done during the wedding ceremony.

Food for them? They too usually tend to wait and ensure that everyone and everything is going smoothly. Only then do they eat.

PS, for those who do their weddings in the winter, just .. no, it’s not the norm. Asian weddings it’s a summer thing. why? Well in the nighttime in winter it’s more difficult to see the hired Rolls-Royce, maybe this is the reason.

Talking of hired, it’s not common, but it’s sometimes done where men hire out suits. Women don’t tend to do this, but what women do (some of them) is forget they’re not the bride and wear clothes more extravagant than hers. That’s a no from me.

Depending on the Asian, they do this thing of pinching people’s shoes, which left me perplexed as to why they would do this, this isn’t the local Masjid. Though the groom who is the grief-stricken party as he is shoeless has to pay a ransom to be reunited with his shoes and spare the guest the smell of his feet, yuck. In a masjid, as we know bang and the shoes are gone.

Customary in an Asian wedding is an uncle saying his piece as the slide show is presented of the groom’s most embarrassing moments. Typically that always seems to be near dinner time. Having said all that and tried to present some rules of an Asian wedding, the simple rule is this. Make sure the food is served on time and it’s not cold when it’s served!

It’s pretty much a case of disregarding all I said, but not the food part. Asian’s come far and wide for free food. But as I said earlier due to the political invite system that’s in place, they eat their money’s worth for sure.

Did you get all that? Me neither! It’s over and out from The Bearded Captain.

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